Running out of people to lose....

[Strega]

This.....this has really been a hellish year, but the absolute worst of it has been this summer. I lost my mom back in June. She had an infection in her foot and I had been doing my best to care for her. She she didn't want to go to a hospital. She was so afraid of losing her leg... This wasn't the first infection she'd had, but we had always been able to nurse her through it. She always got better. She....she always got better...

To explain, my mom has always been the most important person in my life. She was always the strongest person I have ever known until....until she lost too many people. It started with my uncle back in 2011, then my older brother in 2014, my aunt later that same year, then my other uncle in January of this year... It all just wore on her. All of that seemingly endless strength she'd always shown throughout my life...I guess even she has her limits. 

One morning, we woke up and she was unresponsive. We had to call 911. They....they came to get her and took her to the hospital. Of course I followed behind. They had Golden Girls on the tv in the waiting room all I could do was sit there and stare at the screen while I waited for them to tell me if ahe was going to live or not. When they did let be in to see her....she was....she.... 

She was so out of it....she couldn't form coherent words. I....I had to help the nurses hold her down so they could try to get her stabilized and get her vitals and such. Looking back, I think....I think that was the worst part. I....seeing her like that....knowing that those incoherent sounds were the last things I would hear in her voice.... That horror didn't even dawn on me until tonight. Gods, this hurts so much.... Does....does this ever stop hurting?

She was transported to another hospital and we had to wait until we had gas money to go see her. She and Dad were never legally married, so as her daughter I had to make all the decisions. You see, the infection had gotten into her bloodstream. She was in septic shock. I know we should have taken her to the hospital earlier, I know. I know I failed her....and I will carry that for the rest of my life. But, at the time I just wanted to respect her choices....let her retain as much of her digity as she could while sick.....to respect her. I....I was wrong. 

Two days later my Dad and I were called to the hospital. They had her on so many drugs to try to bring up ber blood pressure. She was so swollen because if they gave her any kind of dieretic to get rid of the fluid she retained from the medications, it would have lowered her blood pressure even more. She.... she wasn't going to make it. It....it would have been cruel to have her continue like that. She wouldn't have wanted that. I....I had to make the choice to let her go. I....I had to....I had to let go...

I stayed with her as they removed the ventilator tube and turned off all the medications save for the painkillers. It....it happened so fast. She opened her eyes and...and she looked at me. I could swear that she actually saw me there.... And then she was gone. Never in my life....never have I had to accept that she wasn't out there under the same sky as me. She has always been a phone call or text away and now....now there is nothing. I can't talk to her about my fears, my worries. I can't joke and laugh with her. I can't hear her call me on my idiocy when anxiety gets the better of me. I don't get to listen to her stories ever again....I don't get to hug her, or call her a 'responsible adult' and hear her demand that I take that back...

It just hurts so much.... I just want my mom....

I'm sorry....I'm sorry this is so long, I just... I just needed to get this out. It just hurts. She's my mom and my best friend and she's gone...

[reader]

Dear Strega,

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry for your deep pain and sorrow. It's incredibly hard losing so many beloved family members in a short time. Please know we are here with you. And you can write as much as you need to. It's important to share our grief and our stories with others. I want so much for you to feel supported during this sad and difficult time. I hope you will consider grief counselling or joining a support group. These two websites also helped me a lot. Grief in Common and What's Your Grief.

Thinking of you. x 

 

[Wandering Soul]

Hello, Strega. 

Wow, I can closely relate to your situation.  I lost my grandma (2018), mother (2018), grandfather (2019), and father (2020).  Rapid loss of family members really does take a toll on your soul and it's hard to find your way again to happier days.  It's possible, but it sure is a process.  In my own personal case, it felt like I hadn't fully made my way through the grieving process for one relative, when suddenly I was faced with the death of another relative - and starting the grieving process all over again.  It's hard and I have no doubt this could have taken a toll on her and possibly her health.  

My Mom made a similar decision in not going to a doctor... you see she had colon cancer.  She hadn't been feeling well for quite awhile, but didn't tell any of us that this was going on!  By the time we received a diagnosis, it was stage four and had metastasized to another organ.  She elected to do chemotherapy and made it through one round.  She picked up an infection shortly thereafter and was quickly transported to a hospital, passing away within 2 days.  Our family also had to make the choice to let her go.  It was traumatic, in many ways like the passing of your mother.  I can't forget those moments and my guess is that you might not be able to either.  They are still very real and it's been a little over years.  

You ask a great question... ("Does this ever stop hurting?")... I would tell you that it always hurts to a degree, but as time continues on, the pain feels less intense although the memories still remain vivid. 

I too blamed myself for my mother's death.  (Why didn't I....?  Why didn't I push her to keep up with her check-up appointments?  What if...?)  It wasn't until years after her passing that I started to come to the realization that there really wasn't much I could have done to change the outcome.  This was her body and she was mentally stable and capable of making these decisions about her care (both preventative and diagnostic).  Just like you wanted for your mom, I wanted my mom to have her dignity, to have control over her situation.  Do I agree with her decisions - no.  Would I have made different decisions for her - yes, but I wasn't legally able to.  Both of us can look back at these situations and find moments that we might have been able to potentially change in one way or another, but we can't change them now.  Blaming yourself for your mother's passing will not change or alter the course of what's happened.  I know how deeply this hurts and how much we both would want to change the outcome of our parents premature passing, but we can only move forward... one very small step at a time.

You were brave, selfless and kind to make the intensely painful decision to let your mother go.  It may not be fully clear to you during your grieving journey, but in the very moment you made this difficult decision, you were honoring and respecting your mother just as you had done throughout the course of her illness.  Your stronger than you feel and/or believe.

I'm glad that you were able to be with your mother during her last moments (as emotionally devastating as this is).  Perhaps when she last looked at you, you gave her the comfort she needed to pass away peacefully knowing you were right by her side.  What a dedicated, loving, compassionate person you are.

The inability to reach out to your mom through a text, phone call, or visit will be hard for quite awhile.  You may not be able to to laugh or joke with her, but that's not entirely gone.  Those moments live on in your mind and in your heart.  I know it's not the same, but those moments are what we have left to savor.  Protect and cherish those fond memories.  The fond, happy moments I have of my parents have kept me going... in my darkest hours.

I know you probably feel "empty" at this moment.  I did too after the passing of my mother and father.  It took me awhile, but I figured out that although my parents weren't physically here with me, our love for one another didn't change because of their passing.  It still exists and is very real, although now unspoken.  Your mother still loves you.  Death can't take that away.

I'm glad that you found us.  You're not alone!

Wandering Soul

 

 

[beegee22]

Strega:

Everything you're feeling is exactly the same as what I'm feeling. I wish I had pushed my mom to go for a chest xray and CT sooner. However, when I realistically review the timeline, the outcome wouldn't have changed much. I believe that there is an element of fate. My mom survived melanoma 35 years ago. And 25 years ago, she had a cancer scare on her liver where multiple doctors told her to get her affairs in order. Turned out it wasn't cancer. In 2015, she survived a stroke with nearly no functional deficits. Just earlier this year, she survived a complicated vascular leg surgery. Over the years, she was nearly hit by cars crossing the street more times than I can count. In fact, one driver yelled out "Lady, today is your birthday". She was meant to survive all those challenges. Unfortunately, her lung cancer came charging back 2 months ago like a speeding train. I am very thankful that she lived until 86; so many things could have end her life much sooner.

Having said all that, none of it changes the result for me. Just like you, I miss my mom. Terribly. I wish I had her another 10 years although the pain of loss would likely be no easier then. She was my confidante, my best friend, my mentor. She was always at the other end of the phone and I could ask her opinion on the most insignificant things. She was my compass. Without her, I feel lost, without direction. At 51, the prospect of spending decades (if I'm lucky) without her presence scares the daylights out of me. Every time I think about it, my anxiety goes through the roof. I pray that these feelings subside with time as it has been less than 2 weeks since her passing. So know that I am with you and share your pain. I lost my dad, all grandparents and a cousin but none of those losses affected me the way my mom's loss is. There's no comparison. It is the worst pain I have felt in my life. As someone who has always struggled with anxiety anyway, this event has amplified it 1000 times. I have not been to work in almost 3 weeks and the thought of going back scares me but on the other hand, being around happy people would likely help me. I just don't want to be breaking down in front of clients.

We need to stay strong and believe that in time, we will be able to lead productive lives without our moms. That is almost impossible for me to imagine right now but it's the only hope we have to hold on to.