Why wasn't it me

[Goforth860]

You know being g in this world with no one is really old. I have said to those who have contemplated suicide not to think like thar. Well I'm wo close to just being done.  I have a brother and a sister and 1 cuz. My mothrts brother. He text me every morning. But as far as seeing any of them it's nonexistent.  I had what I thought was at least one friend. Well when I had to get that nuts butch out of NY house she ran into one of the neighbors and told them a bunch of crap. I have an elderly woman who helps me out and I feeling such a damn bum. I'm jusgvready to end it. **** there's a purpose fir everyone everyday bull ****. I'm just done.  It should've been me. He had so much more to live for than me. Damn it why wasn't it me. 

[Goforth860]

Inam so mad at him. Hecwas the only person I'm this world who gave a **** about me. There is no one else. No on!!!! Now why should there be me. No one cares it doesntvmakecaxshit to anyone not one single soul gives a damn about me. He was thevlast

[Roseapple]

So sorry you are feeling this way. You went through so many losses. You make me think of an soldier returning from yet another war, tired of the fight and carrying all the pain and scars. I hope there is something coming your way after all. Keep your heart and eyes open ❤️ The world has been really tough to live in recently, even without the losses we suffered. 

[April Ballou]

@Goforth860 its sad that your brother and sister doesn't care.  The 3 brothers are 1 sister that were part of my life disowned me.  My mother is gone.  Darrells  family is just that, his family.  My grown children are too busy for me.  The only reason my son has anything to do with me is because I'm a free babysitter.   I fell the other day no one helped me up.  God is the only one who is there for me.  I thank God that He takes care of me.  I wish Darrell was here not me.  Everyone would be happy.   But that's not the way it happened.   I am here, Darrell is gone.  Just as you are here and John is gone.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Roseapple said:

Keep your heart and eyes open ❤️ The world has been really tough to live in recently, even without the losses we suffered. 

For sure!  And you have a friend, April.  May not live near you, but very caring.

[Goforth860]

I'm sitting g here after 2 drs aptts today. One was my pain Dr. I got an early appt because of the pain I've been in. I have been supposed to get that stimulator and now it's pushed off another mth ½. I have been moving my 2 bedroom apt myself. 1 basket full at a time. Up and down 20 steps plus the walk across the property. I told her that on a normal with I stay at a 6/7. Right on the edge of unbearable. She looked to see what other prescriptions I'm on and I am on some narcotics. She said I  can't raise you're mgs till I know you're not taking that. I said ok I'll quit. She said no she had to know I was off of it. She drug tests me. Which I'm going to pass but part of the process I make an apt for a mth. I walk outside and wait on my transportation. As I'm standing there my body is just screaming at me. I walked back in and asked if I broght in my prescription that she wanted me to quit if she would raise my meds I'm dying here. I'm in SO MUCH PAIN!!! She said hold on  And of course when your transportation decides to be in a timely manner mine decides to show up. I tell her I'd call back to see what the Dr said. Get down the road doing my best to just breathe without feeling like my heads going to explode and I'm trying not to feel so much under the steam  roller. I call back. The Dr had said she didn't ask me to bring them back. For me to see this other Dr I made an appt with today. My ortho spine Dr. OH and I've got neurosurgery. Let's just not get me started on it. But I saw Dr Z and I got 4 major shots. Both knees and at the bottom of skull on.both side. And several on all sides of your neck front and back of your shoulder muscles down your shoulder blades. So I had Ms flora stop by mcds. Because I knew if I didn't stop to get it for myself. I wasnt going to cook it for mysel. So I would've have eaten. I am now laying here watching something I saw John walk by and say "you and your narrative stuff". Jared a guy I've know for like 4 years on and off has been promising to fix my computer and he took John's flash drive too. Bur it's been 3 mths since I've seen him. He was supposed to come up today. I knew that's wasnt going to happen. All I want is John back. He'd take care of me as I'd take care of him. So I guess I'm sitting here feeling like I'm about parched and knowing now that I've finally gotten somewhat out of pain. Well still numb a bit but feeling your heartbeat from your head to tour toes  sorry for have gone on and on I just. This is so hard without him. I need him. ½ of me is gone. Where's the other ½. And I appreciate the "girl you gotta learn yourself" crap. I know myself. But I know myself better with him. 

[KayC]

I'm sorry you're dealing with so many medical issues and pain, on top of grief, as if that's not enough in and of itself! 

 

[Lost7]

Dear goforth860

I care about you. You are a valued human being. Please keep trying to move forward. We can make it if we choose to. I know your tired....but you can do this.

Hugs lost7