Dad's Grief: Ending pregnancy due to chromosomal abnormalities (24 weeks)

[AlejandroVic]

First of all let me introduce myself, my name is Alejandro,I am from Mexico. Aged 30. My partner was 40 at the time she got pregnant, we never thought she would  get pregnant but she did... and I started dreaming from day 1.  This was a major shock, for I never wanted to have kids nor does my partner. But there she was, pregnant, and me, a dreamer, started building a new identity and future for our soon to come family. As I said, I am Mexican and there are no support groups or whatsoever within my country, so that is why I decided to take advantage of the online world in order to find some brothers/sisters in this pain, for it is too much for me to bear on my own. 

 

Well, as of now I am experiencing severe difficulties handling my grieving process, as my partner has moved on from it and I am still with excruciating pain in my soul. 

 

 

A little bit of my story:

 

Naria, my beloved daughter, was diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome when she was 24 weeks old. Me and my girlfriend we both were given a 90 % chance of death for Naria  before birth, and a life expectancy of 2 weeks. We had to take the decision to end the pregnancy and it has been 11 months since this happened. Since the story unfolded in a foreign country to me (Slovenia, since my girlfriend is Sovenian), I had no opportunity to arrange a funeral for my daughter, nor bring her ashes with me. There is not a single day I do not miss her and my heart is broken, and my soul is tainted forever.

 

 

A few notes on why my grief has become so intense:

 

1. As I said before, being Mexican, my country is full of "Macho" attitudes, where men are not supposed to cry. Much less for an "imagined" Bereavement. 
2. My  siblings do not validate the grief as they say, "she was not even born". This breaks my heart.
3. I find lots of support (Videos, forums, etc) for women, but not that much for men. Why is this so?
4. My girlfriend is tired of me being mourning for this long.  I don't want to loose her.
5. I don't want to talk to friends about it because I fear I will receive the same type. of comments, invalidating my sorrow.
6. Im also angry because some people tend to "measure" the amout of pain one must be suffering in direct proportion with things as "age" and time... well let me tell you that love has no age and follows not the rules of time. 
7. As I said, I never wanted to have kids. But then my partner got pregnant and I felt this enormous love and connection with my daughter Naria. Now my partner is 41, and I know that most likely she will never be able to get pregnant again. This fills me with rage and anger towards life.

 

 

 

 

After my daughters death, I was referred to a Psychiatrist, which prescribed me with lots of different medications, none of them really worked, only numbed the pain and gave me awful side effects. So after 10 months of this, I decided to quit antidepressants and now I am feeling this unbearable pain... but I truly feel in my heart it is the right way to go, for I was numbed with prescription drugs shortly after Naria's dead, which did not give me permission to mourn. Now I am mourning and I need help. I feel I have kept so much pain hidden in my heart that it is destroying me. 

 

 

 

 I am doing weekly CBT. Writing in a journal. Eating healthy, Exercising. Dedicating myself to grief.

 

All I want is to find some comfort and feel a little less alienated in this excruciating painful experience.

 

 

 

I sincerely hope you can help me

 

 

Truly yours, Aejandro.

[reader]

Dear Alejandro,

I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Your feelings are understandable. I hope others will come forward to offer you more support. I found this article.

https://raisingchildren.net.au/pregnancy/miscarriage-stillbirth/stillbirth-and-neonatal-death/grief-after-stillbirth-or-neonatal-death#:~:text=There's no right way to,death can help with healing.

I also found these websites helpful

Grief in Common

What's Your Grief.

Wishing you peace and comfort. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[AlejandroVic]

9 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Alejandro,

I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Your feelings are understandable. I hope others will come forward to offer you more support. I found this article.

https://raisingchildren.net.au/pregnancy/miscarriage-stillbirth/stillbirth-and-neonatal-death/grief-after-stillbirth-or-neonatal-death#:~:text=There's no right way to,death can help with healing.

I also found these websites helpful

Grief in Common

What's Your Grief.

Wishing you peace and comfort. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

Hello Reader, first of all let me thank you for reading my story and letting me share with you. Second, let me thank you for your kind response and sharing those articles.

 

And last but not least, thank you for your wishes. All the same back to you. 

[Casey IVF]

I am also a victim of a life debilitating genetic abnormality and having to abort. I feel like my dreams of being a mom were dangled in front of my heart for 12 weeks straight. I am one week on the other side and nights are the worst part. I am hoping to find a support group in Los Angeles because I can’t go back to the way things were ever again. Thinking of you. 

[AlejandroVic]

On 3/6/2023 at 11:27 PM, Casey IVF said:

I am also a victim of a life debilitating genetic abnormality and having to abort. I feel like my dreams of being a mom were dangled in front of my heart for 12 weeks straight. I am one week on the other side and nights are the worst part. I am hoping to find a support group in Los Angeles because I can’t go back to the way things were ever again. Thinking of you. 

Hi there, thanks for taking the time to read my story.

 

So sorry about your loss.  It has been 18 months for me and im still grieving. I miss Naria so much. She is my soulmate and forever will be.

 

What has helped me has been joining support groups, to share and listen other parents who have been through similar situations. 

 

If you havent found anything I would be more than glad to share my support group with you, there is a group conformed by women whove lost child.

 

For you havent lost a pregnancy, you have lost a child.

 

Thinking of you