It has been 1 year

[AJ4]

Today is the one year anniversary of when my husband died.  I'm feeling very sad and lonely today.  He was my whole world. We were together over 30 years, and he got cancer.   I'm not sure what to do today.  

[Gail 8588]

Aj4, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I don't think there is anything that will take your pain away today.  The first anniversary is filled with so much emotion. 

You just have to get through it as best you can.  It is most definitely a day where you have to focus on getting through this hour, this conversation with some well meaning but clueless person, breathing through this minute. 

I try to take some comfort in how lucky I was to have a wonderful partner for as long as I did. Many people never have that.

Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Gail

[AJ4]

Thank you Gail.

[April Ballou]

@AJ4 my thoughts and prayers are with you today.  I remember the first year.  So much has happened since then.  The one and only thing I know is God has seen me through every step of the way.  This forum and all the caring people who have been through the same thing that I have.   Even though I am so very lonely everyone here is with me.  We are all here for you.

[Robert D.]

AJ4.....Very sorry for how this day is for you...I have that first one coming 11 months from now....and I know it will be one of the hardest days of my life....as all of them are now....for you...and the rest of us. But know this....we are thinking continually of you today.....and I just prayed to the Lord to give you His grace today....His peace....and direction going forward. God bless!! Be strong...!!

[KayC]

9 hours ago, AJ4 said:

Today is the one year anniversary of when my husband died.  I'm feeling very sad and lonely today.  He was my whole world. We were together over 30 years, and he got cancer.   I'm not sure what to do today.  

I am so sorry...these are hard dates to remember.  Very hard.  I've done them all alone as it was Father's Day when he died 17 years ago.  No one remembers it seems but maybe they just don't call if they do..  My sister did but she's gone now too.  

I am glad you found this site, and I hope it lends you the support so badly needed for all of us.  Thinking of and praying for you.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[AJ4]

My best friend took me out yesterday and refused to leave me alone.  It really touched me that she just wanted to be there for me.   We went to a picnic.

I'm going to a weekly grief support meeting in a church, and the people seem nice but they are all so religious.   And I don't share that particular brand of religion.  But I live in a small town I haven't found any other options.  So I'm doing my best to use what is helpful and not be crabby about the rest, we are all finding our way through grief and for most people religion seems to be a huge part of that. 

[AJ4]

I do have pets, and they are one of the best comforts because they are so busy being cute and playing with each other (or even being naughty because they are puppies) that they keep me in happy thoughts.  They are really good at cuddling too.   

[KayC]

AJ4, I am so glad you have your pets.  I had to smile at the "trying not to be crabby at the rest."  I started a grief support church at our church but it's not religious and anyone can come...I;m sorry this one isn't like that.  I guess all you can do is make the best of it since it's the only option.  I'm glad for your friend and the picnic!  How thoughtful!

[AJ4]

I saw someone at the pharmacy today that I recognized as one of my husband's favorite clients.  I wanted to tell my husband about it- like I want to tell him things that are interesting to me or that would be interesting to him every time like I used to.   

Before he died he told me any time I needed to talk to him after he was gone I could just make a big cup of his favorite tea and then tell him over the cup and he'd be with me in spirit anyway.  So that's what I'm doing today.  

[Robert D.]

AJ4.....I love that! It is a way to continually connect together in your hearts.....It is that connection that is so hard to lose and so important.....I hope your heart and his both have joy today! God bless!

[KayC]

3 hours ago, AJ4 said:

I could just make a big cup of his favorite tea and then tell him over the cup and he'd be with me in spirit anyway. 

I love that!  Your husband must have been quite a guy!

[AJ4]

Yes, to me he was the best.  To other people he may have seemed like a pia, with bad puns and silly songs singing regularly, but to me he was the best possible husband.  We were together 34 years, including dating in high school.  I'm 51 so I didn't know life without him as an adult.   He used to take songs and replace one of the words with "squirrel" and then exclaim to our little kids "Oh no, a squirrel snuck into the song!" until pretty soon the kids were "catching" him at it, exclaimig "DAD a squirrel snuck into your song!"

[KayC]

What a great memory!  I love it, it brought me a smile. Thank you for sharing that.

[Gail 8588]

I love that too.  It may be that a squirrel will sneak into some songs I sing for my grandsons. 

Gail 

[Gord]

Just went through this myself at the end of August…it is painful but not without some brightness in my wonderful memories. Wishing you the best…❤️

[foreverhis]

On 9/25/2022 at 7:39 AM, AJ4 said:

we are all finding our way through grief and for most people religion seems to be a huge part of that. 

That is true for many people and I'm glad they have that support and care.  As long as the church-based support groups aren't pressuring you to join their religion or denomination, then I imagine it could still be a good source of connection.

I will just throw out for your consideration the faith that my John and I evolved to over our marriage.  He was raised in a very traditional Episcopal church; I was raised Methodist-Episcopal (half and half in the family).  A few years into our marriage, we decided to walk away from those churches.  (Fun fact: We kind of started that process even before we actually did it.  We were married by a Lutheran minister who was his sister's friend and who incorporated both Christian and Native American traditions into our ceremony.  It was lovely.)

Some of our family members didn't understand that in leaving specific churches we were not in fact losing faith.  We simply choose to embrace a more universal belief that our human minds cannot comprehend the wonders and mysteries of this vast universe of ours, that there is something beyond this life, something more that is glorious.  And so I have faith that is where my John is now and that that place is beautiful. 

It is entirely my opinion that faith and religion aren't the same thing. And I do not discount the benefits of having a specific religion as the foundation of faith.  If you can feel comfortable at the church's support group, if they will respect you for who you are, then it might be beneficial over time.

[AJ4]

I'm not sure they WILL be accepting if they knew the way I think about all of it- life, religion etc.  Because I don't know the people very well I haven't trusted them enough to give my thoughts on that subject.  During sharing time I just speak about my feelings and my husband.  I felt somewhat out of place at times with some of the religious ideas.   I mean, I doubt they will stand up and shout "oh, you're going to hell, heathen!"  but they might be thinking it.   My spirituality is a source of comfort to me and doesn't involve heaven, hell, devils tempting us into sin or any of that part.    

[KayC]

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It is entirely my opinion that faith and religion aren't the same thing.

Yes!  I have seen "pew Christians" and it is not that.  It is something deeper, something you ascribe to, your belief and relationship also.  So not just a head knowledge.  It's much more personal.  It's something I will always carry with me.

I am also glad I have my church family, it's small and personal, I've been there 22 years and have seen so many changes during this time, but I love the intimacy we have.  But that is an aside and not what this is about.

[BohoKat]

On 9/25/2022 at 9:39 AM, AJ4 said:

I'm going to a weekly grief support meeting in a church, and the people seem nice but they are all so religious.   And I don't share that particular brand of religion.  But I live in a small town I haven't found any other options.  So I'm doing my best to use what is helpful and not be crabby about the rest

@AJ4 I am sorry you are in circumstances that led you here, but I am glad you are here. We share similar stories, my husband of 32 years, my whole world and soulmate, died of cancer also spring of 2021.

I am a devout Catholic also just joined a highly religious grief support group (best of available choices) and am also struggling to fit in. I have a mental illness and have attended many support groups over the years where the concept of God/Higher Power was included. The problem I have is “these are your grief symptoms” then here’s a Bible verse and pray. I am not saying God is not the answer but I believe he gives us experiences to work out for our spiritual refinement. I guess I am just looking for more of the how-to/mechanics I learned so much from fellow group members in other situations. I admire how you are keeping an open mind and if you have any tips they would be appreciated.

Again, so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace as you go into your second year. <hugs>

[Robert D.]

3 hours ago, BohoKat said:

. I am not saying God is not the answer but I believe he gives us experiences to work out for our spiritual refinement.

This is true. See:  The book of Job 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, BohoKat said:

I believe he gives us experiences to work out for our spiritual refinement.

Absolutely!  I could write a book about such experiences, I'm sure we all could.  It is when we are going through the fire we grow.  The "growing pains" can be tremendous.  But it is in those dark times (Dark Night of the Soul, by St. John of the Cross) that we learn and grow, it enriches us...we become wise old buzzards by the time we die! (Or so I say about myself).  In the moment though, we are in pain and often care little about growth, just wanting pain free.  We're human.

[AJ4]

I found out this week that another friend of mine died of cancer.  We hadn't been in touch in a while but I had meant to send him a message of support for a while and I never did.  I feel regret that I didn't do it.   

The other thing this week is we had a staff meeting at work and the owner (small business) talked a lot about my husband, how much he misses him at work and how much my husband contributed to the strong workplace culture they had- and how he doesn't know how to ressurect that.  I was on zoom for the meeting and I cried and cried.  Didn't even turn off my camera.  WTH.  But I did appreciate that he said all those things.   Honestly, does anyone else feel like it's the best present ever when someone talks about your departed loved one in those good terms?  I was crying, but afterwards felt happy.   Yes, I work at an unusual place.  

 

[BohoKat]

Yes, AJ4, it is THE BEST when someone speaks well of the one you grieve. You have someone else that recalls the indelible footsteps your loved one made on this Earth. Peace, BohoKat 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, AJ4 said:

 Honestly, does anyone else feel like it's the best present ever when someone talks about your departed loved one in those good terms?

I love that he did that, he let down his guard and was real, showed real emotions, real and honest grief.  And yes, it means the world to me when someone brings up my husband...it happens less and less now that years have gone by and most in my circle did not know him, a couple of them do.  I used to be able to talk with my sister Peggy about him but now even she is gone.  Is this my life, to out survive everyone one by one, getting more alone as I go? (rhetorical, doesn't require an answer)

 

17 hours ago, AJ4 said:

Yes, I work at an unusual place.  

It sounds like a good place.

 

15 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

sometimes things you didn’t know & also how they miss them too. 

That means the world.