I lost the love of my life and I can’t heal

[SomeDude]

Hello, I am here to let my story be told and maybe hear from some of you how maybe you have been able to cope with the loss of someone close to you.

 

I will tell you about me sparingly. I am a 22 year old guy who struggled his early teen years with depression. I was just sad and had abandonment issues stemming from fake people and lies I was told growing up as well as a forcefully religious household.  At the age of 18, I attempted for the 3rd time in my life but this time was different. When I failed I decided I would make a drastic change to my life and drastic it was indeed. I stopped taking the pills and ditched the therapy.

I changed everything and after a year and a half I was officially “cured” in my eyes. I was no longer depressed. I finally built up my confidence and saved myself through my own determination and will power and with a strong support group I made along the way.

This is where my story turns unfortunately. In 2020 at the height of the pandemic I met a beautiful girl. We will call her “Cadence”. I fell in love with her hard and crazily enough? After years of telling myself I would not ever find another person in my life? I guarded myself harshly but this girl broke through all the locks and got me to fall in love with her.

I never had such a happy relationship with someone in my whole life. I mean…It was almost perfect. Crazily no fights, we didn’t disagree on much but music choice and I was just someone who didn’t have a particular taste!  In the 2 years I knew this girl it was rose tinted glasses and I was falling in love so fast.  Lived together and loved together. Come December last year I proposed, We made it official and it was amazing. I was head over heels and we were both so happy to plan our life together and that we did. Plans to move to Arizona from Florida and write the rest of our story.

Little did we know 3 months later in March? I would receive a devastating call while she was out at an event as I was at work. Her heart failed and she was pronounced dead before the ambulance even showed up. I got the call from friends who were with her and I lost everything in that moment.  I lost my whole world.

Time and time again I continue to crumble. I have been through the stages of grief 7 times since March and there is nothing but constant pain that I have to push down and constant times where I feel like I will never find it again and I lost my soul mate.  

Last night, I picked up a gun and broke my almost 4 year streak of being sober from a suicidal action. I luckily stopped myself from ending it but I just snapped. I am seeking professional help now because I can’t keep living in pain. I am tired of being so sad and the kind words of strangers doesn’t just save me.  I have plenty of people who say they are here for me and want to support me but that’s not what I need.

I don’t know what I need or how I can process this. So here I will ask. Do any of you have any tips or advice for a kid like me? I just..Don’t want to be sad anymore. I hate going through the stages of grief over and over because every time it child away at my heart and makes it harder to remain alive.

 

Sorry, But I wish I knew where else to turn. I need advice from people who know what I am going through somewhat.

[KMkm]

Grief is hard to deal with.  Feeling the emptiness when you lose the one you love so deeply.  I lost my wife last December and it's been hard ever since.   Everyone including me will tell you that the only thing that will heal is time.   The pain never goes away but it changes and you are able to deal with it a little better.  I'm sorry that you are here and the pain  you feel will stay with you.  Believe me it will get easier but it never goes away.  I hope you keep strong and know that our loved ones want us to be happy and to continue on remembering and sharing stories of them.  Take care of yourself.

[Brazil Man]

18 hours ago, SomeDude said:

Last night, I picked up a gun and broke my almost 4 year streak of being sober from a suicidal action. I luckily stopped myself from ending it but I just snapped.

I am sorry to know what happened to you. I also tryied suicide while my wife was still alive and with terminal cancer. And I considered suicide several times after she died. Now I don't intend to do it anymore. It's dangerous because you don't know the consequences for your soul. Please don't try it anymore. Feel free to continue posting here and we will be glad to help you. I was married for 30 years and this is my 4th year grieving. I had some improvement but I had a hard time in my early grief. Just allow time to pass and you will have some improvement that will make it more bearable as time goes by.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your immense loss...esp. at such a young age when your life is just beginning, it must feel like a huge gyp...and it is.  Know that suicidal thoughts come to us in early grief...once we take that off the table as an "option" it helps, but then it's the "what now?"  And that's the hard part.  It can take a few years to begin to do our grief journey, to process our grief, to figure out how to do this.  I've heard the "fake it until you make it" adage, maybe something like that...

It helps immensely to come here to read and post, know you aren't alone, that others "get it" and understand, that you're not crazy, there are others going through the same things and feeling/thinking the same thoughts.  In time it will seem a bit lighter...not "happy" like when she was alive, but somewhat easier than it feels right now.  I'm glad you're getting help.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Lost7]

You are very wise for someone so young to seek out help. It's true there is no pain as intense as loosing the love of your life...I lost my husband of 37 years 8 mths ago and it is still hard. But this forum and everyone on here cares and knows your pain. Please keep coming back and know unfortunately you are not the only one , you are not alone.

Virtual hug Lost7