My Heart is Shattered...

[Brittley]

I had 5 precious kittens all under a year old.

My niece was coming from work one afternoon and she saw a black kitten trailing her. It followed her all the way home and that's how I met Bella. She was probably 6 weeks old at the time.

Funny enough, I didn't like cats or be close to any animals as a matter of fact. They have soft and squishy bodies and so I just thought I would feel weird touching or holding them.

About my anxiety around cats, I thought they had really creepy eyes and the meows were just plain annoying to me. What's more is that I had this superstition that black cats bring bad luck and now there's one right outside my house lol. It took a while for me to warm up to her, I was so scared when she came close to me but eventually I fell in love. She grew up to be such a fun-loving, energetic, bold and beautiful little girl, my Bella. She has predominantly black fur with a little ginger scattered in random areas and some white on her face. At 6 months I believe, she gave birth to 4 little boys - 3 ginger bears and one mixed (grey, black, white and ginger) tabby under my niece's bed. My heart was full. Their names were Scout, Hazel, Olly and Sky. Scout was the biggest ginger (I think he was born first) and always fighting to get his milk first lol; Olly was soo cute - he had little freckles on his face which was largely white; Hazel was my tiniest ginger bear; My littlest man of the group was Sky which was the only one that came out different lol. I was surprised because I thought I would've seen little grey and white fur bears as those were the type of cats I saw around my Bella. Nonetheless, my heart was full.

Here we go..

Hazel died first at 2 days old and then Olly at 5 days. I cried in my room all day. I would check check on the babies periodically throughout each day (she moved them upstairs under my nephew's closet) and it was so disturbing knowing that I would find my kittens lifeless with a drop of blood running from their nose as I recall. After Olly's death I gave up. I couldn't bare the fact that if I check on them again, I would see another kitten gone. I was filled with anxiety and so was my Bella. Thankfully, the other 2, Scout and Sky made it through the most critical time of their young lives. She ended up moving them downstairs under my bed where they would eventually grow up and start to explore the rest of the home. They were the most adorable angel ever. I loved watching them "play fight" under the bed, grabbing onto the curtains and climbing them lol. They filled the home and my heart with so much joy and excitement. 

And then...

At approximately 9 months old, my baby Bella passed away. It was heading toward Christmas (Dec 18, 2021). My mom had finished baking her famous Jamaican Christmas cakes and my dad and I were helping to package them and writing personalized cards. My Bella brought a rat into the home and I remember screaming at her for doing it (she did this a few times) and had my dad bring her outside to carry on playing with it. That was the last memory I have of her .. screaming at her for being what she is.. It was getting late that night and I hadn't seen her back as yet. It was strange to me as she wouldn't leave her babies that long (they were about 5 weeks at this time). I tried to convince myself that maybe she came inside already and went back out. She likes to be outdoors. I went into my room hoping I would see her curled up beside her 2 boys but no, she was still missing. Deep down I felt something was off. I went upstairs to my balcony and called for her (when I do this, she would meow back and come to me). I didn't hear her voice. I kept shouting louder and louder hoping she would hear me if she went too far. still nothing. I asked my neighbours if they had seen her and nobody saw her except for the night before. Something was wrong with my baby, I just knew it. I went to Christmas church service with my parents and the whole time my mind was on her. I was still hopinggg so hard that my baby would just show up when I got home and relieve my aching heart. No Bella.

One of my neighbours approached us and told us that while he was on his way home, he saw y Bella up the road. Immediately I was overcome with joy knowing my baby was in fact okay but he didn't finish.. He saw her laying lifeless near a courthouse which was down the road from us. He had gone home, taken a box with him and placed her in it until we got back. I  didn't believe. I had to see her for myself. Maybe he was mistaking my Bella for another cat. I ran to the box and saw my young baby lying there with her collar still around her neck and an injury to her nose. Did someone throw something at her? Was she in a scramble with another animal? Was she poisoned? Still to this day I ask these questions. What happened to my one and only princess? The first cat that made me fall in love with cats. My first baby. My precious and perfect baby, not even a year old. The third death and not to mention leaving behind her 2 kittens who kept asking me, "where is mommy?". I just looked at them and started crying, I didn't know what to do. I could not fathom what happened. My baby is gone... 

I even felt guilty because I was so overwhelmed with grief I shut my kitties out for a while. I felt so bad I ran and hugged them that same night and spent the rest of the night with them watching movies until daylight and telling them stories about their mom and how perfect she was. I wish she had more time with them, more time with me. I was planning to give her a big feast for Christmas in her new bow I would've gotten her. She loved food lol. After her passing, I started thinking differently: Instead of being so sure that plans were going to happen, I just began saying "hopefully they/I live long enough for this to happen." I got so gloomy and pessimistic. I expected anything after this. But as in life, we look back and cherish the good times and I eventually learned to get by better. I loved my kittens and they grew soo much, my big babies.. My little big man (Sky) and my big little man (Scout).

Just 4 days ago, (Monday, August 15, 2022) my dad told me Sky vomited some brown stuff in the living room. This was the 3rd time throughout his life that he threw up (he would eat the food from our plates sometimes) so I was like: "what did he eat this time?" We brushed it off as nothing serious but who would ever thought that this would be the beginning of my baby's end. I took a break from work (I work from home) and comforted him. I could tell he was sick. He went from my bubbly and bouncy boy to hiding and being lethargic. I said I would give it 24 hours and if he's not better, I will send him to the vet. Things only took a turn for the worse .. he was not eating, rapid breathing and my baby could barely walk. I left work instantly and took him to the vet. 

They said he had a urinary blockage. I didn't even know my bay was that sick. It was so freakin' sudden. No symptoms until the day before and it wasn't that bad that I thought it would something so LIFE-THREATENING. They told me they would catheterize him, which is the standard procedure and IF it's not successful they would give him emergency surgery. It was just screaming chaos to me. I lost my mind. I didn't know what to do. My poor baby lying on the vet table so weak and in pain and then they tell they're going to have to anesthesize him. I called my mom and she told me to let them do it and hope for the best. Then they go ahead and tell me I have to leave my baby there overnight and when I asked who was going to supervise him, they said NOONE would BE there until morning. Like WTH! This is Jamaica SMH. My poor baby cried when they took him from me I gave him his final kiss on his forehead before they took him away from me. I couldn't stand to hear him crying for me when I was leaving. I told them to take him out of the cage and give him back to me. But they said it's best to leave him her and that he has company of other animals. I cried when I heard him crying for me. He was so scared. I shouldn't have left him. I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT HIM. I couldn't top thinking about him when I was home. I was at least a little hopeful that my baby was going to be saved and get back to his happy self.

Lo and behold, the next day. I was just checking for the time to see of they had started (they open at 10 am). I t was 11 am, good. My mom came to me and asked if I would call them to check up on my baby. I told her to do it for me since I would be working on the phone. She came to me with news that they did the procedure and he passed out blood. They were going to have to put him on saline for rehydration and that it would cost more money. I said fine, let them do it. I don't think was even an hour later when she came back with the news that my baby passed because he was so weak after the procedure, it took a heavy toll on his body. Now I'm thinking maybe I should've let him done an X-ray first to see the actual problem but then I start thinking that maybe it's nothing too serious and he'll fine after the being treated via catheter. I could've brought him to the vet sooner. I always said I would've brought them for check-ups, and I didn't. I always found something to prioritize over doing so and now I know I had a hand in this happening. If only I got them examined by a vet it wouldn't have come to this. Sky is gone.. 

My 4th baby.. I am now lost and in a mental space I'm not sure I can get back from. I try to distract myself but that's pointless. I started reading about how to deal with the loss a pet and I ended up here. It is now 3 am as I'm typing with my eyes swollen, and Scout is right next to me looking for his brother. He has been outside all night and last night searching for him and I cry for him. He's my only baby left. I am happy that he remembers his brother now but I am also hurt that he is confused and so lonely. At the same time, I wish he can forget so he can stop looking as this makes my heart cry but I don't want him to; and the thing is, he eventually will, with time. I don't know how long he has left. I love him and will love him until his or my time comes but as of right now I'm just existing. This is just too many losses for me. My heart is dying, it's shattered. The things I love are not staying in my life long enough. I just came here to air out what's inside. Idk if it will change anything but I felt like venting through writing and sharing my devastating story with others. Sigh.

 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry..  I recently took in a feral cat it took me months to gain his trust, but I have.  And it scares me.

My heart goes out to you in all your losses.  Maybe this last one will be the one that makes it?  

Your one that is left is undoubtedly grieving...
Grieving Pet

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

Give your heart the time it needs to grieve.  

 

[Eternalsoul]

@Brittley

 

I understand so much. I feel the same way. 

 

How's your other baby doing? 

 

[Brittley]

Hi @Eternalsoul He's doing great and big now. He turned 1 in November, finally! He loves to get into fights though whenever he goes outside. I'm going to get a new litterbox and have him stay inside. Too many scratches.

Oh, and did I mention that he has a little friend now?. I named him Tender. He was super sweet (he's a little rebel now lol) Looks almost like my little Sky. I was in shock when I saw him standing at my gate (he ran inside the house to get food lol)

And another strange little thing happened .. just about 2 months ago, I found another kitten,-  about 6 weeks, at the front of my house (she looked EXACTLY like my Bella). I took her in, of course but had to bring her to an animal adoption center sigh. Unfortunately, sir Tender was being a bit too touchy for my liking so I had to put her somewhere safe. I miss her so much. 

How are you feeling now?

[Brittley]

Hi @KayC Appreciate it so much. 

How are things going with your new kitty?

[KayC]

Panther is very feral so lives outdoors, he's tearing up my posts on my patio and ramp, huge 1" gouges, out of them, will cost a fortune to replace!  But alas it's part of being a cat owner.  He and Kodie (my pup) definitely love and have relationship with each other.  They play through the patio door, but I can't open it in the summer so may have to let him into the front fence to play with Kodie in the summer.  

I'm glad you've found kitties to be part of your life now!

And yes, I have wondered how @Eternalsoul and some of the others that used to come here are doing....