Steve

[Stephen moss]

In not sure who I'm  speaking to but my wife and were together for  40 years I met her when she had 2 young   sons who have always called me dad  they have both had drug addictions and spent most of their adult life in and out of jail we obviously have had a lot of turmoil and problems for years but our oldest son was in a hostel in March this year hoping to go into rehab but was knocked back because he was still using and he was found dead on a railway line in Macclesfield.   The inquest is due soon .My wife could not come to terms with all the turmoil and she collapsed and died in May I am still in complete shock and trying to grieve but although I have got a great network of friends and family there are times when I am so angry and feel so alone .

[Gail 8588]

Stephen,

I am so very sorry for the terrible losses you have suffered.  Each of these deaths is devastating.  To have them both in such a short period of time is too much to bear.

It is so unfair.  Impossible to understand why. 

All you can do is try to be kind to yourself. It is so easy to spiral into "if only I had recognized . . "  if only I had done . . ."  The truth is you did the best you could at the time. We all did. 

Come here and read the posts of others. You will feel less alone. Vent, rage, or share stories as you feel the need.  We understand more than most folks, as our lives have been shattered by great loss too.

I am so sorry you have reason to join us, but welcome.

Gail

 

[KayC]

Steve, I am so sorry for your losses.  Sometimes I think our spouses the lucky ones, it's us here left dealing with this that has it rough.  To learn of your son's death like that, I can't iimagine, it must have been extremely hard on your wife and you.  And now you're tthe one left....it's the hardest thing in the world but you will make it through this...one day at a time.  I hope you'll continue to come here to read/post, it helps us with our processing and good to know we aren't crazy or alone in this.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

 

[Lost7]

Dear Steve

I am so sorry for your great losses. Grieving is hard on us and can play tricks on our minds and make us feel guilty. The loneliness alone is enough to drive you crazy. I am sorry that you are here but glad that you have found this site to read and share with all of us that are hurting. Please accept my virtual hug.

Lost7 

[Ronni_W]

On 8/27/2022 at 2:20 PM, Stephen moss said:

In not sure who I'm  speaking to but my wife and were together for  40 years I met her when she had 2 young   sons who have always called me dad  they have both had drug addictions and spent most of their adult life in and out of jail we obviously have had a lot of turmoil and problems for years but our oldest son was in a hostel in March this year hoping to go into rehab but was knocked back because he was still using and he was found dead on a railway line in Macclesfield.   The inquest is due soon .My wife could not come to terms with all the turmoil and she collapsed and died in May I am still in complete shock and trying to grieve but although I have got a great network of friends and family there are times when I am so angry and feel so alone .

Stephen moss,

I am so sorry for your "double-whammy" of loss. If I may, I would offer a bit of a different take on it: All of this confusion, and sadness, and shock and horror, and sense of instability, loss, loneliness and aloneness, and unanswered questions, and guilt and regret, and "what ifs", and "I coulda's" and "I shoulda's", and anger, and feeling bereft and confused -- all of this is us already grieving. (We don't, unfortunately, get the luxury of "trying to grieve"...we just fall right into grieving and the so-called "grieving process". We just are there, already.    For me, this "process" started by me just going totally mentally/emotionally comatose/paralyzed for 48 hours. I don't remember if I ate or drank anything, but I do know that I managed to get myself to the toilet -- because I didn't need to steam-clean any of my furniture or clothing! But, that's the only way that I know this last part about how my own 'grieving' started. Two days after I found out, I called my brother to tell him that my husband was dead.)

One of the "weirdest" or "strangest" or "most insane" things -- even given our extremely supportive, loving, kind, caring and compassionate network of friends and family...nothing, really; nothing at all really, in my own experience, can fill-in for what we actually, really, truly and deeply want and need at this time. They just can't.     No-one else can or ever will be able to. It sucks. It just sucks from start to end, from top to bottom, from every single degree of the circle to every single next one, until it encompasses all 360 degrees of them.

Love and hugs to you, Stephen moss. Please keep posting whenever you feel inclined to do so, and know that you are not alone, even while each one of us is, in a very real way. But we're also not.   Ronni