My life has changed

[Denise Petty]

I lost my husband/best friend suddenly on May 12th.  Waking up and he was not responding to me was the most scariest moment I ever had to endure in my life.  My kids and I seen what would be the last time we would ever see him alive.  I often wonder did he suffer or felt the pain and I'm beating myself up cause why didn't I turn over sooner, was he trying to wake me and I didn't hear him.  I'm depressed now I just want him back.  I can't eat, sleep or work.  How do someone get over this.  Please help I need some suggestions on how to get my life back  I just want to sleep and ball up and not come out my room.  

[Brazil Man]

2 hours ago, Denise Petty said:

How do someone get over this

There's no easy way out. I am struggling with grief for more than 4 years and it still hurts. Only time can make the pain more bereable. You must allow time to pass.But if you cannot eat or spleep for some more time you need to seek medical help. I suffered a lot in my early grief but I had no problem sleeping or eating. I've been reading and posting on this forum for about 4 years but I saw few people reporting problems with spleeping or eating. When this happens medical help is needed. We will be glad to help you in your grief, but not with health issues.

 

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  I'm so very sorry you have a reason to join us here; I'm sorry any of us have to be here.  You've found a good place to be though among members who "get it" and who are living through the hardest thing in the world:  Losing our soulmates.

You are going through an early part of grief that includes guilt, a nasty companion.  Most of us have or are going through that as well.  We're the ones left here and so we search for what our hearts and mind believe we could or should have done better or differently.  "If only..." and "Why did/didn't I...?" are so typical as to be nearly universal.  But I learned that just because we feel something that doesn't make it true/fact.  What you are feeling, wanting to curl up and never wake up again is completely typical and expected. But I have learned that our grief does not stay the same.  Over months and years (not days and weeks), it evolves and for me that has meant learning how to shift my constant guilt into regret.  It's hard and painful, but I'm working on it.

I read posts with suggestions to try to look for one small happiness/good thing every day, no matter how small:  A Monarch butterfly flitting past, a Peregrine falcon swooping down and calling (they nest nearby, so this is really common where I live), a rainbow, our granddaughter's voice finally laughing after months of tears.  All these things were moments of respite from the crushing weight of losing my soulmate.  And after many months, I realized I was finding those bits of light without searching.  After 3 years (which I realize may be longer than for others), I started really figuring out how to find a life I could live without John in the here and now, and with a different kind of happiness, much smaller for sure, but it's there nonetheless.

One thing that may help is if you try to stop thinking about "getting over" your loss and grief.  I don't believe we do get over it or simply figure out how to "move on," as if we should shut the door and forget the past.  Instead with time and help, we learn ways to move forward into a different life as we carry our grief and our love with us.

The stark truth is that, as I'm sure you know, we can't get back the life we had and so we have to figure out how to forge a new path on a painful journey.  Each of us walk our own path, but on the same road together.  Our daughter was grown and with a daughter of her own.  And so while I can sympathize, I did not have to raise a child or help her through her grief in the same way.  My husband was a perfectly imperfect, loving, and wonderful man, partner, best friend, dad, and grandpa.  Our granddaughter adored him as he adored her, so that's been my challenge in keeping him "alive" and "present" for her.  That is vastly different from the challenges you face and will face as you go forward.  There are a number of parents here who have children at home, so I hope you can connect with a few of them.

Mostly right now, I urge you to come here and read, post when you can, and know that we do not judge or admonish or tell you have to think, feel, or act.  Sometimes just "talking" about in posts helps; at least it has for me.

[Ronni_W]

Dear Denise Petty, my deepest thoughts and feelings on your loss.

When I found out that my husband was dead, 2 years ago, I didn't even consciously think about eating or sleeping...BUT...I did follow my own body's cues for when to do what. (Sometimes it was that I had cereal for supper, or popcorn, or pizza...or cookies or a chocolate bar and milk (or orange juice or ginger ale)...whatever it was. And, when my body got too exhausted, then it fell asleep. Sometimes for only 30 minutes, sometimes for a few or a lot of hours.

So, from my own experience, I would offer to maybe just follow your own 'rhythm' for what your physical body is telling you. It doesn't matter if the next person or some doctor or dietician will tell you that it is "unhealthy" or "healthy"; just do how it feels okay for you to do, right now or in whatever given moment.

You do also talk about your kids...so I assume that they are still young and dependent on you and your/their family, friends, loved ones and support circle. So, possibly your children might be able to help you inner-inspire and motivate yourself? (I don't know; I did not have any dependents to be also responsible for when my spouse died; only myself.) But, in any case, it is fine to just do the very bare minimum that needs to get done...whether for yourself and/or for your children. It's perfectly fine for right now. Your loss is still so very recent. Be as kind and caring and compassionate with yourself as you can possibly be. That is perfectly fine.

Love and hugs to you and to your children and family.   Ronni

[Denise Petty]

Thank you to everyone who posted on my post.  Me and my husband was together for 30 years and starting this next chapter without him is not what I expected,  I am currently seeing my Dr., a therapist on a weekly/biweekly basis and a psychologist once a month.  I am on anxiety medications and one to help me sleep so  yes I have been seeking help.  I have been having some dreams about him that seem so real and I wake up crying.  My kids are grown except 1 and we all live in the same complex so when it happened that morning, I alerted them and they were there.  Our daughter was doing CPR till the paramedics arrived it was just a big emotional day.  I appreciate all your advise and support that I have received so far.  I will be taking all this in to context and putting it towards my everyday life.  THANK YOU ALL AGAIN!!!

[Brazil Man]

10 hours ago, Denise Petty said:

Me and my husband was together for 30 years

I also lived with my wife for 30 years, so I know what it means. I am sorry for advising  you medical help, I didn't know you were already on medication. So just continue posting and we will be glad to share your grief. Spleeping is the key to let time pass more easily and eventually make the pain more beareble.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Denise Petty said:

I lost my husband/best friend suddenly on May 12th.

I am so sorry...this one statement says it all...your truth forever...changed your life, and that of your kids.  I'm glad you have them.  Four months.  It seems so long ago and yet just yesterday at the same time, as time seems a warp right now.    It's been 17 years for me.  It's like it got better to a point and that was it...the rest I have to live with.  I highly recommend a grief counselor or support group, I had to wait and start my own group here after a few years because my little town in the country had none.  I was more ready by then with plenty of material collected from over the years. 

I'm glad you found this place, it's a place like this that literally saved me when I went through those early years.  A way to get it out, to hear others that get it and understand.  And to know I'm normal, in spite of how abnormal it all felt.

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Lost7]

Denise Petty 

I am so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. I lost my husband after 37 years of marriage to COVID-19. I will be praying for you and your family. I will say that this site has helped me just coming and reading the post and knowing that I'm not alone in this awful pain. 

Virtual hug 

Lost7 

[Denise Petty]

OMG it is so crazy how I really feel at home here. Everyone sharing there stories and seeing that I'm not alone.  No one here is telling me I should be better now and I am so glad I have found a home to grieve.  My husband was my everything and I'm so sorry for everyone that has posted to me and lost a loved one.  Not a day that don't goes by that I don't shed a tear but some crazy things have been happening to me and I wonder. I remember when he got me my dog for Valentines day it wasn't a teacup but a Shitzu and I love him now more than ever.  He spoiled me like no other.  It's like I cry when Im happy and I cry when I'm sad.  Medication does help me to calm my anxiety. @KayC I will take all that into consideration  That is some very good advise.  I will pass that along to my sister as well as this website @Lost7 my sister lost her husband to Covid last year so this will be good for her to join as well.  @Sim7079 i am def dealing with all that now and I try everyday to focus and do something different but i just don't have the motivation.  its sad that people don't understand what we are dealing with. @Brazil Man its ok i was on medication the next day i already knew what this was go be for me.  Thank you all again.  I will be praying for everyone.  we are in this together no matter the situation. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Denise Petty said:

No one here is telling me I should be better

This is a safe place to be as we are fellow grievers, we "get it," understand, and want to walk this journey with you if you want us to.

[Denise Petty]

On 9/16/2022 at 10:54 AM, Lost7 said:

Denise Petty 

I am so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. I lost my husband after 37 years of marriage to COVID-19. I will be praying for you and your family. I will say that this site has helped me just coming and reading the post and knowing that I'm not alone in this awful pain. 

Virtual hug 

Lost7 

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss. My sister lost her husband to Covid last year after 25 years of marriage.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I will be praying for you and your family.  

[Suea]

@Denise Petty I am sorry for your loss. My husband passed 6 months ago after 32 years together. I am still dealing with guilt feelings. Rehashing what ifs, what I should have done or done differently. I think for me, I am trying to get control over something I had no control over to create a different ending. A happy ending not the heartbreaking one I got. 

I also have sleep issues and don't eat properly right now. I think it's all due to grief.

I just read something that hit home that I will share.

"Grief doesn't get lighter, we just get used to the weight."   

[Ronni_W]

On 9/29/2022 at 1:07 AM, Suea said:

"Grief doesn't get lighter, we just get used to the weight."

In my own experience -- obviously not the person's who is being quoted -- grief does get lighter; or, at least, it can. But, if we're expecting our grief and sense of loss to go away all together, then that is what is not particularly reasonable or realistic or even possible.

But it's also not accurate to think or believe that it won't get any lighter than we're feeling it right now, in this week or month or year. (For me, it's been around 3 years, and only now -- but only very recently -- starting to feel a little bit lighter than it did last month. Before that? Sort of the same weight of heaviness, but getting lighter... but only by just a little bit. Baby steps; small progressions. Hope can still be held.

[Ronni_W]

Sim7079, yes, it's been something similar for me also. For me, for the 3 years, to be honest, my heaviness and burden of my grief has felt more overwhelming than just 'a lot sometimes'. For me, it's ,much more like it has consumed (eaten away) all of my hours, even when I was doing something that was (temporarily) enjoyable or pleasurable. (Time with friends, or working on my 'life plan'.)

I recently had an 'akashic reading', and was 'counseled' to meditate to try to (re)connect with 'Cosmic Frequencies and Vibrations of Cosmic Love' -- at the time it sounded like just a lot of BS and hocus-pocus and nonsense and garbage to me...but, yeah...I still wanted to try to do exactly that. So, it was only after that, that I've started to feel these fractional shifts of the heaviness and burden of my grief getting lighter. Fractional; really, really teeny-tiny, itty-bity little bits of a fraction of a sense of.

On the other side. Yes, it was another lifetime. It won't ever be not another lifetime. I need to figure-out how to design a new plan for my entirely new lifetime.  (I don't know how, exactly; or even what I'd like this new one to look and feel like. But I do know that this new one has cannot have anything in it, that includes my dead husband's physical presence or contribution. I can feel and experience the same...but not with him as part of my feelings and experience.) Does it suck, having to try to figure-out this new way for me to live? Yes..

 

[AJ4]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Four months is not long at all.  It is expected that you are still having difficulty with certain things, because your love and your life together was very deep.   That bond leaves a permanent impression on you.  The way I think of it, my husband's impression and the mark he left on me, my life, my personality even, is part of the way that I carry a bit of him with me always in my heart and mind.    My husband and I were together 34 years with including the years we dated in high school.   He was everything to me, but I still feel like I can carry part of him with me in the memories and feelings we had together.  The pictures, the life we built, the children, it is all a part of him too.  I have been attending a once a week zoom meditation and that helps me settle down my mind.  I try to put pieces of the practice into my daily routine too.  

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I’m interested in trying meditation to just calm my racing mind & also connect to my husband’s spiritual energy more often.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/10/voices-of-experience-reflections-for.html
https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/7778-meditation/

[April Ballou]

@KayC happy birthday Kodie.

[KayC]

Last night I read Kodie his birthday card (email) from his vet and showed him Mommy, Panther, and Kodie on the front, he was looking earnestly at it, and I read it to him and his ears really caught on the "Mom will give you a special TREAT!" 

 

[Lost7]

KayC 

He is such a handsome boy. I hope you all enjoy your special day. Happy birthday kodie. 

Lost7 

[KayC]

Thank you, @Lost7 !

[Suea]

He is one cute pup! What a blessing.

[Sparky1]

Kodie is so beautiful Kay. My dog used to go nuts when I said 'treat', now she's hard of hearing but yet she can hear bags ruffling and jumps up right away hoping it's a treat.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

she can hear bags ruffling and jumps up right away hoping it's a treat.

That is so cute!  Their hearing is amazing!

 

7 hours ago, Suea said:

He is one cute pup! What a blessing.

Thank you!

 

[Ronni_W]

To get back to the topic at hand, Denise Petty, how are you doing?    Love and hugs, Ronni

[Sally72]

On 9/15/2022 at 4:28 PM, foreverhis said:

Welcome.  I'm so very sorry you have a reason to join us here; I'm sorry any of us have to be here.  You've found a good place to be though among members who "get it" and who are living through the hardest thing in the world:  Losing our soulmates.

You are going through an early part of grief that includes guilt, a nasty companion.  Most of us have or are going through that as well.  We're the ones left here and so we search for what our hearts and mind believe we could or should have done better or differently.  "If only..." and "Why did/didn't I...?" are so typical as to be nearly universal.  But I learned that just because we feel something that doesn't make it true/fact.  What you are feeling, wanting to curl up and never wake up again is completely typical and expected. But I have learned that our grief does not stay the same.  Over months and years (not days and weeks), it evolves and for me that has meant learning how to shift my constant guilt into regret.  It's hard and painful, but I'm working on it.

I read posts with suggestions to try to look for one small happiness/good thing every day, no matter how small:  A Monarch butterfly flitting past, a Peregrine falcon swooping down and calling (they nest nearby, so this is really common where I live), a rainbow, our granddaughter's voice finally laughing after months of tears.  All these things were moments of respite from the crushing weight of losing my soulmate.  And after many months, I realized I was finding those bits of light without searching.  After 3 years (which I realize may be longer than for others), I started really figuring out how to find a life I could live without John in the here and now, and with a different kind of happiness, much smaller for sure, but it's there nonetheless.

One thing that may help is if you try to stop thinking about "getting over" your loss and grief.  I don't believe we do get over it or simply figure out how to "move on," as if we should shut the door and forget the past.  Instead with time and help, we learn ways to move forward into a different life as we carry our grief and our love with us.

The stark truth is that, as I'm sure you know, we can't get back the life we had and so we have to figure out how to forge a new path on a painful journey.  Each of us walk our own path, but on the same road together.  Our daughter was grown and with a daughter of her own.  And so while I can sympathize, I did not have to raise a child or help her through her grief in the same way.  My husband was a perfectly imperfect, loving, and wonderful man, partner, best friend, dad, and grandpa.  Our granddaughter adored him as he adored her, so that's been my challenge in keeping him "alive" and "present" for her.  That is vastly different from the challenges you face and will face as you go forward.  There are a number of parents here who have children at home, so I hope you can connect with a few of them.

Mostly right now, I urge you to come here and read, post when you can, and know that we do not judge or admonish or tell you have to think, feel, or act.  Sometimes just "talking" about in posts helps; at least it has for me.

@foreverhis Very good thoughts and advice!! I just want to say this is wonderful, foreverhis! And @Denise Petty you ask how someone gets over this and how to get your life back… as cliché as this sounds it’s true, time is a big part of your answer. Slowly you will heal. To some extent the scars will always remain but the gaping empty hole in your life will slowly heal over. Each day doesn’t seem like much but with the passing of the days the sun will shine again, the fog will lift and the pain will diminish. Life will again look doable, possibly even happy again!  The pain begins to be less sharp and stabbing and becomes a dull ache. I am at almost 5 years now and I can remember the special times/memories without it tearing me apart. Everyone has their own timeline and yours may be different but be encouraged, it does get better. I wish I had something more to offer you such as a sure way out or through… know that we all understand here and we all care! 🤍&🤗

[SharedLife]

On 9/15/2022 at 2:22 PM, Denise Petty said:

I lost my husband/best friend suddenly on May 12th.  Waking up and he was not responding to me was the most scariest moment I ever had to endure in my life.  My kids and I seen what would be the last time we would ever see him alive.  I often wonder did he suffer or felt the pain and I'm beating myself up cause why didn't I turn over sooner, was he trying to wake me and I didn't hear him.  

I experienced your sense of self-blame or doubt.  I went to bed at 11 p.m. with a toothache and woke up at 3:30 a.m. I went to check on her and found her lifeless.  I blamed myself for not being there to do something.  Later, I remembered that the previous week she'd been hospitalized and was on a respirator for 2 days (not covid).  Her doctor and a social worker tried to get her to sign a DNR order.  The day after they took her off the respirator, they sent her home. I think they knew she wasn't going to make it.

But I blamed myself for a long time.

I believe she went peacefully and it sounds like that may have also been the case with your husband.

I"m sorry for your loss, and please don't blame yourself.

[Sally72]

@SharedLife How wonderful for her to go peacefully! I’m sorry for your loss too though! I pray when it is my turn to go I can go to bed one night and wake up in Heaven in Jesus arms… I along to walk over heaven holding his hand and talk everything over since we last saw each other! Maybe it won’t be like that at all as far as heaven but for now it’s my desire 😊 … prayer for your weekend!