Flashbacks

[1050_harley]

I keep having flashbacks of the day I met my wife, the look in her eyes when we were about to kiss for the very first time.. I remember what feeling I had in my stomach as nerves took over I remember our very first words together and out first meal..then I have flashbacks to the day my wifes son was born how nervous I was when I heard him cry for the first time and cutting he's umbilical cord and cleaning and wrapping him and looking at he's precious brand new face eyes closed and peaceful as as I'd Rock him to sleep gently in my arms I kept saying I'm gonna drop him I was so scared I was gonna drop him because of how small he was it was like I was scared to hold him but I kept getting told instincts will keep him in your arms and you'll never drop him..then I have a reason nasty flashback of the day my wife died and I realize this is haunting me this is scarily haunting me and I can't stop it.. flashbacks, bad dreams all of it I can't do this **** it hurts I don't know what to do I've tried everything I can possibly think of doing and non of it helps. 

 

[1050_harley]

I keep having flashbacks of the day I met my wife, the look in her eyes when we were about to kiss for the very first time.. I remember what feeling I had in my stomach as nerves took over I remember our very first words together and out first meal..then I have flashbacks to the day my wifes son was born how nervous I was when I heard him cry for the first time and cutting he's umbilical cord and cleaning and wrapping him and looking at he's precious brand new face eyes closed and peaceful as as I'd Rock him to sleep gently in my arms I kept saying I'm gonna drop him I was so scared I was gonna drop him because of how small he was it was like I was scared to hold him but I kept getting told instincts will keep him in your arms and you'll never drop him..then I have a reason nasty flashback of the day my wife died and I realize this is haunting me this is scarily haunting me and I can't stop it.. flashbacks, bad dreams all of it I can't do this **** it hurts I don't know what to do I've tried everything I can possibly think of doing and non of it helps. 

 

[KayC]

How did your wife die?  Was it connected to childbirth?  Just wondered if that's what is behind the flashbacks.  I'm sorry you're getting them.  Have you tried a grief counselor?

[1050_harley]

Diabetes was the reason for her death.. 

[KayC]

Oh God, I am so sorry.  My husband too, it brought on a heart attack.  The thing is their guidelines are 50+ years old and all incorrect...it's why I know help run two diabetic groups, one with 7,400 people internationally, one just getting off the ground.  I am a diabetic that has reversed it.  Everything I was told the first 11 years and followed only made me sick and sicker.  My husband died doing what they said.  If only we'd known then what I now know...no thanks to my doctors...

[1050_harley]

Diabetes is very evil especially when it's type 1 or type 2.. I watched my wife go through hell in the hours before her death and it didn't just break my heart but it broke my mind and it twisted me. For a man to sit there with he's wife in he's arms slowing dying and not being able to do anything I felt hopeless and sad and I hate myself I hate her for leaving me alone in this world but I hate myself so much more and every day I ask myself why I am still here I feel like I shouldn't be..

[KayC]

Well with T1 there isn't reversal possible so at least the consolation that there are no whatifs afterwards

It's the hardest thing in the world...that and cancer.  People think of diabetes as just a condition, they don't realize it affects every part of our bodies!  Cardiovascular, skin, everything!  Our liver, kidneys, pancreas, brain, literally everything...

[1050_harley]

I remember one day when the relationship was still very fresh my wife sat me down and straight out asked me 

What would you do if I suddenly died and proceeded to tell me about her diabetes and that she could possibly die one day if complications occurred.. and this is the part that will forever be stuck in my head I selfishly shrugged it off and said don't be stupid your not gonna die she looked me in the eyes with the most straight look on her face and said I'm serious it was that moment I knew how serious it could become. Two things I failed to do was to get her taking her insulin shots as directed every day (she was taking 4 shots every few weeks) this caused issues with keytones and 2 I didn't see the signs she was sleeping a lot and never eating and even a few times shed gotten dizzy feeling like she was going to faint so I'd look after the kids and tell her to go sleep and get rest.. I did not know I was sending her to bed just to slowly die every day this is what I feel guilty for and it eats Me but it's not just me who suffers from this loss she left 3 young boys behind and I believe she couldn't tell me the truth about cheating on me she knew I'd forgive her but the biggest trouble was she was In love with 2 men and couldn't bring herself to end it woth of or both of us but rather decided to just let herself go and guess what I didn't do cpr as the ambulance directed I am a coward towards my own wife and that's it that's how it ended.

[Ronni_W]

On 8/13/2022 at 11:01 PM, 1050_harley said:

I keep having flashbacks [...] nasty flashback of the day my wife died and I realize this is haunting me this is scarily haunting me and I can't stop it.. flashbacks, bad dreams all of it I can't do this **** it hurts I don't know what to do I've tried everything I can possibly think of doing and non of it helps.

When you tell yourself the word "flashbacks" -- can those be also beautiful and calming and soothing and healing?

My maternal grandmother lived with diabetes for at least 30 years, and it was not, for her, "very evil". -- She managed to claim her own power and authority over it. (We need to be sure to not turn our own dead people into saints, prophets and the like, when they never actually demonstrated any leanings towards any of that while they were still alive on Earth. I really, truly do know that it is hard to take, but let us not start to try to turn our dead people into saints and pure and perfect Beings on Earth. They were not ever that when they were alive in their most-recent incarnation. Let us not kid ourselves about this...or we risk just going further into (false and unjustified) guilt, regret, self-recrimination, etc.

Right, my friend?

Let us not do this to our own dear self, my mate and friend. ❤️.   Ronni

[Ronni_W]

15 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

.[..] I am a coward towards my own wife and that's it [...]

Yep...NO!!! You're just a pure and perfect Human Being...and THAT is it, yeah 1050_harley?

Pure and perfect (and imperfect), just like all of the rest of us, 1050_harley...and THAT is it, about you, yeah, mate? Just a normal, regular Human Being...and that's it. Yeah?

And that's how and why and why and how you're so lovable and so loved. Because you're just like all of the rest of us. Yeah? ❤️.

[KayC]

Did she get Ketoacidosis?  From not treating her Diabetes?  Too many lows.  I am so sorry you are left with these memories, you couldn't have known, of course you couldn't!  They don't tell US about Diabetes, let alone the loved ones!  They gives us all the wrong info.

What was...was.  We can't change the past.  It does no good to beat ourselves up over what we didn't know.  That said...we do sometimes.  It takes concerted effort to let go of that and even then it's a process...

[1050_harley]

Yeah I didn't know it was keytoacidosis until I read the official coroners report and it shocked me. 

[KayC]

That has nothing to do with Keto by the way, it's just the name they affixed to it.  It occurs when the blood sugar level drops to a terrible low, simply put, and is deadly.  The hospital put my pastor's wife in that state when she was in there, and almost killed her!  (First thing they do is take away your meds and pump you full of unhealthy stuff!)

I am so sorry this happened to your wife, you look very young and it's so hard to conceive of going through a life without her when it needn't have happened.

[daaan]

My girlfriend passed away two weeks ago. I've been having the same flash backs. Her singing and her imitating my cats meow in the same tone.. Dreaming of going to see her.. Then waking up with the realization she's gone. I can't handle it either man, and I don't really know what to do.. but it doesn't look like there's anything to do besides just let it be part of us.. It is like hell on earth. 

How long has it been for you since she died?

[1050_harley]

I'm sorry for your loss daaan being only two weeks ago that is still so fresh we are all on here to support each other and we all feel the feels of hopelessness and not knowing what to do or how to cope you just need to give yourself time and know that you are allowed to cry and feel emotionally vulnerable I just don't want to see you pushing it all down and bury the pain cause you will have difficult days man it'll get hard for you but we are all here for you.. for me my wife has been gone for almost 4 years but it feels as though it was yesterday.

[KayC]

@daaan I am so sorry for your loss.  Yes, we're left with figuring out this grief journey and adjusting to the changes it means for our lives, no easy feat.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Ronni_W]

On 8/21/2022 at 1:27 PM, daaan said:

My girlfriend passed away two weeks ago. I've been having the same flash backs. Her singing and her imitating my cats meow in the same tone.. [...]

daaan, as empty and meaningless as it may feel to you right now, my heartfelt 'oneness' with your sense of loss and of grieving.

Please do not feel overwhelmed by any long (or short) list of how to make your own way through your own grief. It can be useful, but you might want to, or, from my own experience and how it's been going for me, it might be most helpful or even 'best' for you, personally, right now, to 'copy-print' it out, and delete everything that doesn't sit well or comfortably with you right at this moment. This is what I did; and then just went back to the original (long) list, and then just added an item (or two) to my personalized list, as I was able and when it felt 'right for me'.

(For me, exactly two years to the day, and there are still items that seem to me, at this stage of my personal journey, just plain 'stupid', 'impossible' and 'nonsensical' to me, for today.   Two WEEKS later? It would have felt way too overwhelming for me. So, if it does feel that way for you, also, just leave it for later. It will still come in useful...whether in 12 weeks or 12 months, or 24 of them.)

It's difficult, sometimes -- depending on the hour or the day or the activity that we're trying to accomplish -- to know what to do, or how to do it. That's okay.   For myself, it's taken about 2 years (and counting) for me to even be willing to even consider letting my 'flash-back memories' come into my conscious awareness. And, that's okay. Take your own time, and don't let anyone else -- not even your most loving and most trusted and most loyal family and friends -- take over and schedule, or try to take over or schedule, your very personal journey through your very personal loss and grief and grieving process.

All of my best to you, daaan.   Love and hugs, Ronni