Hi

[Lamunu]

Hi everyone. Am new here

[KayC]

Welcome here...when you're ready I hope you'll share some info about when/how you lost your person.  I am truly sorry for your loss.

Meanwhile...these are for you, may help right away, may be a couple months or years down the road something will strike you....

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Goforth860]

Hiya @Lamunu. I hate that you've had to come here but I'm glad that you navigated to this forum. I have been on here almost 6 mths. I lost my partner John on Feb 28. He was my everything.  I've been at a loss for words here recently.  I see him I hear him. As he comes into view of my bedroom door. I've moved since he passed but I know him so well. To the point I know what he would be saying to me as he would walk by my door. No its not really him. It's his essence. The knowledge of him. The familiarity of him. We were and old married cpl that weren't married. This is a great place to talk about your loved one. To never get the eye roll the huff and puff or the smack of the lips of ppl who are tired of hearing about them. Or about your grief. I have said since the day i lost him that I just want him back. I said it 100 times a day if I said it once and I thought it 1000. But we're here. We will listen and we understand the loss. Not your loss personally because everyone's loss is different but we can understand the fact that there's now this void in your life in your heart that can and will never be filled again. 

[April Ballou]

16 hours ago, Lamunu said:

Hi everyone. Am new here

Hello there.  I am sorry for your loss.  We all here have lost someone near and dear to our hearts.  Don't be afraid to say anything.   We will listen.  It will help to get it out.

[Lamunu]

Thank you. Am a young widow and I don’t know where to start from😭hope this group will help me recover.

[Lamunu]

5 hours ago, Goforth860 said:

Hiya @Lamunu. I hate that you've had to come here but I'm glad that you navigated to this forum. I have been on here almost 6 mths. I lost my partner John on Feb 28. He was my everything.  I've been at a loss for words here recently.  I see him I hear him. As he comes into view of my bedroom door. I've moved since he passed but I know him so well. To the point I know what he would be saying to me as he would walk by my door. No its not really him. It's his essence. The knowledge of him. The familiarity of him. We were and old married cpl that weren't married. This is a great place to talk about your loved one. To never get the eye roll the huff and puff or the smack of the lips of ppl who are tired of hearing about them. Or about your grief. I have said since the day i lost him that I just want him back. I said it 100 times a day if I said it once and I thought it 1000. But we're here. We will listen and we understand the loss. Not your loss personally because everyone's loss is different but we can understand the fact that there's now this void in your life in your heart that can and will never be filled again. 

Thank you. Am still broken to talk about it. He passed last month and still feel like  yesterday.

[April Ballou]

@Lamunu start wherever you like.  Whatever makes you comfortable.. We are here to listen.   We can tell you about ourselves.   Just feel free.  We are all here for you.  

[Suea]

Hi Lamunu. We are all here for the same reason unfortunately. But we will listen if and when you want to talk. I am pretty new here too and have found it comforting to be able to discuss with others who understand.

[KayC]

When you are ready, we are here, listening...

Until then (((hugs)))

[Roxeanne]

Take care of yourself...write to us when you want!

It's comforting talk to people like us, we all lost our loved ones....we know how terrible it is! 

We understand...even if you don't want talk at all!

Take your time, we are here for you

[Ronni_W]

On 8/14/2022 at 5:56 PM, Lamunu said:

Thank you. Am still broken to talk about it. He passed last month and still feel like  yesterday.

Lamanu,

My husband has been dead already two years now, and it still can feel like only yesterday. And my dad's been dead for almost 50 years now, and whenever I want it to, can also still feel like just yesterday.  I still do not really know how to talk about my husband's passing; so, when this happens to me (someone new or who doesn't know, asks me about it), I just say what comes and feels natural to me at that time, (What I reveal and or share changes, and I really don't care if, when or how it does or does not change. I just go with my then-current 'instincts'.)  If other people don't like how I'm choosing to handle it now, or chose to handle it in whatever particular past moment...then...well, then they're free to not like it (I guess) and to just leave me the hell alone if they don't like it. And you also, yeah?

Point is...do not let the calendar or the "experts" or your very well-meaning friends, family and loved ones try to tell you when you 'should' or 'should not' be feeling this, that or the other. It's entirely up to you how, when and what you feel. It can be 50 minutes, 50 hours, 50 weeks, 50 months or 50 years. It is okay to just feel what you're feeling, whenever you're feeling it and however you're feeling it.

My love, hugs and sympathies on your loss.   Ronni

[Suea]

Well said Ronni. I agree 100%.

[Lost7]

I am sorry for your precious love loss. I lost my husband 8 months ago. And it is still raw. Take your time sweetie....we are all in pain and are here if you need us.. sometime I just read other post,.it truly helps...I can see a little of myself in each post ... everyone here is so very kind 

Hugs Lost7 

[Suea]

Thank you for your reply. I agree this is a good place to come. We are all in the same boat and understand each other's pain.