Two years on I’m still lost

[CactusBlack28]

Two years ago I lost my boyfriend, I was with him when he died and the way he died is hard to explain - I think something to do with his heart or brain but I’m no expert - me and his mum don’t believe the answer the coroners gave us but that’s a whole other story.

 Today is his two year anniversary and it feels ridiculous. Obviously in real time I know it’s been two years but in his time? there’s no way I haven’t spoken to him for that long. I think about him everyday, sometimes I curse him out for leaving me, I make jokes about how he’s a bastard and “look what he had to do to get away from me” but for the most part it hurts too much to acknowledge what happened. I can tell people that he’s gone, I can explain most of the day to them without flinching but I can’t picture it (which is for the best) but I have flashes, randomly even when I’m not thinking of him I could be picking berries with my friends and the memories of that day start flicking through my brain and I have no control over it. 
 

i know this is long and rambling but I just want to know is this normal?? I feel crazy all of the time, I cry doing the dishes, I break down under trees and I shout at people for not knowing what I mean when I can’t even find the words myself. I just feel like my brain is broken 

 

[Ailkanic]

I'm only a month in and I feel the same way, no matter how small the task or activity it always comes crawling back the her. Today was the official 1 month mark and it really hurt so bad. We will always miss them, especially after constantly coming back to this site and other grief groups and constantly reading different articles our trauma and love is something that will linger forever, lessens with time sure but those certain days are going to hit is hard like death anniversaries, birthdays, or that memory of doing something small like sitting under a tree. This is a great place to ground yourself and recognize that while none of us feel how you feel it's all very familiar. I'm so sorry for your the loss of your boyfriend and just keep trying to heal how ever long it takes at least your trying.

[KayC]

Oh Hon, I am so sorry for your loss...you ask if this is normal, yes, pretty much anything/everything we go through in grief is "normal."  Sometimes we think we're losing our minds but we aren't, it's just such a twisted journey with no roadmap. 

I'm glad you found this place, it helps to know others get it and understand...
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

10 hours ago, CactusBlack28 said:

 Today is his two year anniversary and it feels ridiculous. Obviously in real time I know it’s been two years but in his time? there’s no way I haven’t spoken to him for that long. I think about him everyday, sometimes I curse him out for leaving me, I make jokes about how he’s a bastard and “look what he had to do to get away from me” but for the most part it hurts too much to acknowledge what happened.

I think this sounds so normal to those of us here. The love we carry for our partners and spouses is magnified in their absence. They are constantly in our minds and vision. As the days and weeks go by without my partner Tom here, I end up baffled that so much time has passed without him physically here because he's always in my head. 

I like this passage in Megan Devine's book "It's OK That You're Not OK"..."It would be so great to be able to just transmit, without speaking, the reality of this loss in your life. To have people feel -- just for thirty seconds --what it is you carry every second of every day. It would clear up so much misunderstanding."

[Gail 8588]

CactusBlack28, 

I am so sorry for your loss. I feel certain that many of your friends and perhaps some of your family don't understand what you are going through.  It is impossible to explain to someone who has not lost their soulmate. 

I have come to believe that it doesn't matter how long you were together, whether you married or not, if you have found that one who gets you, loves you flaws and all, and you feel the same, when you see yourself only with that one, your futures are melded into one future.  When you lose that person, it is life shattering.  It doesn't matter that you had 50 years together, it wasn't enough. If you only had 5 weeks together, your entire future feels shattered, because it is.  When you lose a soulmate you don't ever forget what you had and what you lost. 

But it does get better than where you are right now.  It took me more than 3 years to begin to re-engage with life. By my 5th year, I finally felt like a real human being, rather than just pretending to be one. 

I have come to believe that losing a soulmate essentially causes a brain injury that takes quite a long time to heal.  I couldn't sleep well for years.  I finally asked my doctor for some help with that, because chronic sleep deprivation doesn't help anything. I also couldn't focus on tasks very well for many years.  I just finished read my first novel since before my husband's death. I used to be an avid reader.  

Your journey with your grief will be different than mine because our circumstances, experiences and lives are different.  But know that I also felt like I was losing my mind, I also felt like my brain was broken, I would cry because of the way a cloud looked, or a bird I saw, or a million other things.  People around me didn't understand at all.  

You are not crazy and you are not alone. Come here to vent or share whenever you feel the need. We understand. 

Hugs

Gail 

 

[KayC]

Gail, I am 100% with you on your thinking!  
Brains: when we process loss
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Grief, PTSD, and Your Brain | HealthyPlace
Brain Injury comparatively

Definitely it gets better as we hone our resilience!  It took me a good three years+ to process my grief.  I've learned so much on my grief journey...