Totally overwhelmed

[Goforth860]

This morning I woke gasping for air I was sobbing so hard. Again! Apparently you can't cry and sleep at the same time. Well at least not sob and sleep.  I have actually woken myself up crying. But this morning like so many others I woke up gasping for air. I dream about him. Sometimes good sometimes not. This time it was good till I realized he was gone Again!  I was just so overwhelmed. I was sobbing in my dream and when I woke up I was bawling and sobbing. Actually gasping for air because I was sobbing. My lungs hurt. It was weird crying that hard in my dream but I was crying that hard in reality also. Everytime i go to sleep when i wake up reality hits me in the face that hes gone. I open my eyes and in that splitbsec everything is ok. Til my brain actually wakes up and I realize my life is as it is. His daughter was telling me the day he died I was saying that her and John's mom didn't understand how it feels. I don't remember saying that and if I said anything to that effect it was probably something along the lines of yall don't know how much this is going to effect me. I know how felicia felt to some degree.  I lost my father when I was 19 to a messed up situation.  Quick and shocking. Just like her losing John. Diane his mom. I don't know exactly how she was feeling but I have lost 2 children. So I know that loss. But to lose not one but both of your children after watching them grow into their own selves. Into adults I don't know how that feels. I can only imagine from the hurt I felt of losing my babies after hearing their heartbeat  how she could be feeling. But neither one of them have ever or will ever know the pain that I am feeling. Have either one of them stopped to think of me. He was my constant.  I woke up with him. With a cup of coffee and a cup of oj. We'd talk about what our day consisted of and us just contemplating life together. Then we'd talk several times a day. Text or call. If one of us saw something off or different or wrong we were the first ppl each other called and said guess what I just saw. Or if we just wanted to say hey and see how we were doing. I know Diane will never feel like that. She's said she destined to be alone. So she'll never have that closeness with someone intimate like that. Felicia I don't believe she will but she's still young. I pray if ernie isn't the one for her that she does find someone who she has a connection with like John and I did. If I did by chance tell her she didn't know how it felt I was telling her she didn't know how I felt. How devastating it is to me. I know they lost their son and father and I grasp that. But have they ever once taken into consideration how this has effected me. If they had they'd still be in my life but yet I'm to blame here. It's my fault. In their opinion anyway.  Dear God I miss him

 

On the note of have they thought how this has effected me I'm not trying to be conceited or self absorbed or anything to that degree. It's just they look at it from one perspective.  Theirs. Have either one of them thought of me. How devastating it is for me. I think of them. I have always taken them their feelings and their loss into consideration. I can sympathize with them. I have empathy for them. I just feel like I'm thrown to the side like garbage.  Oh she wasn't married to him. They weren't together as a cpl. No we weren't  but we were a team. We were there for and with each other. If he was sick I took care of him and him me. If I had it he had it. If he had it I had it. If he wanted it I'd get it. If I wanted it he'd get it. 100% there to for and with each other

[KayC]

It sounds to me for all intent and purposes, you were married,  

[Lost7]

Yes you sound just like a married couple. I had my mother-in-law tell me I could go out and get married again but she can't get another son, I can't tell you how deep that cut me. I will never be able to find anyone like my soulmate and I just don't believe she understood that. My husband and I have been together since 17 years old, yes she had him for 17 years but I had him for 37 I'm grateful for that. I know she suffered a loss and I don't pretend to know that pain, it just seemed in that moment she devalued my love for him.

Loss7 

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, Lost7 said:

I had my mother-in-law tell me I could go out and get married again but she can't get another son, I can't tell you how deep that cut me. I will never be able to find anyone like my soulmate and I just don't believe she understood that.

No, she doesn't understand that.  And jeez, like what?  You'll just place an order online for "new husband"?  People aren't freaking replaceable!  She's right that she'll never have her son again.  And you will never have your husband, at least in this life time.  The members here seem to realize better than most that finding our soulmates is a precious gift that we do not take lightly.  I had 35 years (37 from the time I met him when I was 23) years with my John.  He is irreplaceable.  He was and is my one love.

It's true that I do not know the loss of a child.  I have friends who've lost children, though not adults (knock wood, etc. that never happens).  Their grief and pain is something I can relate to by its breadth and depth, but not through the loss itself.  They cannot know the pain of my grief losing John.  They know that.  And so we do not compare and we do not "one up."  We do acknowledge, accept, and embrace that both are devastating and permanent.

Your mother-in-law may be speaking through her pain, but it's incredibly self-centered and hurtful to dismiss yours that way.

[Lost7]

Foreverhis

I know she was speaking through her pain and I told her how it hurt me. I forgive her because I realize in our numbing state we are not thinking clearly. I am grateful for the support here.

Hugs lost7

 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Lost7 said:

I forgive her because I realize in our numbing state we are not thinking clearly.

True, when we know they are also grieving and that is the driving force behind the remark.  You are kind to go to forgiveness first. 

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, Lost7 said:

I forgive her because I realize in our numbing state we are not thinking clearly.

So true.  It's very insightful and kind for you to acknowledge that, while at the same time letting her know that what she said hurt you.  The fact is that grief hurts in so many ways that when we can lessen that pain, it's a good thing.