Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Sadness returned almost been one year


Recommended Posts

  • Members

My wife passed away October 6, 2021 and our wedding anniversary was October 10th it would have been 17 years is it was a horrible month. She died suddenly it was unexpected. I had found her in the middle of the night collapsed in the bathroom. Got married at 19 and met in a high school.  I have some great friend who helped me during the darkest period in my life. In early January the intense grief was gone and I was better. One of my close friends whom I have known for over 12 years we started hanging out regularly and eventually started dating at the end of March. Everything has been great and I have been happy and not sad or depressed until today. Today September 24th 2021 was the day she tested positive for Covid and she had a heart condition that covid had made worse. She ended up having a heart attack.

I was looking at the calendar and saw October is right around the corner and have become very sad. Is this normal for the anniversary of the spouse's death to come around and suddenly become sad?

We did everything together including having the same phones, we had the same favorite tv shows,  we were both gamers and had a gaming desktops...etc. I miss her so much.

My wife had many health and made me promise if she ever died that I would move on with my life and find someone else. She didn't want me to be alone. I don't feel guilty moving on but I miss talking to her and hanging out.

I never thought the grief would come back.

Sorry for this being so long.


  • Sad 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I am so sorry for your loss nearly a year ago and the anv. fast approaching...that's how it comes for me too with him dying on Father's Day, I have his bdy and 5 days later his death day, then Oct 7 my bdy and two weeks later our anv.  My husband died years ago before Covid but heart attack with diabetic complications, doing what the doctors said...years later I find out the ADA and AMA are all washed up with their old school recommendations that make you sicker.  I help run a couple of diabetic groups online and have mine under control after 11 years maxed out on meds doing what they said...just like my husband only he wasn't maxed out yet!  I control through diet/exercise only.

It's so easy to beat myself up about what I didn't know back then but we do only what we know to do, and forgive ourselves what we didn't...I have had to accept God's plan if you will...I do know he is spared aging and Covid and all the old age struggles I encounter, and for that I am thankful.  In those early years it was harder to accept, but I was still young then.

I think back to that first year, I remember feeling frantic, in shock, so much a blur now, yet some of it I remember like it was yesterday, my feelings especially.

You have found a good place to be, in a family of people all going through the same thing, a place where people "get it" and understand.  I hope you have familial support on your journey.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.


There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members


Grief comes in waves.  An anniversary of their death, their birthday, or other special days you shared are often triggers for your grief resurfacing.  Sometimes very unexpected, random events might bring your grief to the surface.  Such as hearing a song, seeing a bird or sunset, and your mind will be flooded with memories. She was a huge part of your life, your physical being. It is understandable that you will have emotions associated with your memories of her.

With time it will become easier to be flooded with these memories without breaking down.  I hope the woman you are seeing can understand.


  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

The first anniversary of my husband's passing was yesterday, and I was very sad and also dreading being sad in the days before.  I do think being sad at times like that is normal.   I tried to get out and do things as much as possible.  My friend wanted to make sure I wasn't alone.  I know he wanted me to try to be happy.   

I will send prayers, hugs, and good thoughts for you if you want them.  

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 9/23/2022 at 11:01 PM, netzone23 said:

My wife passed away October 6, 2021 and our wedding anniversary was October 10th it would have been 17 years is it was a horrible month. She died suddenly it was unexpected.

@netzone23  So very sorry for your wife's sudden unexpected passing.  I can relate.  My beloved also passed suddenly.  Like one minute she was here on earth, and the next, her spirit was gone.  So shocking.  For me the days leading up to my wife's passing this past May were pretty sad, maybe sadder than the actual day itself.


16 hours ago, William M said:

I've read that many feel this suddenness is better than a illness.  I just don't know? I'm glad she had no suffering, but there was no goodbyes, no chance to say I love you. No forgiveness for past regrets. There was no time to prepare for this massive change. It just came as a lighting bolt from no where!!!!!

@William M   I get this, I really do.  One minute my beautiful wife was here and then she wasn't.  No time to prepare for anything because why would you when you don't expect this??  Left with an aching loneliness and disbelief.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I don't think either way to lose someone is bettter.  Illness has it's terrible issues and also sudden death has terrible shock for the ones left behind. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.