Parent lost due to overdose

[Taylorrose]

I haven't really told anybody this story so my apologies is it's all over the place. I lost my mother back in January 2020 due to a fetanyl overdose. I was 19 at the time. I will be 22 next month and Its been way harder than I thought it would be. I've known she was an addict since I was 14 I wasn't allowed to see her for awhile, but truthfully, I didn't want to. I was so mad at my mom for so many years. But right before she died I was trying to forgive. I have an older sister 10 years my senior and her and my mom would get high together. I was trying to forgive them both. My sister is still alive but she relapsed last week and that's really messing with the grieving process. I've been in constant fear that everyone I love is going to drop dead or what if I do? So I've been more in survival mode than anything and haven't been able to grieve properly. I know there is no right way to grieve but I want to live my life. I already feel like my life is over. Nothing excites me nothing surprises me. Just the drive to live to the fullest has been extinguished completely. Sometimes the coals will smoke a little but I can't remember the last time something set my heart and soul on fire. I'm scared that it's never gonna come back. I'm never gonna want to live my life and I'm gonna be miserable and alone when I'm older because all I want to do is sleep to escape the fact that she's gone and time is passing so more people will die too and it'll just be me at the end. Thanks for reading this far if you did. 

[reader]

Dear Taylorrose,

I am very sorry for your loss. You've been through much in your young life. Grief levels us and there are so many raw feelings that we have to deal with. It's not easy. And like you there were many days I didn't how to keep going. Please know there is hope. And with more time things do get a little easier. 

I want so much for you to know there is support in the community and through church. I found these websites helpful in my journey.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Thinking of you. x