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Losing my precious Ace after 13 years


lukedesigns411

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lukedesigns411

So this post really has two losses in it. My father passed away unexpectedly in June 2011. Thats been 11 years ago now. I had my dog Ace for 13 years. He is the one in my profile picture. I remember having dogs before him, but I never got truly close to one like I did Ace. I remember when my dad died, I would hold Ace in my arms like the sweet baby he was, and just cry. My dad died in his sleep. He had been an alcoholic most of the life, but the last three years he got clean, and we became really close. So his death was life altering for me. Throughout the years I had Ace, he would sleep with me in my bed. Would love me and all. I had covid in August 2021, got better, and in October I moved to a different city. While my dog Ace stayed with my mom and grandma. I hated that I couldn't bring him with me. When I visited during Thanksgiving and Christmas, he had put on a little bit of weight (he is a chihuahua), but he didn't want to sleep in the bed with me, and growled every time me or anyone else tried to pick him up. Maybe I should have took him to the vet then. In Feb this year, I had to move back home because I had came to visit again, but I got deathly sick myself, and ended up staying in the hospital. I had to move back home. I noticed that Ace still didn't like to be petted or picked up, but oh he loved you if you had food lol. I think he did get deaf the last few months of his life. He either slept in two places - his bed which was in the living room, or on a white rug in front of my mothers room. So Sunday night, I came out of my room, and saw him laying down as usual on the white rug in front of my moms room. He was breathing heavy. He looked ok, but I noticed the change.

A few moments later, I came back into the living room and saw him in the kitchen, this time breathing more heavily. I picked him up, and sat down with him in the recliner. He didn't growl or snap. He wanted to get up though, couldn't sit still. So I put him back down on the ground. He started to go to his bed. And I noticed him having a hard time breathing. So I took him and his bed in my room, put a fan towards him, and placed him in his bed. Got a cold rag, and started wiping him down. I had read maybe that the dog needed cooling off. Maybe he was too hot. It looks like he was calming down, and was putting his down to go to sleep. But he just sank down into his bed. And I knew something was so wrong. I touched him, and he didn't move or respond. I picked him up, and laid him on the floor and got my mother. It had been years since he had a seizure, and it looked like he started to have one. I remember touching his belly and felt a faint heartbeat. He started having a jerk or two, and then it was over. I felt for his pulse again, but this time, he was gone. And my heart broke. 

What is so weird about this entire thing, is that last week on a Monday I think, I told my best friend that I felt this disturbing feeling of death. On Wednesday, I lost a friend of mine that I knew through facebook. I told my best friend, do you remember what I just told you a day or so ago and he said yeah. And then Sunday night happens. Theres been times in the past few months, that I would just tell myself that I wish Ace would sleep with me again in my bed, or allow him me to pick him up and interact. I would tell myself that maybe the next dog I have would be better, but I told myself I never want to lose Ace. And now I feel so awful. I feel so lost. I haven't felt these feelings since my dad dying, and I thought I would never feel like that again. And now he is gone. I struggle immensely because I grew up a Christian and I still believe in Jesus, but I've been hurt so much by the church, and by people, I haven't been to church in a long time. I feel like I'm trapped, because I feel like  even if I kill myself and end the pain, because my entire life has been riddled with sickness, and bad decisions and regrets, and losing people and pets that I love, even if I kill myself, I would probably not go to heaven. And I want to go to Heaven yes, not just to see Jesus, but to see my dad and my dogs, and the loved ones I lost. I'm scared of losing who I am here. I'm just completely confused and shocked and depressed and just lost and I don't know what else to do. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just can't believe I lost my Ace. He was my world. 

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I am so sorry for your losses, for being hurt by church/people, for everything you've been through.  My heart breaks as I read your story.  I, too, lost a dog that was special, I have loved all of my dogs & cats, but this one was tails above the rest...he was 140 lb Golden Retriever/Husky.  A perfect blend of gentle giant and goofball.  He was considerate, fun, sweet, loyal, my ever companion.  My baby.  Buried in my back yard, next to all of the others...it is so hard to accept that he's gone and yet it's been over three years now.

Your precious Ace...I'm glad you had him in your life, no one can take our memories and the love we shared remains with us.  

As for church organization...you can be a Christian without that, my sister was (she passed in March), I am lucky, I found a small church where we are a family in the true sense of the word.  During the snowpocalypse 3 1/2 years ago, Arlie and I were in pitch black listening to trees coming down all around us...no electricity or water for over 8 days, food going bad, couldn't put it out in the snow for fear of attracting wild animals, yet couldn't get to the storage room where my coolers are (now I keep them on my patio in the winter, along with my shovels) 4'5" of snow frozen to 18 degrees overnight, it was crazy.  Yet I had my Arlie with me all the time.  He had acute chronic colitis all his life so I cooked for him, I couldn't cook during this time, but I prayed and cut the portions in have to make them stretch and somehow God kept him from having an outbreak!  The pastor came up and helped shovel snow, so did my son, a few days into it (Hwy into town was closed prohibiting my son coming sooner), then on day 8 he came and got me in his 4WD and took me to church, got out of the car, handed me his keys and told me to drive to his house to shower, he had fresh towels there, it was open, and when I got back to the church, they'd have breakfast ready!  I was touched beyond anything I can say.  This is how the people in my church are.  They made national news helping a bus full of teens who'd gotten stranded after they went skiing. They provided cots and meals for them, hooked up a generator (I had a wood stove) for heating, BBQ for cooking.  It was close to 100 teens and chaperones in all.  All while I was cut off from the world and couldn't go anywhere, no mailman, no county plow, no garbage pick up, streets blocked with snow.

It was a scary time yet my church came through when they could.  All I remember are people helping others.  And I wonder if this is what is happening with Hurricane Ian right now..

So all churches are not the same, just saying.  My pastor goes above and beyond, and although our people are aging, so do they.  Just a word to encourage you some.  

I don't know that I believe suicide would banish a person from heaven...I knew someone with mental issues who did just that and I do not believe God judged him for it, it was sad, really, and yet there has always been that part of me who doesn't want to stake my eternity on the off chance either!  I have survived much in my life and tell myself to keep going.  

Praying blessing upon you as you try to make your way through this, yet another grief.  
 

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

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lukedesigns411

Its been a few days now since I posted. It still stings, and it still hurts, but I did go to church on Wednesday night. And I felt like I finally went for me, and no one else. And I believe I received a touch from God. It's like you know that things don't last forever, with humans and pets especially. But the hardest part is when you know the time has come and you don't want to let them go. Ace only started breathing heavily that Sunday night. Probably went on for an hour. At least he didn't have to suffer much. I feel like that Ace's death has made me feel again. I was so shut off to the world from being hurt and many things that I have went through over the past year, that I just had shut myself off to everyone. My life has been so full of trials - some out of my control, and some regrets i have made. I am 34 years old, unable to have children, and have had over 18 surgeries. I currently live with my mother and grandmother. My grandmother has early dementia, but she knows who we are. I feel like every time I have tried in the past to live on my own, something ends up happening to where I'm back at home. Maybe its just my fault regardless. I look at other people younger than I am, having jobs and families. And I can't hardly take care of myself I guess. I start a new job on Monday, I hope it works out. Maybe I'm scared of moving from home because if I go away from home to my own place, I won't see them as much. 

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Don't be in a hurry, unless you want to.  This coming from a mother (70 today), my kids have been gone for years, my husband died over 17 years ago and I live alone in the country, in survival mode.  1-2 miles from the Cedar Creek Fire, the smoke every day for over two months has been beyond hazardous.  Can't be outside without masking up and even so you smell it.

18 surgeries is a lot.  I mean, really alot!  Enjoy your time with your grandmother while you can, I was caregiver to my sister, she had dementia, diabetes, COPD, she died 3/28/22,  I'm still missing her...yet it was a blessing for her, she died in her sleep, the way she wanted to, in her own home, no more fires for her, no more struggles.

I'm glad you find solace in your church.

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