Death anniversary

[LMR]

Just wondering what everyone else did on the anniversary of their loved one's passing. It isn't a date I want to remember but of course it's etched into my brain - forever. It's the second but I honestly don't remember last year. I can't just pretend its an ordinary day. How have you all managed?

[KayC]

The first one I remember releasing a balloon into the air with a message in it...it popped and came back to me.  It made me laugh because I thought that'd be just like George!

[KayC]

Anniversary of a Loved One's Death
Anniversary of Death
Anniversary of death tips

[April Ballou]

@LMR last year I didn't do anything.  My budget is limited.  But I prayed.  This is will be 2 years since he passed away.  Kind of strange the way things work out.  September 6, 2012 I had a motorcycle wreck and September 7, 2020 Darrell passed away.   Not sure what I will do this year.  But I know September 7 is a Wednesday so I will go to church that evening.   Other than that I will be all alone.

[BohoKat]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

Just wondering what everyone else did on the anniversary of their loved one's passing. It isn't a date I want to remember but of course it's etched into my brain - forever. It's the second but I honestly don't remember last year. I can't just pretend its an ordinary day. How have you all managed?

You are right it is not something to remember but impossible to forget. Due to disability I live with my youngest daughter. We saved up and went to my husband’s favorite restaurant for dinner. I brought several hankies but this last year I have lost my embarrassment at crying in public. We remembered and toasted. It was bittersweet but on the bad days I remember it fondly. Don’t be afraid to recruit a supportive person for activities. Good luck on your journey.

[foreverhis]

In the morning, I usually take a walk with a dear friend to a nearby nature preserve.  We sit on her (and her husband's, also a dear friend and my baking partner) daughter's memorial bench.  We talk about the great mysteries and we sit in comfortable silence knowing we understand each other's hearts.  They lost their daughter at birth 20 years ago, so they know deep grief.

In the afternoon until early evening, they bring my dog friend Raleigh over to me even if it's not one of our usual days. We live across the street from each other. Raleigh is an incredibly sensitive soul and we adore each other.  She comforts me, acts silly to make me smile, and quite simply is with me.

Late at night, I talk to John, I look out at the night sky, and my heart aches with missing him.

[Carol34]

i have been thinking about this exact thing.  When Paul was alive, he  used to get upset with people who remembered the date of their loved one's death.  He also didn't like it when I'd say, "Today is my Dad's birthday.  If he was alive he'd be...."  I don't know why this was an issue for him, because we never discussed it.  I just learned early not to mention stuff like that around him, since he didn't like it.  Maybe it made him think of his own father, who died in his arms when Paul was only 16.  

Back on topic...I'd like to do something that day in memory of him.  It's a Friday this year, so everyone I know will be at work or school, so I'll be alone. It's two days before my granddaughter's birthday, so I know they'll all be here on Sunday, so maybe we'll do a small balloon launch in the back yard (one of his favorite places) during her birthday celebration.

[widower2]

6 hours ago, LMR said:

Just wondering what everyone else did on the anniversary of their loved one's passing.

Nothing...tbh I didn't see the point. Just keep busy, like any other day.

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I can't just pretend its an ordinary day.

That's what I do.

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How have you all managed?

That's how.  I guess I was lucky, that day didn't really bother me any more than any of the others days she wasn't there. Valentine's Day and her birthday are much harder.

[KayC]

And there is nothing wrong with how any of you deal with the day.  It's personal choice is all.  I love all of your comments.

[LMR]

Thank you all. I certainly have some food for thought. I think I will just have to wait and see how I feel on the day.

Wish I could hug you all.

[Gord]

Not sure how I will deal with it as it is coming up on one year on the 30th of August. What I do know is that overwhelming sadness started to hit me over two weeks ago…more pain than I have experienced on our special days like birthdays and the holiday seasons. This seems worse somehow. I know it will be a day of reflection for sure, but at this point, I may just close my doors and turn off my phone…I just continue to hurt so bad I can not even put it into words…

[April Ballou]

@Gord I understand that feeling.   Last year on the anniversary of my husband's death I spent time at church.   I thank God for sending me to a church that truly loves and cares for me.  I will keep you in my prayers.   

[Gord]

Thank you April.

[April Ballou]

Your welcome 

[Carol34]

On 8/8/2022 at 6:06 PM, Gord said:

Not sure how I will deal with it as it is coming up on one year on the 30th of August. What I do know is that overwhelming sadness started to hit me over two weeks ago…more pain than I have experienced on our special days like birthdays and the holiday seasons. This seems worse somehow. I know it will be a day of reflection for sure, but at this point, I may just close my doors and turn off my phone…I just continue to hurt so bad I can not even put it into words…

Sunday was 10 months since my husband passed.  I've noticed that my spells of sadness have gotten more frequent, and also more intense lately.  I was at a grief support meeting on Monday, and mentioned this.  The woman in charge of the meeting said that this is common.  We've already been through the "year of firsts"...first birthday without them, first Christmas...etc.  Once the one year anniversary gets closer, and the second time for each thing nears, our brain (which was numb for a while) now realizes that this is what life is like.  It's a hard pill to swallow.  I hope you find some peace. 

[April Ballou]

Well September 7 it will be two years since my husband died.   I realize that he is gone and I am all alone.  

[KayC]

Yes, once we hit the two year mark, reality sets in.  Also I kind of wonder if we didn't think the year of firsts was over, so it'd be better...and were caught off guard that it wasn't.
 

[KayC]

I am sorry this is looming over you.  What days?

[foreverhis]

Oh gosh, that's even more bunched up than ours.  Wedding anniversary, 2 weeks later death anniversary, 3 weeks after that my birthday, and 2-1/2 weeks after that his birthday.  Oh, and our wedding anniversary is shortly after Father's Day.  Every year, I've found the days leading up to the special days to be the worst.  It's as if I worry and fret and think so much about "the days" that by the time that day arrives, I'm exhausted.  Those days are still hard.  I'm sure they always will be.  Yet for me, the third year was a little easier than the first two and this year was a little easier than last year.  Easy? No.  Just not as devastating as the first years.

You can be sure that we'll be thinking of you and sending you our love on those most difficult of days.

[KayC]

My George's death was five days after his birthday.  I'm sorry, you will have one right after another.  Make sure to come here.  (((hugs)))

[LMR]

50 minutes ago, Sim7079 said:

 The weeks leading up to the days are especially hard & sometimes harder than the the day itself.

This is how it is for me. I'm on a count down. Four days to go and I am getting edgy and emotional and probably over sensitive. I almost walked out on my sister yesterday. I felt like I wasn't wanted but it was probably my mind playing tricks.

I watched a program here with rev. Richard Coles. called "Good Grief". He's a recent widower and I thought it was going to be helpful but I was very disappointed. Is going sky diving really going to help!!!!. I couldn't even get it together enough to make the appointment for something like that.

[KayC]

As to what helps, that seems to be very individual...people can offer their tips and they may not resonate with you...or it may be years before they do, it's an ongoing process of a journey that doesn't end.  I guess that's why, in the end, we find our own way, sometimes our way is the same as others...but for some it may vary.

[LMR]

I made it! I got through another "date". Two whole years now. It was actually quite a pleasant day, not what I'd been thinking I might do. No memorial. I had a cry in the morning and got hugged by my sister who then took me out for the day to a town I have never visited before. We just wandered around the antique shops then played crazy golf which I used to play with my husband and I haven't played since losing him. I thought of him constantly but I did not have a meltdown. My nephew and two friends emailed me, remembering that today was the day. It was lovely to know they were thinking of him. I'm sure I will cry again before bedtime but it wasn't as bad as the anticipation.

[April Ballou]

@LMR I will be facing 2 years in 3 weeks.  Seems like everyone has moved on.  Except me.  I'm trying.  I have good days and bad days.   As long as I stay focused I make it through the day.

[LMR]

48 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

@LMR I will be facing 2 years in 3 weeks.  Seems like everyone has moved on.  Except me.  I'm trying.  I have good days and bad days.   As long as I stay focused I make it through the day.

That's exactly how I am. Stay focused on something else and I make it through the day, let my mind wander and I am in trouble. Grief warps time. Two years seems like just a few weeks to me.

[April Ballou]

15 minutes ago, LMR said:

That's exactly how I am. Stay focused on something else and I make it through the day, let my mind wander and I am in trouble. Grief warps time. Two years seems like just a few weeks to me.

Exactly.   It seems like everyone has forgotten or moved on.  I'm left here all alone.   But it's true grief wraps time.  But if I can just keep my mind focused I can make it.

[KayC]

@LMR You got through the day, something to be said for that.  I'm glad someone remembered.  Anticipation usually is worse.  

April, you too.  It's weird when you feel you're the only one left remembering.  I know my kids think of George, remember him, but they don't focus on his death day or birthday, or call me on it.  It being Father's Day doesn't help, the day holds other meaning to them now.

[BohoKat]

5 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

…Get on with my life, I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant. I am living but of course life is not the same, I assumed she meant to find someone new - so I replied my heart and love is still will my husband and I miss him everyday. (We hugged at that point)

I know I will always feel this way, although I didn’t want to worry her, so I didn’t say that part. 

I hear the same from well-meaning friends and family, “you are still young, at least find someone for companionship.” My heart screams at the thought. My husband and I had an instant connection and he was my soulmate for 32 years. I cannot fathom how I will ever be able to move beyond our love. I could only compare any new partner to him and I doubt anyone could compare. I feel that would be unfair to the new person. Maybe my feelings will change…but not for now.

[Goforth860]

Yeah the middle to end of Aug I quit looking at the calender. The whole last part of the year is anniversary and birthday and death days. Sept 14 97 my father was shot and murdered by his father. Also Sept 14 2020 I lost my 17 year old emotional support dog Snoop.  She was my baby my best friend. Oct is calm then Nov 12 08 I got married to my Robert.  Nov 17 2008 he passed then Thanksgiving.  Then dec 7 is my mom's bday and she passed from stage 4 lung cancer dec 16 18. Then there's Christmas.  Then Jan 8 was the original due date of my first baby I lost. Jan 15 98 was the official due date. There's a cpl miscarriages in there but when I lost my father and both of my babies within 6 mths of each other I  lost grip on reality. I forget those days because I couldnt mentally remember them. Not and survive. Life has just been so hard and so many losses.  Not just losses but very important ppl in my life. Important to the point of mind altering grief. As I've said before when I lost my father and 2 babies in 6 mths of each other I lost grip on reality and I've never really gotten it back. I don't do loss/death well. I feel abandoned.  Like I'm left behind. I feel for everyone who has ever lost anyone and I know millions of ppl die everyday but it feels... I'm just glad I've been directed here. The support and the comfort I am given. That everyone gives and receives. The ppl who care listen and give their advice or experiences. Ppl who will be here for those first and second and everyone afterwards.  

To all thank you stay strong and (((hugs)))

[KayC]

Goforth, I am sorry for your struggles, to be so young and have so much on your plate...you expect some fog at my age, but to go through the trauma you have and live with the aftermath...it's as debilitating as my hands are to me.

[Carol34]

October 7th...6 days from today....will mark the last day my sweet husband was on Earth.  One year ago today, I kissed him as the transporting squad loaded him onto the gurney in my house, so they could drive him to Hospice.  Up until today, I thought I was doing pretty well.  But I am wrecked right now.  And I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

[April Ballou]

@cmp34 sorry that you are having to go through all of this.  We are here for you.  I know it isnt the same.  But we are here.  My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

[KayC]

Oct 7 is my birthday...I would gladly give it up if it'd bring your husband back!  If only...

[Carol34]

On 10/1/2022 at 10:36 PM, KayC said:

Oct 7 is my birthday...I would gladly give it up if it'd bring your husband back!  If only...

That is the sweetest thing anyone has said to me!  I'm crying big fat tears while I'm typing this.

[Carol34]

Thank you for all of the replies.  I know you're all here for me...and everyone else.  But I just want to sit down and talk to people who knew Paul.  On the other hand, I wouldn't want anyone to see my falling apart, so I'm not going out of my way to get in touch with the people who haven't been in touch with me.  I'm not sure how to handle Friday.  I feel like I just want to be alone that day.  Although I know the emptiness of my house will make me feel even more grief.  But I don't think I can handle talking to people who haven't called to checked in with me in a year.  Today I told my insurance agent that I could come in for an appointment on Wed or Thurs this week, but those were the only days I'd be available.  I told her, "I watch my granddaughter on Tuesdays, and I want to be alone on Friday."  She wasn't sure what to say, so she just made the appointment for Wednesday. 

I went to the grocery store this morning, and started crying before I was even in the door.  I haven't done that for months! 

[Gail 8588]

On 10/1/2022 at 10:36 PM, KayC said:

Oct 7 is my birthday...

Kay, 

Oct 7 is my grandson's birthday too. He will be one.  I'll think of you and wish you happiness as I watch my grandson experience his first cake. 

Gail

[Sparky1]

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Oct 7 is my grandson's birthday

My grandson will be 2 on October 7, that means on the 24th it will be 2 years since my wife has passed away. She got to hold him and kiss him before she passed away. 

Today was my birthday, and it was a real rough one to boot. The emptiness, the loneliness, it's just been overwhelming. I ordered delivery for dinner, that was the highlight of my day.

[SSC]

@Sparky1 wishing you a happy birthday!  So sorry you were unable to spend the day with your sweet wife.  I can only hope and pray in the future we will all have an eternity to spend together with our partners and these few years apart will seem but fleeting moments.  Keep the eternal perspective, your heart knows she is waiting! Birthday hugs!

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

My grandson will be 2 on October 7, that means on the 24th it will be 2 years since my wife has passed away. She got to hold him and kiss him before she passed away. 

Today was my birthday, and it was a real rough one to boot. The emptiness, the loneliness, it's just been overwhelming. I ordered delivery for dinner, that was the highlight of my day.

Oh Sparky!  This pained me...last year I was all alone on my birthday...this year I have to make the long trek to the valley to meet my sister (and DIL) not sure which is worse but I think I'd rather stay home this year as I've been going, going, going and it means leaving Kodie...and it's his birthday too!  I hope you and Gail's grandchildren have a good birthday!  Missing my sister Peggy...   Anyway, I hope you had a good birthday, Sparky!!

 

[April Ballou]

@Sparky1 happy birthday.   I will be praying for you.  I know how hard it is.