Milo, my6month old cat died because of me. I am unable to live with myself

[MilosMama]

Milo was my 6 month old cat who I raised from the time he was 1 month old. He was a very affectionate and loving cat and my baby - ever ready with kisses and cuddles. I loved him very much and I know he knew it too. The last month had been very stressful for me at work, relocating to an new city etc. At the same time I didn’t get the support I needed during the move and I roughed it out on my own. Milo and I were just 2 weeks into settling into our new flat when he fell off the balcony and died. This happened 2 days ago. He was being bitey as a kitten would and I put him on timeout in the balcony. 15 mins later I noticed that he was on the ledge of the balcony and I open the sliding door to call him out to come back inside. I think my calling out  and opening the door led him to take a tumble and he fell 15 floors down. I witnessed his fall and death and it has broken me. 

I regret not netting up my balcony but I didn’t do it because I did not intend staying in this flat for long (only 2-3 months) and besides I was thinking of moving Milo to my parents’ place by end of August.

Now darling Milo is dead and I’m hearbroken. No amount of consolation is helping. I wish I had not put him at risk. I don’t know how to handle this. 

How can I get his forgiveness ? Will I ever see him again ? How can I heal before I self destruct ? 
 

HELP ! 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss! It's super hard to anticipate everything and as such I hope you'll be patient and understanding and forgiving of yourself.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
Euthanasia Decision
When Guilt Overshadows Grief
When Guilt Goes Unresolved
It is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love, and it continues still.

I hope this brings you some comfort and peace:

 

[foreverhis]

On 8/22/2022 at 9:47 AM, MilosMama said:

How can I get his forgiveness ? Will I ever see him again ? How can I heal before I self destruct ? 

This is a tragic loss for you and you are in the raw early part of grief.  I'm so sorry you lost your Milo.

About what I quoted above.  It is my personal belief that our pets forgive us instantly for our mistakes.  I believe that their pure, true souls understand far better than we humans do and that they gift us with the grace of lasting love and acceptance despite our imperfections.

I have faith that we will see them again and that the Rainbow Bridge exists, though probably not in the way we imagine it with our limited understanding of the mysteries of the universe.  My faith (not religion-specific) tells me that when my husband died he was greeted by our two most precious pets (my soul dog and his soul cat) and that they had a joyous reuinion, never to be parted again.  I hope that when it's my time, all three will be there to greet me.

And so, I believe that your Milo has forgiven you already and that you will see him again.  Kay has given you some wonderful sources to help you work through your grief and guilt.  Coming here is a good first step.  Every member here understands the depth of your grief and pain.  For me, just realizing that I truly was not alone helped be begin my own journey.

Please try to be kind to yourself.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, and also that I didn't respond sooner...I was away a few days babysitting my grandkids and my laptop decided to go out.

foreverhis is right, our pets forgive us so readily, and they seem to understand us, everything we do, we are their study.  
The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.