Boyfriend Passed Devastated, Confused, No Closure

[ENTC]

I lost someone I met in treatment. We only knew each other a bit over a month but fell hard and fast. I've never felt such a close connection to another human being in my life. He got me to let go of a lot of things I was afraid of and to be myself unapologetically. He was the first person to get me to smile after 3 days in detox. He got me to sing karaoke for the first time too. It was the definition of love at first sight and we quickly became very codependent. We left treatment together (against medical advice) and then I flew home. He asked me to go home even though I didn't want to. He said it was because he didn't want me to ruin my life which he felt had potential (he was older than me and living a different lifestyle). The last thing he did was kiss me and tell me he loved me and was so glad he met me. He promised me he would call me when my plane landed and told me that he would remain in contact and send for me if things improved. I never heard from him again after that. Several days later on 8/26/22 his friends contacted me telling me he had overdosed and died. I kept asking about him and at least 5 people told me the same story. What's making this so difficult is that he was homeless for 8 years and I can't find any record of his death or burial. I'm sure what I'm being told is true, but I'm in complete denial about it and can't deal with the lack of closure. I go from dreaming about him at night and waking up to fits of crying knowing in my heart he's gone to not even believing he's gone at all. How do I move on without the closure of a service or knowing where he's buried? I've checked dozens of online databases and have recovered nothing. I feel hopeless. Any advice would be helpful

[Ronni_W]

ENTC, I am sorry for your loss, and the added trauma of not being able to settle for yourself that your boyfriend has actually died; is actually dead. It's a traumatic and traumatizing thought...at least, for me, when I found out that my husband was dead, it was that, for me.

I do not know the 'legal ways' for getting the information that you'll need to accept his death. If you know the jurisdiction, perhaps the coroner's office there? Can you be back in touch with his friends who contacted you in the first place?

I can't imagine how difficult it is, to be going through this, mentally as well as emotionally. When you feel ready, you can simply hold your own 'closure ceremony' -- it is the love and meaning that you will give to it, that will make it loving and meaningful, yes?     All my very best to you. May you find the answers and the peace that will make all of this just that little bit 'easier' on your heart and mind. (Not "easy", but just a little bit easier.)   Ronni

[KayC]

15 hours ago, ENTC said:

I can't find any record of his death or burial.

It can take a month or two and sometimes longer if there is an investigation and no family to publish news of their death (it costs $ to do an obituary).  

I am so sorry you are going through this!  In time it'll be online, but it could take quite a while.

Praying for you as you go through this!  I wish there were some easier way to go through early grief but I found every step of the way to be like having weights tied to my feet/heart/soul.  Know it will get easier eventually but never "easy."
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Brazil Man]

On 9/16/2022 at 8:41 AM, KayC said:

I am so sorry you are going through this!  In time it'll be online, but it could take quite a while.

That's true. We have a database of deceased people in Brazil. I used the search it to make sure my wife was there but I never found her name. I was not able to include her name because there were some notary's office information missing. Some time ago I searched there again and for my surprise I found her name there. I became sad again when I saw her name there. Perhaps someone of her family or the notary's office itself registered the information. It took about 4 years to be included. 

[ENTC]

19 minutes ago, Brazil Man said:

 Some time ago I searched there again and for my surprise I found her name there. I became sad again when i saw her name there. 

That's what I'm afraid of. I already broke down completely when I heard what happened to him. When I see the actual proof of his passing I know it's going to feel like it's happening all over again.

[Brazil Man]

8 minutes ago, ENTC said:

When I see the actual proof of his passing I know it's going to feel like it's happening all over again.

You will be shocked at first, but time will decrease the pain again. I still feel shocked or sad everytime if find something about my wife, even small things, like online orders she used to do in webstores, etc.

[Ronni_W]

On 9/17/2022 at 12:54 PM, ENTC said:

That's what I'm afraid of. I already broke down completely when I heard what happened to him. When I see the actual proof of his passing I know it's going to feel like it's happening all over again.

Dear ENTC, you don't have to unless you want to and until you feel ready to. For me, I have steadfastly refused to 'Google' to find out what is on Google about all of it. I HAVE asked a trusted friend to Google on my behalf, and to only give me the very specific answers to my very specific questions. (So, even though I know that there is a bunch of other crap on Google about it, I didn't also put myself through the trauma of having to read any crap about it.)

However. It is not that I needed any kind of 'Google proof' (or any other social media), to know it in my heart. So...yes, we do have to come to our own realization that they have actually, truly, really, genuinely transitioned out of their physical body. It here also depends upon your personal philosophy or beliefs about life and death.

I think...yes, we do have to go through the destabilization and trauma of 'feeling it' at least once. The first time is, of course, the hardest; the most difficult; the most painful; the most destabilizing and traumatizing. But, it's almost like...we need to be kind enough to our own self for our own future and ability to even start to heal and cope and come to terms with...     It may not even feel logical or sensible or 'sensical' right now, that it is a type of kindness that you can give to your own self...             to really, truly, deeply 'feel it' -- even though doing that feels (will feel) like hell and misery and grimness and bleakness, and something from which we're not really sure that we will ever be able to recover.

Wishing you all the best, ENTC. It just all craps out and is horrific and craps out. There is no other way to say it, as far as my own experience of it.   Love and hugs, Ronni

[ENTC]

Update everyone. I can't believe it. I just found out he had been in a coma for 3 weeks and was declared brain dead and on life support. That's why people had been saying he was gone, but I couldn't find any records of his death. They were going to pull the plug, but a couple days ago he woke up! His best friend found the hospital he's in and let me know immediately. Apparently he had a stroke, remembers things and can nod yes and no and laugh and cry but can't walk or talk. I'm really happy he's still alive, but still devastated that this happened to him. I currently don't have the funds to go and visit him, but I'm working on it. I guess miracles really do happen!

[KayC]

I'm glad you found out the reality of it and pray for a miracle!