Mourning Trauma: Alive and Gone

[StormySeas]

It’s heavy, and I hate burdening anyone with such a heavy story: but I can’t hold it anymore.
 

My brother shot my dad. My dad is gone. My brother isn’t taking any personal responsibility. My dad wasn’t perfect, but he wasn’t an abuser. He was, in fact, the most selfless man I’ve ever met. The kind of guy who would see you were hungry and pull you in for a meal and a comfy change of clothes; a bed to sleep in, music to listen to, and stories to share. 
 

I can’t go into detail because it’s an open investigation awaiting trial, but we gave my brother every opportunity, including bailing him out to handle his own affairs and get the therapy that isn’t available in jail and it backfired fantastically. 
I and other family members are learning that our feelings don’t matter to my brother at all. He only feels that we should feel sorry for him because he’s claiming self defense against a fully unarmed man who he says was going to kill him. I have seen the footage. I unfortunately know exactly what happened and it doesn’t line up with my brother’s version of events. 

I didn’t only lose my dad. I lost my brother, too. I tried to keep some contact despite my broken heart; I knew he hurt too and until recently I believed it was just a horrible accident or lapse in judgement: I may still be partially right about the latter, but the fact that even after killing our father, he is able to speak hatefully to me, about family members who are grieving, and even dole out death threats, forces me to abandon all hope for miraculous mental healing. 
 

The fact of the matter is, I’m having to practice saying out loud what I can still hardly believe: My dad was shot multiple times by my brother in front of my mother, and he told us yesterday that we’re not worth his time.

So why do I feel guilty for cutting him off? 
We are still mourning my dad and I don’t think it will ever stop, but now it’s like another helping of mourning. 
I want to feel normal again.

I want to help dogs and families better, but I’m having a  real issue with people who don’t hold themselves accountable, ofcourse, so I find I have to bite my tongue a lot more. 
 

I just want to feel normal again, but that isn’t possible. A piece of my heart was blown away that night, and I don’t think those wounds heal.

[reader]

Dear StormySeas,

I am deeply sorry to hear what happened and for your loss. Please know we are here to listen and offer any help and support we can.

I hope you will connect with some resources in the community or through church during this very difficult time.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. 

[StormySeas]

Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I’m thankful to have a good therapist, but we all know how the pain takes a long time to wane from our hearts. I’m thankful for any and all support I can get (and give) 

[Traz]

Hi StormySeas,

How horrific a situation. I am truly sorry for the pain you and your family are going through. It must feel like a constant open wound because there is an ongoing investigation and impending trial. You haven't had a chance to come to terms with anything and yes, you're effectively dealing with two losses. 

Your brother has to live with the choice he made and the consequences unfortunately. Please remember to take care of yourself during this very tumultuous, difficult time. Dealing with your brother probably drains you mentally and physically. Especially if he is verbally abusive. So many emotions and circumstances complicating your grief, I am so sorry. I'm glad you have a good therapist though and really hope it helps you. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.