Loss of both parents (only child)

[CALivin]

Hello,

TL;DR : It's been years since my parents have passed, but I still don't feel as if I have processed it but I am also confused on how I feel about it.

I found this forum today using Google, I lost both of my parents quite a few years ago but I feel as I am still struggling today and just don't really have anyone to talk to about how I am feeling. I lost my mom back in 2010 when I was 16, and my dad in 2017 when I was 22, mom had cancer was diagnosed in Oct 2010 and passed in Dec 2010, dad passed away in his sleep from complications of diabetes.

I don't know if it was because I was young or because both of their deaths were so sudden and unexpected, but I don't think I ever really dealt with their deaths, it just kind of happened and I have had this mentality of oh well life goes on, everyone loses their parents at one point or another. My relationship with both of parents was superficial I suppose is the best way to put it, they worked a lot and I was mostly taken care of by other family members. I loved my parents don't get me wrong they provided a roof over my head and I had a great childhood but they just weren't really present. After my mom passed, my dad kind of secluded to his own little world and left me to take of myself but I was in my late teens so I didn't mind. I am only child and I was always good with that but it's so hard now when I want to talk about my parents or how I'm feeling because no one around me really understands, they all knew my parents as this young happy couple that was thriving but I have a different picture of them that I wish was easy to put into words.

I don't know really why I am putting this up, maybe to see if anyone else had this kind of relationship with a parent, where you loved them but simply because they were your parent and the relationship was just that, parent/child but they also never did anything wrong.

I'm sad but it just feels fake, being so independent from a young age affected my ability to process that I feel lonely because I have always been alone and to me it's just a state of being but the older I get the more I realize how lonely I really am and I wish I had a family.

My dad taught me to be strong after my mom passed, he would always tell me he didn't want to see me cry over anything because I had already lost the most important person in the world and nothing else could ever be as bad. My grandpa(dad's dad) passed 6 months after my mom and that was my first test to not show emotions and when my dad passed, I didn't shed a tear because I knew that's what he would have wanted from me but suppressing my feelings for so long is taking it's toll. 

Some days I want to just word vomit all of this out to someone, just so at least 1 person in my life knows I'm not okay even though I pretend that I am. I want to be this strong person who doesn't care about anything in front of everyone in my life for some reason and I don't know why. I am in therapy but it's even hard to show my therapist I am not okay, every session is also just so fake of nothing is wrong.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it felt good just to at least be able to put my feelings down somewhere. 

 

[Valerie Lockhart]

Dear CALiving,

I'm so sorry for your loses. I too have lost both of my parents. I wasn't very close to my father, so I showed very little emotion when he died. Driven by the myth that real men don’t cry, however, some boys may find it particularly hard to express their feelings. But the greatest man who ever lived openly “gave way to tears” when his friend Lazarus died. (John 11:35) And tears are certainly appropriate when one has lost a parent. So feel free to mourn and weep. You may find it helpful to put your feelings in writing. The book Giving Sorrow Words says: “Writing your feelings down can help in getting locked-up emotions out. . . . When you get angry, when you feel sad, write it down.” Coping with the death of a parent is by no means easy. But be assured that, in time, feelings of sadness will no longer dominate. Sad memories of your departed parent will still come into your mind from time to time. Yet you also have many warm and comforting memories to dwell upon. I've found it helpful to remember that Jehovah God cares for you and understands your sadness. Whenever I feel alone and abandoned, I think of the psalmist’s words: “In case my own father and my own mother did leave me, even Jehovah himself would take me up.”—Psalm 27:10. Please know that you are not alone. You can always pour out your feelings in forums like this one. Your voice will be heard by those here and God up above.

[MarkinFL]

I think it's amazing that you are functioning as well as you apparently are.  Sure, I can read clearly that it's taken it's toll to not express feelings but I also look back on how I was at 16 and even 22 and I was not able to process death and loss in the same way I am now.  I think it would be normal to be in lone wolf / survivor mode simple due to being an only child with parents that were caring but not super involved and nurturing.  I also think losing then both so young would be a shock that is just too much the process and, hence, it's catching up with you now.  Prayers for you and I am impressed you've kept putting one foot in front of the other despite all this....