Is my partner making my grief worse?

[rtron]

Hi everyone,

Last December my mother passed away from a pulmonary blood clot. It was sudden and happened two days before we were meant to fly to America to see family. Needless to say it came as a real shock and the experience was really traumatic (the police had to knock down the door and found her while I was racing over in the car an hour a way).

I'm posting here because like many of you here, I feel deeply alone. I have a partner with whom i share a house, but my sibling has his own family and lives in the States and my father (whom we had a difficult relationship with, passed three years ago). My partner is the closest thing to family I have here, and yet in a way I feel more lonely with him because of the way he acts sometimes. To be honest there have been questions marks about our relationship, but when Mum died he was there for me (including when we found her). However it seems that it wasn't long before he started to show frustration/impatience. It's not that he is not sympathetic or if I cry he doesn't try to comfort me, but he gives me a sense that I should be moving on quicker or that if he catches me crying that somehow I've gone "backwards". He's not said this explicitly, although he has mentioned several times to me that I need to focus on moving forward. For context we've been under lots of stress with him starting a new business and doing up our house, so he has been under pressure, but I think he fails to understand the pressure and stress I'm under that might not be as tangible as his but is very much there. We fought a lot during the last six months because of all this, him complaining that I don't pull my weight enough etc even though I have been doing whatever I can - gardening painting etc but it seems like he forgets what's happened to me. One time, after I came back from visiting my mum's house for the first time since her death ( by myself - he offered to come with me but I knew he was insanely busy and tbh I didn't want him stressed out) I was understandably deeply upset and it all came out at home. I was crying a lot and trying to recall a story about the last time i saw mum and some weird coincidences etc and he interrupted me loudly and was like "you need to stop doing this to yourself!" . I think he thought i was torturing myself by replaying our last encounter and how I felt in the house but really i was just trying to tell him how i felt and open up. I got mad at him for the way he interrupted me as he didn't seem to understand and  was more concerned about him feeling uncomfortable with how upset I am vs, me letting out my pain after a traumatic event. He retaliated by saying "It just seems you want to just cry about it rather than move forward." This really upset me and ever since I feel like i cant really open up to him anymore or trust him with my pain. Since this. he has on a recent holiday opened up and said he wishes he could have handled my mum's death better, but I still feel hurt by everything and alone.

It's worth noting he has his entire family and I've lost both parents in the three years of our relationship so I know he is not going to really understand and couldn't, but his level of empathy worries me - it's not that he's not capable of being kind etc it's more a maturity thing and perhaps he's more selfish than he realises. I know it can't be easy to be a partner to someone who has suffered loss, but being completely honest I have even surprised myself with how I have dealt with it, there is no right way of course, but I guess I mean that our lives haven't been upended in the way I expected (in fact my previous spell of depression during the pandemic was probably worse in terms of affecting him) and even though internally I suffer, to my partner I still do all the things, have fun with him, talk about normal stuff, do our routines etc.

Now that the house stuff is complete things are a lot calmer and he keeps saying that that was the reason for all our tension and arguments, but I'm worried. Stress is not going to go away and there are going to be more bad things that will inevitably happen. I feel like the worst thing has happened to me and he still didn't quite give me a break from criticism etc  - should i be worried that this man is not the one for me? Is this behaviour understandable and am i ever going to heal being with someone I have to worry about like this?

Any advice or similar situations would be most appreciated. 

R

 

[Wandering Soul]

Hello, rtron. 

I'm glad you're here.  I'm sorry for both the loss of your mother and father.  I guess I want to start my reply by telling you that there is no timeline for grief; everyone is different.  I lost my mother and two years later my father.  Just as your mother's passing was traumatic, so was my father's.  It has taken me YEARS to be able to talk about his passing without crying.  When my parents passed, my partner also made comments like "stop doing this to yourself" and "why are you trying to make yourself sad."  It's not that you're intentionally trying to make yourself feel sad; it's that you're working through memories, have moments of unexpected recollections, and... you're still grieving.  I too, many times felt like I couldn't discuss these feelings with my partner which like you said, created a loneliness. 

To ease this issue between my partner and I, I reached out to my siblings and those who shared in my grieving process.  I know in your post you stated that your sibling has "his own family" and lives in the states.  Both of my siblings have their own respective families as well, with one sibling out of state.  Perhaps this is a good time to deeply reconnect to your sibling.  Sure, your sibling has a family of his own, but it was his mother too.  He must be working through the grieving process as well and should be able to relate and/or understand your feelings... perhaps much easier than your partner.  It might be worth reaching out to him.  Maybe he's feeling the very same way as you.  

Just like you, I also reached out to this forum to others in similar situations.  It helped!... I suddenly didn't feel so lonely.  I found a place where I could come and express my sorrow and sadness without feeling like I should be over my grief or I was being judged.  I still come to this forum.  It's a place where I still go to be among others who can closely relate, express and share in a similar experience.  This forum, in its own right, extended me a life line, a safe space.

From my personal experience, it's easy for someone who hasn't experienced the loss of their parents (or a parent) to have a predetermined "grieving timeframe" in their mind and when that "timeframe" is over.  (Ironically, my partner will soon have to work through the miserable, devastating, heart-breaking loss of a parent from Alzheimer's.  Not that I wish upon ANYONE the loss of a parent, but I believe that the impending loss of his parent has softened his heart and increased his understanding of the grieving process.  On a positive note, because my partner's understanding of the grieving process has increased, I've been able to share more of my feelings with him concerning the loss of my parents... slowly.)  Your partner's lack of empathy toward your grieving process might just really be because he hasn't personally experienced it himself.  This doesn't necessarily make him a "bad" person or partner, just someone who can't relate to the grieving process from the loss of a parent.  From your post, you say that "he has … opened up" and said that he wishes he could have handled the passing of your mother's death better.  This confession within itself, is a positive step forward in my opinion.  You know best as it is your relationship.  All relationships need constant work... and work it most definitely is.

I also try to keep in mind that men are sometimes taught that it's "not appropriate" for them to show emotion or cry.  I believe that sometimes, this line of thought can contribute to lack of understanding of another person who shows emotions.... or the understanding of someone who has a longer grieving process (and expresses it especially through tears).

Some people, and your partner may be one of them, just don't know how to navigate a situation where someone is outwardly, emotionally distraught.  It becomes awkward for them and they don't know how to react and/or assist.  Often for these people, it seems that they try terminate the awkwardness they feel by deliberately "shutting down" the person expressing emotion.  I have a hard time understanding such a strange reaction, but it exists. 

You will personally have to determine in your heart if this relationship is healthy, viable and worth pursuing.  Only you know.  In the meantime as you continue to navigate your grieving journey, keep trying to find people who can relate and/or understand your loss with compassion.  (We're out here!)  I know you can do it; keep going.  You found this forum.  

Wandering Soul

[Don-Tony]

Rtron,

I'm sorry for your loss. Those feelings of panic as you rush to their side, Telling yourself it will be ok, you'll make it there. That feeling of the world crashing down. These are real feelings and most of us here have experienced them, questioned our own sanity, and have felt isolated by those we truly love. You are not alone in this.

And you're not alone in the way your partner has made you feel. My spouse and I are having the same fights. My grief is taking too long. I get lost. My dead brother is more important than my family. I hate him for what he's done to you. All of these things have led to huge arguments. and like you my spouse has an intact family aside from her grandparents that went relatively expectedly and peacefully. And when we go camping she gets lost in the memories of her favorite grandmother since that is where they bonded most. I truly believe this is not a lack of empathy but a lack of understanding. You cannot understand this feeling until you are forced to live it. There is no explaining it, and its a club we never asked to join. They also don't want to understand. Just imagining what you've gone through brings me pain, and we've never met. And  I understand the pain and frustration you feel towards your partner and others in your life. Life has kept moving whether we were ready for it to or not. Why didn't the world stop for my loved one? My world stopped. How dare you people keep going without them. They've watched us suffer, helped us where they could and seen the toll its taken on us. I don't know about you but I'm also glad that my wife and stepchildren don't understand. I don't ever want them in this place. My thought is that your partner is dealing with the things life keeps throwing at you guys and they are getting tired. They need you like you need them. They are carrying some of our weight too or picking up the pieces we drop as we are just trying to hold it all together. They miss us, the laughter, the affection, the connection. When that part of us went with our loved one our partners began to grieve too and they don't even realize it. But my thought is that because we are still here they get frustrated because they want us back, the same way we want our loved ones back. And they can see us, touch us, we are still here. I'm not trying to excuse them but the problem, at least in my case, feels like a lot of misunderstanding. One of us has to learn, to know how to love the other as they need it. Does it always have to be us? No. Is it fair of them to ask us? No. But we do know about things being unfair. And if they ever do need us when their world crumbles we will be better equipped when they are lost. And I think that overall what should be most important is to continue to love, even when it sucks.

I will say, THE PAIN IS OK. Your world broke. It doesn't mean that the one you lost is more important than those that are alive but the machine that is YOU lost a very important gear and it took the whole thing down. Problem is, they dont make that gear anymore so we need to find a way to cobble something else together to get it up and running. But for all of us here we are strong and resilient. We can't throw the machine away. We will get it up and running. Some repairs will work for a while, some will break immediately but we will figure it out. That's what brought me here. To see those that are like me, struggling to get this machine running again. To be told and to tell others "I hear you, this sucks worse than anything ive been through. I miss mine everyday". To comfort those that are beginning this journey. To cheer on those that are finding their way. We all lost a big chunk of the love in our life. We can give it back to those around us, even just a little bit.

Keep pushing as much as you can. You'll find some light.  

[MarkinFL]

My mom's death was from cancer and there was a decline over a period of time.  Regardless, seeing that was super traumatic.  So, for anyone that had a close or even somewhat decent relationship with their mom, I think losing you mom just stirs of so much and grief is not what I thought it would be and what I read about (I'm a therapist and it has kicked my butt all over the place in ways I didn't expect).  People respond in ways that are not helpful at times.  They say things like "but your mom led a good life didn't she?"  Um....yeah, but that doesn't make me not sad or not still traumatized by her wasting away and dying.  Many men are "fixers" and they truly don't understand the purpose of "venting" and listening.  Throw that on top of not really understanding grieving and so forth....I'm sorry you are going through what you are without the support you really need and want.  Glad you came here at least.

[LightandSunny]

Rtron,

I found your post because I was searching for answers to essentially the same question. My mom died suddenly in August of this year and my husband was initially pretty supportive but then let his job's bereavement policy (2 days) and him having no accrued PTO to get in the way of his support. As you know, with a sudden death there's 9 billion moving parts and unknown answers to give to people who aren't invested in the matter.  What are all your mom's policies, where's this, where's that bank account, what about savings, what about her properties, where's the stocks, what are her funeral arrangements, your family is asking about this, they want that, did you contact probate?... it's mind numbing. Truly, I needed him to take control of it all but that's a humongous ask, not really anything he'd be able to totally (or legally) do, and not anything I'd ever push. However, I did anticipate his unflinching support and I got less than... way, way, less than. His focus was almost immediately on work and it was like dealing with me was an afterthought. We immediately started arguing more frequently and our arguments seem more intense than ever and much less bearable to me. The arguments have taken on a real "two ships in the night" quality, we just can't meet each other's perspective. Like you, I found it really hard to forgive his behavior, responses, and, choices but ultimately I put it down to "he's under pressure" "he's stressed too" "people are imperfect" and I opted to forgive the behavior as well as I could, not harp on it, and move on.

Welp. Flash forward to October and our dog of 13 years passed away followed by my dad the next week (both were sudden). You might think he'd rise to the occasion this time around and not repeat his mistakes... not so, at all. In fact, it seems he's doubled down on his lack of support and it's imploded our relationship. My birthday was at the end of October and he didn't buy me a gift, barely said happy birthday, no card, nothing. Bare in mind, he did this after I asked "please don't forget my birthday this year, it'd be too much" (he's forgotten it other years). I also got sick on the week of my birthday and there was obviously very marginal concern about it from him.

Now I can't find anything in me to forgive him. I have nothing in my arsenal of patience to tap in to. I'm out of sticks, out of straws, and almost two feet out the door. He's absolutely contributing (if not the sole cause) of my heartache and grieving. We've been married fifteen years and until this I thought we'd be married forever. Our marriage was never, ever, perfect but this feels like some weird intentional abuse. We've had a multitude of completely open (at least of my end) talks and arguments, they go completely nowhere. Anyhow, I'm sorry that I've nothing to offer to you beyond my own experience. Hopefully there's something cathartic in it for you as your story was for me. I feel I can't relay these problems to friends or family without some generic advice like "hang in there" or "I'm sure he's under a lot of pressure too". I hope you've found a way to cope and maybe you can share it with us? Best to you.

[Tana]

Some people just can’t give us what we need when we need it. That doesn’t make them bad, it’s sort of like the saying you can’t get blood from a turnip.  It’s not the turnips fault. Try to concentrate on his good qualities, and the good things he does for you, and then seek the emotional support you’re not getting from him, that may never come from him,  from someone else.  This might mean seeing a counselor for a little while, or going to some kind of grief group therapy, or just talking regularly with an understanding friend who just wants to listen. Sometimes even reading material  on the subject of grief, Maybe other peoples experiences even, can be sort of like a counseling session.  Because that is what it sounds like you need,— just someone to listen. I am so sorry for your loss, I recently lost my mother.

[magentanotpurple]

I know this thread is quite old now, but I've found it really helpful to read. My Dad died four weeks ago from a spontaneous intracerebral brain haemorrhage. He was completely healthy before this, it happened entirely out of the blue and his death was extremely rapid. I saw him in resus at the hospital, I was with him in the ICU, I experienced so much trauma. 

But I too am struggling with my partner's response. They were very supportive in the initial time, but it feels like just four weeks on from his death, and less than two weeks on since my Dad's funeral, that he is running out of patience for me. He keeps implying that I already used up his good will because I had work stress and a new chronic illness diagnosis at the end of last year. I feel so gutted that he's acting like there's some kind of debt that I already owe him and so my Dad dying means I'm drawing on empty. He claims that he doesn't mean this, but a lot of what he says and does makes me feel like there is. He has not lost a parent, so he does not understand. I don't want him to understand, I want him to have his parents for many, many years to come and enjoy that time. But it is hard to feel expected to be 'strong'. He keeps asking me to 'consider his wellbeing'. I am doing so, to the greatest of my ability, but at the moment that only amounts to practical things like keeping on top of all the admin I usually do, trying to arrange for him to have breaks to see his brother and friends, trying to take the kids out so he has some time to himself. But, inevitably when I take out our young children, when I get back I'm absolutely exhausted from trying to hold it together, from my trauma and grief, from the fibromyalgia I have and the impact the stress of losing Dad has on this. I keep asking him to talk to someone else about feeling neglected or fed up about our relationship, to seek support from his brother or family or friends. In an argument he yelled 'you're my support network', I had to say 'I can't be'. One person can't be a support 'network', not to mention at the moment when I'm reeling from the loss of my Dad who I was incredibly close to. I feel like I've had my heart ripped out.

I feel I am being very 'strong', I've been back to work and I'm the higher earner so this is important for the family, I'm back to doing school runs, I'm organising our daughter's party, I'm ensuring childcare is paid for on time. But none of this is valued by him, none of it is seen or acknowledged. To be honest I'm proud of myself for getting out of bed and getting dressed in the morning, anything else is some kind of miracle. I wish he would see that instead of resenting me. I'm finding it so hard as I don't want to keep arguing, but I also feel so angry when he turns away from me when I am crying. He even interrupted me and had no space to hear me today when I was trying to talk about the fact my Dad's ashes were arriving at Mum's house. We are still so very early and raw in this journey of grief and I expected more from him.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for this thread because it helped me see that others do experience these problems too, that I'm not alone. Sending love to all and deepest condolences for your losses; our pain is different, but we understand what this pain is and that's enough to connect us together.