Jealousy?

[BohoKat]

As a little context, lost beloved husband last year and with step-children and half-siblings we never had a time without kiddos. I am disabled and my youngest bless her soul continues to live with me and provides care as needed.

She is late 20s and always dated but within last few months has found a wonderful fellow and it is looking like “the one.” I try to be as self-sufficient as possible (I have severe bipolar) so they can have time together.

Before, my days revolved around the kitchen when I was capable and crowded dinner tables with family and friends. Tonight I am home alone in the rain and daughter is at BF’s cooking him dinner. I don’t resent it, but find myself crazy with jealousy. Grief I was somewhat prepared for, but this is a surprise. Perspective, please, someone…

[widower2]

Very understandable. In a situation like this, it's only human to see others having it better and feel jealous and angry at the unfairness of it. For example, when I lost my beloved I was (and remain) jealous of people with strong family ties, as I have none. I had no support system. I was outraged at how grossly unfair it is. So don't be too hard on yourself; it makes sense that you'd have those feelings. The good news is you recognize them and it sounds like have a good handle on them, generally speaking. Obviously this is easier said than done, but try to focus on something else. Finding things to do helps, even if it's something as simple as watching a movie or reading a book, although things that are less passive might be even better, as you're able. 

[Goforth860]

I also have severe bipolar along with a slew of other extreme diagnosis.  I can see the jealousy.  I have no family to speak of. I have no children and John's daughter has left my life as well as taking his/my granddaughter.  I do have a brother and sister but due to manic episodes throughout my life and just the way we were raised and the warfare we went through growing up we are triggers for each other so we stay away from each other. The things that get me are ppl who have children. Families and friends that say they're alone. I understand that you don't have your significant other but THEY ARE NOT ALONE!!! Ppl like me who's grandparents parents significant others and they have no family to speak of are alone. I see your jealousy. I understand that you want the love that you see your daughter possibly having with her bf who may be "the one". I am often so jealous of those who are lucky enough to have some kinda family. Parents child brother cuz aunt uncle. Someone..... And then I back off of my jealousy and I am thankful that they are not alone like me. That they do have some love from someone in their lives. I'm thankful that they aren't as lonely as I am.

[foreverhis]

widower2 is spot on.  Jealousy is terribly human and pretty well expected, IMO.  I expect part of you is so happy that your daughter seems to have found "the one."  I expect that part of you is frightened for her as well, knowing that if she has in fact found her soulmate, she risks being where you are now some day.  And it's true; she does risk that.  When I went to a family wedding a few months ago, I saw this wonderful couple (our nephew and his college sweetheart), perfectly matched, and so happy.  They're 25 and I had said to our daughter, "They're so young..."  She laughed at me and said, "And you were how old when you married daddy?"  Oh, that.  And I realized that some day, hopefully many decades from now, one of them will go through what we here are.

I also expect that part of you is a little bit jealous that she is just starting down the road that you have walked.  It won't be the same, but if she's lucky it will be filled with the same cell deep love that you had and still have in your heart.  Even knowing I'd feel as I do now and what the past 4 years have been like, I would still jump in with my whole heart, body and soul, because John was worth it.  He was worth everything.  I feel a little twinge of jealousy even now.

For a long time, I could not look at happy couples, especially ones who were clearly older than John (71) and I (then 60).  Why do they get what we should have had?  The unfairness absolutely crushed me sometimes and, I hate to admit this, but really made me angry at others.  Strangely, I didn't feel that way around our friends and family.  At first, I thought it was because I felt like "I don't want to take what they have.  I just want it for us too." and that with strangers I could feel differently.  But I realized that I didn't want to take it from strangers either.  I just wanted John back.  I wanted our time and our old, old age.  I used to tease him, "I expect 50 years out of you, mister.  I want that Golden Anniversary."  Of course, I didn't tease him that way in his last months because I knew that would be cruel and not the inspiration he needed.

For those of us with disabilities who have relied on our partners to be there for us, there's also a feeling of sadness when everyone around goes back to their lives.  Then the reality of our alone-ness becomes sharp and bright.  We can no longer ignore the reality in front of us.  It's as if life flows on around us, but we're trapped in a bubble on our own.

[April Ballou]

Yes it's true I have 2 grown children and 5 grandchildren but they don't live with me.  I see my son and his family on average once a month.  My daughter and her family just live 30 miles from me and the only reason I see them is because my oldest granddaughter is in sports.  Nobody is here when I'm sick or fall down.  I could die and how long will my body lay here before they find it.  I am disabled , yes I take care of myself by myself.   I lay in my bed so lonely.  I have a nice 3 bedroom and 2 bathroom trailer house.   Why?  It's just me.  My husband was my everything.   His family have decided that I'm not family anymore.  My mother had 3 sons and 1 other daughter,  they disowned me.  Nobody wants me in their lives.  It should have been me that died.  But no I'm here all alone.

[KayC]

I rarely see any of my family or hear from them.  If I get a call from my son once every couple of months I'm lucky.  My daughter has been holidays but last year I missed all the holidays but Thanksgiving due to the snow.  I did see her on my granddaughter's birthday, the end of May.  I don't get texts or phone calls from her.  I had some contact when I was helping her with her divorce but that was over June 14th and I didn't even get to see/talk to her on her birthday.  So I know alone.  My sisters don't call and I get tired of being the only one to reach out.  I wonder sometimes how long it'd take for someone to notice if I died?  That scares me because I have Kodie to take care of.

[BohoKat]

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. Those of you without people (I know I am the lucky few to have my daughter) remember, we may have never met but many treasure the wisdom in your posts and the care that shines through. Think of the clerk at the grocery store you always greet. The person you share a pew with on Sundays. You never know, for someone your smile might be the highlight of their week. You are touching more people than you know. You would be missed. <hugs>

[Laura Vence]

Such honesty and eloquence from everybody on this important touchy topic. I had a great son and a great husband. They are both dead, my husband less than a year. My family isn’t there one but for me. ‘Friends’—not really much. After 29 years with my husband it is hard to be constantly alone. So I’ve been trying — trying— to do things for myself that give me joy. Traveling …and now a new thing, scuba diving, but I am not disabled! So that’s a gift to me at 66. I just have some issues I fight and try to overcome.  Those of you with serious disabilities-/ my heart goes out to you. Sending love and hope …

[widower2]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

For a long time, I could not look at happy couples, especially ones who were clearly older than John (71) and I (then 60).  Why do they get what we should have had?  The unfairness absolutely crushed me sometimes and, I hate to admit this, but really made me angry at others.  .

Boy do I get that. I still sometimes am jealous when I see such couples. As you say it's not that I want that taken away from them, I just want what they have and was denied. 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

it's not that I want that taken away from them, I just want what they have and was denied. 

Oh my, YES!!!