Sliding down

[Suea]

Just hit the 5 month mark since my hubby's passing. I thought I was starting to return to "normal" but nope took a quick slide downward. I sure hope this is par for the course. Only thing that has changed is that I went to my first grief support meeting. It was a little tougher than I anticipated. I wonder if there is something wrong with me that I just can't get it together. Help!

[DWS]

From what I've read and learned, it's par for the course to slide downward after feeling a bit above water. I hit the six month mark tomorrow and feeling mostly numb about it. A few weeks ago, I had wondered how things would be at six months and now I know it's not a whole lot different than it was at four months. The memories are all still here but my Tom isn't. This is all about getting used to their absence and eventually, coming to the realization that we're already filling that void even though it may not feel like we are. 

[Lost7]

I am heading into my 8th month of losing the love of my life, I have waves of grief crash over me at least three times a week sometimes more. I just know that the waves are supposed to get less with time I pray  that is so, sometime the pain is just too much.

Loss7 

[April Ballou]

@Suea  @Lost7. It's hard but you have to thing about other things.  Kids, animals,  the house. holy to find a hobby.  I like to embroidery  that helps.

[Lost7]

Yes I keep myself busy with my grandbaby she was born 5 days before my husband passed. I babysit her so that my son and wife are able to work It does seem to keep me occupied. I will admit the drive to and from their home is the time that I shed most of my tears, and the nights are lonely.

Loss7 

[widower2]

1 hour ago, Suea said:

Just hit the 5 month mark since my hubby's passing. I thought I was starting to return to "normal" but nope took a quick slide downward. I sure hope this is par for the course. 

Very generally speaking, yes I think it's common to hit a "dip" around the 6-8 mo mark (ballpark timeframe). It's part of the dust settling after that initial huge wave of loss and reality really creeping in that they really are gone...I think for many of us, early on there's part of us that is in denial and thinks maybe we'll wake up from this insane nightmare eventually. But as time wears on, we're forced to face reality. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Allow for that. Realistically it will get easier over time...it's just so #$@ gradual! Try to busy yourself as much as you're able, IMO that helps. Trips, hobbies, visiting people, whatever, anything other than just stewing in it. Even house work or yard work can give brief relief in day to day life. 

[April Ballou]

@Lost7 yes I agree the nights are so very lonely.  I usually get through the day.   But the nights, sometimes they just never seem to end.

[KayC]

On 8/22/2022 at 5:59 PM, Suea said:

I sure hope this is par for the course.

The other change (although that could have triggered/opened it up, but in a good way as it means you're beginning processing it) is that you're drawing nigh to the six month mark.  See these two articles:
Six Month Mark
Six Month Mark

 

[DWS]

On 8/22/2022 at 10:52 PM, widower2 said:

It's part of the dust settling after that initial huge wave of loss and reality really creeping in that they really are gone...I think for many of us, early on there's part of us that is in denial and thinks maybe we'll wake up from this insane nightmare eventually. But as time wears on, we're forced to face reality.

It's a continual heart-wrenching challenge. I was feeling okay-ish this morning and decided to water and fertilize the annuals on the back deck. It's a beautiful warm and sunny day here with a hint of humidity. It was quiet and calm in the neighbourhood despite being close to my city's downtown core...but as I finished up the watering, I could feel the rush of my emotions of grief and sorrow returning. Such a beautiful day but it makes my partner's absence that much more obvious. 

[Suea]

Thank you everyone who shared their experiences. It's comforting to know I am actually on track and not a lunatic. Different people, different locations, different situations yet we all have the same experience at about the same point in the grief timeline in this unwanted journey. This is precisely why we need a site like this one. Thank you.

[KayC]

@Suea Exactly, and no, you are not a lunatic.

[Ronni_W]

On 8/22/2022 at 8:59 PM, Suea said:

Just hit the 5 month mark since my hubby's passing. I thought I was starting to return to "normal" but nope took a quick slide downward. I sure hope this is par for the course. Only thing that has changed is that I went to my first grief support meeting. It was a little tougher than I anticipated. I wonder if there is something wrong with me that I just can't get it together. Help!

Suea,

I sure do hope that there is nothing "wrong" with you!!! -- Because today is my two year -- 2 YEAR -- mark, and, nope, not feeling any too 'resilient' or 'strong' or 'competent' or 'hopeful / optimistic', etc., at this time.  (Not that I'm not getting done what needs to get done, so, in that sense, am able to get (and keep) it together...but, long term and crap, not really.)

If I remember for myself after only 5 months, I was still basically comatose or felt as if completely mentally-emotionally-psychologically numb and paralyzed. (Physically, yes I was able to function, and deal with the 'estate' stuff, and shop to feed myself, and go to the washroom as needed...but...beyond that? To be honest, not so much.)           So, for how my own grief journey and grieving process went -- and, 2 years later, is still going -- which is why I said, at the beginning, that I sure do hope that there is nothing "wrong" with you. (Because it would just mean that there is A LOT WAY WRONG WITH ME! <LOL>. 🙂.)

Wishing you the best with your grief support group. I've also been participating in such, and have found it helpful and useful.   Love and hugs, Ronni

[Suea]

@Ronni  you have no idea of the sigh of relief I just felt after reading your post. Obviously I don't want anyone to feel like this, it really stinks. After reading all the replies it sounds like grief is running it's course for me. I guess I have to ride it out without questioning my grief journey "stage". I just want this crazy ride to end. 

[Ronni_W]

1 hour ago, Suea said:

@Ronni  you have no idea of the sigh of relief I just felt after reading your post. Obviously I don't want anyone to feel like this, it really stinks. After reading all the replies it sounds like grief is running it's course for me. I guess I have to ride it out without questioning my grief journey "stage". I just want this crazy ride to end. 

Suea, if you are still online, I'm currently logged into the 'chatzy' link...so, I can meet you there.

I think...because we all need to buy into that there are 'experts' to help us...we start to think that there is one thing like "grief".

For me, no! Grief is not ONE thing. Grief is about 8 billion things...that is, one extremely unique and individual thing for each person on Earth.   My mom's death did not generate the same grief for her son (my brother) as it did for me. My husband's death did not generate the same experience for me as for his sons; and, further, not for his eldest son as for his younger one. And not for his oldest granddaughter, as for her younger brother (his youngest grandchild).

It is NOT the same, but every single 'grief expert' I've read or come into personal contact with, wants to 'box it up' into one parcel, one category, one same kind of experience. NO!!!

So, yeah, Suea, I'm going to feel all kinds of 'good and right', telling you how "grief" runs its course. But. NO!!! Don't believe me for even one millisecond. Mine will not be the same as yours; yours will not be the same as mine. Best we can hope, is that we will be able to sort-of, kind-of, understand what the other is going through, and walk with each other, through that.

All of that said. I personally do not have any sense that this "crazy ride" has any "end" to it. I think...what we used to think that an "end" to it might be, or might look like or might feel like? I think that we need to change what we used to think about this. I think. (If this makes any sense at all? Right now?)

I think that there is NOTHING at all wrong with us, Suea.     Love and hugs, Ronni

[Ronni_W]

1 hour ago, Suea said:

@Ronni [...] I guess I have to ride it out without questioning my grief journey "stage".[...]

Suea, just do be clear, I DO keep questioning my own "stage" of my own grief journey (but not of any else's). But this is only because I want to do my best for my own self to not become delusional. But then also, for me it changes from day to day, or even hour to hour; and then I just go with what feels right for me, right in any given moment.

Like. At the start of the day, I told myself all kinds of things, like, "Nope! No alcohol today; you need to be strong!" (And other crap along those lines.) Then, around 3:30PM, I took on a more realistic view (in my view <LOL>), and asked, "Why no alcohol today? What's it gonna prove, and to whom???"   And so then I went to the store, and bought myself some -- but not a lot of -- alcohol.

It's the day that I found out that my husband was dead. (Well...it was not confirmed until a few days later; but I didn't need the 'official' confirmation.) So, why not alcohol today? And on every single other 25 August that I will have to endure in the future, as long as I am alive on Earth?

So. I do keep questioning. But also with self-caring and self-compassion. Effit. Let the so-called 'grief experts' tell me to do otherwise. And then I'll let them know about it. 🙂. Really, the so-called and self-defined 'experts' don't know nothing at all. They have NOT had to go through what you have, and what I have.

[Suea]

@Ronni I do not know what the chatzy link is sorry. I can agree with you in that no 2 people have the exact same feelings, responses or experiences when losing a loved one.  It's all just so confusing and frustrating.

 

[Ronni_W]

1 minute ago, Suea said:

@Ronni I do not know what the chatzy link is sorry. I can agree with you in that no 2 people have the exact same feelings, responses or experiences when losing a loved one.  It's all just so confusing and frustrating.

 

Yikes! (Calling on me to do technical stuff. <lol>. Not my forte, but...) Okay, so. Suea, I'm going to do my best to try to explain it: Some time ago, widower2 set up a link where we can 'talk/chat/type to each other' in real time. (Like the old-time IRC, or 'texting' but while on the same site. I'm going to try to copy the link here, but, if not, then...well, post again, and then I'll try again. Fair enough? <Hugs and grins>.

http://www.chatzy.com/97518119265755

For me, all I do is open up that link in a new tab (I use Firefox browser), and then type in a username (or whatever it asks for at the top), and then hit 'Enter room'. (I am still there right now; 11:30PM Toronto time, so...let's see how it goes, yeah?)

For sure it is very confusing -- this 'grief journey' that we are riding together and yet ever so alone!

[1050_harley]

For me I lost my wife going onto 4 years ago and still to this day it feels as though it was just yesterday.. they say the grief and the hurt subsides in due time but it really doesn't it is something that will be with you for the rest of your life you just need to figure out a way to live with it and that is the hardest part of all especially when it's difficult to accept the loss for me I'm still in shock and denial even after all this time and the pain in my heart is tremendous I really really hurts. But I'm so glad we can all come to this website and just be open about this kind of thing it's so difficult to talk about but talking does help. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

[KayC]

@Ronnie, I didn't realize it was two years for you yesterday...so hard to get through those anv of death days, no wonder you wanted to drink.

 

[Jemiga70]

@Suea  I'm approaching 16 months.  I don't believe that "stages of grief" stuff.  Kubler-Ross herself said it was for terminally ill patients, people approaching their own inevitable physical death, not for grievers.  Thats why when you look at the stages, they make no sense in terms of someone who is grieving.

Am I "doing better" at 16 months than I was at 6 months? Probably. I don't know. Maybe. Then again, maybe I'm kidding myself and I'm not doing any better at all.  The waves still come. Sometimes the waves are giants and I'm down for the count. There will be no getting over this for me. There will be no "moving on."  Only moving through and moving forward, and half of me died when my wife passed.  Hugs to all of you.

[KayC]

Stages of Grief and Other Lies That Don't Help Anyone | HuffPost Life
The 5 Stages of Grief debunked
The Five Stages of Grief debunked
The Stages of Grief

[Suea]

These articles were very helpful. I will refer back to them often. Thank you.

[Suea]

Just when I think I am starting to control my emotions.. Wham. I picked up my groceries this morning so proud that I am able to function like a normal human. I pulled into my neighborhood and noticed a bunch of cars surrounding a corner house. I slowed down to a crawl when I noticed a lady getting something out of her car. It was Hospice. I had an immediate wave of panic wash over me. Triggered to the max, I nearly drove off the road into someone's yard. I had a friggin flashback.  Right now I am shaking.  I can't live like this the rest of my life 

[DWS]

29 minutes ago, Suea said:

Just when I think I am starting to control my emotions.. Wham. I picked up my groceries this morning so proud that I am able to function like a normal human. I pulled into my neighborhood and noticed a bunch of cars surrounding a corner house. I slowed down to a crawl when I noticed a lady getting something out of her car. It was Hospice. I had an immediate wave of panic wash over me. Triggered to the max, I nearly drove off the road into someone's yard. I had a friggin flashback.  Right now I am shaking.  I can't live like this the rest of my life 

It's all so painful and frustrating at the same time...this mix of heartbreaking sorrow and loneliness with a knowledge and half-assed determination of trying to carry on. I know, at times lately, I become a little impatient with myself for struggling at moving forward and then I remind myself what I've lost...the horrible unfairness of my partner's absence...and that helps me be a friend to myself once again.  

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Suea said:

I can't live like this the rest of my life 

(((hugs))) One day at a time, deep breaths...

[Suea]

Trying.

[Lost7]

Dear Suea

Trying is all we can do sometimes. Please keep trying I care!

Lost7 

[foreverhis]

For me and obviously except for right after, around 6 months (when I found my way here), 1 year, and 18 months were the worst times.  The 2 year anniversary was hard, but not as much as the first year.  I don't think it ever gets easy, but it does get easier to carry.

Here are a couple of threads from some time back specifically about the difficulty so many of us have at around 6 months.  I hope they help a little.

Crashing at 6 months

Pain at around 6 months

[Suea]

I read these and I could see myself in every word. Thank you for sharing these. They give me hope and understanding of this new life I now live. Wow you nailed it.