Wanna wake up

[pet chipmunk]

Nothing feels real. It's like I'm in a nightmare. I lost my husband to a heart attack last month. He was only 43. He was my everything. I'm going thru the motions and maintaining our home. I have a 16 year old shaken Baby Survivor. He doesn't understand any of this. Emotions are an issue. He thinks someone is hurting me if he sees me crying. It's just him and I now. I have never felt so alone... I so badly want to wake up

[KayC]

Welcome here to our site.  I am so sorry you lost your husband.  Mine was barely 51, we didn't meet until our mid 40s, if had I lost him at 43, I wouldn't have ever known him.  I'm glad I did, I have the memories with me always.  

Odd you say this:

13 hours ago, eternityhope said:

I have never felt so alone...

I recently made a thread of this.  You, a new widow, me at 17 years, both feeling so alone...weird how that can be but it's what losing them does.  When we've lost our life partner.

My heart goes out to you in your fresh loss.  It's the hardest thing I've ever been through, quite a journey.  I've learned to do it, one day at a time.  And remember to breathe.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[pet chipmunk]

We just married on December 18, 2018. I've had to fight my entire life but I wasn't fighting alone when Joe came into my life. He showed me a love that I didn't know existed. I don't want to accept that he's never coming back. I'm not wanting to do this without him. I am cuz I need to... And I'm fully praying that I'll join him when it's my time. I have nobody to talk to. Joe and I talked about everything. We had no secrets. He was supposed to come home. This is so hard without him.

[Robert D.]

eternityhope....... friend, I just prayed for you and your son... I will continue to.  Every everything that you just said is what I'm going through. I lost my beloved JoAnn on August 11th 2022 after 23 years of marriage and it is the hardest thing I've ever gone through or ever will go through... the unbearable loneliness ..and no one to talk to is extremely hard . .   there's nothing harder in this life than what you are going through and what your son is now going through. We are all living in some kind of surreal world now after our beloved has left us. it's unimaginable it's too hard to define . it's surreal to the extreme. From June 27th when my wife got sick till now I have had very very hard days and nights.. but I want you to know something.. you will make it through this.. you will get through this.. you may not believe it now.. and there are days that I question it now.. but we are going to get through this.. and the people on this site will help you... and pray for you .. and love you and your son.. God bless you.!! Robert

[pet chipmunk]

Time has never gone so slow! My son doesn't understand any of this and maybe that's a good thing. It's weird that it's just him and I here. He has cerebral Palsy and autism and his mind isn't 16. Sometimes he'll get up on the morning and ask if Dad came home. Then before I reply, he'll say, "oh that's right, he's dead". That stings but I know he doesn't understand. Nothing has been easy... And I have no friends. I didn't go out because I didn't need to. That has completely changed cuz I've gotta do this... I'm just so lonely... Nobody knows what to say to me and I get it. Never know what's gonna trigger my crying. Joe was my everything! It's so unfair that we only got 5 1/2 years together. I am blessed for having had him in my life... Those were the best years of my life. His family and my family tried many times to tear us apart and we stuck together. We were happy. He was about to be manager at his job and finances looking a lot better. Then BOOM!! I keep reminding myself one day at a time... Everything happens for a reason and I pray on a regular basis. I still talk to him. I've wrote him. I feel like I'm being punished but I also know that I am all that my son has now... I'm it. There's nobody to take care of me. My son will need me his entire life... He can't care for himself. I need someone to talk to. Someone that doesn't tell me that I just gotta move on. I can't even accept that any of this is real.

[BohoKat]

16 minutes ago, eternityhope said:

I need someone to talk to. Someone that doesn't tell me that I just gotta move on

@eternityhope Like you I had no one who understood my grief. This forum has helped me greatly, there are many good folks here. Speak out when you need to.

Also, you are tasked with a heavy load, and great grief just seems so unfair making you feel weaker. As a caretaker, you need to somehow (I know this seems impossible) make a little time for yourself even if it is just waking up or staying up 30 minutes early with a cup of tea writing love letters to your husband and crying your eyes out. I can attest to this, as my adult daughter is my caretaker (she had to find this out her happy place is the gym). You don’t have to do it everyday, but you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of your son. So sorry for your recent and still raw loss. Wishing you peace and strength.

[pet chipmunk]

I've only been married twice and my first marriage ended when he nearly killed my youngest. Before Joe and I got together, I was with my boyfriend for six years, give or take. My son called him Dad just like he called my husband. So, July 1st of this year, both my husband and I actually grieved for my ex because he did have our respect. My ex was Tommy. He was 43 and it was a heart attack. My husband was also 43 and it was a heart attack. I've decided that I'm skipping my birthday next year so I'll be 29... Now I ask... What in the world is happening and what am I supposed to do now? My son lost both his dad's within two months. This year, he's lost two grandmas, two dads, and a great grandpa. Also, my mom wasn't a nice person and didn't know my son Nick.

[BohoKat]

I cannot comprehend the magnitude of the loss you and your son are experiencing. In my opinion you need to reach out (as impossible as that seems) to friends, family, church, community whatever you can find for whatever help you need. That kind of grief can break you if you try to shoulder it alone. Please take care of yourself. <hugs>

[pet chipmunk]

We don't have family or anyone. I've gotten support from my son's school but nobody else. Joe was an organ donor and a funeral director reached out to me because of that and asked what I'd gotten on the GoFundMe that I started. Only $400 and that was from Nick's school. He told me that he would take care of my husband for that $400. His family have given me nothing but demands. My family hasn't existed. I've reached out so much and I'm not afraid to ask for help. I think it's really sad with the realizations of everything. It's showing me who I can count on, but that isn't very helpful unfortunately. I've never felt so alone... I don't want to look ahead... Day by day... I don't know how I'm doing all of this, but I know that my husband is proud of me. I know that I want someone to talk to... Actually need it. My son goes to school during the day and it seems that I'm grieving in pieces.

[pet chipmunk]

Btw, this site has already been helping me tremendously. It helps to have people that can relate. Thank you for this. All of it.

[BohoKat]

1 hour ago, eternityhope said:

My son goes to school during the day and it seems that I'm grieving in pieces.

@eternityhope This unstructured time can be very hard. My daughter works 12+ hr shifts and it is hard to be alone. I went way back to when I was first diagnosed bipolar and tried what another bipolar lady taught me. Keeping busy helps your self-esteem but in difficult times keep it simple, just 3-4 small things. I used to put it on a post-it, but now I make an appointment in my phone calendar and it reminds me. Keeping these commitments to yourself can make you feel better. Today, I swept my kitchen floor and did a load of laundry and felt a real sense of accomplishment, oddly enough. Better than days I zone out to Netflix. If you can’t do the task or have to stop, that’s okay. Be gentle with yourself while you continue to grieve. <hugs>

[pet chipmunk]

3 minutes ago, BohoKat said:

@eternityhope This unstructured time can be very hard. My daughter works 12+ hr shifts and it is hard to be alone. I went way back to when I was first diagnosed bipolar and tried what another bipolar lady taught me. Keeping busy helps your self-esteem but in difficult times keep it simple, just 3-4 small things. I used to put it on a post-it, but now I make an appointment in my phone calendar and it reminds me. Keeping these commitments to yourself can make you feel better. Today, I swept my kitchen floor and did a load of laundry and felt a real sense of accomplishment, oddly enough. Better than days I zone out to Netflix. If you can’t do the task or have to stop, that’s okay. Be gentle with yourself while you continue to grieve. <hugs>

Keeping busy has been my distraction. I'll do a chore or two to kill time but with time going so slow, it takes me no time at all to do chores. Don't think my front room has been cleaner. I know it's gonna hit me. It's like my mind is arguing with my heart. He went to the hospital in an ambulance because of back pain. He never came home. I keep hoping or thinking that I'll wake up from this nightmare. It's like I've been in a fog... We was gonna have another 30 or 40 years together... There would be no separation. I'm so back and forth on the crying and such. Him and I had no regrets and we made each other happy.

[Robert D.]

3 minutes ago, eternityhope said:

I keep hoping or thinking that I'll wake up from this nightmare. It's like I've been in a fog.

eternityhope.....I said that very thing while ago...about the nightmare..... it becomes a daymare every day.....the fog is there like a loyal enemy ...Hoping this will subside and lighten with time.... I'm also noticing that important decisions at this time...need to really be weighed,...for as long as needed...or possible.......that fog thing.... God bless! 

[BohoKat]

I hate to tell you but it goes on for a while and is different for everybody, but one day most likely months from now you will wake up and it will be just a tiny bit better. For me it was several months before this happened. It has been 17 months now, and I cycle between periods of numbness and periods of pain and tears but also some good days. He would only want the best for you, so try to live that as the constant grief subsides.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, BohoKat said:

As a caretaker, you need to somehow (I know this seems impossible) make a little time for yourself even if it is just waking up or staying up 30 minutes early with a cup of tea writing love letters to your husband and crying your eyes out.

Yes, you need a relief person, even if only once a week, how do you get groceries, go to the doctor, etc.  Can you leave him for a few minutes at all? 
I needn't tell you this is the hardest thing in the world.  Only 43, and the second time you've been through it, along with all the other losses this year, wow, that is a lot.  Keeping you in my prayers, @eternityhope.

[pet chipmunk]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Yes, you need a relief person, even if only once a week, how do you get groceries, go to the doctor, etc.  Can you leave him for a few minutes at all? 
I needn't tell you this is the hardest thing in the world.  Only 43, and the second time you've been through it, along with all the other losses this year, wow, that is a lot.  Keeping you in my prayers, @eternityhope.

I do grocery shopping online and they deliver. We have no vehicle but in walking distance of many places. I communicate with my doctor thru Zoom. As far as leaving him, we had been testing the waters. I have walked to the store and had him stay home. The neighbor kept an eye on my place. It's never for long. Plus it depends on his mind set at that time. For his future doctor appts, his teachers have been extremely helpful with all of it. I'm trying not to look too far ahead. When I said grieving in pieces, it's like I cry a lot during my showers. I cry myself to sleep. I definitely have my break down moments. Then there's times that it seems like I've actually convinced myself that this isn't actually happening. That I'm gonna wake up and he'll be next to me. I just can't look too far ahead. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but all of this has been new to me... I really don't want this to be real.

[pet chipmunk]

It's not like I've never been alone... I've done it many times... So why is this time so hard? I'm having trouble filling the day. Joe was my soulmate and he would tell you the same about me... Sometimes, it's almost like I envy him for not being here. He's definitely in a better place. But then I feel that we should have had more time and all this feels like I'm being punished. I'm actually scared to live another 30 or 40 years. We were talking about death because of my ex dying... With my anxiety and depression, among other things, we kinda figured that I would go first. I always said that I wouldn't know what to do if I ever lost him. Truth be told, I really don't know what I'm doing anymore or even how I've gotten this far... 

[pet chipmunk]

You know what seems really sad? There's nobody to check up on me. It feels like nobody cares. I've been trying a variety of different hobbies to try and fill my time. Haven't found the right one yet... The one that I'm gonna stick with. I need to find something... I have absolutely nobody to talk to.

[Ronni_W]

On 9/28/2022 at 7:45 PM, eternityhope said:

You know what seems really sad? There's nobody to check up on me. It feels like nobody cares. I've been trying a variety of different hobbies to try and fill my time. Haven't found the right one yet... The one that I'm gonna stick with. I need to find something... I have absolutely nobody to talk to.

eternityhope, on the 'plus side', we do have people to talk to, here -- only not in real time. I have been fortunate enough, when the 'timing and time zones' align, to be able to text-chat with others from this site, through the 'chatzy' link that widower2 has kindly set-up for us. (Link in the thread: "Unofficial chat room" in this sub-forum.)

As far as time-consuming hobbies, I can only offer from my own 3-year-long experience to not limit yourself to only one activity. Because. Something that works really well for how we're feeling in this moment may not be so useful at all for what we need for how we're gonna feel in some other moment. For me, I don't have a humongous budget for such things, but have been able to find stuff at the used-to-be "dollar store". (They all seem to have become at-least-two-dollar stores, during this pandemic! <LOL>.)

Mature (or children's) colouring-in books for when your creative side needs a bit of expression -- I prefer pencil crayons or fine-edge markers because you can have more control over the 'thickness' of your colouring, or also just wax crayons. Or paint-by-numbers, or such. For when your reasoning/logical mind wants to kick-in, word puzzles or Sudoku. (Still all from the two-dollar store.)  Then otherwise -- which I keep *thinking* about but haven't yet actually even looked into; free YouTubes for yoga, pilates, Zumba and such.  Lastly, I just found out that my local library offers an assortment of free group/social gatherings and workshops. I've just started 'dipping my toe' into those ones.

On the 'down side', I'm also basically in your situation -- I told my brother that no-one will even know I'm dead until my corpse starts stinking up the hallway of this apartment building. So, I do also get the sense of really not being too important to anyone else on this Earth. It hurts and sucks, and then hurts and sucks some more. But, on the plus side, we still can come here and rant, or express, or hope that we catch someone else 'live' on chatzy. 🙂.  Love and hugs and strength to you, eternityhope.. Ronni

EDITED TO ADD: Also through local library, all of which is online, at least for me: Free instructional videos and tutorials, to learn something new -- a new language, how to build WordPress websites, etc. (Again, haven't done any of this myself...but it is there for us, if/when we're ready or even just maybe ready  I've already committed to myself that if I do go to some in-person group, or do sign-up for anything online, but then don't like it for whatever reason at all, then I'm just gonna walk out of the group or just not going back to that series of tutorials. What are 'they' gonna do to me? 'Talk bad' about me? Oh, ouch! - that's gonna hurt me. <LOL!>)

[KayC]

On 9/28/2022 at 4:45 PM, eternityhope said:

You know what seems really sad? There's nobody to check up on me.

This is one of the hardest parts...I feel the same.

 

[BohoKat]

On 9/28/2022 at 6:45 PM, eternityhope said:

You know what seems really sad? There's nobody to check up on me. It feels like nobody cares

@eternityhope @KayC I was feeling “all alone” and sorry for myself until I read your posts since I joined a couple months ago. I have a few friends and a small family but now I know how rich I am. Your kind and thoughtful words have touched my heart so know there is someone who does care. Peace be with you. <hugs>

[pet chipmunk]

16 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

eternityhope, on the 'plus side', we do have people to talk to, here -- only not in real time. I have been fortunate enough, when the 'timing and time zones' align, to be able to text-chat with others from this site, through the 'chatzy' link that widower2 has kindly set-up for us. (Link in the thread: "Unofficial chat room" in this sub-forum.)

As far as time-consuming hobbies, I can only offer from my own 3-year-long experience to not limit yourself to only one activity. Because. Something that works really well for how we're feeling in this moment may not be so useful at all for what we need for how we're gonna feel in some other moment. For me, I don't have a humongous budget for such things, but have been able to find stuff at the used-to-be "dollar store". (They all seem to have become at-least-two-dollar stores, during this pandemic! <LOL>.)

Mature (or children's) colouring-in books for when your creative side needs a bit of expression -- I prefer pencil crayons or fine-edge markers because you can have more control over the 'thickness' of your colouring, or also just wax crayons. Or paint-by-numbers, or such. For when your reasoning/logical mind wants to kick-in, word puzzles or Sudoku. (Still all from the two-dollar store.)  Then otherwise -- which I keep *thinking* about but haven't yet actually even looked into; free YouTubes for yoga, pilates, Zumba and such.  Lastly, I just found out that my local library offers an assortment of free group/social gatherings and workshops. I've just started 'dipping my toe' into those ones.

On the 'down side', I'm also basically in your situation -- I told my brother that no-one will even know I'm dead until my corpse starts stinking up the hallway of this apartment building. So, I do also get the sense of really not being too important to anyone else on this Earth. It hurts and sucks, and then hurts and sucks some more. But, on the plus side, we still can come here and rant, or express, or hope that we catch someone else 'live' on chatzy. 🙂.  Love and hugs and strength to you, eternityhope.. Ronni

EDITED TO ADD: Also through local library, all of which is online, at least for me: Free instructional videos and tutorials, to learn something new -- a new language, how to build WordPress websites, etc. (Again, haven't done any of this myself...but it is there for us, if/when we're ready or even just maybe ready  I've already committed to myself that if I do go to some in-person group, or do sign-up for anything online, but then don't like it for whatever reason at all, then I'm just gonna walk out of the group or just not going back to that series of tutorials. What are 'they' gonna do to me? 'Talk bad' about me? Oh, ouch! - that's gonna hurt me. <LOL!>)

You know, it's almost funny that you're naming a list that I have already... I have the coloring books, sudoku, puzzles and others but it's like I'm just not interested. My husband was the that worked so my income is practically non-existent. Also, I've changed in a big way since this happened. I smoke two or three cigarettes a day now and aiming towards quitting altogether because they taste bad. It also seems that I have cut a lot of caffeine out by drinking water. My son likes to argue with me and when he does, I'll step outside and sit on my porch and actually focusing on my breathing. It's meditation and it isn't as easy as it sounds to clear everything your mind. Nick went to school and I've kinda let myself cry... I wanna go to the country and just yell, but I can't. I know that I have to keep myself together for my son. I'm all he has. I've been thinking differently. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of what lies ahead. Yes, this is a good place to vent. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, BohoKat said:

@eternityhope @KayC I was feeling “all alone” and sorry for myself until I read your posts since I joined a couple months ago. I have a few friends and a small family but now I know how rich I am. Your kind and thoughtful words have touched my heart so know there is someone who does care. Peace be with you. <hugs>

I am so glad!  I enjoy your posts too!  I think this is a very caring site, responsive and sharing...

[Ronni_W]

On 10/3/2022 at 1:58 PM, eternityhope said:

You know, it's almost funny that you're naming a list that I have already... I have the coloring books, sudoku, puzzles and others but it's like I'm just not interested. My husband was the that worked so my income is practically non-existent. Also, I've changed in a big way since this happened. I smoke two or three cigarettes a day now and aiming towards quitting altogether because they taste bad. It also seems that I have cut a lot of caffeine out by drinking water. My son likes to argue with me and when he does, I'll step outside and sit on my porch and actually focusing on my breathing. It's meditation and it isn't as easy as it sounds to clear everything your mind. Nick went to school and I've kinda let myself cry... I wanna go to the country and just yell, but I can't. I know that I have to keep myself together for my son. I'm all he has. I've been thinking differently. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of what lies ahead. Yes, this is a good place to vent. 

eternityhope, I've gone from half a pack a day (shared with my hubby), to...whatever. Sometimes opening a third pack in the same 24-hour period. I'm also trying to quit -- told the shop-keeper to NOT sell me anymore; it's become a standing joke between us now. Plus, I'm really needing to keep hold of my alcohol intake, as well.

Yes, for me also, it is that my entire personality has changed (not just my physical habits, patterns, tendencies and proclivities). I've lost hope and optimism, and,            it really seems, even my capacity to feel lasting joy. (I can do 'pleasure or pleasurable enjoyment' and 'fun' and 'light-heartedness'...but, it's really starting to feel, these are now my 'temporary states', and all of their opposites have become more 'ingrained' or permanent.)   I hate it, and do work on changing it...but.   I'm also doing my best to just 'meditate in the Peacefulness of the Stillness of the 'Cosmic Hum' (Aum; Om), and the Frequencies and Vibrations of Cosmic Love. So, yeah...that too.

I am not a parent. But I am a child whose Dad died when she was 13. My grown-ups at the time didn't even know about getting me my own grief counselor who was properly professionally trained in helping children grieve. That potentially could have helped me. Them walking away from me, or not wanting to -- not being trained to -- deal with MY feelings and sense of loss and grief and sense and feelings of being lost and insecure and abandoned on Earth, did not help me, as a child, as a teenager. It only made me feel more lost and abandoned and insecure on Earth. So I acted up, and acted out, more than if someone - anyone - would have 'been there' for me. Because I was a child, not because I wanted to put more on my mom and other adults than she and they already had on their plates.

For me also, I've had all this crappy garbage (colouring-in books and Sudoku puzzles and links for yoga, etc., et al.) for over a year. It's only now -- 2 or 3 years later, (depending on the date from which I count my loss), that they're even starting to be of any use for me. It takes time; sometimes, so much time.  Love and hugs to you and your son. Ronni