My Baby Boy of 17 years

[Ryan N]

3 Days ago I lost my boy Axel of 17 yrs, I was 15 years old when I picked him up. Apparently his heart decided to finally give up on him that being said he never showed weakness and you sure would have never guessed his age except for the whites he grew on his face and throughout his body and maybe what appeared to be him starting to go partially blind. I work overnights and in the morning he greeted me as he always did happier than ever the day went on as usual, fast forward around 4pm I go to sleep before work he comes cuddles between my legs I abruptly wake up around 10 30 PM to him coughing followed by a noise I have never heard before and my wife comes in and sees him on the floor making a facial expression id rather not portray . We rush to the Emergency Vet and they immediately take him and put him on oxygen. They hit me with all the paperwork and the steps their going to attempt to take to save his life and she asks if it comes to it do you want us to attempt to revive him one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make due to his age I said no. Fast forward about an hr later a call comes in its now around 1:30 AM, I knew immediately what that meant.

Here I am currently at work putting on my I'm ok face. I have slept for 16 hrs a day since with no tears left to cry, my severe depression that took me 10 years+ to overcame instantly came spiralling back. I did not get to be by his side when it happened and what's worse is on the way to the vet even in his despair he moved his head back from against my girl to look at me almost as to say I don't know what's happening right now but this is it.. Only person even remotely supporting is my sister and my girl, my mom and brother are absolutely on ignore completely right now. I have had my gun loaded on my desk for 2 days now "not cocked". I am beyond myself I am lost mentally I am unstable and I know I will never be the same. I absolutely want to die and I have the means to quickly do it but I cannot leave my girl as she has going through this with me in the same way. I attempted to make a share my thoughts on Facebook but no one really understands and simply do sad emojis ect ect. I get he was older but there was zero signs it literally came out of no where with absolutely zero warning. I constantly see him I know what he does before he does it all his go to spots in the house and I cant stop seeing him!!! Am I insane?!?!

I received his ashes yesterday with a cut of his fur and a clay mould of his paw print. I just don't know what to do anymore but it seems like one way another in life I'm always suffering hence the 10+ yrs of severe depression. Anyways thanks for hearing my Sad Sob Story also he was a 17 year old Deer head chihuahua furthermore my son and best friend ever for 17 years, life is so cruel for dogs no matter what they come and go within our life span and we have to pick up the pieces.

 

[Benjismommy]

Hi Ryan, 

I am so so sorry that you lost your beloved Axel. I know exactly how you are feeling. I came to this site to get some support so keep talking here, it helps to chat to people in the same situation. You are not alone, just know that!! 
 

Axel was a great age at 17yrs but I know no matter how much time we have with our fur babies, it is never ever enough. We never want to lose them. Part of your heartache is the sudden passing of Axel. It all happened so fast. I understand this 100%. It is 3 weeks tomorrow since I lost my beautiful doggy Benji. He was only 9.5yrs old. I wrote about him on this page. He ran up the garden to go pee like he done a thousand times before but he fell this time. When he didn’t return 5mins later, my dad found him behind a wall. We rushed him to the vet hoping it was broken leg but we feared spinal damage too as he had a paralysis in his right legs. He wagged his tail though which gave me hope. We left him at the vets for an X-ray and the vet rang maybe 10/15mins later to say my baby had broke his neck. I would have done anything under the sun to save him, but there was no option. I was given the choice of putting him to sleep or see if he made it until the morning but the second option ran the risk of him cutting off his own air supply. I chose to send him peacefully with me and my family by his side, as I couldn’t face him lying injured in the empty vet office for night and potentially dying alone  

It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. The first couple of days were a blur as I was in shock and then when we buried Benji, I knew it was final. Honestly, every day is absolute torture without him and I even considered if life was worth living but I couldn’t put this pain I feel right now on my family and I’ve two other dogs to care for. I couldn’t leave them behind, even though I am in so much pain. My advice to you, is just hang in there, take one hour and one day at a time. Keep talking here. 
 

and no you are not insane. I see Benji everywhere and it makes me so upset that he is not there. When I walk my other two dogs, I imagine him running alongside. He loved swimming and we haven’t gone back to the lake since. I see him curled up in his bed, sitting on his spot on the couch, lying in the yard in the sun. It’s just so not fair, I wanted more years with my baby. I can’t get my head around that he gone. 
 

This is my Benji. 

[AJWCat]

Ryan,

I am so sorry to read your story and for your sudden loss of Axel. We are never prepared for the loss no matter how old or sick they may be. So, you had some initial shock and yes, you do feel insane with grief. I sure did losing my cat. 

You said it, we have to pick up the pieces and find a way to keep going. (Also, please do NOT harm yourself!!)

I know it feels like this darkness will last forever. You can't imagine feeling this bad for the rest of your life. You will not. You will find a way to heal from this loss and Alex's memory deserves that because you honor him and your memories by being the person that he loved and adored all these years. Do not throw that away.  

[Ryan N]

Thank you Benjismommy and AJWCat for your kind words I debated opening up this post again because I knew  would cry before I even opened it up which I did. I am very sorry for Benji he was adorable and it seems your experience was also so very sudden and painful. I don't have a lot of experience with loss and I think it hits so hard because of the immense amount of memories obtained throughout a 17 year span and what I cant seem to mentally cope with is the vision that continues to replay in my head of how he greeted me in the morning when I got home from work he was literally his normal self tail wag, his little back stretch and last but not least his happy face not a worry in the world and then nightfall hits and he is now a cremated box of ashes with no emotion or anything. I work grave shift which is unfortunate because I tend to be in my thoughts a lot more at night. Worst part about it all is a lot of this is coming down on my girl when she loved him just as much as I did and she is just much stronger than me. I think his little fur cut in a bag hits me the most as it gives me more of a visual realism of the fact he's gone I did not even go into my gaming room today because I knew that baggie of fur was on my desk and I avoided it so I did not cry. I am trying to be strong as I have no choice but I guilt myself because in some weird way I feel like I deserve to suffer even though my wife has told me a million times over I don't.

[KayC]

@Ryan N  I am so sorry for your loss, the unexpectedness of it all, it's hard at any time, but gosh, you've had this dog for 17 years!  That is a long time.  PLEASE do not harm yourself!  It's important to give yourself time to process your grief.  Tell your wife what you are feeling, have her put the gun in a safe place....from you.  The problem with guns is, they can be too tempting...with eternal consequences.

Your feelings of guilt don't need to make sense, they just are, we all go through this in early grief, thinking of all the different possible outcomes we could have had, if only...Feelings are not fact and needn't make sense, they just are...to deal with.  The truth is, the outcome that happened is too unpalatable so we try to think of other ones we can handle better, only there really aren't any other than what took place.  And it's so hard to wrap our heads around.  How can they just be here one minute and not the next?  How can the sun go on shining?  Doesn't it know my __(fill in blank)__ is gone?

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[Ryan N]

Hi KayC, thank you very much for your words of wisdom, I am in a dark place and as of right now as I try to figure this mess out he had an amazing life and from I have read thus far we all seem to be filled with this notion of "what could I have done differently or changed". As a sucker for punishment I recently watched auto saved motion detection clips from the camera inside my home (for protection and safety of mind purposes) and I'm sure you can figure out what I saw tons of. I'm severely struggling with any form of acceptance and I get so angry......why not 1 more year or 2 or 3 or forever  . I would love to be a super positive person right now and keep a good perspective such as it will get better but the truth of the matter is will it? Severe depression for so many years has scarred my brain dearly into thinking it will never be ok nor will it ever get better. I laid in my bed from 9 am to 10pm yesterday no joke ordered Chinese food zero motivation. The Selfish side of me wont let me move on because I cant have these memories fade and the dark side of me says a dog that wanted nothing but love and attention is now gone and alone now because the truth is in death we are all alone at least at first we all experience it in a sense by ourselves. If someone walked up to me and told me he's waiting for me and once your time comes you will be reunited I think my mentality could recover almost instantly (wishful thinking). From a lot of peoples post on this forum there are so many bright strong supportive people in recovery and then there's me stuck in this loop of replay that just wont accept what has happened. I think the only thing that has given me any form of anything was he was on the older side but in my perspective he was my young boy of 17 small not enough years.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Ryan N said:

the truth of the matter is will it?

Yes...not that you'll ever be okay with it, but it does settle into something more tolerable, we learn to carry our grief inside of us.  It changes us, who we are and we are no longer the person that took life for granted or that things will continue to go on like they did.  BUT, I have learned a lot in grief.  I lost my dad in my 20s, my grandparents years later, my cousin, my 3 year old nephew when I was 14, a nearly 2 year old niece in my 30s.  I am no stranger to grief.  Aunts, uncles, my family is shrinking, even two of my sisters are gone now.  This last one 3/28, we were in each other's lives daily, I took care of her, it still kills me inside that I can't tell her things.  She was very disabled and had dementia, so it wasn't easy, but still, it was a shock.  I've lost 25 dogs and cats over the years, plus birds and fish.  The hardest being my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, three years ago August 16.  But it was Father's Day June 19th, 2005 when my world changed forever...I lost my soulmate and best friend, the love of my life, George.  We'd only been married 3 years 8 months to the day.  We thought we had years left together!  I was shocked.  No one realizes how much it changes your life.  And quite honestly, losing Arlie felt much the same...don't let anyone downplay your grief.  Don't let them tell you, "Well at least it's not a child."  Or any other such nonsense.  I've learned on my grief journey not to compare because comparisons devalue.  Yes we relate to others on our grief journey, that's part of empathizing, but comparing losses, NO!

I learned to grow moxie with the death of my husband.  I learned to truly stand up for myself now that my protector and advocate was gone.  I have only me so I have to be it.

I wrote an article ten years after the death of my husband, it was with loss of soulmate in mind, but much of it applies in other grief relationships, particularly pets...I say that because our pet is the one we are so close to, interact with, form daily rituals with.  Plus they are so loving, so supportive, they literally live to please us!  It's no wonder we form such a close bond with them.  IMO, they are truly God's gift to us and we can only hope to deserve them.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

 

3 hours ago, Ryan N said:

not enough years.

They are never enough.

[Masitah]

@Ryan N same here. It's hard not to dwell on it and it's hard to act like everything is normal. I feel guilty for eating, for even going to shower for sleeping. I managed to sleep last night but I dreamed of my baby, I was chasing him but he kept on avoiding me. It's just all so painful and raw. I believe your dog was full of love and for sure it's true when people said that it's not our pet that needs us, we actually need them more. I still cannot process the passing of my cat, my house feels really quiet and his sister has been looking for him non stop but believe me one thing, your dog wouldn't want you to feel this way, and in fact our pets are not in pain anymore. I saw my cat struggling to breathe a brief moment before his passing and I wish that it was me that felt that way instead of him. Please, forgive yourself. It's not your fault, you know that. You wouldn't let those things happened but it just happened and it's definitely not within your control. I'm sending tremendous love to you, and I know that you have brought light to this world for him and any other dogs would have asked to have you as their owner as well. You are amazing and I am so proud of you. Stay strong