I lost my dog Benji and I can’t accept it. I need him back! My life is shattered and heart broken.

[Benjismommy]

Hi everyone,

First time posting. I was reading some posts online about pet loss and felt like I’d like to share my own story. 

So sorry to everyone who has experienced losing a pet, it rips your heart out. 

I lost my best little boy Benji on Friday night 29th July. We got him Feb 2013 so he was just 9.5yrs old. It was very sudden and I’m heartbroken I didn’t have more time with him. He was the most amazing gorgeous doggy you’d ever meet, he loved everyone and everyone loved him. 

My biggest fear was losing one of my dogs (I had 3, now 2) and on Friday my worse nightmare came a reality. He ran up the garden like he did a thousand times but this time he fell. We knew it wasn’t good but as horrible as it sounds, I was hoping he broke his leg, something we could fix. I feared spinal or head injury but turned out my little baby injured his neck. I would have given anything to save him no matter how much surgery cost, how much time off work I had to take to nurse him back to full health. But none of that was an option. We had little choice but to let Benji go. We had to leave him to take an. X-ray and we he came back he saw us and wagged his tail even though he must have been in so much pain. It breaks my heart to think he probably thought we were back to take him home. We didn’t want him to go but we didn’t want him to suffer any more pain so we stayed with him and talked to him, told him how much he was loved, kissed him and cuddled him as he passed. 

It just doesn’t seem real. It is difficult realising that he isn’t here anymore, I won’t see his little happy face everyday after work, his wiggly bum when he was excited to see you, him diving into the water for a swim on his walk and soaking us when he got out. 

Why did he have to go? Why did he have to fall? Why did he have to endure so much pain on his little body? He didn’t deserve this. He deserved to live another 5/6 years at the very least and keep getting spoilt, loved and adored. He deserved more happy walks running thought the grass carefree and swimming when he wanted. He deserved to be with us, his family who adored him. 

I loved him more than words can describe. My days and world evolved around Benji and my other two dogs. I keep telling myself that the other two dogs are still here and need to be loved and cared for, which of course I do, I just can’t see how life will ever be as happy as it was. I am also so afraid of losing my other two at some point, which I know is inevitable. I just want to see him and to feel him, give him cuddles and tell him off for being bold to his brothers. 

I know he had nearly 10yrs of an amazing life but it wasn’t enough. He always had love, a warm bed, a full belly and adventures, I just wish we had more time together. 

I’d appreciate if anyone has advice on how to navigate such a difficult time. 
Thanks for reading

[AJWCat]

Oh my gosh I am so so sorry for your loss of Benji. I just posted my story here so maybe some of what I share can help. 

You must have been in such shock to have that happen so suddenly. Heartbreaking. I wish I had some magic potion to share with you because I know how hard the last couple of weeks have been for you. Missing him so much. 

It's good you came to share your story. It was helpful for me to get it out too.

Grief and all those feelings can feel trapped. We're so helpless because there is nothing to do except feel the loss. All I can say is you surely gave Benji a wonderful life and at least you were there with him until the end. It's a small comfort, I know. 

I am so so sorry, hang in there. 

[KayC]

I am so very sorry at how you lost your Benji!  It doesn't seem possible how you can wake up one day, thinking everything would be as usual...until it isn't.  With me, my shock came as I took my Arlie in to see about a teeth cleaning...and the next day they called me with the horrific news he had inoperable cancer, his numbers off the chart, and his liver shutting down.  He'd just passed his physical two weeks earlier, how could this be!  Obviously they missed something.  I will spare you our cancer journey and the botched "euthanasia" that did anything but usher him gently into what was next.

Learning to live without my Arlie was truly painful, his food and water dishes, his toys, his bed...I still have his coat hanging on my chair, and it's nearly three years later (he was a big boy).  

Be patient and understanding of yourself, kind to yourself, you've just been through the most horrific experience one can go through and the ongoing process takes a long time to register and sink in with us.  I painted rocks for his gravesite and bought a marker.  He is joined now by 25 year old Kitty (just 4 1/2 months later) and laid to rest next to Skye, my first granddoggy, who lived with us when I first got Arlie.

Your other dogs could be grieving also, so I'll include this article...when I lost my husband 17 years ago, my dog Lucky was grieving, it took my daughter to point it out to me, in my shocked state of mind.

Grieving Pet

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

 

[Benjismommy]

@AJWCat @KayC

I really appreciate you both taking the time to reply to me with kind help and advice. I am so sorry for the loss that you both have endured.
 

I feel like I can’t keep talking to the people around me, as somehow I feel people are sick of hearing how upset I am. I have had people say to me “oh but sure you’ve two dogs left”. That just infuriated me!! My Benji was my baby. 
 

I love all my 3 dogs dearly but Benji was just special. He had this personality that would shine, you could feel his presence even when he was out of sight. I loved every inch of him and it is destroying me not to see him, feel him, smell him and chat to him. The house is so different since he is gone. He is the first thing to enter my mind as soon as I wake up in the morning and I think of him every second of the day. I struggle to focus at work. I have even considered handing in my notice. Life just doesn’t seem the same anymore. What is the point? I’ve no motivation, no energy. 
 

I am struggling with anger and guilt too at the moment. Just can’t get my head around why this had to happen.. he was a happy healthy little boy running in his garden like he had done thousands of times before. I always tried to protect my dogs from harm, so it destroys me that Benji suffered such a horrific injury, in a place where he should have been safe. I should have seen the danger and did something to prevent it. If the yard light was on for example, would he have been able to avoid the fall? Also, I’m mad that, if he had to fall, why did he have to break his little neck!? The vet said he has only seen this injury once before and Benji’s injury was more severe. Vet said normally if a dog suffers this injury, they would die instantly. Maybe Benji held on to say goodbye but part of me wishes he died instantly so he didn’t suffer or feel pain. Only little comfort I have, is that he didn’t suffer any more injuries, adding to his pain. Just one single injury, his neck

I feel guilty I couldn’t save him. I feel guilty he felt pain. I feel guilty we were forced to made a decision to end his life. I feel guilty I didn’t try harder to get another opinion, discuss with surgeon etc (He had his accident at 11pm on Friday night of a Bank Holiday). Another thing I’m mad about - the odds were definitely stacked against my baby’s survival. 
 

I honestly just don’t what life looks like without my gorgeous little man. It’s hard to walk with my other dogs as every route reminds me of Benji and that he should be pottering along with us. I take his collar with us on our walks. He loved his walkies and swims. 
 

One of my remaining dogs, Taz, misses Benji terribly. Benji is Taz’s dad so they have a special bond. They were joined at the hip. Taz adored Benji, copied everything he did. They slept together every night. I know Taz is grieving. He is finding it hard to sleep, he howls (I never heard him howl and he is 6.5yrs old), he is much quieter, looks almost lost around the house. We give him extra attention and cuddles. 
 

 

[AJWCat]

Ugh, totally feel all your pain. (People try but often fail at helping. If you lost a child no one would say, hey you have two more, right?) 

I had zero motivation, too. The world was covered with a dark shroud. I found joy in nothing. So, you may "go through the motions" for a while. But it's good you are doing your best to help Taz.  

So unfair such a freak injury could happen. And the timing was horrible. You have a lot to feel angry about. I am glad you wrote more. That hopefully will help. Get it out here. 

What does life look like going forward? You and your family will go on. You don't "move on" from Benji. But you will learn how to navigate life with the absence of  someone who meant so much and added so much love and joy. You just do the best you can each day and you grieve and grieve. It's not easy.    

[KayC]

everything you write is common in early grief...all of the what ifs, the guilt, it's like we try to come up with some different possible ending as the one that happened is unpalatable to conceive of!  But truth be known, we don't foresee what we don't foresee so all of those what if options were not availed to us.  Still we think them.

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

Everything AJWCat writes...so true.

I'm so sorry for Taz...so hard to be the one left missing them.  I hope it's a connection the two of you bond over.  The shared missing him.  It was like that with Kitty and I after my XH dumped her on me...we were both abandoned at the same time and thus shared in that bonding.  She lived to 25 1/2, died just months after Arlie.  No one affected me like Arlie.  Out of 25 dogs and cats, he was special.

 

[Benjismommy]

I just wish I could have done more for him. He didn’t deserve to die at only 9.5yrs old. He had so much more to give, more life to enjoy. He was so happy and healthy so it maddens me that he lost his life. 
 

Benji was also my special dog, my soul mate dog I guess. There was just something about him. So many people loved him and he loved everyone too. He was definitely an earth angel. One of a kind. 
 

I visit his grave everyday, sometimes twice. I need to feel like I am still spending time with him. I talk and cry to him. Tell him I’m sorry. Imagining my little man in a cold dark hole in the ground just rips my heart open. I didn’t want to bury him after he passed because as long as I could physically see or hold his little body, he wasn’t truly gone. When we did bury him, Taz tried to dig at the ground, the poor baby. His daddy was gone. 
 

Another element of my guilt at the moment is regretting all the times I had a lazy sleep in, went on holidays, weekend away or skipped his walk any day I wasn’t feeling up to it, too stressed from work or didn’t have time. Why did I do those things? If I didn’t, I would have had more time with him. All those little snips of time I wasted would have added up to extra weeks or months of his little life. I took him for granted, wasted the time I did have and now it’s over. He is gone. Sometimes I don’t want to live without Benji, it hurts too much. I just want to give up. 

[KayC]

I feel the same about my early years with Arlie before I had a fence built, the 12 hours I'd be gone working/commuting a long ways.  How great it felt to give him the power of CHOICE with going into his pen or yard!  I never shut his pen door after that.  When he got cancer, his doghouse/pen was where he chose, it was his den, the place he'd been forced to be all those early years.  I regret pulling him out to come eat...I chided myself afterwards "How would YOU feel if someone drug you out of bed to come eat when you had cancer and didn't feel like it!!!"  I sincerely regret that.  But I understand why I did it, I remember the vet telling me, "When he stops eating, he'll go...."  I didn't want to lose him.  But still, you can't stop the inevitable, his eventual death.

Arlie was my soulmate in a dog, that's what I always called him..  Here's a picture of him in his prime and one taken when he had cancer.  He still had his beautiful smile although part time by then.

[Benjismommy]

@KayC

 

Yes, that is the killer isn’t it, looking back on all the times we were too busy or working etc, when it could have been time spent with our babies. At the time, I guess, it’s like their time to leave will never come, or it is a long way off, and then it’s here and we are heartbroken, riddled with guilt etc. 

Arlie was beautiful and he was lucky to have you. 

When we brought Benji to the vet that night, he had paralysis on his right side legs and the vet tried to make him stand. He fell down face first onto the ground. Now that I know he had a broken neck, it kills me to know how that must have been so painful for my little man. 

This is day 17 since I lost my Benji and it’s overwhelming. I just miss him so much, what I wouldn’t give for a little cuddle. 
 

This is my gorgeous boy. 

[KayC]

It kills me to think they tried to make him stand, and that he fell over onto his face!  The poor baby!  The kindest thing was euthanasia, but I know that transferred the pain to you.  And oh how hard that is to carry!!  I know...

[Benjismommy]

I am so mad at the vet for the way Benji was handled. Fair enough, we did not in a million years suspect a broken neck but we thought some spinal injury, maybe ruptured disk as he had some paralysis (but he still wagged his tail so spinal cord was working). It breaks me thinking how much pain he must have been in and then made to stand and fall on his beautiful little face. I can’t get that image out of my head. 

I honestly don’t think I can do this, it is too hard. I miss my Benji boy so much. I just cannot accept that he is gone, it’s not fair. He didn’t deserve to die the way he did, only 9.5yrs old. Given his great state of health and his breed, he was only half way through his little life. 
I just don’t understand why he had to sustain such a devastating (and unfixable) injury from a fall in the garden. I should have put up a fence and he would have never fallen. I am so stupid. He would be alive only for me. I just want to hold him so badly, just to feel him and look at his little face with his beautiful eyes and just talk to him. I keep picturing him on our walk, on his spot on the couch, sitting in the yard in the sun. I’ll never see him do that again. I just cry when I realise my imagination isn’t real. 
 

Every day is torture. I get a little peace when I sleep but as soon as I wake I realise Benji is gone and that kick in the gut and numb heart feeling returns. I also can’t cope with the fact that he is in the ground. I go talk to him at his graveside but I just can’t get the picture of him in the ground out of my mind. I just don’t want to live without him, it’s too painful. 
 

Miss you so much my Benji bum. Please know that you were adored and if you lived on love, you would have lived forever! ❤️

[KayC]

This is an adorable picture of him!  

I am listening, hearing you.  Two days ago it was three years since my Arlie died.  THREE YEARS!  I don't see how that's possible.  And they threw away the mold, there is no one liike him.  My sweet goofy, considerate beautiful dog.

I feel you.  Everything you say...

[Benjismommy]

@KayC

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I really feel like my family and friends are just sick of listening to me so helps to write here. Benji will be gone 3 weeks tomorrow night. Nearly 3 weeks ago my life was turned upside down with a phone call from my dad saying “Benji had an accident” and I immediately replying with “Is he alive”. Those words are burned into my brain and I’ll never forget them. 
 

Thank you - it’s such a beautiful photo which I will cherish. He always greeted me as I pulled into the drive, so happy that I was home, that day I caught him yawning. Little cutie. 
I’m lucky in that I have loads of photos and videos of him on my phone, hurts to look at but nice to have in his memory. 
 

I sit here writing this with my other two dogs and things just feel so incomplete. Benji was the little man of the house, the personality, the noise, the messer always making me laugh. He’d be curled into my lap if he was here and I’d be kissing his face telling him I loved him. I just don’t know how life will ever feel happy again. I just don’t feel any joy in anything. There is just a dark cloud over my life. 
 

I am so sorry you lost Arlie ❤️ 

[AJWCat]

Benji loved life that's for sure - we can see it in his pictures, in that face. Such a sweetheart. 

I know where you are right now, you are in the thick of the grief. For me, by three weeks it felt like a long, slow, bad dream you can't wake up from. 

Keep coming here and writing. Get it out. I wish there was more to say. It's not always going to be like this. Your broken heart will heal, it takes time and a lot of patience.  

[Benjismommy]

@AJWCat Yes, he absolutely loved life. He was happy if we were happy and just wanted to be with us. My little messer. Such a happy little boy. I keep saying to myself that Benji had 9.5yrs of a wonderful life, he was loved immensely, he had a full belly, never ending cuddles and kisses, a warm cosy bed, fun walks and swims but he had so much more life to live. 9.5yrs is too young. He was fit and healthy, never sick in his life apart from a cough one winter and a bee sting only couple months back in May. I cry for Benji too because he is the one who lost his life, he is the one that isn’t here with us anymore, he deserved more. I wanted him to grow an old little man, having lived his life to the absolute fullest. I loved him from the second I saw him as a 8wk old puppy, knew he was coming home with us, the 9.5yrs flew in a blink of an eye and now he is gone forever. 
 

I feel stupid, why didn’t I put up a fence or turned on the yard light that night. Chances are Benji wouldn’t have fallen. It’s my fault he is gone. We have a slopped area of our garden but never in a million years would I have thought one of my dogs would die from falling there. You’d think if they did fall, they’d have few cuts and bruises worst case. Why didn’t I put up a fence, Benji would be here now likely still sleeping like the lazy morning dog he was (I’m in Ireland so it’s gone 9am here). I just miss his presence so much, I long to hold him, talk to him and kiss his face. I bruise easily and I used to have constant paw shaped bruises on my thighs from Benji hopping up on my lap. Those bruises are now gone!  
 

I got told 3 days ago that it was “time to move on” and “it would be worse if it was a child”, my baby was only gone just over two weeks then. It hurts for someone to say that. I can’t just move on, Benji was one of my kids (I don’t have human kids) and my life literally revolved around my doggies. I’d arrange trips, lunch dates with friends, everything around my dogs being cared for. They always came first. They were my priority. I always worried about something happening (we live near a road so always worried the postman etc might leave gate open) so for Benji to die in his own garden, somewhere he should have been safe, just kills me. I could have prevented it. My worst nightmare is now a reality. My baby boy is gone forever. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Benjismommy said:

I got told 3 days ago that it was “time to move on” and “it would be worse if it was a child

OMG, I don't know who told you that but it was highly inappropriate.  This IS your child!  Comparisons devalue!  Makes me want to thank them for "devaluing my experience."  Along with a punch in the nose!  Not really but good grief!  I feel so protective of grievers, having been on these sites for 17 years...honestly when I hear someone saying something so off the wall, it upsets me for the person they're saying it to.  We may not be able to change them, but believe me, when I lost my husband, I grew some moxie.  I stood up to them..  I said what needed said.  I didn't hold back anymore.  

Our culture is not oriented in grief.  We need a whole education about it, how to help someone through grief, how to be respectful with it.

AJWCat is right, it softens in time, but never do we forget them!  Never do we stop loving them!  This is the hardest thing I know.  I am just so sorry.

[AJWCat]

Reading your post @Benjismommy I know how at fault you feel. The world can be odd and unfair. I thought I did everything to protect me cat. Worst nightmare. My cat suffered an awful death. I try to focus on the good. (There's not much but it's all I have.) I was there for him. He didn't go alone, we didn't find him. We had ten years. It wasn't always perfect but he never went hungry or unloved, never mistreated. 

Cling to the good stuff. I know in your grief you want to suffer and pay for what happened.

It's not your fault. It just isn't. There are no guarantees you could have prevented it or something else entirely. Let yourself grieve this awful loss instead of beating yourself up, you deserve that. 

[Benjismommy]

Thanks @KayC and @AJWCat

The person who told me “it was time to move on” is actually very close to me and knows how much I love my dogs and how much each one of them means to me so it really upset me when that was said. I instantly started crying and replied with “yes, but Benji was my baby” and the response I got to that was “it would be worse if it was a child”. 
I HATE when people lessen the value of a dogs life. This “it’s only a dog” drives me absolutely insane. I don’t really mention Benji at work, aside from a select few people who understand, as I feel people will think I’m gone crazy being this upset about a dog and the other side being, I don’t want hurtful comments aimed my direction. 
 

I am so tuned into the dangers of the road, traffic etc, why didn’t I see the danger in my own garden. My negligence has led to my Benji paying with his life.I let him down. I just can’t process that. I deserve to be punished with this much pain. I just want my baby back. Life will never be the same. 

[KayC]

You know, the place I got the most support (besides my grief forums) was my church.  I was so surprised.  Our pastor's wife picked out the perfect card and different ones signed it.  They prayed for me.  They thought of me.  I have the sympathy cards I received, still, along with mementos.  

Try to forgive yourself.  Work on being kind, understanding a patient with yourself.  Be your own best friend, now that yours is gone.  And remember it's not forever, this life is but a blip and then onto the next...and guess who will be waiting for you!

 

[Masitah]

@Benjismommy I don't know but I felt it deeply when you said Benji died in a place where he should have felt safe because my biggest fear was for my cat to die from road accidents or falling somewhere but he actually died in my living room, a place where he was always in, taking a long nap and playing. It really killed me and put me in guilt that made me feel somehow that I am the murderer of my cat. I know how painful it feels like. Sending hugs to you, it's not your fault, Benji was happy to have you and he won't blame you as well. If we knew it early on we would have did everything we could to save our pets but that's not how this cruel world works. Stay strong dear   I am with you.

[Benjismommy]

@Masitah It’s so so painful. All we ever did was care and protect our babies so why did I drop the ball when it came to the garden? Why didn’t I see the danger and remove it? My Benji paid for my stupidity with his life. 
 

Another day starts without him. He is the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing when I wake up. It’s like a punch in the heart every morning to remind me he is gone. I honestly don’t know how life is suppose to continue. I just want to cuddle him so bad, look at his beautiful face, tell him I love him and kiss him. I used to tell him he was the most gorgeous doggy in the world everyday. I really hope he knows how much I loved and adored him. I would have done anything to save him, but he somehow managed to injure a part of his neck which could not be fixed (what the vet told me anyway but I wish I could have got a second opinion but my option were limited as it was near midnight on a Friday of a bank holiday). The odds were stacked against my baby Benji. 

May I ask what happened your dear cat? If you would prefer not to go into it, that is totally fine. I hope you are doing ok. I know how truly devastating it is. The world is a very cruel place indeed! I often wonder what I or Benji did to deserve this! He was the happiest little man you’d ever meet, just full of love, smart, loyal, beautiful. What did Benji do to deserve having his life cut so short? 💔

[AJWCat]

I hate to share this but I've been on this forum now five years. I've read about many, many tragic accidents. I won't go into them... but it's everything you can imagine. 

The problem is everyone who these things happened to loved their pets more than anything (they came here because they're suffering) and their intentions were never to harm always to try to do the absolute best with the money they had (sadly some people can't afford to save their pets), or the time, or attention, or whatever. 

But as KayC says here, we're human. We try so hard. Add to that, the world is dangerous. And sometimes we just get very unlucky. Sometimes, it's a series of things that went wrong or happened... it seems like a lightning strike - bad luck for no reason.

You're due forgiveness and kindness.  Let your grieve instead of torturing yourself because of one thing you may have missed.     

[Benjismommy]

I just can’t help but feel guilty. I know it’s a natural element of grief but there is some truth to it. I should have seen the danger and fixed it. Benji might still be alive today. He relied on me to keep him safe. I can’t get my head around that is gone, I miss him so much. Life is just existing now, everything is tainted with blackness. 
Only for the fact I have two other dogs (which I hope and pray won’t leave this earth for a long time to come), I don’t think I could get another dog, it hurts too much when they leave. I know accident happen but I had wished Benji would have lived to an old man, happy and content and went on his own terms. I again know that this is a dream many pet parents have but the reality is out of our control. 
 

Love you too the moon and back Benji bum. I’ll never ever forget you. 💙

[KayC]

This week marked three years since I lost my Arlie...my son called yesterday and he remembered the day, of course he did, he was with me, he buried him, even broke his auger digging.  Just as I remember when his dog Skye died, nearly 8 years ago Sept. 1.  Skye lived with me for 3 1/2 years, was my first granddoggy, and was very very special to me, always will be.

I don't know why we have to lose our precious animals, we are so close to them...have so many memories...like I've said, it's the hardest thing in the world.  Somehow we live through it, I don't know how.

[Benjismommy]

@KayC It is 100% one of the hardest things to deal with. It’s so cruel. I know life goes on, I am trying to take one day at a time. Go to sleep each night and wake up to relive the nightmare the next day. I try so hard to remember Benji and all his good memories. Myself and my dad talk about him a lot.. if Benji was here, he’d be doing such and such. My hearts just hurts. It all happened too fast, even my goodbye to him was rushed. 

[AJWCat]

I remember when you discovered Arlie had limited time @KayC I always say how the sudden loss is so shocking.

Arlie's was slower but I remember the constant dread, every day, every hour hoping he's feeling okay, eating okday, hoping that there's more time - it's such a heartbreak either way. 

 

[KayC]

I have never experienced such anticipatory grief as that, watching him go downhill every day. 

[Benjismommy]

Today is a difficult day. It is 25 days since Benji left. The tears won’t stop. I can’t focus at work. I miss my baby so much. I just want to be with him. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I would have responded earlier but I was away and my laptop died.  I wish I could do something to help you with your pain.    I understand the lack of focus at work, I was the same way when my husband died.  Grief consumes us.

[Benjismommy]

@KayC Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I really appreciate it. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone in my family or friends, it’s like everyone else seems to have moved on and accepted this. I can’t stop thinking about Benji. I miss him so much, I just want to see his face and hold him. I can’t stop replaying the night of his accident. Imagining how much pain my little man must have been in. I wish I could have done more for him. I hope he knows I would have done anything to save him if there was an option to fix his injury. I failed at protecting him. This is the most horrible pain I’ve ever felt and I can’t do anything to fix it. I’m still in disbelief that this even happened and that Benji is gone forever. This cannot be real, can it!?

[Benjismommy]

This is Benj the day we brought him home. If only I could turn back time. The 9.5yrs went too fast. 

[KayC]

This is the hardest thing ever, I swear.  And it doesn't hit anyone else like it does you, you were his mommy, the one that lived with him, interacted with him, misses all those daily rituals and things the two of you shared in.  Now everything is a reminder of his absence and it feels like a black hole of a nightmare you're caught up in.  It's a long time before you stop asking if it's real.  But yes, eventually it will become part of you and you will realize it deep down inside.  It is a long journey we're on.  I think of my Arlie, how he used to lay on the couch (taking up the whole thing) and it's been so long since he has laid there now, and I wonder how that can be.  How he could really be in the ground.  But he's not, that is his castoff body, he has a new one where he now resides.  We pay tribute to their body or ashes, but in reality, they are in heaven and we'll see them again.  It's just that it's so hard to accept that the rest of OUR lives here we are without them!

[CharliesM0m2012]

On 8/24/2022 at 7:02 PM, Benjismommy said:

This is Benj the day we brought him home. If only I could turn back time. The 9.5yrs went too fast. 

So sorry for your loss, what a lovely boy Benji was + a real best friend to you and your family.

Charlie my girl Patterdale x Jack Russell who virtually spent all the time with me since she was a 16 week old pup, she passed April 30 this year after a battle with an acute blood vessel cancer.   I’m devastated + heart broken.   I still cry even though it’s been 4 months getting on for 5, I don’t think the pain of losing your best friend ever lessens no matter what.

I have been enjoying some of the activities I used to enjoy as a child / teenager to help me cope in grief, through swimming 3-4 times a week and doing some fitness exercise I have lost 11lb and got my A1c back to a more normal level.  To wind down I watch 90’s TV shows on Pluto but watching TV and chilling isn’t the same without Charlie cuddled up to me to be honest so I don’t do it for long.   I find the longer I stop think the more likely I am to well up.   
 

My mother has recently acquired a new puppy and I sometimes pop to see her, and the new puppy, of course.  I spend some time with the new puppy while I reminisce about the times when Charlie was a pup.  I like to help but I don’t want to get overly involved as the little pup is my mom + step-dad’s dog.   A new puppy in the family is what 2022 needed to be honest, and I am so pleased for my mom and step-dad who’ve finally got a new dog after losing their beloved dog 6 yrs ago 

[KayC]

@CharliesM0m2012 I wouldn't worry about enjoying the new pup, they can have room in their hearts for a lot of people!  They soon learn who their folks are but enjoy visitors too.

[CharliesM0m2012]

17 hours ago, KayC said:

@CharliesM0m2012 I wouldn't worry about enjoying the new pup, they can have room in their hearts for a lot of people!  They soon learn who their folks are but enjoy visitors too.

@KayC He’s a lovely little shepherd mix pup he’s met all his new human family + loves them already, he’s also very inquisitive so we’ve all met a friend for life after the devastation of having to say goodbye to our heroine Charlie. 

[KayC]

Aww, sounds sweet!

[Benjismommy]

Today is exactly one month since Benji left for the rainbow bridge. To say it has been a very difficult few weeks would be an understatement. I can’t believe it has been a month since I gave him a cuddle, I miss that so much. The pain is immense, sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed and face the world. 

[KayC]

Oh how I remember this, it felt surreal.

[Janet from Berkeley]

So very sorry for your loss. Our furry friends take a special part of our hearts and when it's their time to go we are left grieving. No matter how long or short a time we have with them it always seems too short. 

Please don't beat yourself up about whatever mistakes you think happened. If you had known that something was dangerous you would have protected your pet. You did the very best you could have with the very best of intentions. Sadly everyone and everything dies. Sometimes it was just their time to go and there really is nothing you could have done about it. No one know the date and time of anyone's death beforehand. It just was his time to go.

Please believe that you gave Benji the very best life you could have. Clearly he was cherished and I am sure he loved you and wanted for nothing.

Grieving takes time.  You will never forget him but in time the pain will lessen. 

One helpful thing I did when grieving my buddy Maxiee (gorgeous Himalayan Siamese kitty who only lived to age 15) was to write down all the things I wished I had said to him, all the things I was grateful to him for, all the things I wish he had said (communicated) to me and all the things I wanted forgiveness for. I got a pretty journal and had a page devoted to each theme. Then started a new page and continued writing each theme. I wrote a lot at the beginning, then less later on. 

I lost Maxiee 16 years ago. I still miss him terribly but this writing helped me sort out my thoughts and now my heart is a bit easier. I can recall the happy memories without as much of the pain.

No one can say how long this grieving fee process may be for you. After each of my buddies died I grieved them for years. But eventually the pain got a little less.

I hope that the pain lessens for you. Benji loved you and if there is anything to forgive I am sure that he definitely did. Furry friends love us unconditionally - with all their hearts. I, for one, am grateful for every minute I got to share with my special buddies.

[Benjismommy]

21 hours ago, KayC said:

Oh how I remember this, it felt surreal.

So surreal. I find the mornings the worst as I wake up and remember that this is real. I wish I could dream of him so I can see him again. I need to know he is ok. 

[KayC]

Good suggestions, Janet.

He is okay.  So no matter whether you get anything or not, just believe it.  I've had to go on faith since my husband died, and now again since my Arlie died.  With Kitty it seemed different, I miss and love her, but she was 25 1/2, the longest I've ever known a cat to live, and she really did have the life of Riley since coming here so I knew I did my best...I do wish I'd had itt done two weeks sooner but I didn't know, she'd always bounced back from anything/everything.

I, too, feel as you do with Benji only with Arlie, it was in learning the brown rice fed his cancer so I wish I hadn't included that in his diet of meat and vegetables.  But I didn't know then what I know now about carbs.  At the time I didn't even know what a carb was!  Although it greatly saddens me and I've learned from it, I can't beat myself up over it, it doesn't help eiither of us.

[Mar22]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you are feeling. I just lost my sweet good Raj dog this week. I'm going through all the raw awful pain and hurt. All the what is and why's. I had to let another of my best buds Max go 11 years ago and it was really awful. It took me 6 months to finally get feeling a bit normal. Everyone is different.  In time the shock anger and raw grief will subside. We never really got over it it just dulls. Took me it took a long long time. Now I'm going through it once again. It's the price we pay for love unfortunately.  Sending love and positive energy to you. Benji was beautiful 😍 

 

[Benjismommy]

I am now on day 29 since Benji died and it’s still so hard. I can’t believe it has been 29 days since I fed him, since I saw him breathe, blink, bark and run around. I just miss him so much it rips my heart out. He was gone so fast, I couldn’t say a proper goodbye. I couldn’t take him on his favourite walk, give him extra cuddles, feed him his favourite food and cherish him. My goodbye was a necessity to quickly get him out of pain, until the vet checked his heart and told us “he was gone”. I would never see my baby alive again. I held him for hours after and slept beside him that night. I didn’t want to bury him. It was raining so heavy that day. It kills me to imagine him in the cold dark hole in the ground, what nature is doing to his beautiful, perfect little body. I put on his coat and wrapped him in his blankies and we faced him towards the water, where he loved to swim so much. Myself and my dad each wrote Benji a final letter and also left that with him. I hope his reads it. We decorated his grave, made a little surround, put down gravel and planted a flower. My nieces and nephew drew him pictures and left him teddies. On his one month anniversary, I put up solar lights on the tree to give him light now that the winter is coming in and it will be getting dark. 
 

I hoped I’d dream of him. Early after Benji passed away, I was woken out of my sleep by the sound of him barking. It was nice to hear until I knew it wasn’t real. In the past week, I’ve had two dreams.. one where I was driving in the car and Benji passed me running in the direction of home. I called him and he stopped. He looked at me (holding a sausage in his mouth ), I called him to come to me but he didn’t come. I don’t know, maybe it’s a way of saying he is here, but not here here. The other dream was he was at home lying in his bed perfectly fine and alive but in my dream I was conscious to the fact he was dead but I confused as to how he could be dead when he was perfectly fine in his bed and wandering around the house as normal. I don’t know what that dream meant. It was pretty weird. It is sad to dream about him as I wake up upset but it is also nice to see him again. I hope I keep dreaming of him so I keep seeing him. 
 

Love you to the moon and back Benji. 🤍

[KayC]

You are blessed to have those dreams, hold onto them.  It's your body's way of having time with him.  And who knows, perhaps he is reaching to you the only way he knows how.

I do know the rude awakening of waking up to reality.  It smacks us in the face.  I'm sorry, I know this is so hard.

[Benjismommy]

21 hours ago, KayC said:

You are blessed to have those dreams, hold onto them.  It's your body's way of having time with him.  And who knows, perhaps he is reaching to you the only way he knows how.

I do know the rude awakening of waking up to reality.  It smacks us in the face.  I'm sorry, I know this is so hard.

Yes, I am so glad to have these dreams. It’s bittersweet - nice to spend time with him in my dreams but waking up the reality is not so nice. I asked him to let me know he was ok. I hope these are a sign from him. A few days after he passed, I was convinced I saw this face in the clouds (I am probably mad!)

Exactly one week after Benji passed, my other dog Bailey was barking and barking so I went to check on him. He was barking at a white feather in the yard just by the gate to the garden (where Benji would have went that awful night). I often wonder was that a sign. A few days later, I found another white feather in my kitchen. I have kept them both in a little trinket box for safe keeping. Anything to give comfort and ease the pain even by a millimetre! I just want to hold him so much. I miss him sitting on my lap. 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Benjismommy said:

so glad to have these dreams. It’s bittersweet

Oh yes, I know!  Yet we wouldn't trade them.  I don't recall dreaming of Arlie, nor my husband George, whom I dreamed of once a year after he died.  It didn't comfort me, instead I berated myself for my response in the dream, like we can help our dream somehow!

I, too, would keep the feathers....

[Benjismommy]

I have the feathers in a trinket box on the side table beside my bed. I find it so hard to get out of bed, yesterday and today particularly so. It so hard living without Benji, such an obvious hole in my life. It’s empty. I miss him so much it hurts like hell. It’s never going to be ok. 

[CharliesM0m2012]

This was me + what I felt like in the first few weeks after losing my little girl Charlie, I was extremely upset naturally I was devastated I would wake up with no aim to the days - I’d go to the patch in the garden to water + look after the memorial plants + trees + that was it for the day.   I would sometimes sit at a pub, in the day, with a drink, staring into space.   I still cry about her sometimes + the pain of losing Charlie is like my heart + soul being physically ripped out of me.   I knew I had to start to try and be strong so I went to my GP and got my anti depressants changed.   I took up fitness again, largely swimming.  I’ve since stopped drinking on weekdays + I go swimming up to 4 x a week.  Charlie wouldn’t want me to be upset, depressed or for my world to come to an end she’d want me to do things that make me happy and I feel a lot better mentally for some exercise + better equipped to cope with the emotions that come with losing someone so close to you.   I hope things begin to feel better for you soon . 

[KayC]

I still had Kitty when Arlie died but it didn't fill the hole...nothing did.  I, too, am hoping you can start feeling better, even just a bit!