Members Popular Post Brazil Man Posted September 7, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted September 7, 2022 I and my wife were in the ambulance going to the hospital. I knew her cancer was terminal and didn't know how many time she had. So I told her "let's say goodbye". But she didn't understand it and told me "why saying goodbye ? are you going away ? ". Some days later she passed away without saying goodbye. Has anybody here had the chance of saying goodbye or had not the chance as in my case? 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted September 7, 2022 Members Report Share Posted September 7, 2022 Brazil Man, I was so determined that my husband was going to recover, that I wouldn't even consider saying goodbye. By the time I finally accepted he was not going to recover he was not able to communicate. I said goodbye and our sons said goodbye to him, but he never had the chance to say goodbye. I don't know how much he was able to hear or understand our goodbyes, as he was on a lot of pain medication at that point, on a ventilator, etc. I have so many regrets about how I handled his final 25 days. What I put him through, because I was so desperate for him to live. Tears are flowing now. I wish that things had been different. But I do know he loved me and our boys with all his heart. He knew we loved him. For me, that is enough. Gail 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lost7 Posted September 7, 2022 Members Report Share Posted September 7, 2022 Gail Your story is so similar to mine. My husband was diagnosed with COVID on December 6 2021 put on a ventilator December 19 he died January 5th 2022. One of my son's and I were allowed to go see him because he had only a couple hours to live without the ventilator and the words goodbye never came out of my mouth...a lot of I'm here and I love you and even sang you are my sunshine. I always had faith God was going to heal him so until he drew his last breath I never said goodbye. I know he knew we loved him so I don't regret saying goodbye I plan to see him again one day. The pain and loneliness is really hard but we must keep going. Lost7 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted September 7, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted September 7, 2022 On 9/7/2022 at 7:41 AM, Gail 8588 said: I have so many regrets about how I handled his final 25 days. What I put him through, because I was so desperate for him to live. Tears are flowing now. I wish that things had been different. Ditto. I wish I had asked, "Love, do you want to go home?" sooner. I wish I had not been so unable to believe he wouldn't make it through his cancer, even though by then we knew full well it had unexpectedly spread to his bones. I was unable to envision a life without him and he didn't want to leave us. What a pair we were! So I should have made different decisions because I was not the one on heavy medications, in pain, needing transfusions, etc. On 9/7/2022 at 7:41 AM, Gail 8588 said: I was so determined that my husband was going to recover, that I wouldn't even consider saying goodbye. By the time I finally accepted he was not going to recover he was not able to communicate No, John and I didn't actually say "goodbye," but there was a moment that last day while he was still somewhat coherent and cognizant when we knew or maybe, when I knew and he had for known for days. Once they settled us in the big private room with the beautiful view, I knew he was not going home on hospice that morning; he was not going to come home ever. He had been on comfort care for a few days by then, so I think that at some point he felt a shift in both his body and his mind and knowing that this was it. Throughout his journey, I'd say, "Please don't leave me, love." He'd say, "I don't plan to" and later "I don't want to" and finally, "I'm sorry." I reminded him that he had nothing to be sorry for, that I was the one who should be sorry for not being better, doing more, fighting harder for him, and on and on. So that day, I told him again that I was sorry I had failed him, that I hadn't been good enough or quick enough or...something enough, but it wasn't because I didn't love him enough. I think he heard me at the end when I said, "I love you" for the millionth time (or so it seemed) and told him that it was okay, that it was time for him to go find Charlie and Penny (my soul dog and his soul cat). I don't recall exactly when he turned toward me for the last time or when he closed his eyes and never opened them again. It seemed to me that from that moment on, everything slowed further. (And yep, there go the tears again.) The weirdest things remain strong memories for me. I used a streaming app on my tablet to play his and our favorite music all day. The nurses (who were wonderful) had put on a soothing music channel from the hospital's options. That was very lovely of them. I asked if I could just play music for him instead, which of course I could. The first thing I put on was the orchestral "West Side Story" dance suite. So we went from peaceful calm to low brass filling the room. He was a trombone player and conductor and that was one of his favorite pieces. I found versions of so many of his/our favorites, including standard renditions of pretty much every piece played at our wedding by friends using arrangements John had done. The very last song I played for him was "In the Still of the Night" by Cole Porter, the DeLovely version where Cole has just died and is seated at the piano. We see the camera pan away and back, and there is Cole young and healthy again as his wife Linda, also restored to youth and health, walks up behind him and sings with him as a duet. John took his last breath as the last notes faded away and I thought to myself (I don't know, maybe said out loud), "Of course, a musician to the end" because we don't leave musical phrases/pieces unfinished. It's poor form. Toward the end, I found myself looking away from time to time, as if, if I didn't see him take his last breath, then it couldn't have happened. Schrodinger's got nothing on me! It's so strange the things that go through my mind, even now. I guess those things were our goodbyes. It's damn hard and always will be, I think. I wonder if an actual final "goodbye" helps. I imagine it must for many people. For me, our goodbye was in our own way, in our own language, I guess. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted September 7, 2022 Members Report Share Posted September 7, 2022 I never really had a chance. They put her in palliative care and she was okay. The next 2 days she was asleep ( more likely knocked out with morphine to be chemically babysat). The last day she was still asleep but I did ask her if she was okay and if she wanted water. She nodded yes to both requests and that's the last communication I had with her. The next morning they called me that she had passed away. Right down to the last minute I was hoping for a miracle but it did not come. Before she went into a slide I did tell her that I love her and she replied that she loved me. I even managed to record it on my phone because I knew she was getting worse. I keep playing these thoughts about her over and over in my head and I still don't know how she went so fast. Damn chemotherapy kills more people then it saves. People are like guinea pigs that they experiment on not knowing what they're even doing. Sorry for the rant. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 7, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted September 7, 2022 9 hours ago, Brazil Man said: Have anybody here had the chance of saying good bye or had not the chance as in my case? No, we didn't get to say goodbye, I felt robbed of that by the medical personnel that through me off the ward and locked tthe door behind them. 10 minutes ago, Sparky1 said: Damn chemotherapy kills more people then it saves. Oh man do I get that....having watched my friend Iris go through that this year for several months, it literally kills you bit by bit. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted September 8, 2022 Members Report Share Posted September 8, 2022 @foreverhis I brought my husband's favorite music to him at the hospital and a compact jawbone wireless speaker that I could put right on his bed, so he could enjoy his music without us disturbing others. Little Feat, Grateful Dead, Chris Smithers, Norah Jones, Emmylou Harris, Jesse Winchester, John Hiatt, Slaid Cleaves, J.J. Cale dozens of others along with recordings of his band. Every time our musical son came to the hospital, he had his guitar with him and would play softly to his dad. They shared a love for the same kind of music. On his final day, we waited for our older son to arrive at the hospital from out of state before the doctors disconnected life support. Our younger son played guitar and sang softly to his dad for hours, waiting for his brother to arrive. It was a long goodbye. Gail 1 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ronni_W Posted September 19, 2022 Members Report Share Posted September 19, 2022 On 9/7/2022 at 10:02 AM, Brazil Man said: I and my wife were in the ambulance going to the hospital. I knew her cancer was terminal and didn't know how many time she had. So I told her "let's say goodbye". But she didn't understand it and told me "why saying goodbye ? are you going away ? ". Some days later she passed away without saying goodbye. Has anybody here had the chance of saying goodbye or had not the chance as in my case? Brazil Man, For me, something similar but not at all the same, either. In my own situation, I think that the both of us (my husband and I) just had decided to be "stoic" and "put on a brave front" for the other. If that was part of your wife's nature and personality, then she DID say goodbye to you...but...by not actually saying goodbye. (If this makes any sense at all?) For us, it was like pretending that everything was fine, and nothing to worry about. I have, (inevitably?), beat-up on myself about how I did my part of it. But, when I put myself in his shoes and how he did it (how your wife did it), of course they were gonna do and say whatever they thought would make us NOT worry or panic or get anxious. That was them loving us, and being kind and compassionate to us, for us, about us. Problem for us -- the ones who are left behind -- if we don't think it all the way through then it ends up being 'not enough'. They DID say goodbye to us, Brazil Man! Only...not in the way that we now wish we would have been able to have the chance to say goodbye. (It's only with hindsight, and self-judgment, and self-recrimination, that it was "not enough".) For me? I do try to find comfort in that he was stoic because he loved me and didn't want me to panic and be any more traumatized than he already knew I already was, in those horrific last hours and minutes. For me. 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BohoKat Posted September 20, 2022 Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2022 On 9/7/2022 at 9:02 AM, Brazil Man said: I and my wife were in the ambulance going to the hospital. I knew her cancer was terminal and didn't know how many time she had. So I told her "let's say goodbye". But she didn't understand it and told me "why saying goodbye ? are you going away ? ". Some days later she passed away without saying goodbye. Has anybody here had the chance of saying goodbye or had not the chance as in my case? My husband had immunotherapy for liver cancer for a year and we were led to believe he would recover. After the last positive test and he lost the ability to walk it was time for the rehab hospital. He lasted about 10 days in there then told me he was ready for home hospice. I was furious because I was still in the mindset that he was going to get better, but he knew his time was near and had made his peace with it. We talked and cried and prayed that day. We never actually said goodbye, but when I laid my head on his chest I knew I had to let him do it his way and let him go. When we got hospice set up, he was incoherent and passed within the week. I am so grateful we had the time together while he was still himself. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 20, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted September 20, 2022 In my situation, we never got to say goodbye, that was thrust on us, and it was far too violent for him to have been able to anyway. I think he was coming to terms with his mortality that last weekend and it was his choice to NOT have me there...until it wasn't, then he wanted me there right then! But the hospital itself took away that "right." I was there, but unable to be in his room, in his ward. 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Brazil Man Posted September 20, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2022 14 hours ago, Ronni_W said: If that was part of your wife's nature and personality, then she DID say goodbye to you...but...by not actually saying goodbye. (If this makes any sense at all?) For us, it was like pretending that everything was fine, and nothing to worry about. I have, (inevitably?), beat-up on myself about how I did my part of it. But, when I put myself in his shoes and how he did it (how your wife did it), of course they were gonna do and say whatever they thought would make us NOT worry or panic or get anxious. That was them loving us, and being kind and compassionate to us, for us, about us. Thank you Ronni_w. I think it is a possibility. I am sorry you beat-up yourself. try to calm your soul and to be in peace. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Brazil Man Posted September 20, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2022 3 hours ago, KayC said: I think he was coming to terms with his mortality that last weekend and it was his choice to NOT have me there. It happened to me too. In her last week of life I was not able to see her in hospital, because I was not mentally well after more than 1 year of antecipated grief. I only saw her again in her funeral because I was taken there by my brother. 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ronni_W Posted October 1, 2022 Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2022 On 9/20/2022 at 8:29 AM, Brazil Man said: It happened to me too. In her last week of life I was not able to see her in hospital, because I was not mentally well after more than 1 year of antecipated grief. I only saw her again in her funeral because I was taken there by my brother. Brazil Man, you doing okay? Love and hugs, Ronni 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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