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A Really Hard Weekend... But A Bright Moment


Don-Tony

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This Labor Day was rough.

Not due to my own grief but due to the suffering ive been enduring. Its been 3 years since my little brother passed. For most of that I have relied heavily on my spouse for support. This weekend she reached a breaking point. In the past she has said that my grief is taking too long. We all know that it takes however long it takes. And to be honest shes never lost someone that didn't make some semblance of sense. So I don't blame her, she has no idea. This weekend she left with the kids to go stay with her mother. I was furious at first but as it turned out I was also needed at home. My little sister who was the middle child of my family has not really dated since a devastating break with a fiance up almost 15 years ago. As a result she has poured all of her love into a little Boston Terrier. This weekend that little dog's time came. My sister needed me here with her and I was able to be there and for a little while I felt like someone close to the old me. Several family members came to my sister's side. All related to my little brother including his ex wife/ widow (they never got divorced but were on that road). As we sat there waiting on the mobile vet to come and put her to sleep we talked about memories, people, our childhood. It was a huge pressure relief for my grief. A ew family members asked where my family was and i deflected the question until lunch. When I told them what she had said about grief their jaw hit the floor. It sounds messed up but again my wife has no idea and she didnt get to know my little brother because i kept him at arms length because of his drinking.

She came home monday night and weve talked a lot of things to death. The way she describes her feeling is grief fatigue. My first thought, Really, Same Here. Im Sick Of Feeling This Way Too. But in thinking about it, we are both tired of grief death gripping me, The difference is I dont have a choice. I loved him, She knew of him. I have a life time of memories, she has a few introductions and meals. I had future plans with him, she thought he was nice. But theres something else im seeing. She is beginning to grieve herself. Her parents are not doing well. Her mother had cancer, pushed it into remission and its back. Her sister is moving across the country and her parents are contemplating moving into an RV and travelling as much as they can. My step daughter is 15 and wanting to get as far away from home as possible when she sets out on her own. Weve spent three years in a custody battle over my stepson. When he isnt home she wont even go near his room. My wife is grieving and doesnt even know thats what shes doing or that its coming.

What i'm starting to think about is that maybe part of finding my new me requires those i love that have left me alone to heal need to start needing me again. I want to feel needed and not broken. Maybe I need them to start treating me like im not while letting me have a moment here and  there to let out some of the pain.  

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On 9/7/2022 at 10:22 AM, Don-Tony said:

What i'm starting to think about is that maybe part of finding my new me requires those i love that have left me alone to heal need to start needing me again. I want to feel needed and not broken. Maybe I need them to start treating me like im not while letting me have a moment here and  there to let out some of the pain.  

Hello, Don-Tony.

For me, "the suffering that I've been enduring" is ALSO an inextricable part of "my own grief". But, nevertheless, I do also get that our grief / sadness / sense of loss, and such, can be assigned to different 'levels' or 'categories' of our experience of life, so I do get that, also.

For me...is it that I want to feel needed, or is it that I more want to feel that  I *belong* somewhere? That I am loved and important and special to people, and they'd miss me, if I wasn't there? (This may feel the same as being needed...but...is it really, actually the same as?) Is it possible that THEY NEVER SAW ME AS "broken" -- that is/was only how I felt about myself -- but; so, now I'm looking for something from them that they never had in their mind, in the first place?

And, if this is a potential, then is it not up to me, to fix it? To tell them that I now feel that I can now start to help them again, and support them again? Is it not up to you and to me, to start working on helping our own self to feel as if it belongs, and is useful, and can help the next person with whatever they're struggling through, and enduring, and suffering?  (If this makes any sense, Don-Tony?)     Love and hugs,   Ronni

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Valerie Lockhart

Dear Don-Tony,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. I've found that grieving doesn't get easier with time. It only helps you to get better with disguising the pain. It's been five years, and I still think and mourn the loss of my mother. Be assured that grief is not a sign of weakness. It indicates how much your loved one meant to you. Remember, while the void you feel in your heart may not disappear, life is still worth living. With God’s tender help, you can still enjoy warm friendships and a purposeful life. And soon God will resurrect the dead (Revelation 21:3,4). He wants you to be able to embrace your loved one again. Then that pain in your heart will be healed forever!

 

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Thank you both for the kind words. Sometimes it’s hard for me to articulate everything that is in my head. I miss my brother every day and it will always hurt because I love him. What I am starting to see is that my family also needs and loves me. Since he died I haven’t felt like much. And that showing up is all I could muster the strength for. I have felt pretty useless and I’ve been in a very dark place. This past weekend showed me that I do have a place, people who want and need me around. Will I ever be the same, no. But I’m starting to feel ok with that. Starting to feel that the person I am becoming still has a home and a family. And I want to be there. To be part of it all. It’s been a while but I’m feeling some hope. 

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