Anticipatory grief of losing mom while in my early 30's

[ahurtingheart]

Hi everyone,

I would welcome your suggestions and wisdom as I navigate this difficult upcoming season.

A week ago, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer with metastasis.  Currently, our family does not know what the prognosis will be and how long we will have left with her but it looks grim.  This diagnosis came out of nowhere, as she had previous normal investigations and screening after battling breast cancer twice in her lifetime.

What I am struggling with the most right now is anticipating the lost of my mother while relatively early in my 30's and mourning the life events that she will not be able to attend; seeing me get married, delivering a baby, raising her grandchildren, upcoming birthdays and holidays.

My mom, much like many others here, is the heart of the home and glue of the family.  She makes the holidays and special moments a celebration.  She thinks of the little things that truly make you feel cared for, loved and cherished.  She is able to comfort and counsel me through the immense pain of the past and even through her own diagnosis and anticipatory early death.  I am worried that when she leaves, there will be a gaping hole and no matter how I try to patch it, i will be unable to try and fill the void she leaves in the family (dad and younger brother).

I would appreciate your advice if you have any on how to make the most of the time we have and if there is a way to use whatever time we have now to soften the hurt and pain to come in everyday moments and milestones without her.

With much heartache and appreciation,

A hurting daughter

[reader]

Dear a hurting daughter,

Sorry no one has replied sooner to your post. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom during this difficult time. I hope these articles and this website will help you.

https://whatsyourgrief.com/anticipatory-grief/

https://www.psycom.net/anticipatory-grief

https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/anticipatory-grief

[In shock]

My mom also has a terminal diagnosis.  I have known for a while, but am still trying to navigate it, much less accept it.

 

I try to make sure she has fun and pleasant experiences.  I spend as much time with her as I can.  I try to keep stress away from her.

 

I think having good experiences now helps in the present and will help in the future.

[Lgill2790]

I am so sorry for what you are going through as I can truly relate to this. My now fiance and I recently got engaged this past Thanksgiving. Since then, my father has been battling with memory loss and trouble seeing. My family and I thought he was going through a deep depression since he has a record of that and doctors told us these can be symptoms that relate to this. As of yesterday, we found out that my father (who has never smoked) has stage four lung cancer that spread to his brain. I am still in the stage of denial and truly believe this is a dream. Just the other day my father came to look with us at wedding venues and although he was having difficulty that day with his symptoms, we both pretended to walk down the isle together as if it were already my special day. I am having such a difficult not imaging my father next to me on my wedding or announcing that I am pregnant or seeing my children grow up. This cancer has effected his brain so much and I feel like time is ticking and I am losing him by the second. 
I deeply feel for what you are going through but please know that although we are strangers I will be praying and thinking of you and your family.

[ahurtingheart]

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. 

It is with great sadness that I post this update.

My mom passed away a month after I posted.  The cancer was so aggressive and our family had even less time with her than we thought.

The past few months were filled with unimaginable raw pain and sadness of losing her.  There were so many layers to the grief including shock at the situation, confusion to the reason, disbelief that she left us, envy of those who still had their mothers and relief that she did not have to suffer for long.  Due to her illness, I felt that I lost her before she passed as she did not respond verbally or physically.

I miss her so much.  I would given anything to hear her voice, her laughter, to have one more conversation, one more hug again.  Tomorrow is her birthday.  And like the previous holidays that I have passed, I anticipate it will be extremely difficult.

Losing my mother creating a hole in my heart.  I am trying hard to learn to live with the grief, grow around it rather than patch it.  She was such a huge part of my life and I will grieve for her for the rest of my life because my love for her is so great.  I've gotten back on my feet again.  Most days, I have found joy again.  But there are the days, like tomorrow, when the grief catches me, reminds me that she a constant in my life, is gone.

Please hold those you love tight for me.