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Pretend life


LMR

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This is how I'm afraid I'd feel if I moved.  I'm sorry, you're grieving your home now as well.  That's a lot to pack inside of two years.  :(

 

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Jemiga, helping your parents now....this is particularly a hard phase of life, my dad died suddenly when I was young, but my mom lived to 92, she had dementia, it was hard...so was taking care of my older sister when she was disabled and had dementia, but I'm glad I did it.  Living this life alone with no one to talk to about it...well it's particularly hard.  This place is so important.

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Dear Lmr

I just called my sister to tell her I am so very lonely and ask if I could have a few minutes of her time, of course I feel guilty because she is married and has her own life, she kindly listened to me to get me over the hump. All I can figure is is coming up on the anniversary of the 8th month..... I don't know really what triggers it. However, I completely understand your feelings and pain. I am grateful for this site to put it out there to people who absolutely understands. Again I am so sorry for your hurt. Full disclosure I'm sitting here crying as I'm writing because I just don't understand why we have to endure such pain for love.

Lost7 

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On 8/29/2022 at 5:10 AM, LMR said:

I'm having a bad day and there's nobody here to help. In an instant the two years seems more like two days and I am overwhelmed with grief and guilt and an ache so deep I don't know what to do.

I've been doing quite well. I do actually enjoy the time with my sister. It's not that I am pretending to have a nice time its just that my whole life now seems like a pretend life. It isn't real. I wake up thinking " I want to go home", but there is no home anymore and there never will be.

I'm so sorry. As if the loss wasn't enough, to lose that home as well is a large pouring of salt in the wound, and having gone through similar, I can appreciate that. It should ease over time though, and I am hoping/praying it does with you.

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I posted a rather long reply in another thread Loneliness/ Widow(er) Effect just a few minutes ago that  speaks to this issue.  

I don't have the energy to retype it here. But at 5 and a half years I have been able to find a way to live, with real happiness again.  Don't give up hope.  

Gail

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Pretend life, sometimes that's a bit how I feel, but I have my puppy and he is my world now.

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Lmr. You mentioned that you're on a roller coaster ride, I know that you are on the downhill but the roller coasters got to come back up! Please keep hanging on I care for you.

Lost7

 

 

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Renea 

I am so very sorry for your loss of your soulmate. It is still fresh and new and raw to you I remember being in one month end and just feeling numb heavy hearted not knowing which way to turn and just frankly not believe in what happened. My husband was taking by COVID-19 at the age of 54 he had never been in the hospital before he was healthy. We both contracted it at the same time. He died and I did not so of course guilt plays into that as well. I'm at 9 months now and even though I still hurt I will say that there are slivers of hope. I started going back to church and we had our very first grandbaby who was born 5 days before my husband passed I take care of her 4 days a week she keeps my mind occupied. I will be praying for you. This is a great forum to come to, people here are so kind. We all get what you're going through It doesn't make any easier but in that respect you're not alone honey. Post when you can, reading other people's stories help me maybe it'll help you too. 

Virtual hug 

Lost7 

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On 9/5/2022 at 5:08 AM, KayC said:

Pretend life, sometimes that's a bit how I feel, but I have my puppy and he is my world now.

Right now I'm having time every day with Raleigh and I'm loving it.  The reason why makes me feel a little selfish: Her mom has pneumonia and her dad is out of town for 2 weeks.  Last weekend, her mom texted (she can barely talk right now) to see if I could take Raleigh for a walk.  Well, of course I would arrange my schedule to say yes.  We had just had a storm (yay), so Miss Raleigh got quite muddy.  I took her to my house for a wash up, play time, treat, and short cuddle.  That's actually part of our usual time together, so I felt good keeping her at least a bit in her routine.

She loved it; I loved it; her mom took a nap with their two young cats snuggling her, knowing that Raleigh was safe and loved.  And so for at least the next week, I will be spending a couple of hours with Raleigh after lunch.  Today, she oozed down into her deep sleep mode during our snuggle because we had a long walk (for us), wash up, crazy play time--that girl doesn't seem to realize she's 12-1/2 sometimes, and a salmon treat (I buy it fresh at the fish market and bake it plain just for her).  At the time I planned to take her home, I nudged her lightly and asked, "Ready to go home?"  She pushed her legs further over my leg, leaned hard into the arm I had around her back, and gave me a one-eyed "the look."  I texted her mom and told her the situation.  Of course, she responded that it was no problem as long as I could spare the time.  I can't express in words just how much she adds to my life and how much she has helped heal my shattered heart.  The people in my life, my small circles of loving and loyal friends and family, are very important to me and I'm grateful to have them.  Yet somehow a little 12 lb bundle of love soothes me more than any human can (except for John, of course.)

I know you still miss Arlie and always will, but Kodie is such a special boy and I'm so thankful you have him.

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14 hours ago, Renea said:

He’s gone about a month now. I keep looking at his pictures. Visualizing where he sat. I seem to have no purpose. We were always together. Never apart. It feels unreal that he is not here with me. His death was unexpected. I keep thinking, what if we had did something different, maybe he wouldn’t have died. I’m trying to keep busy. Don’t know what to do with myself. Feel lost.

I am so sorry for your loss, I know, easy to say, but truly heartfelt...we here have all been through this.  And these are the people who lost their soulmates, not some marriage of convenience.  We WANTED them, LOVE them!  And miss them every day...and it's now been over 17 years...I have no idea how, one day turned into another and time passed...it's hard for me to comprehend.  I've learned to carry my grief inside of me.  

I hope you will continue to come here, to read and post, you'll find this is like a family of sorts, even though we've never met, we deeply care about each other.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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