Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted August 18, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted August 18, 2022 Hi everyone. Well, it happened. One of my newer friends lost her husband of 30 years suddenly about 10 days ago. A few days before that, she and I were blithely planning our peach jam making session. Side note: This is the first year I've been able to find the strength to make jam since I lost John, my best partner in everything--including canning. Three of my friends volunteered to rotate being my kitchen partners and it's actually been a really good and cathartic time. My friend and I had made plum jam just a week before that. She's an experienced jam maker (my other partners are not--that is "were not" as they took to it like a duck to water), so we had a glorious time canning 12 jars and then splitting the leftover while talking and laughing and getting to know each other better. I had only recently met her husband before he headed to their cabin out of state, where she was to join him. He was a delight. He's an artist and like my baby sister, loves to use found items in his sculptures. In fact, we had planned for him and my sister to meet during their next visit. He was going to show her his home sculpture garden and studio (he did mostly pastels, which are gorgeous). Like my sister, it seems he often experimented with new things. She is a member of our small group of friends. We meet once a week for an outdoor yoga class taught by a dear friend (Raleigh's mom, actually). We also do other things in various groupings and individually. It was such a shock to learn that he had died at the cabin. The night before they had had their usual evening phone call. The next morning, he was gone. I am the only other member of our group who has lost her husband, so the others did look to me for a little guidance on what to say, etc. right now. I told them a few of the things I've learned and some of what helped and what didn't/doesn't. Two of her best friends, part of our group, dropped everything and left with her the next day to drive to the cabin (12 hours; they stopped at a hotel overnight) and to help her with the first round of legal and logistical needs. The rest of us were so relieved that they would literally be there for her. They sent texts and photos along the way and during their time there to our group text so that we'd all be a part of it. She stayed at the cabin before driving their car home. In part, I'm pretty sure she stayed because she needed a few days of solitude, which we all understand all too well. When our other friends got home, one commented to me that she knew it would sound bizarre or maybe wrong, but in some ways it was a good trip, being all together and sharing memories. She said they laughed some, cried a lot, and were just "there" for her. I told her no, it's not strange or wrong at all and that grief is every emotion imaginable, including laughter and happy memories. And I said that the very best thing she and our other friend did was simply be there, no questions asked, letting her guide their time together. Our friend is home now and nesting in quietly for the time being. One friend mentioned in the group text that she hoped we'd see her at our yoga class next week. Our friend's response was just so spot on: We'll see. It's "one minute at a time." I had to smile at that because we all know just how true that is! I checked in by text today and she responded, "I knew you would understand." I sure do understand why she's isolating right now. I am making 100% certain that her loss and grief are all about her and not about me. I will not say, "When John died..." etc. I will simply sit in silence with her if that's what she wants. I will let her talk and cry and laugh and rage. And I will do these things knowing not exactly how she feels, but with a deeper understanding than most others we know. I'm heartbroken for her and for her husband and their family. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DWS Posted August 19, 2022 Members Report Share Posted August 19, 2022 She is so very fortunate to have you as an understanding friend to lean on and be heard. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 19, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted August 19, 2022 12 hours ago, foreverhis said: We'll see. It's "one minute at a time." Exactly. And she's realizing her instinct. That is good. I am sorry for her loss...I know you'll be there for her. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted August 20, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted August 20, 2022 Sorry to hear this but you will be invaluable in this time.... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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