I discovered my husband was unfaithful after he died

[Lynette Van Zyl]

My husband passed away 4 months ago. Since his passing I have discovered multiple affairs, to date I have found 18 woman. Most of them at the same time or overlapping. 

Im not sure how many were actually intimate partners, but suspect around 6 the rest seem to be text relationship, which I still consider to be affairs as they were secret and the content of the messages was intimate and explicit and most of these woman thought they were exclusive. 

Some of these woman knew about me and were “house friends”

some were his work colleagues and some old school friends.

He told most he was never married, many that I had multiple affairs and he was the victim and some that I was an alcoholic and he needed to stay with me to protect our daughter.....

none of these things are true.

The thing is, we never fought, he was home every night and weekend and the number of trips he took in our 22 years I could count on one hand.  

I have confronted every woman and they all now know about me and about each other.

But the lies told to them and friends and family making me the perpetrator and him the victim are shocking and hurtful and are causing me to be more angry and resentful than sad that he has died.

there is so much more to this story but that’s the gist of it. 

Im just in such a dark place. So angry at everything and everyone it’s really hard to see any light and happiness moving forward

[reader]

Dear Lynette,

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this terrible shock. It's a huge betrayal and deeply painful. I hope these links will provide some help and comfort. My thoughts are with you.

https://howloveblossoms.com/how-to-forgive-your-husband-for-cheating-while-he-was-alive/

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/19/i-found-out-after-my-husband-died-that-he-had-an-affair-what-can-i-do-to-survive

[Lynette Van Zyl]

Thank you

[MonaAlexander]

On 9/20/2022 at 3:03 PM, Lynette Van Zyl said:

My husband passed away 4 months ago. Since his passing I have discovered multiple affairs, to date I have found 18 woman. Most of them at the same time or overlapping. 

Im not sure how many were actually intimate partners, but suspect around 6 the rest seem to be text relationship, which I still consider to be affairs as they were secret and the content of the messages was intimate and explicit and most of these woman thought they were exclusive. 

Some of these woman knew about me and were “house friends”

some were his work colleagues and some old school friends.

He told most he was never married, many that I had multiple affairs and he was the victim and some that I was an alcoholic and he needed to stay with me to protect our daughter.....

none of these things are true.

The thing is, we never fought, he was home every night and weekend and the number of trips he took in our 22 years I could count on one hand.  

I have confronted every woman and they all now know about me and about each other.

But the lies told to them and friends and family making me the perpetrator and him the victim are shocking and hurtful and are causing me to be more angry and resentful than sad that he has died.

there is so much more to this story but that’s the gist of it. 

Im just in such a dark place. So angry at everything and everyone it’s really hard to see any light and happiness moving forward

time has passed on your post how are you f

doing now? i feel you because after him dying i searched his chats (to remember not because i was suspicious) I didn't find anything thank god and i was thinking if i had what state would i be in. He lied in some things though and it hurts i cant talk to him to know why. I still love him amd he still is and will be the love of my life

[Lynette Van Zyl]

10 minutes ago, Lynette Van Zyl said:

On 10/10/2023 at 1:47 PM, MonaAlexander said:

time has passed on your post how are you f

doing now? i feel you because after him dying i searched his chats (to remember not because i was suspicious) I didn't find anything thank god and i was thinking if i had what state would i be in. He lied in some things though and it hurts i cant talk to him to know why. I still love him amd he still is and will be the love of my life

Aah yes some time has gone buy, I realised I would never get the closure I so desperately wanted. I stopped looking when I reached 20 woman and walked away. Partly for my own sanity, but also because of my beautiful child who was struggling with her loyalty towards me and her love for her father. I needed her to grieve and my anger wasn't allowing that to happen.
I still have VERY angry days, I still struggle with my memories over the 22 years we spent together. I wonder what was real and what wasn't. My memories are tainted somehow.

Sometimes its still like a knife in my heart and I cant believe the depth of his betrayal.

I am able to speak about him with my daughter, and laugh about things he did and would say. But the betrayal is never forgotten.  I'm angry still at him but no longer feel embarrassed or humiliated ( after all it was him and them not me). This whole thing damaged relationships / friendships / memories / confidence  even my identity was reduced to this betrayed woman and some much more, but I am slowly able to move forward without what he did intruding on my every thought every minute of every day.

Its a journey, I have no choice but to take.... I walk the road and climb the hills and mountains when I have to. I look over the edge of the cliff when I feel the most betrayed and hurt, but mostly I see the sun rise every day, and i look forward to the future. (bearing in mind today is a good day)

Believe it or not, I do miss the man I thought he was, I miss his smell.  His hugs,  his laugh and just being close sometimes.

I may miss him and I may think of him fondly sometimes, but I would NEVER ever want him back.

 

 

[Uncalm]

I recently lost my husband, and like you, I discovered that he had been cheating for so long with so many others. Reading your original post, it felt like I was writing it. Not only do I have to deal with this loss, I'm so betrayed and angry. Our almost 2 decade long life together feels like a total lie, and everything is tainted. I have access to his phone, devices, and social media accounts, and the lies that he told about us are like a knife in the gut.  For example, we recently welcome a baby, and he told them he was a single dad, or he "slipped up" and got me pregnant. He even used our child to send them photos making himself look like a good dad. I'm so sickened by the fact that I was fooled for so long, and that I trusted this man who clearly did not care for me. What am I supposed to tell my baby when the questions about dad eventually come up? I thought my life was comfortable and now I'm in this mess.

If you're still keeping up with these posts, I'm curious about you confronting the other women. Did it make you feel better? Now that time has past, do you regret it at all? 

Also, did you tell people? I've told some friends, but I feel like I can't tell our families. Mine would not handle it well, and I don't want to hurt his. But it's eating at me, because unlike him, I'm very uncomfortable with living a lie.

Anyway, thanks for sharing. 

[Lynette Van Zyl]

Hello, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

It is the worst kind of betrayal, and it interrupts the grieving process terribly which makes healing so much harder.

Every time I was sad, it was overtaken by anger and for so long I stayed angry, its been 21 months now  and I still have my moments, but mostly I don't live there anymore.

This is what I did and what I learned in the process:

Confronting those woman was necessary, they needed to know what was going on, they needed to understand that they weren't special either (they knew he was married) but like you his lies justified their actions and so I wanted them to know that I had never cheated, was not an alcoholic, did not refuse marriage counselling was and am a great mom and all of his other lies.

It DID help me and I do not regret it, some apologized, some  are still in hiding, some  think I am crazy and some deny everything, - it doesn't matter any more because I told my truth - I had been silenced  by him without knowing it and I refused to let his behaviour have an influence on my life any longer.

Yes  I did tell his family - he had led them to believe that I was not a good mother and that he only stayed for my daughters sake, he had told them that  I had problems, just like the woman and so I told them everything - (with proof) I had to so that a new healthy relationship could be forged especially for my daughter (since she knew about what he had done and had discovered many of his lies herself). I wont lie, it was rough, there were arguments and finger pointing and a lot of anger, but now we are ok, I don't hide my anger or hurt at all. It took them AND ME time to realize that he was 3 or 4 different versions of himself - he was awesome to them a great friend, uncle, brother etc., he was A GREAT DAD, he was what he thought he needed to be to those woman  and  he was my husband.

I still think back and wonder if our tender moments, or memorable outings, the times we laughed or shared our thoughts, were all real or just an act.

But here's what I believe now

Telling everyone healed me - I don't live in the shadows and I walk with my head high. 

He loved our Children very very much and although what he did was terrible , his was and is their dad,  I remember funny things he did and said with them and we laugh about him - especially the youngest who was 16 when he passed.

I am a different person now, less tolerant less gullible and a lot harder. But I don't live in the heart ache and betrayal anymore (that **** will kill you)

Do I forgive him - I'm not sure I can but sometime I think I may

Do I love him still - yes sometimes, so very much

Do I miss him - yes often especially when I want to share something or speak about my day,  he was the first one I called, I miss that , I don't have that anymore - someone to share things with.

Is he still an asshole - absolutely

Am I still angry - sometimes,.

You have to go through it to get through it. Will we ever completely heal from this all consuming betrayal - probably not - but We can be happy again that's for sure.

Its a long road, hold on to those that love you, listen to advice but don't act until you and only you are sure its what you want to do. Its OK to be angry , its ok to cry and its ok to scream .

GOOD LUCK.

Let me know how you are a few month down the line.

 

[Lee Terry]

My husband recently died and I discovered right before he died that he had been having a sexting affair with a woman for years. I also saw fb messenger posts from another woman of a sexual nature. When I confronted him he said the sexting woman & he had been going on since before we moved from Colorado to Arkansas in 2016 & the messenger one was recent. He had a brain tumor that was progressing rapidly so I couldn’t really push him harder because of cognitive deficits. After his death I found a video of him & the messenger woman in a sexual act on one of our trips back to Colorado to visit his sister in 2021. I also saw pics of them together in 2017 on a trip back. He denied ever having sex with the sexting woman but I don’t believe him. I also saw fb messages to & from another woman in 2018 with him sending her nude photos of himself & videos of him in the shower taking care of himself their messages back & forth were very sexual & always ended with love you babe. I also saw messages from younger women that he saw in fb groups that he thought were beautiful & would comment on their posts.  He would ask to friend them which they agreed to & eventually started calling them. He was 68 when he died & they appear to be in their 30’s. Both have said he was never sexual with them when I messaged them but gave them fatherly advice. He would tell them over & over how beautiful they were. He also captured their photos from fb & kept them on his phone which seems weird to me & reeks of predator behavior. I have a feeling that what I found is only the tip of the iceberg. 
 

No one can believe it. He had the appearance of being the kindest most considerate person that would do anything for anybody. People always told me how lucky I was to be married to him because it was obvious to them how much he loved me. I felt like I was the luckiest woman in the world & thanked god for him every day. Now my whole world has crumbled around me. I confronted the woman on the video who was performing the sexual act on him by his messenger & told her what I thought of her. I haven’t confronted the sexting woman yet & the other woman I only know by first name. She removed her fb profile so I can’t see who she is.  My husband purchased tracphone cards for the sexting woman so I’m not sure the phone number I have for her under his contacts is hers anyway. I will say this has fast tracked me through my grief from losing him. We were married 14 yrs & I guess I never really knew him. How does someone lead such a double life?  I have been told by several people that they think he was a sex addict. He is a pos in my opinion. I can’t even think back on our good times because they’re all tainted now. Btw in going through all his papers, he never threw away anything, I found the deposition from his first divorce. He had affairs with three different women & admitted to only kissing an 18 yr old high school girl who was on a softball team he was a coach for. He “kissed” the 18 yr girl on several occasions when they secretly met. I’m sure he’s lying. He told me about the affairs with the three women but it was because his ex was crazy & withheld sex from him. He said 2 were in Florida & 1 in New Hampshire in the deposition. He told me 2 were in Texas & 1 was in Florida. So apparently there were more than his ex found out about. He was in the Coast Guard & they moved a lot is why he lived so many places. He had retired from CG then worked for the post office when he divorced & I met him. I guess working for usps made it very easy for him to meet women. I loved this man with all my heart. I loved him more than anyone in my life ever. I am destroyed & very depressed.  I am also extremely angry!  Has anyone else been told their husbands were sex addicts?

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  This isn't the first time I have heard this.  It does not mean he didn't love you, it means he was messed up.  My heart goes out to you, to find this out AFTER he died is truly hard.

You will undoubtedly want to kill him, but he's already  dead.  It is okay to feel angry and it's okay to miss him and love him but not understand any of it.  Who could?

I hppe you get some counseling to help you sort through this.

Some of who you knew him to be was still your husband, but of course not all of it.  I am so sorry for the lies, that is truly hard to process.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Lynette Van Zyl]

Dear Lee

Its amazing to me to see how many woman have to deal with this. Im so sorry you have to go through this.

Makes you wonder how bad his ex really was - she probably never got the opportunity to speak her truth either.

Derren also made me out to be the troubled wife, I was the bad wife, drank to much, he needed to protect our children, I had affairs etc etc etc.  None of this is true.

Lee, the truth is, its going to hurt for a while, and you will be angry for a long time (I still am), but keep you head held high and carry on speaking your truth.

The betrayal from him is very real.

Those woman knew about you, just like they knew about me, they knowingly decided to participate and I am so proud of you for confronting them, how dare they?

I wrote to Derren everyday, I said what I wanted to say, what I could say to others. So many meant well by standing by me and giving me advice, but I needed to scream and shout and tell him exactly how I felt and writing to him helped so much. There are so many things I said to him, so many questions I asked, I expressed, my anger, my hurt, my disbelief, my doubts,  my shock,  my amazement,  my heartache, my love for him, I asked why why why , over and over,  I didn't find answers to everything, but it helped me sort through things,  doing that made me stronger and realise that even though I will never have answers, I will find peace for myself, because I choose it and deserve it.

Some time soon, I may share my pages and pages of letters with you all, but for now I am just working on being happy.

Good Luck my darling, You are in my thoughts.

 

[Lee Terry]

Thank you for your response Lynette. My husband never said anything bad about me to anyone so everyone I’ve told is in total shock. I usually have to repeat it a couple of times because they’re in such disbelief. They have all said that they could tell he loved me by the way he looked at me & acted around me. My sister says she’s never seen anyone that capable of living a double life without anyone even suspecting something. We’ll he managed.  I hate that I cry every single day. And it just happens. I don’t know that much about sexual addiction so I’m hoping a therapist can shed some light on the subject as well as help me move on. I had planned on burying his ashes in a veteran’s cemetery but when I discovered the video of he & that woman in the back of our car, I lost my mind. I can’t ever remember being that angry. I opened his ashes & threw them into the cat litter I had cleaned out of the box. Then into the trash. I haven’t told his sisters or daughter so when they ask I’ll just have to say I’ve already taken care of them & don’t have them any longer. This will be something else I have to talk about in therapy because I feel kind of bad about it now. There will be no gravesite for his sisters, daughter & grandchildren to visit. I’m angry at myself for letting his actions make me react that way. Not my finest moment & I can never undo what I did. Luckily I had let his daughter & son n law go through all of his things & take what they wanted or that would be trashed too. I have got to get a handle on this anger. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I hate him one minute & miss & love him the next. This is so difficult to deal with. To the world he was this good hardworking, patriotic man who dearly loved his wife & family. To me…well, I don’t know what he was. 
I have read all of his fb messages now. There were so many women he spoke with. Women he went to high school with. He says the things they all want to hear. How beautiful they are & how he should have dated them while they were in school. He talks to them on the phone & makes them feel so special & that he loves them. Everyone of them thinks they know him & have a special relationship with him. I didn’t know he was talking with any of them. Who the hell was I married to???

[KayC]

You aren't alone. I was engaged to someone I knew from Jr High, we went to premarital counseling, he broke up with me when his mom was dying. I found out that's a thing, some people can't do grief and a relationship at the same time.  We parted friends. 13 years later I found out he was married, about to celebrate their 50th.

I was shocked and felt betrayed on every level.  No one told me, not his friends, colleagues, grown children, grandchildren, everyone at his daughter's wedding.  It's like they were all in on it.