Complicated grief after the traumatic loss of a parent

[Itscomplicated2018]

My father passed away 4 yrs ago this week after a very traumatic situation, 5 weeks after my 3rd child was born. To say that I had no time to focus on my own grief is an understatement. My heart still hurts daily and I am constantly replaying things in my head. I have made progress in that I can enjoy things and not relate every single experience in my life to how my dad isn’t here to see it. But I still feel like a different person who can’t fully participate in the same busy life without feeling detached and like people don’t truly understand what I went through. I don’t think I’ll ever not feel this way. Part of me doesn’t want to be “better” bc of the guilt of feeling like I’m moving on. But that’s not even an option for me at the moment bc I feel very stuck. 

[Ronni_W]

Dear Itscomplicated2018,

my hugs and condolences to you.

I am dealing with something similar, although, at the same time, also quite different (at least, "different" for how I'm experiencing my own 'stuff' and sense of feeling guilty).

For me (my husband was found dead 2 years ago, last week), I also have an 'inner knowing', I guess we could call it that, that there isn't anyone else on Earth who ever will truly be able to fully understand my own experience and what I went through and what I'm still going through. In fact, I've even had to come to terms -- am still trying to come to terms -- with this being just a part of my life that won't ever change.   A personal loss is just that, I think -- personal, and unique, and individual; and every single person will experience their own loss, and sense of grief and "grieving process", differently. Almost necessarily, I think.

But. My guilt about not being able to fully engage and participate and "find joy" and "see the beauty" and "be grateful" and "keep a gratitude journal" about the rest of all the things that this life that I'm living now is supposedly still, today, bringing for me -- my "opportunities" some people call it; my "opportunities" for growth and expansion and forgiveness and gratitude. Feeling guilty about not being able to feel any of that!

But. I do think that my husband would, actually, want me to feel at least some of that (if not all of it) -- he would want me to feel happy and secure and stable on Earth, in this life. So, sometimes I feel "guilty" for not being able to move forward as he would have truly desired for me, because he loved me and wanted the best for me, and wanted me to feel happy and 'alive' and to experience fun and enjoyment...even without him.  (This is why I said that, for me, it's also a bit different than 'guilt'...but I don't yet have a better word for it, either.)

Sending you 'cosmic vibes' of love, hugs, comfort and strength.   Ronni

[Traz]

Dear Itscomplicated2018,

Today is the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death and I can relate to how you feel. I'm so sorry about the loss of your father as well and the trauma surrounding his death. 

So many circumstances can interrupt the process of grief and make it very complex to navigate through. Also, I can't imagine having a newborn and two other children while trying to grieve. 

For me, there was a lot of anger toward my sibling who did a lot of damage to our relationship while our mom was sick. She also was mean to our mom during this time which was really appalling. The anger and betrayal I felt made it impossible to deal with my grief later on. So I stuffed it all down and then the pandemic hit. Our two adult kids moved back home and it's been chaos ever since.

I feel like you, detached and that I'll never be the same. Maybe we aren't meant to be the same after loss? Maybe it changes us for our own spiritual growth journey... But it feels really lousy in the meantime. I keep a journal and a personal 'diary' that I write exclusively to my mom. For some reason, that helps. 

I hope you find comfort here on this site and know that you're not alone in your suffering. 

Take good care xo