Mrs Margaret A hill

[Maret]

😶

[Ronni_W]

Hi, Maret, and sending you love and hugs.   Ronni

[KayC]

Maret,

Write when you are able...for now we welcome you here...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Maret]

On 8/3/2022 at 10:30 PM, Maret said:

😶

I lost my husband in April to cancer and I’m keeping my kids from falling apart but it’s sooo hard 

[KayC]

You're doing well to keep your kids from falling apart.  Bless your heart.

[Ronni_W]

On 8/4/2022 at 5:56 PM, Maret said:

I lost my husband in April to cancer and I’m keeping my kids from falling apart but it’s sooo hard 

Hello, Maret,

My dad died when I was 13, and I think that, at that time, my mom thought the same thing as you are thinking now, about trying to 'protect and shield' your children from their loss of their father. You cannot do it, Maret. (I hit a wrong button here, so will have to keep uploading my 'edits', so, depending on when you read it, will probably seem very callous on my part. I will have to live with it, that i screwed up with the technology.)

Maret, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you: The more honest, open and 'transparent' you are with your children, the better (and emotionally healing/healthier) it will be for them, also. For you also, and for them. Talk, and talk, and talk. And make use of whatever free and affordable grief "experts", counseling, resources, etc., to which you may have access.  All of that will be, actually, useless...but still, better than nothing at all for you, and for your children.

In their heart, each one of your children is "falling apart", anyway, I guarantee you that -- which I can do only because of my own lived experience.   So, as their mom, you do not need to pretend to them like it did not happen. You do not need to pretend or act like their Dad didn't actually die.. In fact, you can actually present to them the opposite perspective. Their Dad did actually die from out of their physically-manifested perception from Earth.

(I know that hurts, and sucks, and craps out. I know.)

Ask them what are they most scared of, now that their Dad isn't there anymore. See if or how you can help them to not be that scared of that thing. Remind them that they still do have the potential to transcend the thing(s) that they fear the most. Encourage and uplift them. (My mom, teachers and 'grown-ups' did NOT do this for me, when I was really young, when my Dad died,)

Love and hugs, (as weak, ineffective and useless as it sounds to my own ears).     Ronni