How do I find myself?

[Nik124]

My husband of 23 years committed suicide in front of me. We’ve been together since I was 16. I’m not angry just glad he’s not in pain anymore. He was so depressed. But now I find myself with an opportunity to do the things I want to do to be happy. The only problem is, I have no idea who I am or what I want. And I’m scared of trying new things alone. I’ve realized I have very few true friends and they have their own families. How do I find myself?

[KayC]

How long ago did this happen?  I am so sorry for your loss.  It can take a long while to work our way through this.

You're asking some good questions, just not sure there's any simple answers.  It does take time and much effort.

You can start by getting out and involving yourself in the world around you.  What kinds of things are your interests?  I'd start there.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Nik124]

It was 2 weeks ago  

[DWS]

This is a such a huge loss for you and even though you see this as an opportunity for a positive change in your life, dealing with the loss and the absence of your husband will take some time for you to process. Your emotions will be going all over the place through this. By the sounds of it, you're also now at mid-life and that, for all of us, is an important stage in life. Figuring out who we actually are and what moves us...our passions, our wants and needs....this is a time for self-discovery.  

With so little knowledge of you as a person and what has taken place in the life and times with your husband, there is no way any of us here can provide the right answers for your situation. If you can afford it, I'd recommend the services of a social worker or counselor who specializes in grief...someone who can comfort you and companion you in your aloneness. Also, if you're a reader, I found great solace in James Hollis' book "Finding Meaning In The Second Half Of Life". It's a book that stays right beside me on my nightstand. 

Big hugs to you...and feel free to post more in these discussions. This might also be the start you're needing. 

Don

[April Ballou]

@Nik124 I am sorry for your loss.  I understand about trying to find yourself.   I was married 38 years then my husband passed away.   It's hard.  Still working on it.  A fee things have come up for me.  But nothing set in stone.  I feel like I would be good at being a mentor or some soft of counselor.   I like to listen to people and talk.  A lady at my church and I have become friends just by me listening and talking to her.  I have been trying to find some more friends.   This life being alone is the hardest thing that I have ever done. 

  

[BohoKat]

7 hours ago, Nik124 said:

My husband of 23 years committed suicide in front of me. We’ve been together since I was 16. I’m not angry just glad he’s not in pain anymore. He was so depressed. But now I find myself with an opportunity to do the things I want to do to be happy. The only problem is, I have no idea who I am or what I want. And I’m scared of trying new things alone. I’ve realized I have very few true friends and they have their own families. How do I find myself?

I’m sorry for you having to go through this. It is just over a year since I lost my husband of 32 years. I can relate to feeling lost. My husband was my best friend and constant companion and we married young. I often get aggravated on those days now when it’s just TV and my dog. I am searching for new activities. Staying in touch with friends frequently  if only a quick text hello seems to help me feel more defined in my self. Good luck in your journey.

[Ronni_W]

14 hours ago, Nik124 said:

My husband of 23 years committed suicide in front of me. We’ve been together since I was 16. I’m not angry just glad he’s not in pain anymore. He was so depressed. But now I find myself with an opportunity to do the things I want to do to be happy. The only problem is, I have no idea who I am or what I want. And I’m scared of trying new things alone. I’ve realized I have very few true friends and they have their own families. How do I find myself?

Dear Nik124,

First of all, I want to say that...but it's probably not at all what you need or want to hear right now...but, nevertheless, I do recognize your...the word that comes to mind is, your selflessness in putting your late husband first, and that he is no longer having to suffer in this life.

Second, that for me it's been 2 years already, and up until, truly, just weeks ago, I didn't have the self-awareness that you already have, to consider who I am now or what do I want for my self and my life going forward.     Anyway, literally just 2 days ago, I felt 'strong enough' or 'okay enough' to go on the website of my local library, and was really surprised to see all of the workshops, 'circles' and events that they have over there. It's still quite out of my 'comfort zone', but I'm planning to register for the 'Beer Tasting Workshop' and 'Introduction to Self-Publishing'. There's also some kind of 'Arts and Crafts' hour, and maybe I'll take my crayons, sketch book and rug-hooking kit and go and test that environment -- if I don't like it, I can always leave or just never go back, I'm telling myself. (I've always loved reading, but didn't see an actual 'book club' event being offered.)

Something strange that got me to realize, "THIS is me!" was that I bought a bottle of perfume that I used to wear decades ago. It was a really 'strange' experience, possibly or probably only because I wasn't expecting it. Then that got me to go and study really old photographs of myself, and I just looked at that (much younger) woman in the photos and just kept asking, "Who ARE you?" I don't know yet, Nik124. I think that maybe I just have to let it 'unfold' for me. (Or, I guess, let 'the new me' unfold for myself? Not sure yet.)

Love and hugs, and wishing you all of the very best.   Ronni

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Nik124 said:

It was 2 weeks ago  

That is very soon in the journey, my heart goes out to you.