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Lonliness......Back to single life...


Robert D.

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After my beloved Jo's celebration today....the lonliness, as if it could get worse, ...it is....How is everybody doing on their lonliness today.?....how have you managed the intense lonliness, no other person's sound in the house, that the forced upon you single life has brought...? I ask this because it is getting real in my life now ...or a whole lot more real...

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I am sorry, Robert.  Weekends always seemed harder to me....now that I'm retired, every day is the same as another...

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KayC.....It is really something....your whole marriage loving friday's....I told Jo all the time how much I loved Friday because I had that day and the next 2 days with her....I just loved it Friday night sitting next to her....then the weekend...now it is dreadful...

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Robert, 

For many of the folks here, they still have children in their home or live with other family members. So there is still life, noise and movement in their homes.  But for those of us who are now alone, I think we all struggle with the huge change in our home environment.  Many of us leave the TV or radio on just to hear voices in the house.  I will have TV football on all afternoon and evening tomorrow, paying no attention to who is playing. It is just the sound of a fall Sunday afternoon to me, as my husband would have been watching some of the games. 

Pets are a real life line for many of us. A live being we can talk to (they are often good listeners).  Someone to take for a walk, laugh at when they do something silly, give a treat to or just be a companion during the long evenings.

If you are still working, that will provide you with a lot of structure.  If you are retired, it is helpful to create some structure. Establish a routine to interact with the world.  Get a buddy to meet you for breakfast at a diner every other Tuesday morning.  Find out when your city or county commission meets and put it on your calendar to attend the meetings every month.  Just something to get you out of the house and moving in the world.  If you have the energy, volunteer for some worthy cause. 

I retired about a year after my husband died and fell into a very unhelpful habit of being a recluse.  It was not good for my mental health at all. So I encourage folks to try to be involved with the world, even though it feels pointless and surreal.  I had to really try to act like a human being even though I didn't feel like one anymore. 

Your journey will be different from mine as we are each unique. But these are my tips to help you avoid the mistakes I made. 

It is really hard for some of us to find a new way of living, that doesn't  include the person we most enjoyed life with.  I hope your path will be an easy one.  

There is no prize for being the person who suffers the most in their grief. In fact the prize really goes to those who do find a way to live again.

Gail

 

 

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I wish I could frame Gail's advice here!  This is VERY helpful!  Keep/save/pin for future use if you're not yet retired!  Bookmark it for future reference!

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Gail 8588.....That was some great advice there.....I appreciate that alot! I have started down that recluse role, as it were, more than anything else because my beloved JoAnn was my whole life....as all of our spouses in here were.....I haven't yet been able to make myself go to a place to worship the Lord yet....I was a Bible teacher to my wife for many years at home.....but there isn't 2 to gather together anymore....nevertheless, being around others is going to take some time....there are other reasons too....but just the effects of losing my wife is number 1....But I take what you said very well. Tomorrow I have taken the day off to go to a grief class where my beloved wife is resting. So, as I begin...very slowly...to rebuild.....I will try to find ways to do things outside the house....it is very hard being alone inside of it....I've already got the sports on this morning for sound. It is so hard to motivate to do anything but what I am forced to do .. going to work etc. I haven't yet...not to be too personal....slept in our room from June 27 till now. I had to move to the couch in the living room from the one in the family room because it is hurting my neck....Not sure if I will ever be able to sleep in our room again....where the stroke happened.....and because my beloved is not there....but...i will see.....sooner or later. Thank you for the great advice. Hoping everyone has a nice day today. The sun is out here near Dayton, Ohio today....cool out...leaves are falling.....which will get me out of the house for some weeks....giant leaves from giant sycamore in back of house....I always wanted to take that tree down....but JoAnn loved it...for the shade...her dad planted it many years ago....so, we will see going forward what to do with the tree....but this year...it isn't going anywhere.....for JoAnn. God bless! 

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1 hour ago, William M said:

They other thing to keep me busy was my projects.  I want to retire in a few years, ( Kinda ruined now :-\) , and have much to do to prepare as funds won't be plentiful, So I must complete them while I can.  I had a couple cars to repair and sell, out buildings needing repair as well as the house, Every weekend has been a project. I also felt the need to completely sort and organize all my belonging and the house in general. Everything got repaired, stored, sold, or organized and sorted.

Doing repair and reno projects has been a tactic for me to combat some of the loneliness over these past few weeks. I have a small fixer upper that I've been fixing-upping for over 25 years but many projects never got completely finished. There was always something more I could do with them but something else would need my attention so I'd make do with the previous projects as they were. So my present focus is putting those finishing touches on them and completing them....in essence, I'm describing it as putting this unspent love into my house and interestingly, it's also keeping me connected to my partner. 

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Jinquiljo.....It is truly hard...unbearable lonliness....lonely for the lady, my beloved Joann, who I am deep in love with...and more so everyday...as it was the entire time I knew her... .and, yet....now...it's......how do I go on in this situation....it's a no win situation...it really is....I'm like you friend....not sure how to live with this...or exist within it....The fact is, I will see my beloved JoAnn again.....it will either be in the clouds at the return of the Lord....or it will be when I leave this world the usual way.....But how to live within this intense lonliness....I haven't found it yet either friend. Maybe we can figure it out over time. God bless!

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Robert, I understand how you feel and you have my deepest sympathy.  It’s a unique situation when you lose your other half.  

I am no stranger to death.  I lost my father in 1968 when I was 14 years old.  I still don’t think I’ve worked my way through that one.  I’ve lost many friends and relatives in the intervening years.  Recently, I lost my mother in 2019 (she outlived my father for over 50 years).  I lost my sister in 2021, at a young age of 62.  I’ve got two other siblings (I think), but they have no relevance to me anymore.

But losing the love of your life is so totally different.  It’s outrageously painful.  It’s knocked me down so hard that I can’t yet begin to get up.  I think about it — I just lost the one person who has really ever understood me.  She made life truly wonderful.

But, though I expect life will not ever be wonderful again as it was (not even close) — I am not going to sit on this couch paralyzed by grief until I die. Yes, it will be painful.  It doesn’t help that I am pushing  70 — especially in California where youth not age is respected.  If I truly love my wife, I will continue with my life.  Not sure how — but thats never stopped me before.  

I get the impression that lots of people here are as paralyzed as I am.  we have to find ways and reasons to continue our lives.  Not easy.

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Jonquiljo....Friend...you have mine too....And i agree about how we have to go on....go on living, rather than, hopefully, just existing....I'm just in the very early stages of this....and lately, it really is "stages" to me....I mean, just over the last 3 months....my thinking...the stress....There is something going on like cascading stages....what looks and feels to me to be what happened to me during and after watching what happened to my beloved JoAnn...Something like being run, dragged through a gauntlet of massive earthquakes...it is truly a miracle from my God...who I love, that I'm still here....Thank you friend!

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2 hours ago, jonquiljo said:

But, though I expect life will not ever be wonderful again as it was (not even close) — I am not going to sit on this couch paralyzed by grief until I die.

Me too, jonquiljo...I'm about to turn 70 in a couple of weeks.  My husband died at 51 when I was 52...I never dreamed things would go this way, but here I am, growing old alone...in the country (next to Cedar Creek Fire, literally), with my dog by my side.  I've reconciled myself to this but it's not easy.

I applaud your attitude and positive outlook, yes it is hard, but you keep on trying.  What else can any of us do!

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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18 hours ago, KayC said:

Me too, jonquiljo...I'm about to turn 70 in a couple of weeks.  My husband died at 51 when I was 52...I never dreamed things would go this way, but here I am, growing old alone...in the country (next to Cedar Creek Fire, literally), with my dog by my side.  I've reconciled myself to this but it's not easy.

I applaud your attitude and positive outlook, yes it is hard, but you keep on trying.  What else can any of us do!

 

 

 

I hope I’ve done this quote correctly.  Well, I think its that magic number “70” that prompts me to feel this way — but it’s just a prompt.  It really applies to all of us at all ages.

Here I am with no family or friends - and all alone.  I am horribly devastated by the loss of my wife.  I’m not ready to give up on life yet — so the only option is to live.  So I’ve got to get out into the world —- go back 34 years - to before I met my wife and try to figure out what to do, despite how terrible I feel.

It doesn’t help that I have a chronic Leukemia which will likely NOT kill me if I make the right choices — but Covid is out there looming for people like me.  The leukemia-Covid combo alone is enough to imprison me.  But lots of us have problems like this.  

Not easy, but I don’t see much choice.  Not easy at all.  Time is not on my side - so I have to figure that one out also.  But that prompt of “70” applies to most of us — 70 or not.

Jon

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Jon,

My husband died of a heart attack from Diabetic complications 17 years ago.  14 years ago I was also diagnosed with it.  I followed their guidelines (as did he), we'd even taken classes!  Three years ago I took charge of my life and joined a diabetic group online, where I have been a moderator the last 2 1/2 years.  I am on Keto for life and was able to get off the meds (I'd been maxed out on two Rxs) and reverse my insulin resistance, heal my kidney and liver damage, as well as Fuchs's Dystrophy of the Corneas (manifest in night blindness).  It's been amazing to me and I love eating this way! 

I wish you the best with your knowledge and response for your leukemia!  You can do this!

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Well, it sounds like you are a very “take charge” person — often a good trait to have.  It is definitely a good trait to handle grief as well.

Living in the SF bay Area you can find a lot of good medical care — though it used to be a lot easier.  Younger people in medicine cant quite manage the cost of living, while the older you are — housing and related expenses actually go down.

The result is that no “new blood “ enters the system and it favors older medical staff who eventually burn out and leave the area. So good care is not easy to find anymore.  Covid threw a big wrench into the system and shut down a lot of medicine for about 2 years.  Now EVERYONE is running for medical care making it a very long wait if you develop a problem. Thats not a good situation to have.  Initial visit waits for specialists can easily be 2-3 months — sometimes longer.  It’s after the first visit do they actually investigate your problem — so it can be 6 months from that first phone call for an appointment to a diagnosis (at best).  

Luckily my leukemia care was established at Stanford in Palo Alto years before the pandemic hit. I saw one of the highly respected clinicians in the field.  Unfortunately, he also had the same kind of leukemia as I do (and was only 62).  He ended up catching Covid and died of complications a few months later.  I had to wait for a replacement, but have one now. 

It just goes to show you how fragile life is.  Even one of Stanford’s top physicians — likely given the best of the best care …. eventually succumbed to a relatively common but deadly disease.  And at 62 he was not fragile in any way.  

As you get older things just happen to you.  It’s impossible to predict.  Our best thing going forward is to stay strong and just survive.    
 

 

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14 hours ago, jonquiljo said:

Initial visit waits for specialists can easily be 2-3 months — sometimes longer.

It took me nearly TWO YEARS to see a gastroenterologist for a throat/tongue condition that still remains a mystery to this day, and I've all but given up!  It has my platelets up about 25% and that inflammation is one of the reasons I wanted answers, but alas, none forthcoming.  Health care is NOT what it was pre-Covid.  Not by a long shot.

14 hours ago, jonquiljo said:

stay strong and just survive.

I feel I've been in survival mode for so long...surviving my "condition", surviving Diabetes, surviving winters, surviving summers, surviving fires & smoke...always trying to survive.  When is it going to be something more than just survival?  (Rhetorical, doesn't require an answer)...

 

14 hours ago, jonquiljo said:

Luckily my leukemia care was established at Stanford in Palo Alto years before the pandemic hit.

I am so sorry.  I'm glad you have yours being cared for.

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