deceit Thought it was love but it was a vapour

[Nely]

Its been  four years and five months since my husband passed.  First attempt at loving again was in 2021 February. He turned out to be  jerk.  He is married but concealed the truth until I found out two months later. Well,  with support from here,  I made if through it. It was heart breaking to say the least. 

Coincidentally, same period this year,  I met this guy. He was a chorister in the church where I worship.  We got talking. Our shared experiences made if easy to get along.  He lost his wife last year February. He has a son. We talked alot about the pains,  the journey and life as it is. He would say that he believes that our spouses will want us to move on and be happy.  He urged me to live life,  go out and meet people. I felt safe with him  knowing we were on same journey. We got quite close,  lunch and dinner dates , went to the cinema together. 

When we started talking, he told me he had plans to relocate to the UK. He was scheduled to leave the following month  (March). We did his shopping together.  As the weeks  passed , we got quite close.  He would spend some nights at my place. Though  we got intimate, we never had sex.  He started to talk about how that he would have engaged me but because he was relocating,  he couldn't as he wasn't sure what it would be like over there.  Well, he would say  he wished we met earlier and that if we had, he probably wouldn't have firmed up plans to leave for the UK.

Well , in less than two weeks after he left, I got news that he had actually remarried and occurrence which preceded  our meeting.  I was shocked. It was "why "? Why did he do it? Why did he lie about his  marital  status? Why did he talk about the possibility of marriage? Why did he allow the intimacy? The whys  kept  creeping in  endlessly. I mean, we  could have stayed just friends with nothing else to it just as we started.  He's explanation for what he did? Well, he claimed  he was going to tell me, he said his marriage to the other lady was just an a deal, started as an arrangement.  He said he didn't plan to fall in love with me. He said he's plan was to end the deal and ask me to marry him after two years. Crazy,  huh?

Well, it took me three months to process it.  Within this three months,  I was I'm touch with him trying to understand why he will hurt me so bad, why he did not care about my feelings. Well on July 23rd, I finally cut ties. He wanted me to be there and be friends  but how can I be friends just friends with someone  I have come so close to and remain  friends knowing he is legally married.  I could not do it. I told him our principles  conflict and that we cannot be in touch. I told him that his actions  breached everything  friendship  represents and that I couldn't trust him.  I told him that it was best we do not keep in touch. He never contacted me after I sent that message.  It broke me again. I felt he should have at least responded to say he respects my decision but no. He reached out only a month later to talk about money he owed me and asked for more time to enable him refund it. It was fhe money I advanced him for his ticket. I responded saying we should put a timeline to it and that I had to move things around to accommodate the delayed repayment.  He did not respond  to my message. 17 days later he sent the money to me with a message the following day saying he has transferred it.

Well, again  I felt angry.  Angry about how he is going about all of this. If I ever  meant anything to him,  he should have acted better. I mean, sending the money in 17 days when he wanted more time initially.  Was I wrong to have asked for a timeline? How could he not even respond to my messages. 

 

I feel so sad. I didn't respond to his message or acknowledge receipt of the money.  A part of me feels like calling him up and talking about his actions so far. But I fear that's not the right approach. 

I have not been able to get him off my head.  Its been  3 months  since we ended our friendship but I still think about him daily.  It  may have been  easier assuming he is not  acting how he is. 

I need your thoughts please. 

@scotchIm afraid I failed to take my time as as advised earlier in my other post. I feel so ashamed. 

@KayCand @foreverhis I need your Support.  

I am so happy to hear from anyone who can share some thoughts

 

Thank you . 

[KayC]

OMG, I can't believe it!  I will share my story with you...a few years after I lost my husband...this started 13 years ago...

I haven't dated since.

Here I Go Again

[Gail 8588]

Nely, 

I am so sorry this man was not who you hoped he might be.  

Life is hard enough when you are just dealing with "real" things, fires, floods, bills to pay, illness and injury, miserable bosses or neighbors, bureaucracies that can't process paper in a reasonable time, the list goes on and on.  But to have someone you have given your trust to, lie and deceive you, it is crushing. 

As much as this hurts, I think you are lucky to be rid of him, and lucky to have gotten any of your money back. 

I know it's hard to feel like you are back at square one, starting over.  But you are stronger  now for having tried to find a new way to live.  You have learned a lot from this experience that will serve you well in the future.  Try not to be discouraged.

Gail

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Nely said:

Im afraid I failed to take my time as as advised earlier in my other post. I feel so ashamed. 

Please do not.  You were responding as any of us...vulnerable, yes maybe a bit desperate but I know in my situation, I was trying to rebuild my life...it didn't work.  Sending you hugs!

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, Nely said:

A part of me feels like calling him up and talking about his actions so far. But I fear that's not the right approach.

I failed to take my time as as advised earlier in my other post. I feel so ashamed.

IMO, the right approach is to sever ties with him permanently.  He lied to you, virtually ghosted you, and led you on.  Even without him being married, those are enough reasons to "put him in the rear view mirror."

Please try not to feel ashamed.  You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing.  He is to blame, only him.  You opened your heart to a friend who might have become more (had he not been a married liar).  I really don't think that you rushed into it.  It sounds to me like you cautiously got to know the man he presented himself to be.  You grew closer, spent time together, and became intimate to a degree.  (BTW, I totally understand about spending the night, having some intimacy, but not having sex.  My John and I spent many nights in our first few months together not making love because we didn't want to rush it.  We cuddled; we kissed (a lot); and we shared a bed.  So when it was right, it was both exciting and beautiful.)

Anyway, you are not to blame, though I understand that your heart and mind are in a bit of a "fight" right now.  It's another loss that you are having to figure out, which means that you'll question yourself, wonder if you did something wrong, ask yourself what you did to deserve this pain, etc.  If he's paid back all the money he owed you, then I think you should let him go.

I'm so sorry that someone you thought you could trust hurt you so badly.  It's not right, but the wrong of it belongs to him, not you.

 

[KayC]

Totally right on, Annie, and if she read the last entries to my "Here I go again" she'd know I understand...it is on HIM, not her.  I remember Dr. Phil saying to someone who'd been taken in by someone's lies, "That is on HIM, not you!  A normal person doesn't think like that!"

[Nely]

In the last few days, I have found strength. I am strengthened because I came here and as always,  I found people who genuinely reached out to help me get back and not be crushed by this unfortunate incident. 

I would say it's magical, unlike before when I wake up with thoughts of him,  last thing on my mind before I go to bed and consciously fight thoughts of him during the day; it's all changed now. It takes consciousness to even remember him now. I feel lighter and better. The urge to want to talk about what has happened is no longer there.

@foreverhisthank you for every letter stringed together to come up with the response you share.  Everything resonates with me and your advise I have taken.  Thank you you much helping with my sanity.  I struggled with the intimacy bit but reading your response, I feel better.  Thank you. 

@Gail 8588thank you for your kind words.  I will try not to be discouraged.  Sometimes I wonder if I still stand a chance with love. Two attempts and I realised that they are both married but kept it away from me. I agree that I am lucky to have my money back. I actually wondered if he had any integrity  at all to do the right thing.  

@KayC thank you for always being there. I read every text in the link you shared; thank you.  I'm so sorry about such experience.  Indeed, time is a healer. 

Much as I have made this great progress, a part of me still wonders if he will reach out on my birthday which is in a few days.  I guess it's just normal to wonder.  Well,  if he does not, I believe that's  it.

Thank you so much  for making me feel better than I was before coming here. I will be happy to learn your thoughts on the birthday expectations.

With kind regards, 

Helen