Miss

[emchardanell]

My son Charley took his own life on 4th October 2020.He was 25 years old and the light of my life. He was my rock, my clown, my laughter and my friend. I'm a recovered alcoholic and I know I damaged his mental health. Recently I realised that he never knew he was so loved. while I was in treatment, he surprised me with a visit. He came after school just because he wanted to see me. On the way to the train station as we were casually chatting, he suddenly said "If you drink again, I'm leaving, and I'll never come back" I said I knew that. i promised him I wouldn't. 13 years later and even after losing him I'm still sober but he left me anyway. My Dad died 14 months later, and I believe he died of grief for 'his boy'. I don't' know how to grieve for them. I'm scared to feel. I cant think of him or go to the memories because I don't know that I'd survive the pain. I want him back so badly I get through by pretending this is a dream and if I just do things well enough, I'll be allowed to wake up and they will both be there. It's almost the 2nd anniversary. He was so excited for my 10 years sober anniversary he was planning a kind of party. Instead on the very day it was four months after his death. I'm so lost and broken I'm afraid to look. His death shattered me into a million pieces, and I can't glue them all back. I'm crying now and don't know why. I need my baby. 

[reader]

Dear emchardanell,

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry. I know it's deeply painful and sad. I hope you will consider grief counselling or joining a support group to help you. I too try so hard to hold all my feelings in but I find that adds to my pain. 

There are no good words when we hurting so much. But please know we are here to listen and support each other.

My thoughts are with you. x