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My girlfriend took her own life.


Stan

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Yesterday (Monday, 29th August, 2022) I found out my girlfriend had taken her life.

Recently she's been really struggling with things at work, she'd come to my place and she'd be upset, sometimes crying, sometimes anxious to the point she wanted to puke. We'd talk about it and she'd calm down, and things felt normal again. She's been interviewing at another place, which seemed great and she had a group of very loving and supportive friends. 

Our normal routine is that she'll come to my place on Fridays after work, stay the weekend then leave Monday morning for work, She might be here one or two nights during the weekdays but the weekends have always been the same. On Sunday (28th August, 2022) she left my apartment and went into the office around 9am. Afterwards she went back to her own apartment, we texted each other until midnight and she seemed fine. The next day I got a message from a colleague of hers and a good friend saying she hasn't been at work and police had come to the office to go through her stuff, but no information was given. Monday night I get a call from the police to go down to the station and I learnt that she had taken her own life. During the early hours of Monday, someone from her apartment block reported that someone had jumped.

As we were talking on Sunday, the thought of going over to keep her company crossed my mind but she said there's no need as she just wants to rest, and I thought giving her some space might be a good idea. 

Her name is Daiwa, she was 25, smart, funny and kind. I loved her so much and I thought I would be able to help her. We're currently both based in Shenzhen, China, and she's originally from Poland. She's been mentioning how much she's been thinking of going back because she's been struggling here, but she doesn't want to leave me. It's not as easy for me to move, but it was something we talked about and would most likely have eventually happened. We had plans to move to Germany together in a couple years

I'm currently struggling with the whole situation, but that's normal right? I keep thinking to myself, what if I insisted on going over. What if I just showed up and surprised her anyway?

Her parents are back in Poland and I had no way to contact them. I know of her sister so I messaged her on Instagram, as that was the only way I knew of finding her. I had to be the one to tell her what happened and the way she broke down and started crying when she realised I wasn't joking will forever haunt me. People say "it's not your fault" but I can't help be feel like I let her down, let her sister down and let her parents down by not keeping her safe. As they were crying, the only words I could say were "I'm sorry" over and over again.

Something Daiwa would always say to me was, "I can't afford to lose you." She loved me more than I loved her, and I knew it, I treasured every moment of it. And now I don't know why I'm still typing. I just had to get this out there. I know they say it gets better over time, but right at this moment, I can't help but feel like I'm falling apart. I miss her so much.

I guess writing and sharing this is part of my grieving process. Thank you for taking your time to read this if you've gotten this far. I will try to be strong for her but I really don't know if I can be.

 

To Daiwa, 

I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I miss you so much and I'll remember you always. I love you.

Stan.

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Stan, I am so sorry for the loss of your GF, no way would anyone expect to lose someone so young, it's very unfair.  I know you realize with your head that you aren't responsible but our feelings speak a different language than our brain and it's our feelings we sometiimes have a hard time dealing with.  I just hope you keep in mind that feelings are not facts.  It's important during this time to be kind and patient with yourself, understanding and forgiving.  It'll be especially important to be your own best friend in absence of her now.

Welcome to our grief family here, I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps us to know there are others going through similar things and to know we aren't crazy with how we're feeling....it also helps us process our grief.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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Dear Stan

Grief has a way of making you feel guilty. What I hear in your story is that you were always available for your girlfriend. I feel you did all that you could for her. You did nothing wrong. I am sorry for your loss and at any age the pain is deep. Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my husband to COVID-19 after 37 years of marriage. It's been 8 months for me and it feels like 8 minutes some days. I will continue to lift you up. For now please accept my virtual hug.

lost7 

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