Where do I go

[Aven]

I lost my father two weeks ago. He passed at the age of 43. I am currently 23. When I found out I was out of state in it felt so unreal. I took the 5 hour drive back and it took everything in me to not break down in front of my friends. Apparently he had missed a few days of work and his work called my grandmother and the police found him in his apartment sitting at his desk. We don’t know his cause of death. My father was a absent for most of my childhood and came back in my teens. He lost his brother to suicide and his dad left him when he was still a baby. My dad always vented about how he felt, but looking through his apartment I can see it. He was divorced and was living in a long term hotel room. Trash everywhere notes on his fear of death and his insecurities. But there was still hope in him. He always wanted to go on vacations with me and my cousins. We went camping trip,went to Vegas, and Disneyland in recent years. We were going to San Francisco a month ago,    
 But I canceled it. I had a new job and I couldn’t .

   He texted me about my new job and I left him on read. He always pleaded with me to help him with his alcoholism. I never listened. He planned family reunions that no one went to. Not even me.I thought he could turn it around that this darkness he was in was temporary. He feels right outside my reach and I cant help him. I couldve when he was alive but I didn’t. As I go through his stuff I can see he was trying. Health bars AA coins, fitness gear, and it feels as if the world had cheated him. I don’t know what else to say. I haven’t confided in anyone yet. I’ve told my family but I’ve been focusing on work and school. No one’s seen me cry not even at the funeral. But when I’m alone I just break down. His dad told me to let go of the past and forgive. The same man who abandoned my grandmother when she had two kids. Who couldn’t even remember my fathers name when he saw him. Who I’ve only seen once in my life. No one helped my dad and he died alone and broke in a run down apartment. No one deserves that. It’s hard to work through that dark reality. To stay happy. I still make jokes and am smiling when in Public. But it’s all so cold. Pointless. I’m no different I’m living the same way. I’m not sure how long the world will give me. I just wanted my dad to be proud of me and see how far I would get. To see that we could get out. Be happy. Have a family. But I couldn’t do it. I live alone and a run down duplex living paycheck to paycheck. Someone tell me there’s hope

[reader]

Dear Aven,

I am deeply sorry for your loss. It's hard to look back and it sounds like your dad was trying and doing the best he could under very difficult circumstances. 

Please know you are not alone and there is hope. (((hugs))) We are here to listen. But if you want to maybe consider grief counselling or joining a support group in the community. There are also many online resources.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Share

Grief Healing Blog

Keep taking it day by day the best you can. I know for the first 2 years I was raw and sad and lonely. It doesn't feel like it right now but there is hope. I have confidence you'll find your way.