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I don't feel anything


LadyBrooke

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I am new here and 1st time attempting to express what I am feeling...or rather not feeling. I lost my Dad in April . He was the only person that loved me endlessly, unconditionally and was always so excited to see me. He was the only man that has never ever hurt me. My Dad had been ill and I spent the last year visiting multiple doctors, ambulance calls ,hospital stays and tests . Not an easy thing with Covid often separating us. I knew he was struggling ...but I never thought he would die. In april I got a 3 am phone call from my mother. She said he fell in the bathroom and she couldn't get him up . She was screaming for me to come right now.  I told her to call an ambulance and I drove over in my jammies and was there before paramedics. I thought I would help him get up..I went into the bathroom. I called and called him . He would not answer me for the 1st time in my life . I ran out ...I don't know why I did that. The paramedics were there by then and would not let me back in . The world stopped. They said he had no pulse , they said they were going to stop attempting to resuscitate.... I felt drugged and never responded. My sister came, the police , other people and my husband . He died . Ever since that day my life has been on pause. It feels like the pause button is pushed down and stuck there. I feel nothing , I don't talk. I want silence, I want to be left alone , I rarely think of it. I have been muted in some odd detached fog with no incentive or need to talk ..to anyone. I have to deal with my mother who is 89 and was with my dad 72 years. I can't feel her pain. I am not sure what is "wrong" with me, but I am terrified of feeling anything anyway so this might be best ...but odd. I will never be as close to any other human as I was to my Dad.  I have PTSD from a previous event several years ago...I am warned that finding my Dad was traumatic and may stir up past trauma etc . I feel nothing . This can't be right. 

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I recently lost my Dad july 12th under terrible circumstances. I feel the same as you do. I just want people to leave me alone with their drama or their problems and let me grieve but when I try to grieve or meditate on what happen I just feel a mix of nothing and pain. 

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Hi Ladybrooke,

I hope you can somehow feel my empathy for your terrible loss. I feel similar about my dad (and my husband) being the only men who never hurt me. It makes the loss even more profound. 

Your dad sounds like mine in so many ways. The unconditional love and support... such a blessing to have and I realize it more and more now that I'm older. 

I feel for you, having to rush to your parents' home and then to find your dad in the way that you did. That is very traumatic and life-altering. I'm not an expert or a therapist, but given the fact you have PTSD, what you're going through is understandable. Feeling nothing is a way to protect ourselves from extreme emotional distress. It doesn't mean you don't love your dad. It is a way for you to cope. If it is interfering in your daily life and affecting you negatively, a grief counselor or therapist might be able to help you with that. 

Wow, 72 years your parents were together? Incredible. Your poor mom. Maybe in time you will both be able to share some of your feelings together. I was closer to my dad, but got to know my mom better as the years went on.

You'll hear people say this a lot, but remember to care for yourself. Self-care really is a thing. I used to think it was putting on a face mask or running a bubble-bath, lol. While those things are great, self-care is also about recognizing your limits and saying no to people when you have too much to deal with. Its also allowing other people to help you when they offer. 

I hope you feel comfortable here and know that no one is judgemental. Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. 

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