Lost my lovely mother

[mayamiyo]

Hi everyone,

I lost my mom 4 months ago, a blood clot. Out of the blue....Still can not believe and I dont know how to cope with that emptiness.

[Never The Same]

14 hours ago, mayamiyo said:

Hi everyone,

I lost my mom 4 months ago, a blood clot. Out of the blue....Still can not believe and I dont know how to cope with that emptiness.

I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand your emptiness,  I'm  also going through the same.

I lost my mother 10 months ago. I'll be honest,  it's been challenging for me. Some days are good and some not so good. I try my best to stay busy and do what helps me to get through the day or next 5 minutes 🙂  but at the same time remembering not be hard on myself.

As time has passed everyone has gotten back to there normal lives and find myself missing and feeling more empty and realize how this is my new normal and that's okay. 

I know nothing will be the same but I'm learning  day by day at my own pace to to live and not feel guilty as my mom taught and wanted me to do. 

 

[mayamiyo]

5 hours ago, Never The Same said:

I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand your emptiness,  I'm  also going through the same.

I lost my mother 10 months ago. I'll be honest,  it's been challenging for me. Some days are good and some not so good. I try my best to stay busy and do what helps me to get through the day or next 5 minutes 🙂  but at the same time remembering not be hard on myself.

As time has passed everyone has gotten back to there normal lives and find myself missing and feeling more empty and realize how this is my new normal and that's okay. 

I know nothing will be the same but I'm learning  day by day at my own pace to to live and not feel guilty as my mom taught and wanted me to do. 

 

Thank you for your lovely words. I am so sorry for your loss. Many diffrent lives but same feelings. I am just like you; some days are better and some days hurt me a lot. 

I cannot replace my mothers place with something else. I feel so numb. You are right, this is our new normal and have to do learn live like that.

[Wandering Soul]

Hello mayamiyo.

I'm so sorry that you have experienced the loss of your dear mother, but I'm glad that you are here.  I lost my mother in 2018; the circumstances were different than yours, but nonetheless, I too felt the emptiness you describe.  I do believe that you and Never The Same are correct when you describe finding your new "normal."  Life isn't the same after the passing of a parent, but I've found that as time continues to march on, the intensity of the pain dwindles.  I don't believe that sadness ever completely goes away, but I think that time helps us adjust as much as we can to these new (unwanted) circumstances. 

I agree with you and Never The Same.  Some days are quite painful and others a bit easier.  I also experienced what I call triggers... sights, sounds, smells that would bring me right back to grieving over the loss of my Mom.  Although those triggers still exist, the recovery time from them isn't nearly what it was right after her passing.  Be prepared for these moments; it's okay to have them, feel them, share them.  What's important is that we do our best to find our footing again, find our new normal... and this takes time.  I obviously do not know your mother, but I would guess that she would not want you to remain sad forever.  

What we do to "recover" from these experiences is different for everyone.  As years have now passed, I've tried my best to find ways to celebrate my mom and her legacy to help ease the sadness.  It's taken time to do this, but it's helped me heal tremendously.  I can't have my Mom back, but I sure can champion on the causes that were dear to her heart and in doing so, keep her memory, her spirit alive.  

My dear Mom was a creative soul who loved to knit.  She joined a local knitting group to make lap blankets and shawls for the elderly and sick, along with scarves and hats for children in need.  When she passed, our family had mounds of yarn, knitting needles, etc.  In time, our family donated her knitting supplies to the knitting group she had joined.  It was painful at first to part with some of these belongings, but I realized that the donation of these items would help continue my mother's quest to aid others and spread kindness.  My Mom's hands can no longer render wonderful knit items, but the hands of others sure can!  In the end, it helped to lessen the sadness.  She would be delighted to know that others continue to push forward spreading kindness in this mad world with her tools of the trade in hand.  

When my mom passed, my father gave me her vehicle.  In cleaning the vehicle, I found a single knitting needle and her sunglasses.  Those items remain in my vehicle still to this day!  It somehow keeps her close.  If she ever needs that lost knitting needle again, I've got it.  If she's ever looking to hitch a ride and needs her sunglasses, well, I've got those too and I'm ready to ride.  You're healing journey may render different preferences of remembering your mother.  I believe you'll find your own, special, meaningful way to do so as you get stronger.  

Love is such a beautiful, complex feeling.  It brings such great joy to our spirits but can also render such deep sorrow and pain, especially with the loss of a parent with whom you were close.  Grief in many ways is the cost we pay for this beautiful experience.  I don't know if this is true for you, but in the passing of my Mom/Dad, I felt that their love was lost, no longer tangible.  However, in later stages of grief, I realized something important.  The love I had for my parents was not terminated by their passing, nor was the love they had in their hearts for me.  It still could be felt and was very real.  It's now unspoken by them and not observed in their actions, but it's relived and revived through precious memories past.  Death did not win, I won't let it.  Cherish and savor the lovely memories you have of your dear mother for they are priceless.

I know that you are still early on in your grieving journey and you feel very alone.  This is normal.  Feel free to come back and express your grief freely, without judgement, in the company of others in similar situations.  You are not alone.  

My hope for you is that you can heal and find your way through these new circumstances to brighter days ahead. I believe you can. 

I hope this helps.  Don't give up.

Wandering Soul

[Traz]

Hi Mayamiyo, NevertheSame and Wandering Soul,

I have been really missing my Mom over the last couple of days, and thought I'd come here to feel not so alone. 

I am truly sorry for the losses in all of your lives. Mayamiyo, to have your Mom pass away without warning... Devastating is the only word I can think of. My heart goes out to you. Both you and NevertheSame are still so early in your grief journey too and the first year is a rollercoaster, I'll be honest.

Wandering Soul, your words made me cry. What a beautiful way to honor your Mom by donating her knitting supplies to her group so they can go on helping others. I was so moved by that and the fact you keep her sunglasses and one needle in your car! 

I wish I could find something like that too but my Mom was a very damaged person from an abusive background. As a result, she struggled with her mental health and had social anxiety. She wasn't a joiner and only had a few friends. In her later years her family became her only source of comfort and social contact. She loved desserts, lol. Was a great baker in her day... I could start baking, but I'd end up eating all of it! I guess I will keep working on ways to honor her as best as I can.

Very true about triggers. They still happen even 3 years on and depending on my state of mind that day, I either handle them or I start crying in the aisles at the supermarket or the dollarstore, which she loved. 

For me, I have to believe that they - my parents and brother - go on in some form or other on another plane of existence. I'm not religious, I wasn't brought up in the church, but I do believe in 'something.' That is to say I have hope that we don't just end. I love researching things on consciousness and near-death experiences. They have brought me a lot of comfort these past 3 years. I think I need to reconnect with that spiritual realm again. 

Everyone faces loss and everyone does what they have to do to survive. Love, as Wanderingsoul said, is a beautiful experience and it transcends time and space. Love does not die. I feel like I'm only now, just truly appreciating some of the things my parents did for me. I wish I had a time-machine so I could go back and tell them. Like, I just took having braces as a kid for granted. We didn't have a lot of money and my Mom worked extra shifts to afford it. So it's things like that and a million more that come to me on those sleepless nights. 

I realize I've rambled on here... May we all take comfort in whatever comes our way - through this site, friends & remaining family, happy memories and the small things. 

Take good care Xo

[Wandering Soul]

Hello, Traz. 

You haven't rambled at all.  Your post is insightful, honest; I appreciate it.  I have so much to say to you, so I apologize in advance if this post contains terrible transitions and random thoughts. 

Express yourself as you may - that's what we're here to do!  I learned awhile back that people who we don't personally know can sometimes (unexpectedly) offer more support to us than individuals who are physically with us on a daily basis.  This lesson came so unexpectedly, but it was powerful!  I was visiting a well-known theater in the states.  I wasn't there for a show, but just to tour it.  One of the areas of the theater has a thick glass, see-through floor which to my dismay, revealed how far away from the ground I actually was.  It was terrifying.  My husband and his best friend casually walked out on the glass floor as if it solid - no problem!  I fearfully stood back, unable to cross.  A building employee monitoring the facility noticed my catatonic state.  She came over and said, "Sometimes all we need is the hand of another to help."  With this, she grabbed my hand and we walked across the glass floor together.  This kind lady was absolutely right.  Sometimes all we need is the helping hand of another... and so here we are.  I think we can cross this "glass floor" together while finding wisdom, strength, and sources of healing from one another.  I'm glad you're here!

I'm sorry that the last few days have been hard for you.  As you know, these days and moments come and go.  I do the same... during moments of sadness, I come back to this forum to dull the feeling of being alone.  It has helped.

I believe that you can still find ways to honor your Mom although she was emotionally compromised as a result of being raised in an abusive background.  Perhaps she wasn't a joiner and she only had a few friends.  Honoring loved ones and keeping their memory alive can be private, personal... just like the knitting needle and sunglasses.  Just sitting here, thinking about your mother I can think of potential ways to honor and remember her.  They may not be exactly what you're looking for but I'll still share.  Take them or leave them - no hard feelings. This is your personal healing journey; you'll eventually find your way. I know you can do it.

With the few details you have provided about your dear mother and the desire you have to honor her memory, here's a few ideas:

1) You said your mother was a great baker back in the day...  Have you thought of celebrating her birthday or her favorite holiday by making one of her delicious treats?

2) Use one of your mother's recipes to bake something delicious that others will savor and enjoy at a potluck.

2) Sometimes communities and/or social groups put together "recipe books" or have recipe swaps.  If you have the desire to share one of her recipes with others, submit it in loving memory!

3) Find a way to help others who have come from abusive backgrounds.  You could volunteer at an agency or make an anonymous donation.  (This has a two-fold purpose, not only to honor your mother, but to help in the lives of others who have also come from abusive backgrounds.)

4) Wear something of hers... it could have her favorite color in it, it could be a piece of jewelry, a scarf, her perfume, etc.  (I grabbed a bottle of my Dad's cologne when he passed... on the days when I'm feeling sad and missing him the most, I'll lightly spray it on something.  It makes it feel as if he's nearby.  It brings a sense of comfort.)

Doing some of these things to honor missing loved ones brings some comfort and turns a terrible situation into something better than what it is.  I'd much rather have my parents back, but this is at least something.  Keep working at it.  Hopefully you'll come back and share your ideas and insight with us.

Reconnecting to a spiritual realm might also really help with your healing journey.  Continue your research, your quest to find answers.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with this; I think death causes several of us to  ponder the unknown.  I think you're right, our loved ones exist in some form or another.  Perhaps this comes across as deluded or misguided in the minds of others, but just like you, I can't fathom that it all just ends - like the off switch of a light.

I know that you've expressed some regret for perhaps not appreciating some of the things your parents did for you, like working extra hours for braces.  You were a child at that moment in time, still learning, still growing, still maturing.  At that age, I'm not sure any of us really fully grasp the gratitude we should have for the selfless acts of our parents.  Age and maturity brings clarity.  I think this form of regret happens to all of us to a degree.  We can't go back and change those situations, but we can take what we now know and implement what we have learned in our interactions with others.  We can hug our loved ones a little longer, be mindful of the words we speak, share gratitude for those who you appreciate, learn to savor important moments while we are experiencing them.  Be kind to yourself... and if you ever discover that time machine, please let us know!

Respectfully,

Wandering Soul

 

[Traz]

Hi Wandering Soul,

What a lovely response and thank you so much for your suggestions on ways to honor my mom. There were quite a few I hadn't even thought of! You are so right about the helping hands of people we dont even know. Your recollection of your experience at the theatre was uplifting. What an angel that woman was to say those kind words and lead you across that glass floor! I would have been terrified also. 

Yes, my mom's background was difficult and I would like to help others - as long as I can find a balance. I find, as many of us do, being the caregiver to everyone. I have been trying to do something for myself now and that's getting back into art. Not going so well, but I haven't given up! 

I think its so great that you have the cologne of your dad's. Smell/scent is so closely tied to our memories and I'm glad it brings you comfort and makes you feel like he is near.  I wish I could have been there to gather a few of these things when my parents' passed. Its a long story why I wasnt but I wont bore you, lol. 

I do have some of my mom's recipes and those are great ideas as well. She had such beautiful handwriting and that brings me comfort when I look at them. My mom also loved jewellery and so my sisters and I each have a few pieces from her collection. I wear her rings frequently and that helps a bit too. 

I guess it's easy to look back with regret but you're right, I was a kid and kids are not the most grateful critters, haha.. I guess I developed maturity and wisdom as I aged. I did take care of her too and helped her all I could when she lost her sight and her health went down hill. I feel good about that. Yes, I try to take what I have learned and apply it in my own life and relationships now. I have more understanding and patience than I used to.

I watched Tyler Henry for the first time on Netflix last night. He is a young man with a psychic gift apparently. He helps people connect with loved ones who have passed on and has worked on forensic cases for investigators. I am not a firm believer in a lot of 'mediums' - I think there's a lot of charlatans out there - but this kid picked up on really random things that had significance to the bereaved person. He had no idea who he was reading beforehand either. His story and background is interesting and his mom features in the show also. If you're open minded and enjoy that stuff you might find it interesting. I have seriously considered this path, so anxious I am to find out if they (my parents & brother) are okay.

Lol, yes if I do find a way to time travel I will let eveyone know! 😊

Thank you again for your insight, suggestions and your lovely way with words,

Take care,

Traz 

[mayamiyo]

On 9/23/2022 at 11:35 PM, Wandering Soul said:

Hello mayamiyo.

I'm so sorry that you have experienced the loss of your dear mother, but I'm glad that you are here.  I lost my mother in 2018; the circumstances were different than yours, but nonetheless, I too felt the emptiness you describe.  I do believe that you and Never The Same are correct when you describe finding your new "normal."  Life isn't the same after the passing of a parent, but I've found that as time continues to march on, the intensity of the pain dwindles.  I don't believe that sadness ever completely goes away, but I think that time helps us adjust as much as we can to these new (unwanted) circumstances. 

I agree with you and Never The Same.  Some days are quite painful and others a bit easier.  I also experienced what I call triggers... sights, sounds, smells that would bring me right back to grieving over the loss of my Mom.  Although those triggers still exist, the recovery time from them isn't nearly what it was right after her passing.  Be prepared for these moments; it's okay to have them, feel them, share them.  What's important is that we do our best to find our footing again, find our new normal... and this takes time.  I obviously do not know your mother, but I would guess that she would not want you to remain sad forever.  

What we do to "recover" from these experiences is different for everyone.  As years have now passed, I've tried my best to find ways to celebrate my mom and her legacy to help ease the sadness.  It's taken time to do this, but it's helped me heal tremendously.  I can't have my Mom back, but I sure can champion on the causes that were dear to her heart and in doing so, keep her memory, her spirit alive.  

My dear Mom was a creative soul who loved to knit.  She joined a local knitting group to make lap blankets and shawls for the elderly and sick, along with scarves and hats for children in need.  When she passed, our family had mounds of yarn, knitting needles, etc.  In time, our family donated her knitting supplies to the knitting group she had joined.  It was painful at first to part with some of these belongings, but I realized that the donation of these items would help continue my mother's quest to aid others and spread kindness.  My Mom's hands can no longer render wonderful knit items, but the hands of others sure can!  In the end, it helped to lessen the sadness.  She would be delighted to know that others continue to push forward spreading kindness in this mad world with her tools of the trade in hand.  

When my mom passed, my father gave me her vehicle.  In cleaning the vehicle, I found a single knitting needle and her sunglasses.  Those items remain in my vehicle still to this day!  It somehow keeps her close.  If she ever needs that lost knitting needle again, I've got it.  If she's ever looking to hitch a ride and needs her sunglasses, well, I've got those too and I'm ready to ride.  You're healing journey may render different preferences of remembering your mother.  I believe you'll find your own, special, meaningful way to do so as you get stronger.  

Love is such a beautiful, complex feeling.  It brings such great joy to our spirits but can also render such deep sorrow and pain, especially with the loss of a parent with whom you were close.  Grief in many ways is the cost we pay for this beautiful experience.  I don't know if this is true for you, but in the passing of my Mom/Dad, I felt that their love was lost, no longer tangible.  However, in later stages of grief, I realized something important.  The love I had for my parents was not terminated by their passing, nor was the love they had in their hearts for me.  It still could be felt and was very real.  It's now unspoken by them and not observed in their actions, but it's relived and revived through precious memories past.  Death did not win, I won't let it.  Cherish and savor the lovely memories you have of your dear mother for they are priceless.

I know that you are still early on in your grieving journey and you feel very alone.  This is normal.  Feel free to come back and express your grief freely, without judgement, in the company of others in similar situations.  You are not alone.  

My hope for you is that you can heal and find your way through these new circumstances to brighter days ahead. I believe you can. 

I hope this helps.  Don't give up.

Wandering Soul

Dear Wandering Soul,

You can not believe how better I feel when I read your letter. Knowing that I am not the first and the last and I am not alone is so relief. I am43 years old and my dad lost his mom when he was 4 years old. I have to accept this reality, I am aware of everything but anyway I feel so empty in my life. My mom was such a kind and nice person as eveyone say that not only our family, everyone feel her emptiness. 

I have a daughter- 11 years old- she misses her to much and I have no power to talk about my mom with my kid. Anway I take a breath and start to tell her what I believe and think, how we still have her love.

My other problem is my dad who is my hero for my entire life. He is 75 years old and my mom died in his arms. As he lost his mom so so early and now he lost his wife he feels so terrible. He is such a precious man to all of us and we try to help him since the first day. Even if I dont lost my mom just he lost his wife, I give my all attention to him. I scare that I will lost him too. This is my nightmare. I have to get rid of this idea.

I feel that I have lots of things to fight. 

When I read your story, I cried. I feel your feelings totally. You are such a powerfull kid to your mother. I am sure that she is happy if she sees you. Your words give me power, thank you.

I have a LA holiday on november, which my mom knows and ordered me something, still I will buy this to her. She is always with me.

I am so happy to have you all here, I can not talk to my best friends but I talk to you. So precious!

[mayamiyo]

Dear Traz,

I am so sorry that your loss is so fresh.. Thank you for your kind writing. Losing without a warning is really a shock. I dont have to to hugh her last time.

I read your letter between you and Wandering Soul and like that you will help other people. Thats awesome. 

I imagine that you publish a cook book with your moms reciepe with some photos maybe, and I wanna have this book and try those recipies.

I decided to write a a blog about losing a parent. Writing is a relief.

I am happy to have all of you here!

Nice to meet you all!

[Wandering Soul]

Hello, mayamiyo. 

You have definitely found others on this forum who can relate to you!  I'm grateful that you've joined us in sharing your feelings and experience.  

Your father sure lost his mother at such a young age.  I'd imagine over time some of his memories of her may have faded slightly.  You don't have to answer this if you're uncomfortable, but does your Dad keep pictures of his mother around?

The loss of your mother is so recent!  I understand not having the easy ability to talk about the loss of your mother with your dear daughter at this stage.  Your still tender and trying to find your way.  You're doing well, despite feeling like you have no energy for these conversations.

I think allowing yourself to have feelings and express emotions regarding the loss of a loved one with a child is okay... as long as they are not violent or frightening.  So, take that deep breath and continue to do the best that you can with your explanations to your daughter.  Tears or no tears, it's okay.

As your daughter is old enough to have some understanding of what happened, it might be okay for your daughter to see you grieving, as she's likely experiencing some of the very  same feelings herself.  This might help her normalize her feelings and indirectly confirm to her that it's okay to be sad over the loss of her grandmother.  It's okay to cry.  Just thoughts.  As her parent, you know best!

I love that your father is your hero...  May he always be a hero in your eyes!

It is hard to watch another person grieve; You want to make the other person's pain subside and it isn't always possible.  I vividly remember my father grieving over the loss of my mother.  It broke my heart!  I too offered as much support and encouragement as possible (while grieving along with him).  I also tried to keep him involved in activities and adventures although COVID-19 certainly complicated circumstances.  We started talking daily as well (I lived two hours away).  If you continue to have the time, keep engaging your father.  Perhaps both of you will find comfort in one another's company and further heal together.  Keep in mind, we all have bad days.  This includes are heroes too.

You do have lots of things to work through, but I know you can do it!  

Your mom will always be with you, in one form or another.  If it helps to incorporate her memory into celebrations, then do so as you see fit!

You can certainly talk to us.  Glad you're with us!

 

Wandering Soul

 

[Traz]

Hi Mayamiyo,

That's a great idea about writing a blog regarding the loss of your mom. Writing helps me a lot too and I'm so glad you found that as an outlet to express your grief. I hope you feel all the warmth and kindness I have felt on this site

Take care,

Traz 

[MarkinFL]

Mayamiyo - I also lost my mom about 3 and a half months ago and she went before my dad which is not what any of us had in mind.  Mom was definitely the glue and the one that held everyone together and she did so much for my dad that he is rather lost now though I am giving him so much credit for doing better day by day than I ever thought was possible.  One of my biggest fears was that my mom would die before my dad and that's just because he loves her so much but she did so much for him that he is not used to 1. being alone, 2. doing all household chores, 3, tending to finances, 4.  A million other things.  Anyhow, the memorial service was just this weekend.  It was super emotional but glad it was a few months later as I could handle it even though it was really sad still of course.