Visiting the cemetery & dancing

[KatrinaG]

My husband died a few weeks ago, July 23rd, 2022, instantly while on his motorcycle because someone didn't see him and made an improper turn.  He was 37.
I am beyond hurt, angry -- all the feelings sadly, you reading this, understand.  
I am going thru the motions of day to day, doing what needs to be done.  
My son and his wife moved in with me so I would not be alone.  They are finishing up college and trying to save for a new house.  I have 9 cats & a corgi that keep me busy & entertained.
My husband of 11 years loved to dance.  I have 2 left feet.  So, off and on, since we have met, we have danced in the middle of the night in the kitchen, or he would take me outside under the stars.  Still have those 2 left feet but I was confident enough to dance at our son's wedding last December.  While we danced, he would sing mostly 2 songs to me, same songs - It's Your Love and I Can't Help Falling In Love With You.  I cannot believe how amazing and patient he was with me.  So, going to the cemetery now 7ish days straight and I listen to our playlist - 30 minutes, as there was a few other songs and I added a few.  I bring a chair and sit between him and my parents. I talk to him telling him what all is going on, how much I miss him...  Then when those 2 songs come on, I stand up and close my eyes and remember... and try to feel him holding me and hear him singing to me.  I cry and cry and don't open my eyes.  
I don't know if this is healthy for me.  Maybe I'm crazy.  
I just don't know how to be without him.

[Ailkanic]

I personally think it's very healthy to listen to those songs that we shared with them. I met my girlfriend that passed July 10th at my favorite bands concert, it can be scary sometimes when our song comes on because I can't call if I'm going to smile or breakdown and cry or both but it's almost the same thing as facing your fears. Knowing one day I'll listen to it and the memory will be a beautiful picture I keep instead of an unknowing wave of grief is comforting. I'm so sorry for your loss, keep going to talk and dance with him.

[KayC]

@KatrinaG I am so sorry for your recent loss of your husband...37, younger than my daughter, so unfair!  Sometimes words are not enough, this is one of those times. 

I am glad you found this site, it helps to know you're not going crazy, that others go through this too. 

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Lost7]

Katrinag If this helps you grieve then it's right for you! I am so sorry for your loss at any age is hard but I can only imagine being that young how deep the wound is. You continue to grieve in a way that feels right for you honey as we all do. I lost my husband to covid at the age of 54 he was so suddenly he was gone My pain is deep and it's only been 8 months hang in there sweetie we are all here for you!

Lost7 

[foreverhis]

There's a saying I keep hearing/reading:  You do you.  I think that applies to grief as well.  Whatever makes us feel even a tiny bit better or give us temporary respite from the deep pain is good for us.  That's with the exception of things that are actually harmful like getting blackout drunk every night.  Though in the short-term I will not "scold" anyone for it, it's not a long-term way of dealing with our losses.

One little truth that most people who haven't been where we are don't/can't understand is that this kind of grief makes us a little bit crazy, at least for a while and maybe for the rest of our lives.  How could it be otherwise?  Our hearts have been shattered and our lives torn apart.

Please, please continue to do the things that give you even a moment of peace, even when that means sobbing through favorite songs as you remember, because that is cathartic and IMO extremely healthy.  That's especially true if doing so allows you to function a little better at other times.

I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here.  I'm sorry any of us do.  But here, at least, we understand each other and we are never alone.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Please, please continue to do the things that give you even a moment of peace, even when that means sobbing through favorite songs as you remember, because that is cathartic and IMO extremely healthy.

Well put!

[Don-Tony]

Katrina G

you aren’t crazy. You love him and he meant the world to you. Sharing these moment with him even when he’s gone are important. Dance, cry, get mad, laugh. It’s all valid and it’s all part of what you need. You feel crazy because the situation is crazy. Just love him. You’ll find your next step. 

[KatrinaG]

Hello everyone.  Thanks for the comments to this post.  UPDATE: it's been 6 weeks and I am still going to the cemetery every morning and listening to the same play list and "slow" dancing alone to 2 of the songs.  I laugh, I cry, I talk.   I miss my husband so much!  I do believe this helps as it gets me out of bed and out the door.  I do feel sad when I leave him but, overall, feel better as I've talked to him.  People come and go around me, but I don't care - it's me and him for just those few minutes.  
Coming up, I was just told about a grief support class starting in my area in a few weeks and I plan to attend that.  (13 weeks but once a week) Thanks for listening/reading.  

[Lost7]

KatrinaG

Your commitment to your husband is so heartwarming. My husband passed away 8 months ago from COVID suddenly...other than his burial I have not been able to visit him....his birthday is in October and my son wants to visit then I am praying for strength to go. 

Virtual hug

Lost7 

 

[KatrinaG]

Lost7
I am so very sorry for your loss.  Eric was buried on a Thursday beside my mom & dad who I, previously, had visited basically only once a year.  For whatever reason, I got up the following Sunday and wanted to be there.  I believe I can speak to him anywhere so no idea really why I'm doing this.  lol - literally laughing out loud as I'm sure each widow(er) has a "I don't have any idea why I did that" or "am doing that" moment.   I also must say I am currently not working, I have no small children or grand kids, and I live 5 minutes down the road so very easy for me to go and again, my only reason really to get out of bed. 
My thoughts... If you make it to visit with your son (or go alone to the cemetery) that is great.  If you don't, then maybe another time or maybe never again.  It is heartbreaking to visit sometimes and may overwhelm you-taking your breath away or it may give you a little more peace.  I do have this thing that I learned from my husband to not wait to do anything I think of because if I think it and put it off then it becomes an obstacle.   I analyze and become scared to move forward.  I don't want years to go by that I was just frozen so going every day is helping me keep moving.  I hope to do this with more of my life even if it is just getting the trash out on time.  (Baby steps)
I wish for you peace if you go or don't go. 😃 I believe your husband and my husband know our hearts so therefore understand our thought process, even if they don't agree.  
(((HUGS))) to you and wishing you all the best.
~~~Katrina
 

Edited September 7, 2022 by KatrinaG
Corrected grammer

[Don-Tony]

Lost7 and Katrina G,

I'm proud of you both. take all the time you need to do the things you feel the need to do. Some days its enough to just think about an uncomfortable action. Some days you'll have a roomba level day, running all over the house or town because you had things to do. And everywhere in between. Keep swinging and pushing as hard as you need to. We will make it to the next step when we are ready.

in talking to a family member this weekend I was told the last conversation my other brother had with his pastor before my brother died from leukemia and its brought me a weird bit of joy. "He says he's not afraid to die, He just doesn't want death to win." 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Don-Tony said:

He says he's not afraid to die, He just doesn't want death to win.

That is beautiful to remember of him...