The want of a middle ground

[DWS]

Tomorrow, I have a session with my grief counsellor who I want to chat with about this subject but I feel the need to discuss it here. I'm at a point of confusion and agitation with my grief. It's to do with the idea of how to move forward but also, if I want to move forward.

In Megan Devine's book "It's OK That You're Not OK", she talks of finding a middle ground. In trying to continue on in life after such tragic loss, it seems like there's only two options. One is moving forward where much of that requires thinking of a future without our loved one...and much of that would eventually require putting them in the past. I know right now that this is something that I wholeheartedly don't want to do. I just can't do it and because of that, I have no want to attend social gatherings again with a group that I've belonged to for a long time. To just go back there like before has no appeal whatsoever.

The other option is remaining here in my grief with endless tears. There is comfort here in isolation. I do go to dinner at my sister's every week. I get my groceries. I work from home so I'm mostly communicating with customers and suppliers through phone and email. I have been putting some of this unspent love into my small, old house. I'm also a natural homebody type so being somewhat reclusive isn't foreign to me. 

But I like the idea of a third option of moving forward and somehow keeping Tom's presence with me. I'm just not certain how to do that adequately. For example, when I'm at my sister's home, she doesn't ask how I'm doing so there's no acknowledgement of my grief and at this point, it's a thing in her past...and I don't like that. I hate just talking about all other things but I also know not to dwell on the subject of Tom's passing. I know it would be the same thing going out to a group event. Seeing everyone again and having them believe that all is right in my world again..."it's so nice to see you out again and moving on"....I just don't want to give anyone that impression because it's not true!

So what can we see as a middle ground?

 

[Robert D.]

DWS ...I'm only 1 month into this today..as you know....but I do like the third option a lot....of carrying your Tom with you into the future....because, I honestly don't see any other way. I am never going to go forward without my JoAnn....it's not going to happen....I don't even believe it's possible....And herein is where I believe this grief takes us....is currently taking me...we have to accept where our beloved is in our lives... i.e., always with us....wanting the very best for us...not mad at us or angry if we need to do things that otherwise we would not do with them here....that they know we are living in a situation that we do not want....would never accept if we had the choice....but have no choice in now. So....for me, we go on 'with' our beloved with us.....but knowing that 'they' know...and accept entirely, just as we would if we were the ones that had to leave....the decisions and things we have to do to exist and survive where we are now.....just as we allow wholeheartedly for them in their existence now.....It truly is working both ways....our love for them and their love for us.....allowing for what we both must and have to do where we are.....I am only a month out....as you know, ...but I will always take my JoAnn with me...love her...care for her forever...., and doing that, loving her means... gladly allow her to do what she needs to do....and she, without any doubt whatsoever, is allowing...wanting...that for me. The third way is the right way....our true love is always being given to each other this way.....God bless!! Virtual hugs!!

RobertD

[Lost7]

Dws and Robert 

I don't believe that there would be a choice to leave our soulmates in the past as they were part of our whole hearts! In my grief share class it was told that grief would never go away but it would become something that you would learn to live with and that meant to me that My husband would stay a very vital part of my life. However, I agree with Robert and saying that I know without a doubt he would not want me to be miserable in this world he would want me to live and be happy so somehow someway I will have to learn how to do that even though it's not easy. I put my faith in God and I will be lifting you both up.

Virtual hug

Lost7 

 

[foreverhis]

I wholeheartedly believe that we do not and often cannot leave our partners "in the past."  ETA: Also, we should not be expected to leave our partners in the past, as if our life together is a door we should shut and never open again. It may be more “comfortable” for others to think that way because then they figure they don’t have to acknowledge or admit mortality and the grief that comes with losing our soulmates, but that’s not the truth. The truth is that they are with us until the day we die. And if we’re very lucky, when it’s our time, we will be united with them forever.

Yes, their physical presence is now the past, but they are here with us in our hearts, our memories, and much of what has made us who we are today.  I'd be a very different woman if I hadn't met and married the love of my life John.  I'm pretty sure my life would have been "fine" or maybe even "good," but it wouldn't have been as full or rich or, well, so many things.  I'm imperfect and always will be (of course), but I'm a better person and better woman, friend, mom, sister, and human being than I would have been.  At least, that's how I see it.

And so John comes with me as I journey forward into a different life.  It's lesser in many ways, but over 4 years, I've learned how to find a path that lets me live with some happiness, a smaller happiness to be sure, but it's there nonetheless.  It's because of John that I have been able to do it.  The unbearable weight of my early grief slowly, so slowly, lightened as I learned how to carry it with me so that I am no longer completely crushed by it every day.

John is with me in my relationships with family and friends, new and old.  He is present in our conversation, in telling stories, and, for family and nearly life-long friends, in the memories that bind us to him.  He will always be with me in spirit.  When it's my time, I hope so much and have faith that he and our two most special animal companions will be waiting for me with loving hearts and open arms (and paws).

This is entirely my opinion, of course, but I think it's detrimental to think of "moving on from" or "putting behind us" our most precious soulmates.  I move forward, bit by bit, buoyed by John's love and 37 years of memories.

Edited September 12, 2022 by foreverhis
Forgot to include an important belief and my faith that goes with it

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Robert D. said:

I do like the third option a lot....of carrying your Tom with you into the future.

Absoluely!.  We don't need others on board with  us to do that either.  Often it's done alone.

[Dragonfly999]

I completely agree. I am so sick and tired of being told I need to “let him go” and move forward, and not talk about him anymore because that means I’m “not healing.” He is forever my husband. He forever has my steadfast love.

I was in a slightly “okay” place one morning because I had a particularly vivid and loving dream of him, and when I expressed this to a friend, instead of feeling happy for me that I had a tiny bit of comfort, she expressed how she thought wanting to dream of him was detrimental and I need to just let him go already. Btw, it’s only been 5 months! And she gets to go home to her husband and children. 

If a woman loses her child, (most) people wouldn’t expect her to quit feeling like a mother. They wouldn’t strip her of the title of being a mother to that child, or force her to pretend the child never existed, because that child is always hers. If you lose a parent, you don’t suddenly have to forget them and pretend you never had a mom or dad. So why the hell, when you lose a spouse who was the love of your life and your soulmate, do people expect you to box them up and put them away and not talk about them anymore, to pretend like they never existed?!

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Dragonfly999 said:

And she gets to go home to her husband and children. 

I think I'd tell her, "easy for you to say when you get to go home to yours." This gets old real fast.

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, Dragonfly999 said:

And she gets to go home to her husband and children. 

Dragonfly when it's happen to them they completely change their pont of view...

One of my friend that said to me to let him go, to forget the past and look to the future...and at the time after few months after my loss i was frightened of what she said to me..as if it were possible cancel a whole life and HIM!!!

Now her husband is not dead, but he is very ill...alzheimer, he is in a hospice...and even if they have never been very close, she is in grief and said to me: " you can't understand if you don't live it on your skin"

Ah!..

i took it as if she wants to apologize for what she had been able to tell me...!

[KayC]

4 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

 

i took it as if she wants to apologize for what she had been able to tell me...!

Possibly, it's too bad it took that...

[Robert D.]

Dragonfly999 ....I am with you hundred percent ...I'm 1 month and 1 day out and I can tell you this....10 years and 1 day out I will be talking about, loving, still kissing my wife's robe when I walk by it....kissing her face on her pictures in my house, telling her i love her........My love for my beloved JoAnn is never going to end....ever! 

[DWS]

I had my counselling session this afternoon. It was timely because I'd been struggling the past two days trying to decide whether to attend a small social event that I used to be an integral part of. The event is a Sunday brunch fundraiser for the group I belong to. It's happening in three weeks and will be the first one in almost three years after covid cancelled everything these past two years. 

I had already made up my mind that I wasn't going to go. It's a fun and informal gathering but just the thought of being there without Tom upsets me. My grief counselor talked me through it. She wondered if I could see myself going for even a few minutes. Part way through my response, I started to break down. There haven't been tears during my last couple of sessions so she saw that as a clear sign that going to the brunch might be too soon for me.

I was falling apart a few times today and realized that things are still too raw. Not sure if reaching a "middle ground" will be happening any time soon. I can't believe how exhausted I feel after today. 

[KayC]

And the good thing is, yu don't have to!  Honor yourself and your grief...until you're ready.  There's a time to gently push through and a time to honor your pain.

[Robert D.]

Kay C....DWS.....I agree ...with what we have all lost....someone, and all they mean to us, ....that one who will never be replaced;....not possible to be replaced....All we can do going forward is what ever we decide we can do....the loss is so great....We can still tell our beloved how much we will always love them....and know they will always love us..... but them not being here is truly devastating...and we can only do what we can do.....and that, to me, is from now on. Hope you don't pressure yourself DWS....Do what you want to do and feel very good about it. We are with you!

[Jemiga70]

The old school way of grief therapy was to encourage the griever to "forget" about their loved one and just get on with life. As if!  What genius thought that approach could work?  No wonder traditional grief counseling was useless at best and harmful at worst. Then came the Continuing Bonds approach which makes way more sense because it's what ppl actually tend to do.  Not sure if old school grief therapy is still practised.  Both my counselors in the last 16 mths have respected my continuing bonds w my wife.  I talk to my wife out loud and in my head every day, multiple times a day, sometimes every hour, depending on how I'm doing. I cannot see the bond ever diminishing, not that I'd want it to. At the same time, I dont wanna live in the excruciating pain of this grief for the rest of my life.  I miss physical intimacy but I want it only with my wife.  I miss so many damn things.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

The old school way of grief therapy was to encourage the griever to "forget" about their loved one and just get on with life. As if! 

Their recommendations are kind of like diabetic recommendations, the opposite of what works and extremely unhelpful!

[DWS]

On 9/14/2022 at 3:49 AM, Jemiga70 said:

The old school way of grief therapy was to encourage the griever to "forget" about their loved one and just get on with life. As if!  What genius thought that approach could work?  No wonder traditional grief counseling was useless at best and harmful at worst. Then came the Continuing Bonds approach which makes way more sense because it's what ppl actually tend to do.  Not sure if old school grief therapy is still practised.  Both my counselors in the last 16 mths have respected my continuing bonds w my wife.  I talk to my wife out loud and in my head every day, multiple times a day, sometimes every hour, depending on how I'm doing. I cannot see the bond ever diminishing, not that I'd want it to. At the same time, I dont wanna live in the excruciating pain of this grief for the rest of my life.  I miss physical intimacy but I want it only with my wife.  I miss so many damn things.

It was Freud, back in the 1920s, who had the theory that grief work involved the breaking of ties with the deceased, adjusting to the "new normal" and build new relationships. As naive as that old theory sounds, I'm pretty sure that's what a majority of today's society still thinks happens...that is, those who have never experienced the significant loss of a loved one. 

Even with the idea of searching for that "middle ground", here it is seven months after I started this topic and I still can't envision what that middle ground would be for me. I see this tying in with the idea of carrying grief or maybe the equivalent of it. I think that'll be a sweet destination to get to. Not sure how I'll know when I arrive. 

[RichS]

On 9/11/2022 at 2:07 PM, Robert D. said:

I am only a month out....as you know, ...but I will always take my JoAnn with me...love her...care for her forever.

For a someone who's only a month into grieving, I'd say your miles ahead of many of us who were only a month into it. Keep up the positive attitude!

 

On 3/26/2023 at 9:36 AM, DWS said:

It was Freud, back in the 1920s, who had the theory that grief work involved the breaking of ties with the deceased, adjusting to the "new normal" and build new relationships. As naive as that old theory sounds, I'm pretty sure that's what a majority of today's society still thinks happens...that is, those who have never experienced the significant loss of a loved one. 

 

On 3/26/2023 at 9:36 AM, DWS said:

It was Freud, back in the 1920s, who had the theory that grief work involved the breaking of ties with the deceased, adjusting to the "new normal" and build new relationships. As naive as that old theory sounds, I'm pretty sure that's what a majority of today's society still thinks happens...that is, those who have never experienced the significant loss of a loved one.

I know that since Chris passed away 7 months ago, I have personally told some friends and family (who've had losses before me), NOW i FEEL YOUR PAIN!!

On 9/11/2022 at 2:07 PM, Robert D. said:

I am only a month out....as you know, ...but I will always take my JoAnn with me...love her...care for her forever...., and doing that, loving her means... gladly allow her to do what she needs to do....and she, without any doubt whatsoever, is allowing...wanting...that for me. The third way is the right way....our true love is always being given to each other this way..

Robert: What a wonderful attitude you have for someone only a month into grieving! I'm trying to get where you are, but I guess we all grieve at our own pace,

[KayC]

22 hours ago, LostThomas said:

But the loss certainly has told me a LOT about 'loss'. 

Loss has taught me what's important and what isn't. Sometimes before loss we sweat the small stuff, afterwards, no.  We know what's important and what isn't.  What's big and what is not.

 

On 9/12/2022 at 1:54 PM, Dragonfly999 said:

If a woman loses her child, (most) people wouldn’t expect her to quit feeling like a mother. They wouldn’t strip her of the title of being a mother to that child, or force her to pretend the child never existed, because that child is always hers. If you lose a parent, you don’t suddenly have to forget them and pretend you never had a mom or dad. So why the hell, when you lose a spouse who was the love of your life and your soulmate, do people expect you to box them up and put them away and not talk about them anymore, to pretend like they never existed?!

Exactly!!

[LMR]

On 9/12/2022 at 9:54 PM, Dragonfly999 said:

If you lose a parent, you don’t suddenly have to forget them and pretend you never had a mom or dad. So why the hell, when you lose a spouse who was the love of your life and your soulmate, do people expect you to box them up and put them away and not talk about them anymore, to pretend like they never existed?!

I missed this when it was first posted but this is so true and I am going to use it when I get the chance. I'm tired of the assumption that into my third year I am over it and we don't need to talk about him anymore. I can't remember the last time anybody said his name. Not talking about him actually makes it worse for me. It starts to feel like I dreamt it all.

[KayC]

Yes, I'd never thought of this analogy, but it is so true!  I wonder why they treat loss of spouse so differently than they do other familial losses?!

[DWS]

19 hours ago, LMR said:

I'm tired of the assumption that into my third year I am over it and we don't need to talk about him anymore. I can't remember the last time anybody said his name. Not talking about him actually makes it worse for me. It starts to feel like I dreamt it all.

All of this is so complex and because of that, I think it's what intensifies our grief. Do friends and family wonder how we're getting along without our person but find it too awkward and uncomfortable to ask? Do they wonder how lonely we are...or how we get through our quiet, alone times? Do they give any thought at all to us having to make and eat dinners alone every day? Do they now just look at us as a single person or as a person who doesn't have their partner or spouse anymore because there's a big difference there. I can understand the hesitancy of asking us how we're coping without our partners and spouses and the risk of us getting upset but on the other hand, it's upsetting not having our loss acknowledged anymore. This is crazy town!!

[DWS]

7 hours ago, DWS said:

Do they now just look at us as a single person or as a person who doesn't have their partner or spouse anymore because there's a big difference there. 

It's rather bizarre to quote oneself but after thinking about what I wrote, I'm starting to see the importance of this to my grief over these last couple of months.  Despite my disliking of being on my own again,  I'm realizing that I don't regard myself as a single person. Tom stays firmly within my heart so in essence, I'm still coupled. My heart feels taken which is an interesting place to be and understand. It's a feeling that I've needed to return because time had its way of pulling him away from me. What this means later on down the road, I don't know but hopefully it's part of finding the comfort of a middle ground and carrying grief. 

[RichS]

11 minutes ago, DWS said:

Despite my disliking of being on my own again,  I'm realizing that I don't regard myself as a single person.

Nor do I. When I have to fill out any forms and it asks for "Marital Status", I always put down "Widower"

[AJ4]

I'm not taking my ring off either.  Most days I also wear a necklace that he gave me.  Both have special meaning and they always will.   I think whether we still wear them or not they have meaning.  But I'm wearing mine.   Plus I got several tattoos over the course of our relationship, so those are permanent.   

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Gator M said:

I read to move forward we need to take our rings off...not me. 

Nonsense!  Uninformed, superficial nonsense from people who don't have a clue.

I wear my wedding ring and intend to wear it until the day I die.  I wear John's on a chain along with a special gold pendant he bought for me once just because I admired it in a store window.  I didn't often ask for jewelry.  Him sneaking back to buy the little pendant spoke volumes about our love.  This year, I may have his ring altered into a pendant (it can't be resized for me because of the Black Hills Gold overlay).  I've talked to a local jeweler who had a couple of good suggestions of a way to incorporate both his ring and the pendant into one.

I check "widow" when it's on a legal/medical form.  If it's not, I write it in.  I'm not going to check "single."

[Shinka]

6 hours ago, Gator M said:

And I'm widowed NOT single

I'm married to a man who happens to not be in his body anymore, so eat that all you grief councelors and psychiatrists. 

[Shinka]

Btw, this was not addressed to you or anyone here Gator, I just quoted you  to make a statement. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Gator M said:

When you lose a deep love like a partner or a spouse...you may get THROUGH grief but you never get OVER it. 

Exactly.  You live with it, but are never "over it."  It's been nearly two months since Iris lost Mike...she did so well at first, probably in shock, brave, tackling things, but now...now it's different. People have gone home and she's alone to hear the walls echo the silence of her loss.  She's trying to get a friend to come stay with her, I hope it works out well for her.  

14 hours ago, DWS said:

I'm realizing that I don't regard myself as a single person.

I don't either. I guess after this long you'd think I would, how many times I've had to check single on the tax form, and I know I have no one to help me should I have an event, but neither am I out looking for someone or hoping to fill my life with another partner.  My person is on the other side of heaven's walls and I will see him again...see my signature:  We WILL meet again! ...my Soulmate, my best friend, thru all time