When There's Nothing to Do and You Want to Do Nothing?

[Catherine G.]

I'm really struggling with time at home -- After work and on the weekends, especially three-day ones like Labor Day here coming up.  When I'm at work, I can lose myself in the demands of the day, the constant meetings and emails and phone calls.  But at home in the evenings and on weekends, his loss constantly haunts me.  It's always in the back of my mind when I'm doing something.  But when the house is quiet and it's just me, the loss takes over and it's all I can think about.  I could try to fill the time by going out and doing things, seeing people.  But the fact is I don't want to do anything except be with him, which of course I can't.  Often, I can't muster the motivation to be around others socially because I don't want to talk about all the grief I'm going through, nor do I want to go to the effort to plan and organize something like a trip to see friends or family.  It all just feels like too much work.  But I know that being by myself and ruminating doesn't help either.  I've never been depressed before.  Always had truly excellent mental and physical health.  But I think this is what depression feels like.  I'm thinking about trying to go on medication for a short period, to help me cope, but a silly part of me thinks that's just masking or running away from my grief, covering it up with happy juice.  I know that's very silly, and depression medication helps an awful lot of people and does a great deal of good.  So I in no way want to invalidate its usefulness or mock anyone who takes it.  I'm just not sure I'm ready for that step yet.  Perhaps at some point soon I will be.  What's so bizarre is I lost my dad suddenly when I was in college, and while that was very hard, it wasn't as hard as this.

[Lost7]

Catherine

I can relate to your situation totally. I run myself ragged taking care of my granddaughter who by the way was born 5 days before my husband passed in January. She is our first! I babysit her while my son and his wife work and with her 12 hours a day 4 days a week and then I try to busy myself because I don't want to be home alone. I was always the happy person and I have never been depressed. I have a physical coming up in September I suppose I will ask my doctor about something to help me sleep I feel like if I could get some sleep that maybe I would feel better. I will be thinking about you and praying that time alone at home won't be painful.

Lost7 

[DWS]

You described precisely what I and so many others here are going through or have gone through. There is little to no ambition to do anything and being around others doesn't always give us much comfort. There is no fixing this and likely, once we fully come to terms with that, I think we begin to be gentler on ourselves. Our grief is all to do with the intense love for our partners and spouses. Their absence shattered our worlds. We're severely wounded and now we're having to learn how to recover and live with this devastating loss. 

About four or five weeks after my partner passed away in his sleep, a friend who tried to console me over the phone mentioned how I needed to watch that I don't end up in depression. He worked in the mental health field and even though, I knew he was concerned, I questioned how it was possible not to be depressed! He had never been through such a severe loss in his life and was approaching my grief only from his studies. There is unending sadness and yes, that could be labelled as situational depression but the best we can do is live with this, feel the emotions and keep processing all that's happened as they are constantly on our minds. 

Early on, I wrote down something that seemed to give me some comfort..."the intensity of your grief is equal to the intensity of your love for that person". Keeping that in mind, I figure I'm in this for the long haul and strangely enough, I'm okay with that. 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Catherine G. said:

I'm really struggling with time at home -- After work and on the weekends, especially three-day ones like Labor Day here coming up.  When I'm at work, I can lose myself in the demands of the day, the constant meetings and emails and phone calls.  But at home in the evenings and on weekends, his loss constantly haunts me.  It's always in the back of my mind when I'm doing something.  But when the house is quiet and it's just me, the loss takes over and it's all I can think about.  I could try to fill the time by going out and doing things, seeing people.  But the fact is I don't want to do anything except be with him, which of course I can't.  Often, I can't muster the motivation to be around others socially because I don't want to talk about all the grief I'm going through, nor do I want to go to the effort to plan and organize something like a trip to see friends or family.  It all just feels like too much work.  But I know that being by myself and ruminating doesn't help either.  I've never been depressed before.  Always had truly excellent mental and physical health.  But I think this is what depression feels like.  I'm thinking about trying to go on medication for a short period, to help me cope, but a silly part of me thinks that's just masking or running away from my grief, covering it up with happy juice.  I know that's very silly, and depression medication helps an awful lot of people and does a great deal of good.  So I in no way want to invalidate its usefulness or mock anyone who takes it.  I'm just not sure I'm ready for that step yet.  Perhaps at some point soon I will be.  What's so bizarre is I lost my dad suddenly when I was in college, and while that was very hard, it wasn't as hard as this.

Everything you say is normal in grief and makes sense...I thought for years that Rxs would be a temporary bandaid for a permanent situation (as far as I knw, he wasn't coming back!) but I think all I did was make it harder on myself by trying to struggle on my own.  I finally researched the anti-anxiety med I wanted Buspirone (Buspar) and printed it out and took it to the doctor, I've been on it ever since, unapologetically.  Same with sleep aid Trazodone 50 mg...I was told recently it's not good for me (by a friend) to which I replied "Neither is not sleeping).  Touche!  Actually on the dose I'm on, it's safe long term.  Also unapologetticaly.  Anything that helps us...

And of course this is the hardest death you've had to deal with.  It's the person you shared your life with, interacted with daily, it's the person that you shared hopes, dreams, and future with.  We expect our parents to die before us, not so much our soulmate.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Don-Tony]

Katherine,

This sounds brutal and also familiar. Being at home sucks when its too quiet. When you know what you should be hearing, a football game, noises from the garage, footsteps coming from upstairs. It's one long beat down. And I understand not wanting to go out. Where do you go? To a favorite restaurant, a store, a park, the movies. Depending on what they loved these places are hard too. If you want to get out maybe pick a new place to eat, something you've never tried. If you get all the way out there and decide "nope, not going in there." then leave. maybe the drive over was enough of an outing for today. Do what feels right for you at this moment.

As far as medication goes, if you want to give it a try I say go for it. Grief messes with us in so many ways, physically, spiritually, mentally, its hard to say what part of you hurts most. But I know as you go you will be the only person who will be able to see what you truly need. Listen to that person.