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[Lost7]

Hello

I am new to this. I am one that is usually a strong person who takes care of everyone else. I lost my love of my life January 5th 2022 to COVID. This was the year that we had worked so hard for had planned to retire and enjoy our very first grandchild who was born 5 days before my husband passed. I have been reading post here for a couple of weeks now and just wanted to put myself out there and say 7 months feels like 7 minutes ago, I can't seem to quit crying we were married 37 years. He was my everything, my best friend, the love of my life. I spend a lot of time with my granddaughter and I just can't believe he's not here to share her with me It feels like I'm just going through the motions I want to feel joy but it just doesn't seem to come. My husband was an only child and I see his mother every Sunday and spend the day with her It has been hard on her as well. I have two grown sons one who is married. I'm crying too hard to write anything else.

[Diane R. E.]

Lost7; I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish with all my heart that I could ease your pain. For now, let the tears flow. My husband passed away one year and 10 months ago, and like you, we were setting out to begin our retirement together after 38 years of marriage. We had just moved from MN to the Phoenix area and were excited to explore our new community. Unfortunately he had to be hospitalized six days after we got here and after four weeks in the ICU he passed away. So although every grief journey is unique, I can relate to your pain. I can also say that the passing of time does blur the edges of grief as we learn how to manage it, even though it will never go away. Here are a few things I learned about living with grief. Not all will apply to you, but I hope it helps. 

Find a way to express your grief. This forum is a safe place where you can share whatever it is you are feeling at the time. Reading the posts of others also (sadly) lets you know you are not alone on this journey.

Take care of your physical self: stay hydrated, eat something healthy every day, and get enough sleep. If you are having difficulty sleeping, try a natural remedy and/or see your physician for medication. Exhaustion makes everything more problematic.
 

Try not to isolate too much. If you have supportive family and/or friends nearby, reach out to them. The first time you go out to stores, especially if they are ones you and your partner went to together, you will likely cry – there is nothing wrong with that!
 

Spend time out in nature if the weather permits. If you are physically able, do something active every day.
 

Establish a routine. Even if you don’t have to go anywhere that day, get up and get dressed, comb your hair, etc. Sometimes facing an entire day will be too much, so break it down into segments and follow the same schedule the next day.
 

Do not think too far into the future because it will overwhelm you. Getting through one day at a time is an accomplishment.
 

Set a small goal for each day such as cleaning one room – when you finish it you will feel productive. But, do NOT be hard on yourself if you are not up to the task that day. Give yourself permission to take an occasional day off from getting something done.
 

Begin to process your grief. Just being on this forum means you have already begun. Read the stories of others, express your own grief, and look up to those who have made real progress on this journey. When you are ready, read articles/books on grief, and listen to recommended Ted Talks and other videos. Take to heart those that speak to you.
 

If you believe in the afterlife, watch for signs from your beloved partner. They will come when least expected – just keep an open mind and an open heart.   

Sending hugs!

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Lost7 said:

I want to feel joy but it just doesn't seem to come.

I am so sorry for your loss and that you are are going through this.  6-7 months, I've heard is some of the hardest time because everyone has gone back to their lives and left us to deal with this and shock has worn off and reality set in.

You mention joy, or the lack of...one of the things I began doing at day 11 after my husband died was looking for joy in each day.  NOT to compare with my big joy, George, for comparisons devalue and I learned not to do that, but to find ANY bit of good in the day!  In the beginning it took concerted effort to look for and find, but I usually could, it's just scaled down.  One thing I've noticed over the years as I've practiced this is how it changed me to one of gratitude and appreciation.

I do hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post, it helps to know there are others that get it and understand.  Also it does help to process our grief, something that can take years to do.  This isn't a quick or easy journey, I've learned it takes what it takes...whether a few years or the rest of our lives.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

@Diane R. E. thank you for your tips...they are great and practical!

[April Ballou]

3 hours ago, Lost7 said:

Hello

I am new to this. I am one that is usually a strong person who takes care of everyone else. I lost my love of my life January 5th 2022 to COVID. This was the year that we had worked so hard for had planned to retire and enjoy our very first grandchild who was born 5 days before my husband passed. I have been reading post here for a couple of weeks now and just wanted to put myself out there and say 7 months feels like 7 minutes ago, I can't seem to quit crying we were married 37 years. He was my everything, my best friend, the love of my life. I spend a lot of time with my granddaughter and I just can't believe he's not here to share her with me It feels like I'm just going through the motions I want to feel joy but it just doesn't seem to come. My husband was an only child and I see his mother every Sunday and spend the day with her It has been hard on her as well. I have two grown sons one who is married. I'm crying too hard to write anything else.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I understand.   I was married 38 years.  My husband died of covid September 7, 2020.  If there is anything we can do to help just post it here.  

[Lost7]

Dear Diane R.E.

I am so sorry did hear about your loss. A loss at any time of our loved ones is hard, much less looking forward to spending even more time together when you retire. I am grateful for the posts that I have found on this site. Thank you for all the good advice. I will be praying for you.

Hugs

Lost7

 

 

[Lost7]

Dear KayC

Thank you so much for the encouragement, I thought I was doing better about 5 months out but here at 7 months it's like it's starting all over again, I haven't heard that about the 6 to 7 months being the hardest, but that makes sense.

Hugs

Loss7

[Lost7]

Dear April Ballou

I'm very sorry that you lost your husband to COVID It is a terrible virus! I can't fathom your pain. My husband and I both contracted the  virus at the same time I just don't understand why I was spared and he wasn't. Life is just so hard and meaningless for me. Thank you for sharing.

Hugs loss7

[April Ballou]

@Lost7I understand.   My husband and I both got sick, we started taking cold medicine.   I got better and he got worse.  I took him to the hospital and had to leave.  They wouldn't let me stay with him.  Three weeks and three days later he died.  Sorry about your husband.   I know how hard it is.

[Lost7]

@AprilBallou

You do understand! My husband was diagnosed December 6th was told to get the antibodies he was able to get an appointment December 10th that night I took him to the hospital oddly they allowed me to roll his wheelchair back to the room and stay with him when the first shift nurse came in she told me once I left I could not come back in I stayed as long as I could but I was scheduled for the antibodies myself. December 19th I got a video phone call that he was dying and they allowed me and my son to come see him they said he only had 2 hours to live at that point they put him on a ventilator he passed away January 5th. It's the worst thing I have ever experienced I am so sorry to hear that you had to experience the same I am praying for you.

Hugs Loss7 

 

[Goforth860]

@Lost7 I'm sorry about your loss. I have read and reread (screen shotted)  these ladies suggestions and they are very practical and they do help. I have a very hard time with things though. Losing my partner Feb 28, 2022 has been the straw. I have suffered a lot of loss in my life. This place is amazing. I can actually talk and say that I miss him 100 times and everyone listens.  I have said over and over that I just want him back and I'm listened to. This forum is very supportive. There are ppl who have been going through the grieving process on here a long time. I ask how they are how they do it. I try to see myself as well adjusted as they are. At this moment I don't see that happening but I believe with the support I'm given on here and through other support I will eventually get to where I will be able to function a lil better. Ppl in our lives don't know how to act or respond to our grief. The ppl here have and are going through what we have and are going through. I feel like this place has been a God send for me and i believe it can be for anyone. So please continue to post and read. 

[April Ballou]

@Lost7 yes it is hard.  Our lives will never be the same.  I was the one that told the dr to turn the ventilator off.   That was the hardest decision I ever made.  But I knew he didn't want to be like that.  I never lived alone before.   Now I'm so lonely.  I try to keep my mind occupied.   But there are times when I just start crying.  I think about the things he's missing.  My husband,  Darrell was my first and only love.  I love him still, always will.

[NiquesMom]

April and lost: my husband and I both got sick with covid aug 2021. I got better, he spent 281 days on the hospital trying to cone home. Passed june 6th 2022. I am sitting here thinking 1 year ago I was sick and had no idea how it would change our lives

[April Ballou]

@NiquesMom sorry about your husband.   I know my husband wasn't in the hospital that long.  I know what your going through.   

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Lost7 said:

I haven't heard that about the 6 to 7 months being the hardest, but that makes sense.

These are distinctly different articles on the same subject:

Six Month Mark
Six Month Mark

[KayC]

I recently had Covid, nothing like Delta from last year, but still bad all the same, about 15 days, sinuses, congestion, fever, diarrhea, raised BS, not one person checked on me or called me.  I let my kids know after I survived it, my son called later that week, my daughter this week.  My little sister totally devalued my experienced in FB messaging, for which I had to just hurry and get out of there so I wouldn't respond something I could regret (or not).  Wow.  Even people in my church...nada.  Pastor's wife checked on me a week later (and I had posted it in the prayer group...no response) and another week later.  

Yet here it is, it changed you guys lives.  My next door neighbor has it, I'm checking on him.  I am so sorry you lost your spouses to this.  I can't think of anything harder.

 

[Lost7]

I am sorry for the pain and loneliness I am reading. One thing it has sure change my perspective about death in just sending someone a condolence card and not checking on them is not enough. Four years ago I had a co worker die in my arms of an aneurysm. I checked on her husband maybe twice. I called him last night to apologize....he and I talked about how numb, lonely, heavy hearted he was for a year. He remarried this April and says although he loves his new wife he still thinks of his first wife every day. He told me to hang in there time passing helps. I can't imagine ever being with someone else. My husband was the most kind, gentle,loving, devoted, person I ever knew...I am hurting so bad....I need him back!

[April Ballou]

We all have a missing piece of our hearts gone.  There is nothing that will change it.  We all will figure a way to cope with this loss.  Until then we have each other.  We can read other people's posts.  We can comment and maybe even find a friend.   

[Lost7]

April Ballou

Thank you for your kind words! It does help with the loneliness. I guess you're right My heart will never be whole again.

Hugs loss7

[KayC]

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/9845-grief-brain/#elControls_118453_menu

Found in above link:
This is probably something all of us can relate to. I don't think it has anything to do with age. We have lost a significant part of ourselves when our spouse has died. It took me a few years before I could concentrate on reading. I bought books on grief after Jim died and read them and couldn't remember that I had read them or that I even had them. I'm with Karen about the store. I make a list now and go just because I have to. I used to love to shop ~ not anymore. 

Yes, our hearts are broken but slowly, very slowly they begin to heal. They never mend completely but we learn to live with the cracks. There is a Japanese saying that when a bowl falls and breaks it is put back together with gold glue and that is okay because that is how the light gets in - something like that. If I can find the picture I'll post it. It still means something to me today after four years.  

Anne

Kintsukuroi means ‘to repair with gold’ in Japanese, and is the art of repairing pottery with gold and understanding that the piece is the more beautiful for having been broken.

[Goforth860]

Grief brain/grief fog? It's no joke. I have always had a memory problem due to head trauma  but since my mom passed dec 16 2018 and then Snoop 9 14 2020 and now John 2 28 2022. It's just went straight downhill. Like it was said buy meat forget I even bought it. Hell forget when I went to the store last. I write a list. Put the list in my wallet. Get to the store remember (or think I remember) I forgot my list on my nightstand.  Try to remember what it was I went for. Get to the checkout open my wallet and there's the list. I only buy but so much at the store. Only me now so... I'll grab my stuff out of the car (neighbor took me to the store) I'll get in start putting things away and the neighbors knocking on my door. I've forgotten something in her car. If that's not bad enough I'll set my phone down at the checkout to get myncards out of my wallet. Then after I get settled in the car it will hit me the last I  remember me with my phone is me setting it down at the checkout. My heart stops skips beats and races all at the same time. Remember the neighbor took me to the store. I already feel like a bum for needing a ride but then I have to ask them to turn around and take me back to the store because I've forgotten my phone at the register. Get ½ way back to the store and my heart has sank because not only have they been gracious enough to take me to the store but theyre outting up with my forgetfulness. Then I rub under my leg and there's my phone.  I get so overwhelmed and panicked that I don't take time to calmly look for things I automatically go to doom. I just git a life alert thing. I'm not even 45 and I got the "help I've fallen and I can't get up" thing. True story

[Lost7]

I can relate to brain fog. It seems I can't concentrate on anything. When I go to the grocery store I end up buying same items every week to eat...eating is a chore now....I use to love to plan meals and cook for my love. I hate this misery.

Thanks for the links KayC. And goforth860 I pray the "fog" will ease soon.

Hugs Loss7

[April Ballou]

@Lost7 I hate cooking for just 1 person.  Most of the time I eat microwave food.   For me I have my cats that help me concentrate.   I pray and read my Bible. 

[Lost7]

April Ballou I read my devotional too. I had a Pomeranian she died of old age in November 2021....our cat died in December...lost my husband in January and now I busy myself with my granddaughter who was born 5 days before my husband died. I get up at 6am go to my son's house watch my grandbaby until 7pm....go home  exhausted....try to sleep, usually get 6 hours on the couch because I can't sleep in our bed..my husband always wrapped his arms around me...I miss that so much.

Loss7 

 

 

 

 

[April Ballou]

@Lost7 wow that's alot of loss so close together.  I'm glad that you have your granddaughter.   My my got married back in November so I have 2 additional grandchildren,  they never met my husban. I do sleep in the bed me and my husband shared.  I have a small stuffed wolf that he bought me.  

[Lost7]

April Ballou

I'msure you are grateful for the extra grandkids! I'm happy that you're able to sleep in the bed your husband shared with you. That is a goal I have for myself just not been able to master it yet.

Loss7

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Lost7 said:

usually get 6 hours on the couch because I can't sleep in our bed..my husband always wrapped his arms around me

Oh my gosh, that's me!  I have slept on our reclining loveseat since he died...the bed is a reminder of his absence.  I couldn't sleep there if I wanted to now.

 

[Lost7]

KayC

It is crazy about the similarities of our grief...yet so individual to each person. 

Hugs loss7

[Lost7]

Dear Niquesmom

I am very sorry for your loss. I often wonder why my husband did not recover and I did. He was a very healthy person, infact this was his first time ever being in the hospital. I am so lost without him. My heart aches for you.

Hugs Loss7 

[April Ballou]

@Lost7 for me sleeping in the bed we shared was hard at first.   But I had to get a new mattress and I had to get another home.  I had to go through so much after Darrell died.  I cried almost all the time for the first 3 months.  When I moved things slowly started changing.  I still have my moments.  I miss Darrell and love him still.  I pray that you can find comfort and peace.

[NiquesMom]

I sleep in our bed but on my husbands side now. Our 9 year old son sleeps in the bed too, never has liked being alone. It got worse when Christopher went into the hospital. I don't know how lon we will do this but I dont care if he sleeps in my bed. He needs to know I am still here too i think.

[Lost7]

I'd imagine that you find comfort being with each other, I wish I had someone I could cozy up to.

Hugs loss7

[NiquesMom]

My son is the only reason I can continue. I know he was my husbands driving force to come back home. He coded twice but came back. He was on the vent twice and came off twice.  He was in the hospitals 281 days trying to get home. When they put him on the vent the third time Christopher told me no more. We miss him terribly but are trying to just keep stepping forward.

[Goforth860]

How old is Christopher @NiquesMom. 

[NiquesMom]

Christopher was my husband, 52 years old. Kyle is our son, 9 years old. Sorry for the confusion

[April Ballou]

25 minutes ago, NiquesMom said:

Christopher was my husband, 52 years old. Kyle is our son, 9 years old. Sorry for the confusion

@Lost7 I wish that I had someone to cuddle with.   But I'm all alone. 

[NiquesMom]

April, have you thought of maybe a dog or cat? The same week my husband died we had to put down our dog we had for 14 years. The house was so quiet. My son wanted a cat but I didnt want anything. So instead I got him a pet rat. He loves his rat. You can pet him and love him, and I don't have to walk him like a dog and he cannot tear up my house like a cat.  We needed something and IT worked well for us.

[KayC]

@NiquesMom That sounds like a perfect solution!  My little sister had one when she was a child, I remember hours of her and her friend sitting on the bottom of the stairs, playing with RatRat.  And they're clean and smell good.

10 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I wish that I had someone to cuddle with.   But I'm all alone. 

April, I can't imagine not having Kodie, but when he goes, I'm ready for sure!  I can't even fathom life without him.  I understand being all alone, all too well.  
Have you no cats or dogs?

[April Ballou]

@NiquesMom. @KayC I have cats but they stay outside.  I am in he process of getting a dog.  

[Goforth860]

@NiquesMom Its ok. It was probably me that got confused.  I'm laying here with Precious on my left and Cali on the right.  I'm the creme in the middle of the furry oreo but I wouldn't have it any other way. If it weren't for my girls I don't know what I would do. I seriously need them. I had Snoop my emotional support dog.  She was 17 when I had to lay her to rest. On the same day my dad had been murdered 23 years prior. I've always had animals.  They help with my PTSD anxiety and other mental and physical issues that I have. When I moved into these Apts they told me I'd have to have a drs note for my animals.  I told my psychiatrist that I needed a letter for my animals.  She said oh Snoop your ESA. I said no for all of my animals. She said animalS. I said yeah  Snoop and my cats Precious and Cali and my fish Charlie.  She said I've never written a letter for animalS. I have written letters for an animaL but not animalS. I said well you know that my animals are my babies. With me never being able to carry my babies to term and losing them these are my youngins.. I can not live without them. They are my life. I will be homeless before I  will get rid of my babies. If my babies aren't welcome I'm not welcome.  Ppl dont understand the effects they have for those who have mental and physical health issues. They lower BP and pulse. They can let you know when you're going to have an episode. I know when I had to lay Snoop to rest it killed me. I was effected bad. But Precious and Cali took up the slack. They're not dogs and don't come with their tails wagging when you call them. They're cats they come and go and do as they please. Do what they want when they want and how they want. But they have become my lap babies. They may not come when I say here kitty kitty. But if I start to have an anxiety attack or my blood sugar drops. If I start crying. They are right there. There is NO replacement for anyone or anything that has loved you. But to have an animal look at you and to give you unconditional love ❤️.  No matter what they love care and adore you. They will show you their kind loving spirit. I know my girls will not live forever and I know for certain that losing them is going to break my heart 💔. But I have unconditional love to give and the next animal or animals I get have unconditional love to give and they are very comforting and will give me company. So as long as I live I will continually have an animal. My babies. So if you can afford and have a lifestyle that will permit you to get some kind of animal. Even a fish. Charlie and I had a great relationship.  Fred's just getting settled in. I got him a cpl weeks ago But he and I will have a good relationship.  Any animal will look at you and interact with you. So get one. You'll be very glad you did.

[KayC]

On 8/21/2022 at 4:58 AM, April Ballou said:

@NiquesMom. @KayC I have cats but they stay outside.  I am in he process of getting a dog.  

Oh April, that is wonderful!  I wish you the best with it.  Have you already found the one?

[April Ballou]

@KayC I found a teacup Yorkie .  She's beautiful.   The only problem is I need $580.  The lady is going to let me make payments on her.

[KayC]

Will she let you have her meanwhile?  I paid $800 for Kodie, even rescues aren't cheap anymore!

[April Ballou]

@KayC no unfortunately she won't let me have her until I pay for her.  Hopefully I can pay her off quickly. 

[KayC]

I'm so sorry both of you have to wait.    Not even with a signed contract?