Coming up on 6 years and the grief is resurfacing in new ways

[4Hdad]

Just a heads up, this will be a long and kind of a bummer post. I have no solace to offer the grieving. This is where I am and I am, currently, unapologetic in my belief, which isn't comforting in the least, but is as honest as I can be.

I lost my wife suddenly in late August of 2016. No warning. I awoke to find her gone. We were devastated. 

The 6 year anniversary of that day is approaching. Over the years, many things have changed. Our kids came of age and moved out. my mother in law moved out. As the dust began to settle, I found myself more alone than I have ever been. I thought I had held it all together pretty well under the circumstances. I was wrong.

I understand that all things die. It is the way of the world. I thought I understood loss, that I was mindful of my grief, and that it may feel like it has passed only to come up again at a later date because it never really goes away. I expect it to resurface from time to time, and here it is again. It feels different this time. It feels worse. Life feels futile.

I've been working from home since the pandemic began, and I don't go out much at all, partly due to the circumstances of the times, partly by choice. In the midst of this physical, mental, and emotional isolation, I find that I miss my wife more and more.

I'm still seeing a fantastic, understanding, flawed woman, but we don't spend as much time together as we used to. To make a long story less boring, it's the same old tale - we fell in love, she cheated on me, was found out and lied about it, finally came clean, at which point I broke it off, then took her back. This is only to explain that there is a distance between us that unlikely to ever be fully bridged. I never again want to feel the loss of having everything you believed in ripped away from you in a heartbeat. I felt that in spades with the sudden loss of my wife. I felt a much milder version of that loss with this woman whom I love but can't trust completely. 

My marriage wasn't perfect. We had problems, but infidelity was not one of them. We had built a kind of distance between us, but looking back, it was a lazy kind of distance. We didn't actively avoid doing things together, but we developed our own hobbies and interests outside of one another. It was lazy, but it was comforting knowing that, even through everything we had been through, we would be there for each other to the end. In that way, we were never really alone. I think, more than ever, I am feeling that loss and the accompanying loneliness eating away at me. Hell, for a while I thought I'd be better off completely alone, like I'd be happier if everyone just...left. As it turns out, that was only partially true. There are plenty of people who I am happy are no longer in my life. Some of my wife's family, for example. **** those clowns and the car they poured out of. As those people were cast out of my life or left of their own volition, they were not replaced. I tightened my circle and I don't miss most of them. I miss my family, and I accept that it isn't coming back.

My oldest daughter and I see each other weekly and talk frequently. My youngest and I are estranged - we haven't spoken in nearly three years. Her choice, which I must respect, even as I miss her in my life. I have a brother nearby with a lovely family. I hardly ever see them because they are busy doing their thing, living their lives. Don't get me wrong, I have no resentment about that at all. I don't want to become a part of that dynamic not because I don't love them to pieces or because I wouldn't be welcome - I know I would be if I reached out. I don't want that because I've had what they have and now it's gone, all of it. I want what I had, warts and all. It was mundane, often boring, frequently difficult, sometimes painful, and very messy, and I miss it all so god damned much. 

It feels selfish, like I'm not really grieving the loss of my wife, but the loss of my own life. Maybe it is and maybe I am. Maybe that's only a part of it, and it isn't selfish to recognize that very real loss. I miss my wife. I miss our messy, imperfect life together. I miss my life that died with her. The death of my wife was the beginning of the slow death of me. 

I realize that sounds morbid and dramatic, but it's true. Everything dies. Everything. Maybe it always was this way and our life together was simply a construct, a lovely scaffolding we created to obscure a futile existence. In that case, I miss the illusion and I wish I had appreciated it more before it was torn away. I am grieving my wife and our life together, and having seen the illusion for what it is, I'm unlikely to ever invest in it again. I'll go to work in the morning and pay my bills on time. I'll listen to music and I'll stumble into something that feels meaningful from time to time. I'll smile when I need to and pretend to care about all of the petty gripes and bullshit from the people around me. I'll have a few of my own tedious complaints, and they will seem important for a time, but I'll inevitably return to the only place of solace I've found; in knowing that these trappings of life are not important. None of it. From here on out, it's all just a slow march to the grave. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm in no hurry to leave this world and I won't self destruct. Knowing it's futile does not relieve me of the responsibility of living. People around me will go through this, or something like it, when I'm gone. That's inevitable, but it wont be because I gave up. 

Also, I mean no disrespect and don't intend to demean or undermine anyone's beliefs by expressing my own. If you find meaning or value or purpose in this world, or if you find comfort in the idea of a great ineffable plan, I'm happy for you. I don't buy it, but I am happy for you that you have that. As for me, I'll just keep building my own crude facsimile of a life in a way that eases the doldrums. But inside of me, I will know it's hollow. 

Like I said at the beginning, long, and perhaps not at all comforting, but honest. 

[DWS]

4 hours ago, 4Hdad said:

Like I said at the beginning, long, and perhaps not at all comforting, but honest. 

Your post is honest and because of that, there lies some comfort within it for many of us who grieve. Within these tumultuous times of loss, void and despair, we're often cheered on and convinced that things will get better as time moves along...and even though, we don't want to live a life where there is no hope of that, I think we can often hurt and delude ourselves by thinking that there will be that moment when this will all be left in the past. That, somehow, we will magically rejoin the happy-go-lucky crowd again. 

But what I really think happens to most of us instead is that we acquire more self-awareness. When the satisfaction of a comfortable, loving companionship lifestyle has been ripped away...even if it veered into some sense of mundaneness...we are left with, not only deep sorrow and confusion, but the cruel loss of the stable, "normal" life. It's as if we were tossed out of the huge nest of common culture. So we're then left with emptiness and questions. Without my person, how do I get back what I had? How do I carry on without what I had? What is it now that I want? How do I get back to being included in everyday society? Do I want to? 

In your specific case, now that the kids have grown and moved out, you're left without the daily busy-ness of them and an empty household. Six years later, your aloneness gives you much more time to think, reminisce, grieve, pine, and ponder. For us left grieving, it can be an awful place to end up. For so many of us, all we want is a return to that stable, sometimes boring life but without it now, it can present a time to become enlightened and aware of a lot of things we didn't see before....that's provided that we don't try to "buck up" and shove our emotions downward to please the others as well as please our egos. 

It's an intriguing conversation and perhaps an important one for many of us here. I hope you post more. 

[KayC]

I don't think I could or would accept a cheater back, but I respect your decision and hope the best for you, I totally understand your mixed bag of feelings and mean no disrespect.  I'm glad your daughter has continued contact with you.  My kids, not so much.  It seems life has moved on for everyone but me.  It's been 17 years and I'm growing old alone.  You're still working and have some contact out in the world.  My world is drawn inward it seems.  

If there is a "plan" in any of this, I don't know what it is.  I try not to give it much ado.  I trust God to know what He is doing, but as far as thinking there's a master plan...I guess I don't because that would negate our freedom to choose, and effects of our choices on our lives.  But I may be all wrong too.

[DMB]

That is a very honest and well written post. Sorry to hear of your loss.  Sudden deaths are hard and I find harder or maybe the correct wording is it takes longer to process.

My father died suddenly and my mother was not herself.  An uncontrolled diabetic and she was suffering from dementia mostly having little to no short term memory. I was unable to process or grieve for my father as I went right into caregiver mode.  It was during that year that my late husband started taking care of household things and finances since I was not home much.  He would see me break down from exhaustion and he was my rock, my support, and at that point in our marriage he had redeemed himself to me and we forgave one another for everything and anything we did to each other over the years. He and I then stepped in to help out his mother and step dad in the following 2 years after my mothers death.  Four years of death, dying, dialysis, dementia, placing both Mom and mother in law in assistant living facilities. Absolutely I wish I could have most if not all of these 4 years back.  Now that I can look back, I did it, got mad about it, and now I can say that I did it.  Was it an honor?  Hardly. I just happen to possess a bit more empathy than other family and friends when it came to taking care of the elders.  My husband was too.

When he got sick, it was a terminal diagnosis right off the bat, so we did take life one day at a time.  His last months came right at the start of the pandemic.  While we were thankful to all be in same house almost (daughter was teacher and came home when they shut the schools)-I was able to work remotely, and our son only lives down the road would stick his head in most everyday.  I tried to keep him out of a hospital setting but we weren't yet set up with hospice care.  We thought the next appointment he had is where we would discuss no further treatment.  That day he was weak and short of breath but walked out of the house on his own only to have his Dr. call for transport to the hospital. That was hard as no one was allowed in until they got him admitted.  Then it was one 1 person allowed.  His last day being special they did let me and our kids in.

Since his death, I've been medicated, I'm still working, and trying everyday not to self destruct.  I have another thread here called the Mission that keeps me going.  My march to grave started on a cold snowy late January day in 2014.  My life has not been and will not be the same.  Mom died in Feb. 2015.  I was diagnosed with a stage 2 breast cancer in 2018. Father in law passed in Nov of 2019 and we had to take over mother in laws care.  She was placed in a home and I insisted that no one in the family tell her about her sons sickness and definitely not his death.  She passed 3 weeks after he did.  

Sorry to go on, I'm just ready almost.  My names already on the grave, and I have pleaded with my children that whatever happens, just take me somewhere, don't up root your lives taking care of me.  I just want to go.

[Jemiga70]

@4Hdad  Thank you so much for your well written post.  I'm sorry for your loss and all your secondary losses.  I wish I could take the pain away for all of us.  I'm just 15 months in.  My wife died in front of me at hospital.  I was helpless to do anything but touch her and beg her not to leave as the doctors frantically worked to save her.  They tried to kick me out of the room but I wouldnt budge.  I've been traumatized, and for the most part hate what life has become.  I am trying EMDR therapy to get the sadness down because I believe at the core of grief is sadness.  I'm only 52 but wish I were 92 and on my last round; too young and restless to retire, too jaded -- at least for the time being -- to care about "rebuilding" something.  However I will say that there are indeed days when I find it easier to be grateful for what I DO have; so many people have it so much worse.

Also thank you to all who responded to 4Hdad's post.  Your words are appreciated.  I appreciate you all.  This is one of the few places I can come and feel like people REALLY get it.

[KayC]

For those who don't know...EMDR

@DMB I don't recall hearing your story altogether like this before, wow, you guys went through a LOT!  My heart goes out to you.  You deserve to have someone take care of you like you did for parents and parents in-law all that time.  And then to go through it with your husband...

[Roxeanne]

On 8/17/2022 at 10:25 AM, 4Hdad said:

It feels selfish, like I'm not really grieving the loss of my wife, but the loss of my own life. Maybe it is and maybe I am. Maybe that's only a part of it, and it isn't selfish to recognize that very real loss. I miss my wife. I miss our messy, imperfect life together. I miss my life that died with her. The death of my wife was the beginning of the slow death of me. 

4Hdad these are the things i'm feeling too...we're grieving also the life we had with our loved ones! It's impossible separate the two...

we're missing the person who made possible a life worthy of being lived !

And if it feels selfish who cares ? It's our reality...

after 4 years i know you can regain a life but i'm feeling  a stranger in a foreign land, not anchored , dragged by the current..alone in a crowd!

It's not the same life anymore!

You have to adapt 'cos it's the only way to live, but i'd would like to take him back with all the problems...as you!

Unfortunately it's just the thing can never happen!

On 8/17/2022 at 10:25 AM, 4Hdad said:

Everything dies. Everything. Maybe it always was this way and our life together was simply a construct, a lovely scaffolding we created to obscure a futile existence. In that case, I miss the illusion and I wish I had appreciated it more before it was torn away.

I couldn't have said it better!

I miss that illusion too!