TOUGH PAST FEW MONTHS

[AlanMichael]

My mother passed January of this year. I have been having such a rough time these past few months. She is on my mind everyday. We were so close she was really my best friend. It has been tough not being able to talk to her everyday. I have a 10 month old and my fiance sometimes keeps my mind occupied but every time there is a moment to myself my mother is always there in my mind. I feel guilty at times and think of the decisions I made that could have negatively effected my mother. Its just a constant feeling of missing her, guilt, and loneliness. Sometimes I feel like doing more stuff but It is like I do not even have the mental energy to even want to do certain things. I just feel stuck in everyway 

[reader]

Dear Alan,

I found the first year of grief the hardest. I was so raw. Please know everything you are thinking and feeling is normal. 

If you want to maybe consider taking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group. It helps to have more support and people to talk to and lean on.

We are also here for you. 

 

[Kazuko]

Hello Alan 

oh my goodness I feel your pain… 🥲.. please know I’m sending you a big hug 🤗 my mother passed away April 10, 2021…

it feels like yesterday. yes as it does say on this website after one year it does get better it’s like waves now it hits me sometimes when I expect it sometimes when I don’t expect it. the good thing is now I don’t remember just that day she died I’m starting to remember happy times times when we shared special moments together. yes I was like you in the beginning all I could remember was it 2 years of her pain dealing with the cancer the ups in the down….especially the day she died here at home on hospice it is some thing that I never thought I would ever go through in my whole life. 

yes I knew she was going to die because she had a stage four cancer and she was being treated with Keytruda to prolong her life ….she was doing so well and that’s when it caught me off guard. It was just after the holidays usually January is a busy month for me trying to recoup after big family dinner here at my house so on February 3rd…..I was not prepared it was a day that was supposed to be for filled with joy and happiness taking her to her favorite grocery store and then out for a hamburger at foster freeze sitting in our car because of Covid and having our delicious hamburger. however,  we were unable to do that because she fell from a bench in my room and broke her hip and then everything went downhill after that  

I am still dealing with the guilt from this because when she walked into my room and asked me to help her with her new mask that I bought her to protect her from Covid I asked her to sit on my bench in my room which she had done many times safely. I did not know at that time her liver was acting up and the toxins went to her brain and she must have got dizzy and slept from the bench which was only 2 feet high off the floor. if I could turn back the clock I would’ve stopped what I was doing and helped her sit on the bench.

I know deep inside it was not my fault I know that deep inside myself that I could not change her fate. I try now to remember all the blessings that God gave us all the pain that she did not have to suffer with all the time we were able to spend together. I know it’s still hard I miss her every day I cry every day.

I want you to know that I am better than I was a year ago. the pain I know it will never go away ….but I am able now to move forward better and enjoy my life.

For me I purchased a puppy which has brought me much joy because now I have someone to take care of someone that gives me love back this house because my mom is no longer here for me to take care of and I’m a big caretaker so taking care of a little puppy helps me. I’m not sure if that’s possible for you but if it is trust me it really does help.

come here anytime share your feelings.       I have more to share. Take care of yourself try to be good to yourself. I know it’s hard very hard coming here reading other peoples stories makes me feel close to my mom because I know other people are out there and I’m not alone.  We are here for you