Loss my husband

[Darsson]

I lost my husband 8 days ago😭😭😭i am so lost. I am shock and can’t even cry. I don’t know how will i start without him. I have 2 kids💔 it’s so hard. Everyday is getting hard. I miss him so much 

[Brazil Man]

For me it's 4 years since my wife passed. Crying sometimes it's not easy. I was not able to cry at my wife's funeral, only her sister cried deeply and showing tears. But I cryied many times afterwards and I still cry. But I cry specially when I listen to sad songs and remember scenes of our lives. As time passes you you still grieve him, but you will comprehend that's life now has to be without him and will not suffer as much as now. This is the way it happened to me.

[KayC]

I am so sorry! The hardest ting I've ever been through but although you can't see it now, there's some light ahead as you process your grief, with much time.
Keep coming here, it helps to have those that get it and understand.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[BohoKat]

4 hours ago, Darsson said:

I lost my husband 8 days ago😭😭😭i am so lost. I am shock and can’t even cry. I don’t know how will i start without him. I have 2 kids💔 it’s so hard. Everyday is getting hard. I miss him so much 

So sorry for your recent loss. Don’t feel strange you can’t cry. My husband died over a year ago and I have gone in and out of periods of numbness. The last two months I barely cried, which is hard for me because I do find crying gives me some relief and a return to happier memories. I’ve gotten suggestions of looking through snapshots but that did not work for me. I have a playlist of our favorite songs on my music app called “Mark I Miss You” that allows me tears when I can’t fight the numbness anymore. These are suggestions but I hope you find a way to express your grief through crying, activity, prayer, or whatever helps you and brings you comfort. <hugs>

[Roxeanne]

Darsson we know how terrible it is! It's hard and painful and i hope you have family and friends who can help you and your children....

Take good care of you and your little kids...stay strong for them! They have only one parent now and they are grieving too!

I know honey it's so hard, life is so unfair  but you can find a reason to keep on in your precious kids....helping them to not suffer so much can help you too!

 we are here to listen you when you want...we understand, we all lost our loved ones.

Hope you can find some comfort with us

 

[Robert D.]

Darsson....I am very sorry for your immense loss....i lost my wife on August 11, 2022.....I am going through what you are....and these very early days are extremely hard....raw grief...insecurity....every comfort zone destroyed.....it is bewildering sorrow....but I want to tell you....first:  I just prayed to the Lord God for you......also, the people in here know exactly what you are going through....unlike anyone anywhere else...and you will find comfort and help here.....We are all with you...and want you to do well. God bless!!

 

[Darsson]

I feel numb, shock. And can’t express my feelings. It’s all hiding in my heart. I have so many questions that no one can answer. Why him? Why it’s happening to us. I feel so much heartaches but can’t bring it out. I wanna shout, i wanna cry but nothing comes out. It’s so hard in the night & morning comes that i know he is not coming back. So hard to accept. I still can’t accept. It’s so unfair!

[Brazil Man]

6 hours ago, Darsson said:

Why him? Why it’s happening to us

It's not only you. It happened to everybody here and will happen to more couples. It's just a matter of time. Sooner or later we all will be gone. But why some goes too soon no one knows, only God knows. Below is the only text in the Bible about it.

"Good people pass away;
    the godly often die before their time.
    But no one seems to care or wonder why.
No one seems to understand
    that God is protecting them from the evil to come.
2 For those who follow godly paths
    will rest in peace when they die."
Isaiah 57

[DWS]

6 hours ago, Darsson said:

I feel numb, shock. And can’t express my feelings. It’s all hiding in my heart.

Darsson....it is likely shock that you're currently experiencing because this happened just days ago. If it's anything like what I experienced, there's a part of you that feels like you need to stay in a bit of control at this time. It's our damn ego saying something like "we can do this. This is awful but I have two kids and I have to stay strong for them". What has happened is unfair and horrible and you have every right to be weak, sad and broken. Unfortunately, there are no real answers and solutions for you right now other than be gentle and patient with yourself. My heart goes out to you. 

[Darsson]

I really can’t express what i feel. It’s so hard. Very hard. I feel dead but i have to be alive for my 2 kids. My heart is tearing apart. I don’t what else to do. 

[Brazil Man]

16 minutes ago, Darsson said:

I really can’t express what i feel. It’s so hard. Very hard.

Are you spleeping well ? If you can sleep well night can be better than day. You have to allow time to pass.

[Darsson]

17 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Darsson we know how terrible it is! It's hard and painful and i hope you have family and friends who can help you and your children....

Take good care of you and your little kids...stay strong for them! They have only one parent now and they are grieving too!

I know honey it's so hard, life is so unfair  but you can find a reason to keep on in your precious kids....helping them to not suffer so much can help you too!

 we are here to listen you when you want...we understand, we all lost our loved ones.

Hope you can find some comfort with us

 

I really need more comfort 🥺💔

2 minutes ago, Brazil Man said:

Are you spleeping well ? If you can sleep well night can be better then day. You have to allow time to pass.

I don’t know if i am sleeping well, but i know somehow I slept coz i dream of something. I am tired. 

[Brazil Man]

11 minutes ago, Darsson said:

but i know somehow I slept coz i dream of something

That is good. I also had no problem sleeping although I suffered during the day. Some people cannot sleep and it causes the suffering to increase.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Darsson said:

Why him? Why it’s happening to us.

I know there iis no answer but I asked anyway for the first year!  I cried out!  I even went out in the woods and scream at the top of my lungs.  I'm sure I scared off many a bear and cougar.  But no resounding answers.  It seems so unfair!  Because it is.  It's so hard to think we can only "get used to this" when it's what we hate!  But it does dull with time.  I don't think we could handle it if it didn't.

I had a hard time sleeping.  I made it harder on myself refusing the doctor's offer of a sleep aid, thinking it a temporary bandage to a permanent problem (his being gone), but years later I accepted the help and am thankful for it.  I need sleep.

[Robert D.]

KayC.....it always helps me when I hear it dulls with time....or time will help.....I need to know that....and it gives me a lot of hope......grateful.

[Robert D.]

Darsson......It is unbearably hard losing your soulmate...your best friend....and what is happening now to you...which happened to me very recently.....I did not see coming ...oh..I knew about the fact death comes to us all.....but I didn't REALLY know about it...or the aftermath.....there is nothing harder than this.....We are with you....praying for you....and very sorry for what has happened to you and your children. God bless!

[Brazil Man]

20 minutes ago, Robert D. said:

KayC.....it always helps me when I hear it dulls with time....or time will help.....I need to know that....and it gives me a lot of hope......grateful

It's true. Even for me that have had a hard time grieving. It took 4 years but it improved. Some people can find relief in less time as one or two years. Paul McCartney cried for one year after his wife Linda passed.

[Darsson]

Days are passing by. And it’s getting heavier & heavier. So very hard. That you know he is not coming back but you are still hoping. My heart is getting heavy day by day. The day is so struggling for me. But the nights is so shorter. I can’t help it when my kids are sad & saying they miss their dad. Its really breaking my heart coz i feel the same way they feel😩😓💔😭

[Brazil Man]

3 hours ago, Darsson said:

Days are passing by. And it’s getting heavier & heavier. So very hard.

I am really sorry that it is happening. Grief can be overhelming in early stages.

 

3 hours ago, Darsson said:

That you know he is not coming back but you are still hoping.

There will come a time when you will accept that he will not get back in this life anymore. Then you will feel some improvement. You will learn to live without your spouse, this is what happend to me; this is my 4 years grief experience.

[KayC]

Yes, the day comes you no longer listen for their car to drive in or the phone to ring...that is when reality sets in but the good part is, not getting hit with the shock when you wake up or realizing anew they aren't coming back...

[Robert D.]

Darsson....I'm with you...it's just over a month since I lost the most precious person I will ever know....I am thankful to the Lord for the time we did have....but the grief...sadness ....changes to our entire lives.....it is truly unbearable...and, unforseen....I had no idea this life was coming....in one way, glad I didn't know....but now....I can truly say...no one knows what this is unless they are living it....I just woke up...and that is the hardest thing I do everyday....catapulted into another day of twilight zone. Be kind to yourself....one hour at a time....we are with you and praying to the Lord for you and your children. God bless!!

[Darsson]

Sleeping at night is hard. My son can’t sleep coz he misses his dad. I have to be with him & listen to my sad son who is longing for his dad. My heart is really broken. Mornings for me are the hardest. Waking up and a lot of thoughts is already coming in my mind. Waking up that i know i am alone with my kids. And my husband is no longer beside us. So frustrating. He has a lot of plans for us, for our future. He has a lot of things to do. I am always hoping it didn’t happened. It’s so really hard without him😓

[KayC]

I remember my husband didn't even want to talk about retirement (he was barely 51), he had so much to do!  He was so full of life!  (You talk about your husband's plans...that reminded me.)  It IS the hardest thing in the world!  

Yes don't worry about whether you do or don't cry, it's not a measurement of your love...I have a friend who was married over 50 years, her husband died a few years ago, she didn't cry, yet it hurt her that she couldn't, (I led the grief group she was in) I remember telling her not to worry about it, it'll come or it won't.  An interesting take on the subject:
Can't cry

[Lost7]

@darrson I am so sorry for your loss It is still very raw for you. You are no doubt in shock and you will feel waves of grief crashing over you drowning you and the heavy heart is normal. Everything you are feeling is normal I'm afraid. There is no wrong way to grieve. This forum is a wonderful place to come to if you don't feel like posting just read through the post and you will see a lot of yourself in each one of us. I lost my husband eight months ago to COVID-19 he was young and no other health issues we both actually had it I don't know why God decided to take him instead of me. I didn't cry when he passed a month after being in the hospital but a couple of weeks later after he was buried I was sitting alone in my house as I do everyday now and the tears just started coming and they haven't stopped. I will be praying for you and your children.

Virtual hug Lost7

 

[Darsson]

It’s 2 weeks already. Time is so fast. I still can’t imagine. The feeling is getting intense. No good sleep at all. I feel dizzy. Anxiety attack. Omg!! I didn’t know this kind of pain exist. I don’t know what to do. All the feelings are block inside & it’s so frustrating. 🤮💔😩😭😓

[Jemiga70]

@Darsson  I'm so sorry.  The anguish is intense.  I dont remember details when I was at the 2 week point, but I do remember the feelings and the shock, the terrible sleep, no appetite, couldn't think, the anxiety.... It's so much to bear and nobody understands unless theyve been through it.  Try to be kind and patient with yourself.  There is no "right" way to process grief. I wish I could offer you something more helpful.  All I can do is tell you that I've been there.

[KayC]

I remember that as the time we had my husband's funeral...I think my head was in a daze.  I remember someone coming to my home (unbidden) right beforehand, grabbing his hat off a hook, and saying, "I want his hat!!"  I grabbed it away from her and held it to me, and said "That is GEORGE'S!"  She was the rudest SOB I've ever encountered!  Sorry, no other way to put it, and George never liked her (nor did I), she was a GF of a friend of his.. Ugh.

Hang in there, I know I sound like a broken record, but this is all a process.

[Darsson]

7 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

@Darsson  I'm so sorry.  The anguish is intense.  I dont remember details when I was at the 2 week point, but I do remember the feelings and the shock, the terrible sleep, no appetite, couldn't think, the anxiety.... It's so much to bear and nobody understands unless theyve been through it.  Try to be kind and patient with yourself.  There is no "right" way to process grief. I wish I could offer you something more helpful.  All I can do is tell you that I've been there.

When was it? I feel im crazy reading & reading. No one can understand unless they been in the same situation. The pain is so unbearable. What is hard for me is the feeling are just inside me. Stuck just inside me. What did you do? Please share it to me.

[Jemiga70]

@Darsson  My wife passed almost 17 months ago. I'm sorry to hear you are having such a struggle. I wish none of us were in this position.  It's difficult for me to remember those first 2 weeks because I was in shock, I was numb to the core.  I think maybe I told myself to just feel every single thing I'm feeling, and to allow my body and mind and spirit to express itself in whatever way it needed.  So for example I allowed myself to cry, scream, punch pillows, shout, smile (even laugh a little), be confused, walk until my legs hurt, be consumed with hatred and anger, and lots of other emotions too.  I think I just gave myself permission to feel and express whatever came. I didnt judge myself or my feelings. I didnt censor my feelings.  Also -  I didnt put on a brave face for anyone.  When someone asked me how I was doing, I was brutally honest.  Most of the time I said something like  "Its the worst. I am praying I dont wake up tomorrow morning."  Not sure if I answered your question but it's all I got for now.  🙂  You take care,  

[Lost7]

Darsson I am so sorry for your loss, and your intense pain. I am almost 9 months into my hell here on earth. I don't remember much about my 2 weeks other than being in a fog a dream state feeling numb.  No sleep I couldn't talk to anyone and my appetite was gone. Just take deep breaths, if you're able to walk I did that and it seemed to help for a little bit, I constantly prayed. I will be praying for you. 

Virtual hug Lost7 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I didnt put on a brave face for anyone.

I remember singing "It is Well (With My Soul)" as a testament to our beliefs at his funeral.  You see, I knew that although this was the hardest thing in the world, our faith was stronger.  I went the whole gamut of emotions those early years but I know our faith in God carried me.  

That song still chokes me up when we sing it as we did three weeks ago (I'm on the Praise Team that leads morning worship at church).  I remember when George died, being on the Praise Team...I look back and shake my head at that, yet I know some degree of normalcy was needed in my life.  It was hard because he was no longer in the back pew, beaming at me, his beautiful smile!  That was hard.

[DWS]

21 hours ago, Darsson said:

I feel im crazy reading & reading. No one can understand unless they been in the same situation. The pain is so unbearable. What is hard for me is the feeling are just inside me. Stuck just inside me. What did you do? Please share it to me.

It sounds like you're doing what most of us here did or are doing in our grief. The endless reading means that you're trying to find anything to help you process what happened. It's our way of needing to find some peace with this and soothe our very troubled minds. We need comfort. We need help because of how much this f'ing hurts!

What I quickly came to realize is that there is no cure for this sorrow because there is no cure for love. The immense love for your husband is still there but it's figuring out now how to cope with his absence and sadly (and maddening), there's no solution. Probably the most important thing that I heard was "the intensity of your grief is equal to the intensity of your love for your person". That provided the clarity and understanding I needed to carry me through and keep me going. This hurts because of love. There's actually something quite beautiful about that within all of this darkness. Take away my love for my partner and that will take away my grief...but that ain't gonna happen.

Along with all of the reading, one thing that might help bring you some comfort is watching videos on grief posted on Youtube. There are quite a lot if you haven't discovered them yet. I find hearing the sound of another human voice talking about loss and sorrow can help me out of some of my suffering. Here is one on the subject of not being able to cry....

 

 

[Jemiga70]

18 hours ago, KayC said:

I knew that although this was the hardest thing in the world, our faith was stronger.  I went the whole gamut of emotions those early years but I know our faith in God carried me.

I'm glad you mentioned faith, @KayC.  I can relate to this in my own way.  After I replied to @Darsson  I remembered I had forgot to mention spiritual things!  Not only did I cycle through all the emotions but I also talked to my sweetheart every day, in my mind and out loud (I was living alone) and whenever I went walking or biking.  Also I kept open to signs and synchronicities.  I had dream visits, wrote them down.  Essentially I kept the communication open.  I was maintaining the bond without thinking about it I guess. Anyway that helped me tremendously.  But I know each of us has our own spiritual practise, or not.

[Darsson]

My heart is frozen. I feel it. It’s hard. I talked to him to come in my dreams, but it seems nothing. My chest is hard. I cannot even express my emotions & i so fucking hate it. Its more hard. I know he is gone & never will come back but still hoping that he can stop this pain. I am having a hard time. I have so much fears. Don’t know what else to do. Still feeling weak but trying to get up everyday to fix for my kids. I was use to it that my husband was the one fixing for them in the morning. (I worked early before) its hard to move. Very hard. I always want someone here with me, to talk to me even i am sayong the same again & again. I am praying. Seems i can’t connect. Why? Why i have to feel this?😓😩

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Darsson said:

I talked to him to come in my dreams, but it seems nothing.

As Jemiga said, keep the lines open for communication, it may be a year...it may be more.  But be open to it.  Beyond that, I'm not sure iit's something we can dictate.  I have articles that say we can (to a point).  I'll list them.  I myself haven't had luck with forcing it.  However, consider that some of the signs may not be verbaige per sae, but a rainbow, your favorite flower appearing, I even had preying mantis show up on my doorknob!  And Dragonflies on my house.  It's whatever would have spoken to you, something you are both familiar with.  Yesterday a hummingbird...

5 hours ago, Darsson said:

I am praying. Seems i can’t connect.

I felt that for a good year!  And I'd always been an avid pray-er!  Even taught classes in it with several pastors in it!  Yet...nada.  I finally realized, it wasn't that God was absent from me, but rather my grief (grief fog?) like a block in front of me blocking communication.  It passed.  Again, it's a process.

control your dreams? Here's how you can -- ScienceDaily
Signs/messages

 

[Darsson]

I always want to read, read & read. Feeling crazy looking for an answer. I don’t like to be alone. I feel empty. I want someone is always here. I want someone to talk. Why i feel weird. Crazy weird. I am so afraid.

[carina_wang]

Hi, Darsson, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my loved husband just 3 months ago. For the first 2-3 weeks, I really can't accept it. Yes, why? Why has it happened to me? We are kind people and never do bad things and why it is so unfair to us. I just can't accept it. I had one month cough and chest pain because of this. I tried to push myself no to think about him too much to make myself feel better. But there are a lot of moments I think about him and our beautiful memories before. I am afraid of the future too. I have one daughter to raise. I come back to work after 3 weeks of his loss. There is a time that I feel I will be ok without him but recently I feel so lonely, really lonely. But let us be brave and I want to give you a hug. We need to be brave for ourselves, for our children, for our parents and anyone who loves us. The worst thing has happened to us and then good things will come to us. We need to believe in this. Hug, hug, hug.

[Robert D.]

2 hours ago, Darsson said:

. I don’t like to be alone. I feel empty. I want someone is always here. I want someone to talk. Why i feel weird. Crazy weird. I am so afraid.

Darsson.....I feel exactly as you do....I went from having the sweetest person ever talking to me for 23 years to no conversation...from her, or anyone.....it is really hard...grevious to the extreme....it is really hard, beyond hard for a human being to go through this...to endure it. That "weird" you are talking about....I'm there too...our friends/family in here call it the grief fog....  or something like that....I have also called it the twighlight zone...the most surreal, otherworldly experience ever...., that, apparently, will go on to some degree or another from now on. I am afraid too. I am all alone now... everything...I mean everything is being transformed in my life....every second, hour, day,...and everywhere I go...everything in my home has an entirely different feeling to it....and I really can't define it...but I can say it is unbearable. I received a card in the mail inviting me...again...to the grief group at the place my wife is now resting. I took the day off next Monday and am going to go see my beloved JoAnn...and go to that class. It will be very difficult because of where it is. ..but I'm hoping helpful because of where it is. And I want to also say this....when I have tried to change my perspective in recent years it has really helped me....to look at something from another angle can really help sometimes....So, for example,..on being "afraid", which I would venture to say is just about all of us in here,...because of the immense loss and suffering, the lonliness, the doing it all on our own etc..., we all know that we have had something forced on us that is simply not meant for human beings to experience...much less endure....however, ....today, just start with today....let's take control...change our perspective...tell our departed love one's that for today....and for them, the one we love, who want us to do well...be well...who still love us with all their hearts...that we are going to get through this one day....do what we have to do to have victory...to the degree that we can....or are able to...not putting on ourselves anymore than we are ready to....but, in this way, we can begin to use 'perspective' to help us through this immense pain, grief and fear.....Also, and i say first...pray to the Lord....Who will direct our steps if we give them to Him...(Provervs 3:5,6 KJ). Praying for you!

[Robert D.]

 

1 hour ago, carina_wang said:

For the first 2-3 weeks, I really can't accept it. Yes, why? Why has it happened to me? We are kind people and never do bad things and why it is so unfair to us. I just can't accept it. I had one month cough and chest pain because of this.

carina_wang....... I went through this exactly......Why...Why...Why....I went to doctor too and for the first time have some numbers that are not where they should be....not real bad....but from the immense stress I believe....A doctor told me not to become a "casualty" while my wife was in intensive care . ...I'm not sure any of us can escape what happens,  to some degree or another, from what has happened to us in losing our beloved love.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, carina_wang said:

Hi, Darsson, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my loved husband just 3 months ago. For the first 2-3 weeks, I really can't accept it. Yes, why? Why has it happened to me? We are kind people and never do bad things and why it is so unfair to us. I just can't accept it. I had one month cough and chest pain because of this. I tried to push myself no to think about him too much to make myself feel better. But there are a lot of moments I think about him and our beautiful memories before. I am afraid of the future too. I have one daughter to raise. I come back to work after 3 weeks of his loss. There is a time that I feel I will be ok without him but recently I feel so lonely, really lonely. But let us be brave and I want to give you a hug. We need to be brave for ourselves, for our children, for our parents and anyone who loves us. The worst thing has happened to us and then good things will come to us. We need to believe in this. Hug, hug, hug.

Welcome here.  I hope you'll continue to read and post, this is a place where other "get it" and understand some of what you're going through as we've been through it too.

So glad you found us!  And appreciate your positive post.  We all know the loneliness...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Jemiga70]

@Darsson  You are so fresh in this, your loss is so recent, it's no surprise to me that youre feeling crazy and empty and weird.  Ive been there and I'm still there, but maybe a little less raw now.  Please be patient with yourself and be patient with your husband.  All of my research tells me they want to communicate, they want to let us know theyre OK, but it seems it's not so easy for them, or for us to receive when we are so deep in the fog of grief. My wife didnt meet me in my dreams until several months after she passed.  I have not met her in dreams for a long time now.  She might be really busy on the other side now, because her Mom passed 8 wks ago.  Everyone's experience is different.  We all want to hear from them NOW and often, but as KayC said, forcing things doesnt seem to work or make things happen any quicker or more frequently.  This has also been my experience.

[KMkm]

I lost my wife Dec. 6 2021.  5 days before my son's 9th birthday and just after my daughter's 7th.  The pain was so intense and still is at times.  My kids have two counselors and seem to be doing a little better.  I don't sleep well still and had to start taking anti depressants to cope with the horrible lows one feels.  My wife was 36 and had a lot of love for life.  I know that it feels like you can't go on, and that you don't want to.  Just take it slowly and as each minute passes your resiliency will continue to grow.  I miss my wife just as much as I ever did but i have to live this life and take care of our two kids.  Don't give up and don't stop believing in yourself.  It's been almost a year for me and I know I can do this and it hasn't been easy.  One last thing...reach out to anyone and everyone cause suffering alone is even harder.  Stay strong my friend.

[Dawnie J]

Hello, I just lost my husband of 25 years on Sept. 27, and I am devastated. I am working on seeking out grief support groups. I can't get over that fact that I will never see him again. It's horrible. I am so lost. 

[BohoKat]

6 hours ago, Dawnie J said:

I am devastated. I am working on seeking out grief support groups

@Dawnie J Try griefshare.com. In addition to searching groups by your zip code, they also have a daily email, online videos and other resources. Note it is Christian and Bible based, so you may want to skip if not for you. I am in a group right now and they have good info even if I have had to “look past” certain parts I don’t agree with. Peace, BohoKat 

P.S. Forgive me, but I forgot to include my sympathies for your recent loss. I lost my husband after 32 years. You are right, never seeing your loved one again on this earth after being together decades is beyond pain. <hugs>

[Lost7]

Dawniej 

I am truly sorry for your loss. Please know we are here for you. Read post, write how you are feeling.. it helps. I lost my husband to COVID-19 9 mths ago and I am still hurting but as someone on here has said the pain does dull around the edges as time goes by. Lifting you up in prayer.

Lost7 

 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Dawnie J said:

Hello, I just lost my husband of 25 years on Sept. 27, and I am devastated. I am working on seeking out grief support groups. I can't get over that fact that I will never see him again. It's horrible. I am so lost. 

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss...we all know here what that one sentence entails, what it means for you on a grander scale, how truly devastated you are feeling...we feel it with you for we have been or are there.

I do hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post, for it's more than just an outcry, it's how we begin to process our grief, it helps us on our journey to know there are others that "get it" and understand, and will be traversing this path with us.  We figure it out, little by little.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Robert D.]

Dawn

I am so very sorry for your loss.. I will be praying for you going forward daily to our Lord Jesus Christ.. I lost my wife on August 11th after 23 years of the most wonderful marriage you could ever have to my best friend.. selfless and sweet pleasant lady that there has ever been.. and I know very recently the exact thing that you are going through.. it is going to be a cascading scenario of feelings and lost in sorrow daily being very very strong at times, a little less at times, and then being very strong again and then you will have a respite for a little bit.. and then you will look back over several weeks and then a like I am right now , realize just how much that you have gone through and are going through.. I want you to know that the people in here are absolutely wonderful... every one of them knows exactly what you're going through whereas people who have not gone through this have no idea... but the advice that you will receive in here will be very helpful to you and a lot of comfort in here.. it would be very helpful for you to write how you feel...and to read other people's experiences with what we're going through..  anyone will help you in here including me. I want to say to you also.. and I want you to hear me.. you will get through this.. it will be hard... it will be the hardest thing you've ever gone through, no question.. but you will.. you absolutely will get through this and do not give up because you will get through this.. I'm only two months into this and God is helping me to get through this along with my wonderful friends in here ... and you will make it.. I just now got back in my bed after June 26th  ...just2 days ago.. I did not think I would ever be able to do that but.. although my sleep is not very good it is getting a little better and I'm having victories of late.. and a lot of that in large part has to do with the very people that are on this website. God bless you!!! Be strong!!! Reach Out to us and we will reach back to you....

Your friend, 

Robert