Struggling to process mom's death

[MarkinFL]

I posted this as a response initially to another thread but it's also my struggle.

My mom also died of cancer a little over 2 months ago.  At first it seemed like she was just giving up but then she rallied, had a 2nd wind of sorts and then got worse over a 6 month period.  I had gone to say goodbye to her when it looked like she was going to die in January.  That was awful and the hardest thing to do as I live 1000 miles away.  We continued to have weekly zoom family meetings with my sisters and parents and it was very hard watching my mom get sicker and sicker to the point she couldn't even sit up and then was bedridden.  I've been pushing it all down since she died and kind of just get smacked and leveled by waves of grief when it catches up to me.  Things like seeing my mom waste away to being almost a skeleton, losing all her hair, having accidents, collapsing on the floor and not being able to get up, and the family having to lift her up and even call 911.  It was also traumatizing watching my dad go through all that as she was always the one to take care of him and we never thought my mom would go first.   They were together for almost 59 years.  She was the one always in control and such a dynamic force.  I also struggle that I was away (even though present on video calls and over the phone a lot) and my sisters (particularly 1 sister who lives in the same town as my parent) got exposed to so much more of the nitty gritty and daily struggles first hand and I was 1000 miles away.  I feel guilty even though I know it's not fully rational and my mom would not want me to feel that way and my sisters have told me to not feel that way.

 

Losing your mom from cancer is horrible.  You only get one mom in life and it stirs up so much stuff to go through the loss and at the end to not have that person who provided you with the most love and nurturing to begin with.  I have been having periods of depression and anxiety (which I have had for decades anyway) but I literally thought it was not fully related to my mom as I new she was dying for months, accepted it, and even wanted it to happen in the end so she would not suffer.  I have been wondering "what the heck am I so anxious about?  Why do I feel in a funk?  What's wrong with me?"  My therapist and spouse say it is  obviously about my mom and I've been like "no, I'm not even thinking  about that."  Maybe that was the problem.  I don't know but it's like a flood when I let myself  think about it to this degree.  Been sobbing the whole time writhing this.

[reader]

Dear MarkinFL,

(((hugs))) I am so sorry for your devastating loss. It's normal and natural to feel raw, emotional and hurt and sad about everything. Grief levels us all. 

It takes time to process our thoughts and feelings. Please know we are here to listen and support you in anyway we can. x 

[Valerie Lockhart]

Dear MarkinFL,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost my grandfather to cancer and watched him slowly deteriorate. 

Since cancer is a very personal battle, what helped me to cope is having a strong faith. I've found that prayer, which is communication with God, can have a very calming influence. As the Bible states: “Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let your petitions be made known to God; and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.”—Philippians 4:6, 7.

I've also learned that according to fulfilled Bible prophecy, the time is near when God “will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” Yes, under God’s Kingdom rule, cancer, along with all other scourges, will be eliminated. That time is near.—Revelation 21:3, 4; Luke 21:29-33.

I hope that you too can draw comfort from the scriptures and know that you're not alone. God will listen to your prayers and strengthen you.